New Jersey
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| Official languages | Jerseyish, American, real English in rare cases, | Capital | Camden Lite |
| Exports | Nuclear waste, toxic waste, various types of air and water pollution, smog, Medicinal Marijuana, crack cocaine, Apparently textiles | ||
| Most Famous Citizens | Tony Soprano, Jim Cramer, Bruce Springsteen, Jon Bon Jovi, [[Frank Sinatra] NOt OBAMA YEEEAAAHHHHHH | ||
| Citizens They're Desperately Trying To Forget About | Jonas Brothers | ||
| Leader(s) | Jon Corslime, Tony Soprano NOT OBAMA FUCK HIM | ||
| State Pastime | Being a douche | ||
| Intelligence | 50th in the U.S. | (!!!) | |
| Motto | Ay fuck you asshole.... | ||
| State Nickname | The Garbage State | ||
| State Song | Woke Up This Morning | ||
| Length of work hours: | 0 minutes, 365 days a year | ||
| State Douche Bag | Chris Crustie | ||
| Literacy rate | N/A | ||
| Language | Garbagian |
New Jersey is referred to as "The Fuck You State". The official motto (said while grabbing crotch) "I don't see anything special with you mooks either.", more commonly known as 'Armpit of America', 'The Gateway To Hell', or the 'Suburb State', was the 3rd state in the United States of America. The unofficial state slogan is "You want a motto, I got your fucking motto right here". The capitol is Trenton otherwise known as Camden Lite: Now with 10% reduced shootings!. David Letterman had his orthodontic work performed in New Jersey.
Although unknown to some, vast expanses of New Jersey are rural/ forested. Anyone coming home from down the shore at three A.M. on the back roads knows that if you breakdown, you are screwed, usually within five minutes of breakdown, you will be savagely beaten and then eaten by the native albino midgets. (Not always in that order, mind you.)
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[edit] Culture
Created when God punished the Care Bears for killing the Care Bear Cousins by forcing them to living in the most vile place ever created. the City-State of New Jersey is a scientifically formulated mixture of subs, closeted gay men, such as the obese Cody Wagner who cannot play basketball because he is too small and fat; and rampant Italian Americans best enjoyed while enjoying romance under a full moon listening to David Bowie. Not many are aware of this fact but New Jersey is actually one giant freeway, with numerous exits - it is also considered incredibly rude if you ask a New Jerseyite "which exit?" whenever they inform you that they live in said "city." In some mythologies, Old Jersey is the land of Paradise, the Garden of Alden, even. However, such stories are generally believed only by hopelessly psychotic homeless people who wander the streets of Intercourse, Pennsylvania. See also Avril Lavigne.
Contrary to retarded belief, New Jerseyites call their home Jersey, that's it just Jersey. Only fucking New Yorkers say New Jersey. However, in the Nike revolution of 2006 New Jersey proposed a name change to New New York (Annexe), something it had been apparently been planning for years, this was of course after the destruction of New York. This was popular among many Republicans and Former UK Prime Minister Tony Blair (or "Good Dog", as he was affectionally known by George Bush) was in favour of the move. It was eventually quashed in Congress when Bush admitted he couldn't spell York. He knew the state was infested with aids.
New Jersey is much cleaner than most other states due to the fact that the suburbs channel their waste into Atlantic City, Trenton, Newark, Jersey City, Camden and Asbury Park — and their surrounding waterways (see Passaic River). [1]
In order to live in New Jersey one must be at least one of the following; Italian, Arab, Greek, German, Jewish, Irish, Asian, Latino, Black or Catholic - exception: Indians may live in central Jersey only. You may also live in Jersey if you are either unable to afford to live in New York, or if you're part of an old New Jersey family that was too stupid to leave the state while he going was good (if you are in the latter group, then you are merely tolerated, but not quite welcome). If you meet none of these standards then you are to be whacked. New Jersey has a curiosity called the Jewtalian - Italian girls who could pass for a Semite and who act Jewish. (Jewtalians are also deathly afraid of bears) When Jewtalians travel to other parts of the United States, they are almost always mistaken for Jews. Many Jewtalians, who average 4.5 feet tall, can be seen arriving at the Short Hills Mall in cream colored Cadillac Escalades. All Jersey residents hate New Yorkers, because they ordered the whacking of Oscar Wilde.
Another little known fact is that all people from New Jersey know where Jimmy Hoffa is, who killed Kennedy, where to get a good meal at three in the morning (that diner with the fat waitress who smells like cheese), and where to get drugs. New Jersey is divided into north, south, and central. The North is the land of pollution and crime and the south is farms, Wawas, the shore, and a dumping spot for corpses, and Central Jersey (The correct name) is a collection of both. All people in New Jersey live in fear of three things; the mafia, the Jersey Devil, and car insurance. South Jersey people also know how Mexicans fit twenty people into the front cab of a truck, because they have done it with them. New Jersey residents also have been to every business shown on the Sopranos. The only way New Jersey residents are able to survive the taxes is through their Mafia connections.
Moreover, it is important to mispronounce certain words : water as "warder", garbage as "garbitch", etc. You also are required to live within one half-hour of a mall, within .5 minutes of a Wawa (in south Jersey), within easy walking distance of sub-par Italian food, and within 500 yards of two Dunkin' Donuts locations. The number of Dunkin' Donuts franchises was required to provide sustenance for the largest police population of any of the United States. However New Jerseyites agree that Wawas are substantially better than Dunkin' Donuts.
New Jersey is America's pioneering state in residential equality. To establish a proper balance between the age old city vs country rivalry, the New Jersey government has created a law that allows only two types of settlements in the state: dull extensive suburbs and ghetto hell hole cities (ex. Newark, Jersey City, Elizabeth, Camden, Paterson and any other settlement that does not qualify as a dull overpriced suburb). The genius of the law is that both types of settlements suck equally, so no one feels jipped. The law also makes "grass is greener on the side of the fence" an outdated statement in New Jersey, since on the suburban side there is nothing but grass (and highways), while grass in cities is strictly prohibited (unless it's hippie grass).
Despite the apparent monotony of the majority of the state, there are some cultural anomalies...New Jersey has long been a place of exile for those who don't "make the cut" in other parts of the world, and for this reason every now and then you will run into a muncipality that doesnt quite fit in with typical state culture. Take Jackson Township, which was originally a prison for Confederate Soldiers in the Civil War, and Bridgewater Township, the home of Orange County rejects.
[edit] History
- see also: History of New Jersey
New Jersey was originally settled by Dutch who found real estate prices too high in New Amsterdam (now Manhattan, New York City), a condition that exists to this day, mostly because of the extreme violence by Russians and Americans who still think the Cold War is hot news and hate pasta patties. The settlers quickly cut down much of the forest land in New Jersey, giving rise to North America's first shoe industry. The deforested areas were then sown with tulips.
This was all brought to a rapid halt by the British, who took over all of what ultimately became the United States and Canada. New Jersey was given its current name and was made the Royal Colony because the British Army and colonial governors knew that no royalty would ever cross the pond and see the smelly swamps that ultimately earned New Jersey its reputation as the armpit of America --> SO SO TRUE!!! --> (you're a moron!!!)
New Jersey became most famous during the American Revolution, when it became the favorite retreat route for Denzel Washington and his forces. Washington established headquarters in a few towns in New Jersey, the most famous of which was in what is now Morristown. He stayed in New Jersey until he retreated across the Delaware River to Pennsylvania, where he and his troops spent an infamous winter at Valley Forge before he found his second wind.
As one of the United States, New Jersey excelled in converting useless real estate into shopping malls and sports complexes. Notably, the shopping mall was both invented and refined in New Jersey. The town of Paramus, in northern New Jersey, became the world capital of shopping malls. New Jersey has also gained fame as where Thomas Alva Edison invented the light bill and, more recently, where "The Algorithm(TM)" was invented.
As real estate prices skyrocketed in New York City, New Jersey became the most densely populated state in the U.S. There are so many towns with invisible town lines in New Jersey, it was necessary to build the Garden State Parkway, running the entire length of the state, with exit numbers mile-indexed for the distance from Cape May, its southern-most point. This gave rise to the state's unofficial motto, "How ya doin'? What's your exit?" because, in most cases, nobody ever heard of your town.
[edit] Geography
New Jersey occupies Staten Island, The Bronx, Brooklyn, Queens, the majority of Manhattan, Nova Scotia, The Delaware Bay, parts of New England, Canada, India, Papua New Guinea, Australia, Ethiopia, Finland, the Falkland Islands (for strategic sheep purposes) and Greenland. It is heavily populated by assholes and sexy ladies, who are sometimes both at the same time. In 2006, North Korea attempted to conquer New Jersey by means of break dancing competitions between Kim Jong-Il and ex-governor "Thweet" Jim McGreevey. McGreevey, a secret master of the move known as the "tear-dropping thunderbolt fister" quickly put Jong-Il in his place. Shortly thereafter, Jong-Il was made to wear lipstick and force fed Italian hoagies. McGreevey reportedly screamed, "No! It's a sub!"
It is possible to set your GPS to find Newark, New Jersy by smell (not unlike the Smell-O-Scope of Futurama fame). However, once you get into Newark this function becomes completely useless, as the entire place has the same smell of burning rubber. At this point, the normal reaction is to take a deep breath and say "Ah! Industrialism! It reminds me of Soviet Russia!"
[edit] Entertainment In New Jersey
New Jersey has a rich culture in the arts, including but not limited to strip clubs inhabited by middle aged strippers and men in trucker hats, and has been the birthplace of such hit motion picture masterpieces such as "Jersey Girl" and "Gigli".
New Jersey is one of the few states in America to maintain funding for the position of "Village Idiot". Governor Corzine currently holds the position but few believe he will be able to keep the job as fan favorite, the Jonas Brothers, have begun campaigning for next year. Which would make Jim McGrievey, however the hell you spell his last name, not the only gay governor of New Jersey.
Old ladies yell "RAPE!" for entertainment in New Jersey.
[edit] Sports Teams in New Jersey
New Jersey lost all of its sports teams to the non-existent New York, which it then invaded and concerned in revenge. Thusly, the only sports team you will find in New Jersey is the New Jersey Turnpikers. The Turnpikers have never actually completed a full home game, as any team that has challenged them has ended up with most of their players in jail on trumped-up left turn charges, resulting in an automatic forfeit.
Coached by living legend Terry Shea, the New Jersey Turnpikers play right in the middle of exit 14 and 15W, right where that awful stench keeps happ'nin.
Contrary previous research, but it was discovered that there are two NFLTeams in New Jersey, they are simply ashamed of their New Jerseyness and call themselves The New York Giants and Jets, both expected to play in new stadiums in New York state or Connecticut in the near future.
Other teams in sports are the NBA basketball New Jersey Nets expected to play in a new arena in Brooklyn, the NHL ice hockey New Jersey Devils expected to rent in a different arena probably in Springfield, Mass. and the MLS soccer (O RLY?) New Jersey Metrostars...oops, the New York Red Bulls began to play in Shit (er, shea) stadium.
Jon Bon Jovi, world famous rock star is also a pro sports team owner of the Philadelphia Soul, an Arena Football team that also doesn't play in New Jersey.
[edit] State Salute
Raise the middle finger of your left hand while pretending to drive with your right.
Scream at little children out your car window
Crotch grab while screaming at the extremely loud helicopter bringing a super-rich New Yorker to his "country estate" in suburban New Jersey.
[edit] See Also
[edit] References
- ↑ This is the constant hollow refrain and unearthly wail of all those condemned who are stuck in the eternal torment of that abyss which is New Jersey." Is the cry of those whom live in cramped NYC apartments, while they are banging some Jersey Girl - easy for any New Yorker with access to a bottle of coconut flavored rum and an FDNY baseball cap.
