New New Testament
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
The Psalms of the n00b Testament. These are the words of our Lord and Admin. May His almighty ban hammer rest in these times of peace, that the just may prosper. Am3n.
In AD 0, Christianity was beginning . . .
[edit] Moses 1:1
Moses: What happen?
Scribe: Someone set up us the New Testament.
Priest: We get divine appearance . . .
Moses: What?
Moses: Main burning bush turn on.
Moses: It's you!
Jesus: How are you gentlemen!!
Jesus: All your outdated belief system are belong to us.
Jesus: You are on the way to Christianty.
Moses: What you say?
Jesus: You have no chance to continue your present system of belief make your time.
Jesus: Hahaha
Scribe: Moses!!
And lo, Moses did return to his hometown bearing tidings of the coming of the Lord. He spake thusly to the people, instructing them on the preparations they must make to welcome the Lord into their hearts:
Moses: Take off every "zig" (an ancient tribal headscarf), that you may welcome the Lord!!
Moses: You know what you doing, follow these commandments.
Moses: Move your "zigs"
Moses: For great justice.
[edit] Moses 1:2
And lo, Moses did set forth unto the wastelands beyond Israel, whereupon he happened upon a group of Palestinians. And verily he did wax wroth, for the Palestinians did infirnge upon the peace treaties agreed upon in the latest summit. He saw that they did covet their neighbours' asses, thought nothing of bigamy, and the worst among them would re-post information on forums, rather than using the "edit" button.
[edit] Moses 1:3
And Moses did cry out unto the Lord, "Lord, wilst thou not ban these fags from thine holy land, unto the wastelands of /b/, to there be devoured by furious mudkips?". And the Lord did reply unto Moses, sending the Archadmin Gabriel to bring fire and sodomy to the land of Palestine and it's anachronistic existence in the years before zionism was even recognised.
[edit] Moses 1:4
Because the Bible suffered from poor continuity, Moses was now returned to his homeland. Again, God spake unto Moses, using an 'epic' voice not unsimilar to that of the male commentator in Unreal Tournament 4: "Moses! Heed these words, that you and your kin might be absolved your sins, and allowed unto Heaven whence you perish"
Spake Moses: "Lord, what is this Heaven of which you speak? Surely the very existence of the internet is the pinnacle of human pleasure?"
"Nay", spake the Lord, "for in Heaven, all users have broadband, memes are kept to a subtle and occasional use, and 4chan was frozen in time in 2005. saving /b/ from it's inevitable destruction by n00bs."
And lo, it came to pass.
The Lord spake unto Moses from a shining cloud constructed out of torn pages of Spike Milligan's "Old Testament", while the author himself spun in his grave as a result of this shameless ripoff. "Moses", quoth the Lord, "Verily, yonder children of Israel must learn the words of their Lord and Father. I shall speak them unto ye, and thou must repeat them unto thine children, and thine children's children, and etc."
[edit] The Admin's Prayer
| Our Admin,
Who art in 4chan, 'moot' be thy name. Thy IP come, Thine will be done, IRL as it is on interwebs. Give us this votekick ability, Our daily firewall update, And forgive us our haxing, as we forgive those who hax against us. Lead us not unto /b/, And deliver us from nubcakes, For thine is the website, the power and the banhammer, for ever and ever, Amen. | 
|
