New Jersey
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| Flag | 
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| Official languages | Jerseyish, American, real English in rare cases | |
| Capital | Trenton | |
| Exports | Nuclear Waste, Medicinal Marijuana, Apparently textiles | |
| Most Famous Citizens | Tony Soprano, Jim Cramer, Bruce Springsteen, Jon Bon Jovi, Frank Sinatra | |
| Citizens They're Desperately Trying To Forget About | Jonas Brothers | |
| Leader(s) | Jon Corslime, Tony Soprano | |
| State Pastime | Being a douche | |
| Intelligence | 1st in the U.S. | (!!!) |
| Motto | Ay fuck you asshole! | |
| State Nickname | The Chemical State | |
| State Song | Woke Up This Morning | |
| Length of work hours: | 0 minutes, 365 days a year | |
| State Douche Bag | Chris Christie | |
| Literacy rate | N/A | |
| Language | We Do speak, English, you know |
“It's like driving a convertible through New Jersey!”
~ New York Governor David Paterson on unprotected sex
“Wow, thats an interesting way to pronounce Jersey!”
~ Unknown on "Joysee"
“I really have no words for how shitty this place is...holy shit it's awful. Stay the fuck out of there.”
~ Unknown on New Jersey
“I should't have gone in there. Don't go in there. Promise me you don't go in there.”
~ Jay on there
“Is that New Jersey, or is Pennsylvania taking a dump?”
~ Jon Stewart, who is ironically from New Jersey on New Jersey
New Jersey is referred to as "The Fuck You State". The official motto (said while grabbing crotch) "I don't see anything special with you mooks either.", more commonly known as 'Armpit of America', 'The Gateway To Hell', or the 'Suburb State', was the 3rd state in the United States of America. The unofficial state slogan is "You want a motto, I got your fucking motto right here". The capitol is Trenton otherwise known as Camden Lite: Now with 10% reduced shootings!. David Letterman had his orthodontic work performed in New Jersey.
Although unknown to some, vast expanses of New Jersey are rural/ forested. Anyone coming home from down the shore at three A.M. on the back roads knows that if you breakdown, you are screwed, usually within five minutes of breakdown, you will be savagely beaten and then eaten by the native albino midgets. (Not always in that order, mind you.)
[edit] Culture
Created when God punished the Care Bears for killing the Care Bear Cousins by forcing them to living in the most vile place ever created. the City-State of New Jersey is a scientifically formulated mixture of subs, closeted gay men, such as the obese Cody Wagner who cannot play basketball because he is too small and fat; and rampant Italian Americans best enjoyed while enjoying romance under a full moon listening to David Bowie. Not many are aware of this fact but New Jersey is actually one giant freeway, with numerous exits - it is also considered incredibly rude if you ask a New Jerseyite "which exit?" whenever they inform you that they live in said "city." In some mythologies, Old Jersey is the land of Paradise, the Garden of Alden, even. However, such stories are generally believed only by hopelessly psychotic homeless people who wander the streets of Intercourse, Pennsylvania. See also Avril Lavigne.
Contrary to retarded belief, New Jerseyites call their home Jersey, that's it just Jersey. Only fucking New Yorkers say New Jersey. However, in the Nike revolution of 2006 New Jersey proposed a name change to New New York (Annexe), something it had been apparently been planning for years, this was of course after the destruction of New York. This was popular among many Republicans and Former UK Prime Minister Tony Blair (or "Good Dog", as he was affectionally known by George Bush) was in favour of the move. It was eventually quashed in Congress when Bush admitted he couldn't spell York.
New Jersey is much cleaner than most other states due to the fact that the suburbs channel their waste into Atlantic City, Trenton, Newark, Jersey City, Camden and Asbury Park — and their surrounding waterways(see Passaic River). [1]
In order to live in New Jersey one must be at least one of the following; Italian, Greek, German, Jewish, Irish, Asian, Latino, Black or Catholic - exception: Indians may live in central Jersey only. You may also live in Jersey if you are either unable to afford to live in New York, or if you're part of an old New Jersey family that was too stupid to leave the state while he going was good (if you are in the latter group, then you are merely tolerated, but not quite welcome). If you meet none of these standards then you are to be whacked. New Jersey has a curiosity called the Jewtalian - Italian girls who could pass for a Semite and who act Jewish. (Jewtalians are also deathly afraid of bears) When Jewtalians travel to other parts of the United States, they are almost always mistaken for Jews. Many Jewtalians, who average 4.5 feet tall, can be seen arriving at the Short Hills Mall in cream colored Cadillac Escalades. All Jersey residents hate New Yorkers, because they ordered the whacking of Oscar Wilde.
Another little known fact is that all people from New Jersey know where Jimmy Hoffa is, who killed Kennedy, where to get a good meal at three in the morning (that diner with the fat waitress who smells like cheese), and where to get drugs. New Jersey is divided into north, south, and central. The North is the land of pollution and crime and the south is farms, Wawas, the shore, and a dumping spot for corpses, and Central Jersey (The correct name) is a collection of both. All people in New Jersey live in fear of three things; the mafia, the Jersey Devil, and car insurance. South Jersey people also know how Mexicans fit twenty people into the front cab of a truck, because they have done it with them. New Jersey residents also have been to every business shown on the Sopranos. The only way New Jersey residents are able to survive the taxes is through their Mafia connections.
Moreover, it is important to mispronounce certain words : water as "warder", garbage as "garbitch", etc. You also are required to live within one half-hour of a mall, within .5 minutes of a Wawa (in south Jersey), within easy walking distance of sub-par Italian food, and within 500 yards of two Dunkin' Donuts locations. The number of Dunkin' Donuts franchises was required to provide sustenance for the largest police population of any of the United States. However New Jerseyites agree that Wawas are substantially better than Dunkin' Donuts.
New Jersey is America's pioneering state in residential equality. To establish a proper balance between the age old city vs country rivalry, the New Jersey government has created a law that allows only two types of settlements in the state: dull extensive suburbs and ghetto hell hole cities (ex. Newark, Jersey City, Elizabeth, Camden, Paterson and any other settlement that does not qualify as a dull overpriced suburb). The genius of the law is that both types of settlements suck equally, so no one feels jipped. The law also makes "grass is greener on the side of the fence" an outdated statement in New Jersey, since on the suburban side there is nothing but grass (and highways), while grass in cities is strictly prohibited (unless it's hippie grass).
Despite the apparent monotony of the majority of the state, there are some cultural anomalies...New Jersey has long been a place of exile for those who don't "make the cut" in other parts of the world, and for this reason every now and then you will run into a muncipality that doesnt quite fit in with typical state culture. Take Jackson Township, which was originally a prison for Confederate Soldiers in the Civil War, and Bridgewater Township, the home of Orange County rejects.
[edit] New New York
A number of New Jersey cities:
- Cities such as Jersey City, Hoboken, Patterson, Newark, Elizabeth, Union City, and Asbury Park.
[edit] History
- see also: History of New Jersey
New Jersey was originally settled by Dutch who found real estate prices too high in New Amsterdam (now Manhattan, New York City), a condition that exists to this day, mostly because of the extreme violence by Russians and Americans who still think the Cold War is hot news and hate pasta patties. The settlers quickly cut down much of the forest land in New Jersey, giving rise to North America's first shoe industry. The deforested areas were then sown with tulips.
This was all brought to a rapid halt by the British, who took over all of what ultimately became the United States and Canada. New Jersey was given its current name and was made the Royal Colony because the British Army and colonial governors knew that no royalty would ever cross the pond and see the smelly swamps that ultimately earned New Jersey its reputation as the armpit of America --> SO SO TRUE!!! --> (you're a moron!!!)
New Jersey became most famous during the American Revolution, when it became the favorite retreat route for Denzel Washington and his forces. Washington established headquarters in a few towns in New Jersey, the most famous of which was in what is now Morristown. He stayed in New Jersey until he retreated across the Delaware River to Pennsylvania, where he and his troops spent an infamous winter at Valley Forge before he found his second wind.
As one of the United States, New Jersey excelled in converting useless real estate into shopping malls and sports complexes. Notably, the shopping mall was both invented and refined in New Jersey. The town of Paramus, in northern New Jersey, became the world capital of shopping malls. New Jersey has also gained fame as where Thomas Alva Edison invented the light bill and, more recently, where "The Algorithm(TM)" was invented.
As real estate prices skyrocketed in New York City, New Jersey became the most densely populated state in the U.S. There are so many towns with invisible town lines in New Jersey, it was necessary to build the Garden State Parkway, running the entire length of the state, with exit numbers mile-indexed for the distance from Cape May, its southern-most point. This gave rise to the state's unofficial motto, "How ya doin'? What's your exit?" because, in most cases, nobody ever heard of your town.
[edit] Government Of New Jersey
- New Jersey is run by the Italian mafia.
- Legally, New Jersey is a "commonwealth" full of welfare queens.
- The New Jersey government is known for being incredibly corrupt. This has been a trend ever since Satan was elected as governor of the state in 1917 when he claimed that his opponent, Jesus, had once been issued the death penalty due to a recorded criminal record.
- Today, the members of the New Jersey State Senate eat at least 5 New Yorkers a day, and the Governor generally eats at least 7, though one day he once ate 24 in one sitting, fulfilling a dare in a childish attempt to impress his wife, Mike Jones.
- The offiical state nickname is the "Garbage state".
- "In all honesty the government is run by the Mafia." Actual Resident testimony.
- Donald Trump wants to ban Injuns from living in N.J. to quench possible gaming competititon.
- Every city in NJ is not allowed to have more than 1 square mile due to the royal division made between 1753 and 1823 with the lower royalty from the UK.
- Philadelphians, New Yorkers, New Englanders and Puerto Ricans are buying homes in New Jersey, but the Jerseyites failed to keep their neighborhoods segregated.
- The New Jersey House of Representatives consists of 35% New Yorkers, 15% Tiki Barber, and 50% Italian.
- Getting elected governor can make you gay.
[edit] No Left Turns
- As of 1991, performing a left turn in an automobile at any given moment in New Jersey is prohibited, punishable by eighteen consecutive life sentences, being sent back in time 2 weeks by way of the Turnpike, and a make-over involving really, really big hair. The cars in New Jersey protested this law, and Queen Kristey of Whitman , the local demon, jacked up car insurance rates and named a rest stop on the Garden State Parkway after Howard Stern in revenge. This is why auto insurance in New Jersey is so high.
- In revenge, New Yorkers will make a left turn in their classic "Fuck yoos" style.
- Right turns are recommended with extreme caution. That is assuming you've acquired your license to make right turns.
- U-turns are also discouraged. Quebecers driving from Canada make right turns even they have to go left. It's what America is all about, eh?
- To accommodate the need to actually turn left or reverse direction, New Jersey invented what is called "the jug-handle left", where you turn right to make the equivalent of a left turn or a u-turn.
- Due to the New Jersey Driver's Convention of 2009, Driving backwards through traffic is okay, while multitasking while going 75 mph on the Garden State Parkway is suggested.
- Traffic rules are determined by the government, in concert with local police and auto insurance companies. New Jersey State Troopers have the state-of-the-art laser speed guns, donated by the insurance companies "to promote safety" (actually to promote insurance premiums), along with ticket quota attainment and the highest insurance rates in the country.
- A plan was announced in early 2008 by New Jersey's governor to raise the tolls on the New Jersey Turnpike and the Garden State Parkway (as in "How ya doin'? What's your exit?") by 50% every three years. When asked why he was proposing this, he replied, "Because I f**kin' can. Whatcha gonna do about it, Doofus?" (Editor's note: "Doofus" is a local way of addressing another person, implying a deficit of intelligence. In New Jersey, only the extremely powerful can call other people "Doofus" and not end up in a swamp, or the foundation of a new sports stadium or shopping mall.)
[edit] No Self-Service Gas Stations
Due to the potential hazards of fueling an automobile, the state of Jersey determined long ago that pumping one's own gas was far too dangerous and incredibly too complex for the typical Jersey mind to comprehend, so it was contracted out to former Guantanamo Bay detainees to handle. As a result, the average wait time along Jersey Turnpike Sunoco stations average 2 weeks to fill up one's car.
[edit] Bergen County Blue Laws
Jersey's most populous county, led by Stalinist separatists, have outlawed virtually all selling, blue, and white collar office work on Sundays. Bon Jovi, recently elected to the county council vowed to change the policy through referendum, but it was overwhelmingly defeated when the ballot boxes were stuffed by Storm Troopers and supporters of the Galactic Empire.
[edit] Geography
New Jersey occupies Staten Island, The Bronx, Brooklyn, Queens, the majority of Manhattan, Nova Scotia, The Delaware Bay, parts of New England, Canada, India, Papua New Guinea, Australia, Ethiopia, Finland, the Falkland Islands (for strategic sheep purposes) and Greenland. It is heavily populated by assholes and sexy ladies, who are sometimes both at the same time. In 2006, North Korea attempted to conquer New Jersey by means of break dancing competitions between Kim Jong-Il and ex-governor "Thweet" Jim McGreevey. McGreevey, a secret master of the move known as the "tear-dropping thunderbolt fister" quickly put Jong-Il in his place. Shortly thereafter, Jong-Il was made to wear lipstick and force fed Italian hoagies. McGreevey reportedly screamed, "No! It's a sub!"
It is possible to set your GPS to find Newark, New Jersy by smell. However, once you get into Newark this function becomes completely useless, as the entire place has the same smell of burning rubber. At this point, the normal reaction is to take a deep breath and say "Ah! Industrialism! It reminds me of Soviet Russia!"
Every place in New Jersey is a half-hour away.
[edit] Entertainment In New Jersey
New Jersey has a rich culture in the arts, including but not limited to strip clubs inhabited by middle aged strippers and men in trucker hats, and has been the birthplace of such hit motion picture masterpieces such as "Jersey Girl" and "Gigli".
New Jersey is one of the few states in America to maintain funding for the position of "Village Idiot". Governor Corzine currently holds the position but few believe he will be able to keep the job as fan favorite, the Jonas Brothers, have begun campaigning for next year. Which would make Jim McGrievey, however the hell you spell his last name, not the only gay governor of New Jersey.
[edit] Places in New Jersey
- RUTGERS or else known as SLUTGERS #1 STD rate in the US
- Bergenline- Gathering place for all illegal immigrants.
- Middletown North aka "Worst school in Jersey"
- jersey city aka 6th borough of new york.
- East Hanover - Wop capital of Morris County.
- The Worlds Biggest Toilet (Oh Wait.........that's The Whole Of New Jersey......My Bad......)
- ... Bagel Shops.
- One of the many of Eddie Murphy's houses (hooray).
- Seaside Heights... aka, "The One-Boardwalk And Thats All Place."
- Wildwood.
- Hunterdon County- "goddamn, there's a lot of motherfuckin' white people around here"
- Newark- don't make a wrong turn. On second thought, just get the fuck out of here.
- For savvy New York car owners: gas stations.
- White Castle.
- Are you Indian? Then Edison is for you! feel free to spit in public sinks and make all the microwaves at work smell like curry.
- Cherry Hill - Shitty Mound.
- Route 10 - A highway that is frequented by black people from Newark who travel from their ghettos to sell drugs to white suburban kids.
- A nuclear power plant in a swamp.
- Atlantic City.
- Camden aka "Most Dangerous City in the United States of America."
- Montclair and the iris root museum.
- Shit.
- way too many foreigners
- Hoboken - The Yuppy Capital of the World
- Barnegat (Home of the Barnegutters).
- Wawa.
- Doldrums (Lacey Township).
- The Gates of Hell. Seriously. in Clifton.
- Shit Creek aka Rancocas Creek (don't go without a paddle)
- Moorestown aka, "Lots of Rich Jews." (Next to Marlboro of course)
- Millburn (see above)
- Randolph (Less rich but still the same as above)
- Newark aka, "Largest drug port in the United States."
- Elizabeth aka, E-Town What What!
- Los Chiyorkphigo.
- Leonardo.
- Sea Bright - "When you don't want to drive to Hoboken just to get laid."
- The Sunken Ruins of Old Jersey.
- Jackson Township - Was the Northeasts "South of the Border" during the Civil War
- South Jersey (not related).
- Paterson, N.J also known as P-town. Somewhat ghetto Camden is worse.
- The Jersey Turnpike... aka, "The best place to get laid."
- North Caldwell, which gets into endless fights with the town of Your Mom.
- The College of New Jersey.
The Gates of Hell (Camden City Hall).
- Fair Lawn (The ultimate in suburban living)(also home of the most nail salons in one town...EVER)(aslo the place where you re jew russian ven if you are not
- Route 130... a place for hookers, strip clubs and black people who want to shoot you because you are white.
- Suburbs that want to be just like Philadelphia when they grow up.
- Parsippany - Full of fun after getting to it off of 5 highways. Surrounded by Asians and Indians. Not much else.
- Sussex County(a.k.a "I THINK I HEAR THE DELIVERANCE THEME. LET'S GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE").
- Toms River - Formerly known as Dover Township. Well known stomping ground for really white wannabe gangstas (Wiggas). The majority of 50 Cent's revenue comes from the sale of the G-Unit clothing line in Toms River.
- Manalapan where everybody wants to be a guido, or guidette. Kids starting from age 10 go clubbing and get wasted, and then do it all over again the next day.
- Quick Stop Convenience and RST Video - whooptee shit they were in movie called Clerks.
- Take Jersey's Killer Route 1/9 highway.
- Parking lots (Everywhere else).
- Every other Wawa.
- Highway to Hell also known as the New Jersey Turnpike
- The State of Rutgers also known as Hunterdon County.
- Paulinskill Viaduct - Abandoned rail bridge, is known for its internal rooms (used to inspect the structural integrity of the bridge), which are popular among teens having sex with there girlfriends, suicides, and retards driving on it, not to mention no railings, and very fucking narrow, but high as fuck.
- Lebanese/Albanian/French/Greek-Italian pizzerias
- Geritolopolis (Monroe).
- Roxbury, the most awesome place in all of New Jersey
[edit] Sports Teams in New Jersey
New Jersey lost all of its sports teams to the non-existent New York, which it then invaded and concerned in revenge. Thusly, the only sports team you will find in New Jersey is the New Jersey Turnpikers.
Coached by living legend Terry Shea, the New Jersey Turnpikers play right in the middle of exit 14 and 15W, right where that awful stench keeps happ'nin.
Contrary previous research, but it was discovered that there are two NFLTeams in New Jersey, they are simply ashamed of their New Jerseyness and call themselves The New York Giants and Jets, both expected to play in new stadiums in New York state or Connecticut in the near future.
Other teams in sports are the NBA basketball New Jersey Nets expected to play in a new arena in Brooklyn, the NHL ice hockey New Jersey Devils expected to rent in a different arena probably in Springfield, Mass. and the MLS soccer New Jersey Metrostars...oops, the New York Red Bulls began to play in Shea stadium.
Jon Bon Jovi, world famous rock star is also a pro sports team owner of the Philadelphia Soul, an Arena Football team that also doesn't play in New Jersey.
There is a debate over the creation of a Cursing Team.
[edit] Famous People and Indigenous Flora and Fauna from New Jersey
- New Jersey is home to several species of tree.
- The Jersey Devil, who terrorizes small children and fish in return for lowered car insurance and free fares on the turnpike.
- New Jersey is also home to many musicians such as Bruce Springsteen, who despite all his riches still writes songs and the tireless pedophile rights group and advocates for man-boy love and large hair, and Bon Jovi. Les Claypool isn't from NJ but my mom thinks he is.
- Bruce Willis, long rumored to possibly be some kind of actor, also hails from Hoboken, New Jersey, known for his roles in countless motion pictures where he expertly and tirelessly plays the same one anti-hero bad-ass character over and over again and refuses to shave more than once a week.
- The late Malcolm Forbes, known in the USSR as "Capitalist Tool". A cool old guy who published a magazine (coincidentally called "Forbes") and collected motorcycles and toy soldiers.
- Steven Forbes, son of Malcolm Forbes, childhood friend of Christie Whitman and once presidential candidate who ran on the platform of a "flat income tax". No doubt, this idea sprung from the New Jersey taxes, which flatten its residents.
- Nobody editing this wiki gives a shit about Frank Sinatra, who intentionally never went back to visit his native Hoboken. The schmucks who live there worship him still.
- Gerard Way, Mikey Way, Frank Iero and Ray Toro, better known as My Chemical Romance.
- Um, don't forget Meryl Streep, who played some prostitute in "Mamma Mia!".
- On second thought, yes, please forget Meryl Streep.
- Demetri Martin. oh, wait he isnt famous anymore
- Hey we got Jon Stewart too (whose real name is Jonathan Leibowitz (yep, another socialist Jew in the entertainment business - go figure).
- Believe it or not, the Angry Nintendo Nerd is from New Jersey.
- The Jonas Brothers; Yes, I'm talking about those "teen sensations" that play bubble pop music.Recently a law was passed to shoot them on sight if they attempt to re-enter.
- Kevin Smith, the geek movie god, although he was from Central Jersey, which both North and South Jersey agree, doesn't really exist.
- Jersey is home to the only Hoagie-bearing tree, just outside of Menlo Park Mall.
- The grandmother of comedy, Chelsea Handler.
- Vladimir Putin
[edit] Roads in New Jersey
- Route 17 and Route 4, The intersection of the two has birthed a colossal tumor better know as The Garden State Mall which consumes about 100 square feet of land per week efficiently converting it into parking space for itself.
- Route 206, also known as the road that is always backed up, is a popular favorite. Come and sit in traffic and marvel at how congested the road is! This congestion is particularly entertaining in light of the fact that this road leads absolutely nowhere one might wish to go.
- Route 80, the road that goes all the way to California. Always backed up in the direction you are going in only. The other side is magically free of traffic.
- Route 287 is another popular road. However, this road goes nowhere and does little of interest, so ignore it please. It was New Jersey's entry in the "Most Comical Route Around New York City" contest, and lost narrowly to New York's Gowanus Expressway, which had an unfair advantage due to the fact that it was designed by gorillas on angel dust. Route 287 is one of the many highways in New Jersey where the direction it says you're going isn't actually the direction you're going [i.e. 287 South is actually 287 Northeast and 287 North is actually 287 Southwest].
- Interstate 95 is a road that defies all logic in Jersey. Notice the mile numbers. Notice how they randomly go up and down. Notice how if you are on I-95 North, somehow you end up on I-295 south and if you are on I-95 South you end up on I-295 North? If it isn't clear by now, I-95 in New Joysee was planned out by Hitler. Also in on the Route 295 Conspiracy is Route 130, which randomly joins with Route 295 in the southern area to try to have a four-way orgy with Route 40 and the Jersey Turnpike at the Delaware Memorial Bridge.
- Interstate 195 is the road that leads to Six Flags Great Adventure. It is clogged with soccer moms in the summer and mechanics in the winter. It's also a good place to play "Spot the out-of towner!". As the road also leads to the alleged state capital, Trenton, it is a popular place for state troopers to show that they are doing their jobs by apprehending every motorist who is more than 1/8 Black.
- County Road 537 is the road that runs from Six Flags into Freehold and links up with Interstate 195. It was strategically made to force visitors to spend money in New Jersey outside of the park. Fines for right turns are tripled in the Six Flags area. Left turns, are, as usual, punishable by 18 consecutive life sentences.
- Route 23 goes into New York. Literally the only highway with nothing on it. Let's just avoid Route 23.
- Route 22 must be seen to be believed. It is actually a drive-thru mega mall and boasts the highest daily accident rate of any road in the country. Also, a good road on which to hotbox while driving to Melody, Pennsylvania to buy relatively cheap cartons of cigarettes... or in the either direction towards...
- Route 46 the superhighway with a traffic light every 50 yards.
- Route 1/9 and the ensuing Pulaski Skyway, the central vein of the armpit, deep within the 'Joisey Smell' zone proper. This will bring you quickly within sight of the signs for the Holland Tunnel, where you will sit in traffic for exactly long enough to miss whatever it was for which you wanted to enter New York/escape Joisey. It's generally a good idea to bring along some food, water, and a container suitable for the deposit and storage of bodily waste, when one is daring enough to try this route. Route 9 is also a really good road to get killed on, if you plan on dying in an automobile wreck in New Jersey, which is the official state past time. Mercifully, the road is remarkably free of roadkill, as the fumes from the traffic have asphyxiated any living thing along this route many years ago.
- Route 666 goes through the Pine barrens. An area which if lost you could go for days without encountering a single sign of human life, drive past the gates of hell, and be killed by the Jersey Devil.
- Route 40 is known for constantly being in construction when it never really needed it in the first place. Why they felt the need to make it wider will forever be a mystery. The constant construction is attributed to the workers ripping up the roads and then get whacked before they are able to complete the job. The "Sharptown Mall" or "CowTown Rodeo and Flea Market" is also located along the route in one of the few places still known as Hicktown, NJ.
- Route 90 is also known as the "humongous road to nowhere", as it leads from the bustling metropolis of Maple Shade to the phenomenally underused Betsy Ross Bridge, which takes one to Northeast Philadelphia, which is currently in a three-way tie with Camden, NJ and Gary, Indiana for the coveted title of, "fewest teeth per resident." Route 90 is composed of six to eight lanes of rubble-strewn concrete with a center divider. The purpose of the divider is to prevent deer, who are the major users of the road, from colliding with the occasional out-of-state motorist who has gotten lost trying to find the turnpike and is unfortunate enough to find his or herself on this highway. The road was also an attempt by the state to win the "Biggest Waste of Tax Dollars" contest, and found itself in third place behind Florida's "Gem Encrusted Pay Toilets" and Arkansas' "Solid Gold Manhole Covers".
- Route 73 contains one of the more amusing circles in New Jersey lore, known as the Marlton Circle. Many years ago, New Jersey's founding fathers drank a whole lot of corn liquor and invented the traffic circle. Later, soberer administrations decided that the circles were not the way to go, and bulldozed the living hell out of them and replaced them with humongous intersections where left turns are not allowed. Or are allowed, depending on the circle and the level of drinker's remorse the legislature had been feeling that day. Anyhow, when the Marlton Circle's turn came, the powers that be had apparently fallen off the wagon, for rather than replace the circle with a normal, or even Jersey-style incomprehensible intersection, they decided to run (why not?!) Route 73 straight through the circle. Now, rather than a traffic circle, the Marlton Circle resembles the Oldsmobile Logo. The powers that be, after sobering up, realized that they had given an unfair advantage in New Jersey's competitive driving environment to Oldsmobile owners, and drew up plans to replace the circle with a more neutral concept such as the Golden Arches.
- Route 78 A road of extremes. The eastern section of I-78 is a total mess with constant construction, several accidents a second, an unofficial speed limit of 12.5 MPH, ending in congestion heaven. However I-78 west goes through the boondocks of New Jersey through places that no one cares about nor needs to stop in. Points of interest include hillbillies and some diner that's so close to the highway that you might be tempted to drive right into it.
- Route 42 has a freeway section that is meticulously kept to the same maintenance standards as the surface of the moon. You will never see it, however, as for some inexplicable reason, it is just about impossible to re-enter the highway once you have exited it. Just about every road that has an interchange with this freeway will allow you to exit OR enter, but if you want to do both, you are jolly well screwed. An uncyclopedian who has spent his whole life living less than ten minutes from this abomination once tried to find a way to get on the highway. His efforts were unsuccessful and he had to slink home cursing his government (see things to do in New Jersey). The government's theory apparently was that "Wherever you might wish to go, you're already there!" This philosophy was reinforced when the state decided to render 295 North inaccessible from Rt. 42, thus leading to the slogan, "It's either there, or Delaware!" for if you wish to go anywhere else, you are once again jolly well screwed. This road is also in on the Route 295 Conspiracy (see Interstate 95, above) in that motorists wishing to access Rt. 42 must engage in a series of preposterously dangerous curving, weaving, and merging movements. This feature is intended to drum up business for the Camden/Gloucester county auto body shops, replacing the previous program which involved taking sledgehammers to parked vehicles.
- Route 21 is a government test site where, every night, the Department of Public Works secretly drills new potholes into the road, and observes the results of the following day's traffic to determine if funding can be cut on pothole repair; it is also known as "the highway the law forgot" because you can do at least 105 mph while never being afraid of being pulled over for speeding. Accordingly you may have to drift your car from lane to lane while accommodating the unusual turns the highway makes North of Newark, this is not only acceptable but encouraged and anticipated by other drivers.
- Route 37 Where every ass with '92 Civic and a loud exhaust wants to race you. These jerks all seem to congregate at any Wawa in the Toms River area. It is well known that they come predominately from the Lacey, Barnegat, Bayville, and Ocean Gate area.
- Route 72 is a highway that starts out as a two-lane road, then turns into a traffic-choked highway surrounded by shopping centers and car dealers, and then ands as an even more congested shore road filled with Bennys and people from North Jersey.
- Route 9 a.k.a. the "Highway to Hell", the head honcho of all New jersey highways. It starts out in New York, then Route 1-9, then an oversized highway with too many lights. You have to watch out for the asshole buses because they love to merge into you for the joy of it. Once in south Jersey, it is lined with Large Champagne bottles, plastic dinosaurs, homes topped with chairs, and even more large champagne bottles where it then is turned into the Cape May - Lewes Ferry to Delaware.
- Route 35 This is a road for the record books. It is a ton of fun, you can get gas.
- Clinton Road A road in which Satanic and KKK rituals occur on. Trust us, don't go there!
[edit] Jersey Pronunciation Truth
Absolutely no one says "Joysee" and no one says "Nuu Joyseee" If you are pronouncing it like this while visiting Jersey then you are a total fucking idiot and will get hit depending on what side of Jersey your in.
[edit] The Orange Theorem
Jersey is surrounded by a thick layer of shitty and crappy cities which protect a beautiful, lush, over-taxed middle. This is proved by the Oranges located in North Eastern New Jewsy.
[edit] State Salute
Raise the middle finger of your left hand while pretending to drive with your right.
Scream at little children out your car window
Crotch grab while screaming at the extremely loud helicopter bringing a super-rich New Yorker to his "country estate" in suburban New Jersey.
[edit] New Jersey Translations
- Down the Shore: Go to the beach. Note the absence of the word "to".
- Wooder: Water
- Wuddeva: Whatever
- Benny: Bayonne, Elizabeth, Newark & New York. See also: [[n00b].(Used to describe Jewtalian tourists)
- Web: Week End Bastards (A variation of Bennys)
- The Parkway: The Garden State Parkway
- The Turnpike: The freeway (it's a toll road)
- Great Adventure: Six Flags (which is mostly a set of lines people get into to wait for something)
- What exit?: What people say when they find out that someone is from NJ (Used to describe what exit off the Parkway people live near)
- Mook: Loser/Asshole used to describe a foreigner to the state. Similar to the Japanese word "Gaijin", except not at all.
- Cawfee: Coffee
- How ya do'in: Hello
- Jug Handle: Overly complicated traffic thing.
- Cloverleaf: A jug handle on steroids.
- Sunday Driver: People who come down from New York and constantly cut you off or get into car accidents because they don't know how to do anything on their own on Sunday.
- The Garden State: How a New Yorker living in New Jersey refers to the Garden State Parkway
- Fuksamatawit'Choo?: 'Hello friend, is something wrong with you?'
- "Hey yooz guys!" ("Hello all of you.")
- "A'm gonna reddup the room with the sweeper here."(I am going to clean the room with the vacuum cleaner.)
- "Jeet yet? Nah, j'ew?" ("Did you eat yet? No, did you?")
They also say the previous four quotes in Pittsburgh. However, nobody cares.
- "Goin dahntahn ta watch the devils get murdered." ( "I am going downtown to watch the New Jersey Devils play a game of hockey.")
[edit] See Also
- Benny
- The New Jersey Hoax
- Mafia
- Jon Bon Jovi
- Wildwood
- My Chemical Romance
- Mental Retardation
- Cocaine
- Italians
- Tomatoes
- Hell
- Crips
[edit] References
- ↑ This is the constant hollow refrain and unearthly wail of all those condemned who are stuck in the eternal torment of that abyss which is New Jersey." Is the cry of those whom live in cramped NYC apartments, while they are banging some Jersey Girl - easy for any New Yorker with access to a bottle of coconut flavored rum and an FDNY baseball cap.
