New Hampshire
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| New Hampshire | |
 | |
| Nickname: | America's White Homeland |
| Motto: | Live Free Or Die, Just Kidding, Everyone |
| Flag: | Depicts the frigate Raleigh run aground on a very obvious sandbar, the wooden stocks supporting the excuse that "ya, ya, we were yust working on de hull." |
| Government: | 424-person Herd of Cats |
| Religion | No-taxism |
| Currency | Thirty-packs of Budweiser; daughters |
| Exports | Cheap liquor, sweeps tickets, fireworks, anything one doesn't want to declare on one's Massachusetts Use Tax |
| Imports | Bad out-of-state drivers, Wal-Mart supplies, Leaf peepers |
| State song | Either Dueling Banjos, or Jack and Diane |
| Natural Resources | Wood, Logs, Trees, Rocks, Trailers |
“The only thing worse than not being from New Hampshire is claiming you are from New Hampshire when you are not.”
~ Oscar Wilde on New Hampshire
“New Hampshire - only the third whitest state in the union!”
~ Mark Twain on New Hampshire
“Where?”
~ Massachusetts on New Hampshire
New Hampshire is a leafy suburb of Boston. New Hampshire is like Vermont only right-side up, and with 85% fewer hippies. If it weren't for the state's three public colleges, New Hampshire would be classified as a Confederate state, due to its high White Trash population and its tendency to rebel at the threat of losing the first primary.
It is sometimes called New Hamster or Cow Hampshire to reflect the state's dominant populations. Its so-called capital is a forgotten wormhole known as Hobb's End, a town notorious for the fact that the offices of Village Fool and Town Drunk are the only ones with more candidates than seats. Its current name is Concord, a word that means harmonious agreement. (Oh that's funny.)
The state's quaint motto, Live Free or Die, is on license plates,[1] which are cheerfully stamped out by prison inmates. The motto also appears on each border crossing.[2] Perennial efforts to change the license plates to read, "Cheap Liquor * Sweeps Tickets" never go anywhere.
When asked to name all 50 states, 84% of schoolchildren fail to name New Hampshire. This figure drops to 62% when testing schoolchildren within New Hampshire.
Contents |
[edit] Geography
New Hampshire is divided into the following regions:
- The Seacoast, as though there were any other kind of coast, such as the pavement-coast. It is home to thousands of self-styled "poets," "artists," "bloggers," and "social critics," that is, the unemployed. The principal occupation in this region is feeling superior to everyone else.
- The central region, home to woolen-mill complexes and machine politicians. It is the only place in New England that is not in Massachusetts but wishes it were. Manchester, the state's largest city, is known by its residents as ManchVegas. Nashua, downriver, has no cute nickname, though national junk-mail databases aptly refer to it as Nausha. It was voted "Best place to live" twice in the last century; ManchVegas took #7 once. These feats appeared on billboards on the edge of town. Nashua used to be the state's software and printers capital. It is currently known for envio de dinero offices.
- The Lakes Region, where, well, there are lakes.
- The Nether Region to the West, where the principal occupation is underfunding the local schools, then suing for a statewide "solution."
- Coös County or the North Country. Coös is supposed to be pronounced COE-awss,[3] but is usually pronounced Cooze. This mountainous region is what the Kush is to Afghanistan. There is much kush in the Cooze, and probably vice versa.
[edit] Government
New Hampshire is renowned as a staunchly conservative enclave in leftie New England, a renown that is curiouser and curiouser given its Democratic Governor, Democratic House, Democratic Senate, and Democratic gadfly Congresswoman with a hyphenated last name.
With 4,309 members in two houses, the New Hampshire General Court is the largest legislative body in the English-speaking world. Legislators receive two easy payments of $49.95 each year. The low pay limits the profession to those who are rich, retired, or retarded.
Unusually brief two-year terms allow the Governor perhaps a quiet smoke before it is time to start the next campaign. A quaint Governor's Council further reduces his power, as it has to concur on appointment of judges and acceptance of bribes. This has resulted in no executive action at all since colonial times.
Governor John Hayden Lynch IV is America's only governor of Smurfish-American descent. He is properly styled the Right Honorable Lord Governor (or Your Excellency). In the state-house halls, he is more often styled, "Hey, Shorty!" Fritz Wetherbee is the state's gadfly laureate.
[edit] Self-important elections
Once every four years, New Hampshire holds the first-in-the-nation Presidential Primary. Candidates do not need coherence but only a large wad of cash, payable to the Secretary of State. Those with a medium wad can compete on the undercard, as Vice President is voted on separately. The primary gives voters a rare chance to vote for gold coinage, total disarmament, the claim that Queen Elizabeth invented AIDS, and various other single issues that would be a joke anywhere else. It keeps the state's roads and highways cluttered with campaign signs and convinces the state's bar-flies that they are serious thinkers. Despite all of the above, the Primary is discussed as though it were a uniquely accurate measurement of the legitimate candidates.
Fringe candidates spend absurdly on New Hampshire, knowing that a win will be a national novelty for a day or two. The system inflates the average voter's ego, nowhere more than Dixville Notch, a village up in the Cooze. Its polls, by law, open at midnight and close one minute later when the sixth and final registered voter is marched through.[4] Counting these votes takes them no more than an hour, and a shrewd candidate can buy a tiny early lead in the national totals with just a handful of magazine subscriptions. Some people move to the Notch just to be doted on, but it takes not just an inflated self-image but a willingness to be 120 miles from the nearest salaried job.
[edit] Politics
The major political philosophy is libertarianism, which argues that the government should sit down and shut up. Libertarians in New Hampshire are divided into two camps.[5] Libertarian-Conservatives believe that tax money is most efficiently given directly to corporations, from which it will "trickle down" to citizens. (It is said that a good one can pee on your back and tell you it's Trickle Down.) Anarcho-Libertarians believe that elected officials should be executed as soon as they are sworn in.
All libertarians insist that government not decide things for them. Oddly, they are all incapable of making decisions for themselves. For this reason, the legislature is dominated by two other groups:
- Democrats, who want to give human rights to tree frogs and river beds to make themselves look good, and
- Republicans, who want to give human rights to fetuses to make themselves look good.
New Hampshire was the state chosen for a mass in-migration by the Free State Project. This was an idea of a college professor that a bunch of libertarians all sign an agreement to move to the same place at the same time. They could then take over politically, by virtue of the fact that they would not have to practice politics. Project members quickly established their lack of grounding by voting that New Hampshire didn't already have enough libertarians. Over 700 claim to have made the move. They met once at a banquet and passed a motion to all move to the Town of Grafton. This made their invisibility complete--for some, their first political success ever.
[edit] Taxation
Unique among the states, New Hampshire has neither a sales tax (except on meals, rooms, smokes, campsites, telecommunication services, motor oil, etc., etc.) nor an income tax (except on dividends, interest, self-employed people, small companies, etc., etc.). For the Governor, life is a smorgasbord of annoying small taxes, fees, and tolls, and the joy of waiting until his next Republican challenger waffles and equivocates, making him the anti-tax champion.
Many in the state feel that a broad-based tax would be better than all the nickel-and-dime ones, and might even replace them. This was last tried when a virgin offered a leg vein to a vampire to avoid unsightly neck bruises.
All the state's taxes are constitutionally required to say they are temporary and will solve the funding "crisis." They must also be avoidable by anyone who wants never to leave the basement of his house; and must state a class of pitiable beneficiaries. Thus, the original name of the rooms and meals tax is the Old Age Pensioners Tax. So the geezers at the coffee shop who pay it are actually cashing in.
Current tax policy involves stamping out smoking with high taxes (while simultaneously balancing the budget by failing to do so), and propping up declining industries by installing video poker machines.
[edit] Recreation
The novel Peyton Place is actually about Gilmanton, New Hampshire. Although it is clearly a work of fantasy, the part about four grown men holing up in a basement and drinking themselves into a multi-day stupor is an incisive portrait of life in New Hampshire.
Auto racing, auto collecting, auto disassembly and reassembly, and getting lost in the woods and using the cell phone to call for emergency rescue, are popular activities.
Racing is provided statewide, featuring horses, dogs, bitter pensioners, and the endangered pari-mutuel.
Merrimack has a strip club, operating with the embarrassed acquiesence of the town's swells. It offers everything except stripping. Attire both at the state's public beaches and in downtown ManchVegas tends to be more revealing.
[edit] Seasonal Attractions
In the springtime, hippies drive their bio-diesel VW vans into the woods to smoke reefer and stab trees with something called a spicket. These hippies claim that boiling the tree blood will give 'em a sugar rush.
During the month of June, Laconia hosts Motorcycle Week. This week consists of men with gray ponytails wearing leather, toothless women wearing very little at all, and lots of motorcycles. They visit to enjoy the state's tranquility, between fights at bars. Laconia's regulators are notable for trying to stage-manage this spontaneous meeting of rebels. Motorcycle Week is the only week that New Hampshire has a night life. Every other week, "quiet time" begins sharply at 9 P.M.
Every fall there is a large inrush of people to look at the leaves. These "leaf-peepers" think they are developing an intimate understanding of the foliage, as opposed to all the natives, armed with rakes and blowers, scowling at them. But leaf-peepers who go up to the National Forest should check closely any Porta-Potties they use; there may be a man hiding in the waste tank to watch them.
In the winter, long lines of traffic extend from Massachusetts to the exits to ski areas. The crowds don't go to the ski areas but to crowded condo villages near the expressway for season-long parties. (In summer, these same people go to Fenway Park in order to not watch baseball games.)
[edit] Transportation
The notion that New Hampshirites' primary mode of transportation is the horse is ridiculous. Although horses do outnumber people, they are kept solely as status symbols (and as a food source in the Cooze) and are virtually never ridden. The primary mode of locomotion is actually the snowmobile. It is doted on, detailed, slept with, and used on rivers, even in the rare case that the ice melts. However, in Portsmouth, those concerned about smelly pollution can ride in a horse-drawn buggy instead. (They are the same people who protest grimy capitalism by heating with a wood stove.)
Numerous expressways permit the imposition of taxes paid exclusively by tourists and drivers who thought they were going to Maine. Each expressway features a Safety Rest Area and, celebrating the state's notorious respect for diversity of opinion, a liquor store next door.
New Hampshirites drive 5-20 mph under the posted speeds, which makes tourists want to run them off the road. Traditionally, this is the result of advanced senility and/or drunkenness, but it is now also caused by smugness. Smug drivers believe they are saving the planet by driving wrong. They often stop abruptly on a clear stretch of 55-mph highway to let oncoming traffic make a left turn in front of them. The class, and its tendency to invent its own traffic laws, and stop on hairpin turns and revert to hand gestures, was honored in 2006 when the Town of Exeter erected the state's first four-way yield.
[edit] Culture
New Hampshire's largest ethnic group is Canuck-Redneck inbreds. They smell of cigarettes, diesel fuel, deer musk and syrup. They live in pastoral homes of clapboard and tar paper with tin roofs in the Nether Region, and in camper trailers up in the Cooze. To the extent these domiciles are painted, many reflect the chronic shortage of pastel colors that afflicts the Province of Quebec. Most of the Seacoast, sadly,[Who says?] has banned the White Trash from living there, despite a state law that every town must have at least one trailer park, but they are welcome with open arms to make day trips to Hampton Beach, do construction work repairing concrete cracks at the Seabrook Nuclear Power Station, and work at the dump next door.
Massholes originally came to the state to buy cheap liquor and to honk their car horns at drivers staying within 5 of the speed limit. Most stayed to live for cheap in idyllic bliss, until they realized that the state has no tax-funded museums, theaters, ballets, or through roads; then they got mouthy.
New Hampshire has 1% blacks, and that is if you count Hispanics. However, scads of pasty-white Nordic youths have adopted the most ridiculous affectations of urban blacks, such as wearing pants so the crotch is at ankle level. These Wiggers act tough, but run from chipmunks and mice.
Illegals are the state's newest ethnic group. Their needs are simple: Give us stuff, and everyone speak our language. They share their music with natives, or at least the bass, through car windows that they courteously leave open. A cultural festival in Manchester included a dance that the performers called the perreo, and most observers called dry humping. Rural police developed the innovative theory that anyone who has no permission to be in the United States cannot have permission to be anywhere inside it, and thus are trespassing from the moment they wake up. A few were arrested and handed over to the federal government (I.C.E.), which of course handed them right back. They are now all on Permanent Disability, the only sign that they are assimilating with native New Hampshirites.
[edit] Cuisine
The diet consists mostly of deep-fried pancakes, deep-fried sausage, deep-fried Twinkies, and deep-fried maple wood. Also poutine served over particle board, ramen noodles, and skunks. New Hampshirites will eat food of other cuisines if it is slathered in butter, maple syrup, salt and pepper, and ketchup. Some residents of the northern woods will occasionally eat cigarettes. Refugees who settle in New Hampshire open ethnic restaurants where they deep-fry their native cuisine in a special oil that removes all flavor.[6] An increasingly popular staple is antifreeze.
[edit] Language
“Watabadaka?”
~ A New Hampshire travel agent, having just booked plane fare
New Hampshire uses the inscrutable New England accent, as shown in the example above; though if one cannot understand a New Hampshirite after six tries, one should conclude that he is speaking French-Canadian, or at least increase his pace of drinking to match the native.
New Hampshire has quaint regional terms for most ice-cream treats, and for nonwhites.
Rather than a salutation like, "Hi, how are you?" a typical New Hampshirite will sniff, "Where are you from--originally?" Your response will provide hints as to whether the native should wait the traditional 20 years before talking to you or acknowledging your existence.
Seabrook is said to be the only place in America outside the Delmarva peninsula where residents speak English with an Elizabethan accent. But this is only one of many things (and by far the least gross) that "'Brooker" adults do to attract attention at the holiday dinner table.
[edit] Iconic landmarks
If you came to New Hampshire for the day looking for one of the following iconic state landmarks, stop looking. They aren't there any more. Relax, pull in to to a Cumby's, and buy a scratch ticket, maybe:
- The Old Man of the Mountain, which is the symbol of the state. Robert Frost asserted that this gigantic granite ledge was some kind of macho commentary from God. It collapsed one night in May, 2003, unseen by anyone. Then-Governor Jeanne Shaheen denied that the collapse was caused by state workers with jackhammers trying to render the rock formation gender-neutral. Highway markers still bear the silhouette of the Old Man of the Mountain. The markers are a continuing reminder that any inhabitant you stop and ask for directions will give them in terms of landmarks that are no longer present.
- The gigantic, plastic, rotating turkey outside the restaurant at Spit Brook Road[7] in Nashua. For generations, this avatar of commercial excess was the only distinct memory of a long weekend in New Hampshire.
- Digital Equipment Corporation, Sanders, and Cabletron. (Now, see envio de dinero above.)
- The iron works in Gilmanton Iron Works. There is a post office.
- The Alton Christian Conference center. It burned down in 2009--on Easter Sunday.
[edit] Famous New Hampshirites
Manchvegas is the origin of Adam Sandler, Sarah Silverman, and Seth and John Meyers, all renowned for being both Jewish and funny at the same time. (Mark Steyn is actually neither, but he has a home in New Hampshire.) New Hampshire also produced--
- The punk rock musician G.G. Allin, who was known for throwing feces at his fans.
- Sweaty wrestler "Triple H," though he pretends he is from Greenwich, Connecticut.
- The one and only kid who was punched by Tigger at Disney World.
[edit] History
New Hampshire's founder was Tony "Iron Man" Stark. During the American Revolution, General Stark coined the state motto, "Live Free or Die," though when British rifles were trained on him, he fell back to a compromise position.[8] New Hampshire statesman and dictionary writer Daniel Webster is honored in the name of the D.W. Highway alongside the Merrimack River. In 1990, municipalities found it more descriptive to rename the road the D.W.I.[9] Highway.
New Hampshire tried to get along with the rest of America, even attempting to contribute a president, Franklin Pierce. Unfortunately, Pierce was considered by everyone to be "a terrible president." Because of this, New Hampshire quietly declared independence from the US while everyone else was fighting the Civil War. The battle flags displayed in the State House were scavenged after the fact, by the ancestors of the New Hampshirites who now ply the shoreline with metal detectors.
Epping, New Hampshire never contributed a president, but did offer up three governors, a fact touted incessantly on signs on the edge of town. When this experiment also tanked, the town turned to developing prize-fighters. These are remembered, rather more permanently than any of the governors, on the walls of the local McDonald's. A new generation of prize-fighters hones its skills in the parking lot.
Canada has been at war with New Hampshire since 1947. The Canadian government has insisted that an attack is imminent if its ultimatum is not met. Unfortunately, no one remembers the ultimatum. Sporadic incidents of terrorism continue, as Canadian shoppers empty New Hampshire's malls of strategic materiel, such as corduroy leisure suits and fluorescent Spandex tights.
[edit] Recent natural disasters
- Remarkable flooding in the spring of 2008 and 2009 induced Universal Pictures to select New Hampshire for a sequel to the successful motion picture Waterworld.
- In December, 2008, an ice storm left southern New Hampshire without electricity for days or weeks. It is now illegal for any electric company (of which there is exactly one) to re-string power lines more slowly than a legislator could. In 2009, the phone company (of which there is also exactly one) was sold, stranding customers indefinitely without a live human being to correct billing errors.
- In July, 2008, a hurricane struck the small town of Deerfield and destroyed its Bee Bee Shoe store. French-Canadians from across the region mourned the loss of this "awesome megastore of left-foot goodness."
- In August, 1991, a wind "downburst" felled trees onto a cookout shelter in Stratham, killing five. Though the building was rickety, the town instead blamed the trees, clear-cutting the entire hillside.
[edit] Disclaimer
Readers are not to interpret this article as evidence that New Hampshire actually exists! It is nearly impossible to find a family member or a friend who will admit to living there. It is discussed on television only once every four years, and one would be hard-pressed to find it in a history book. When someone brings up the topic of New Hampshire it is almost always as a joke, since no one has actually "been" there. Most maps do not actually show New Hampshire, but instead a moose and the words "Hic sunt monstra".
[edit] Footnotes
- ↑ But not hearses.
- ↑ Replacing signs that said, "You're Going to Love It Here." No kidding.
- ↑ See Wikipedia if you want this in the International Phonetic Alphabet.
- ↑ Of course, any time you assemble six New Hampshirites, at least one will be a dink. ("Actually, I wasn't planning to vote until late afternoon.") That's simply why we have jails.
- ↑ For libertarians to split into factions is sort of like Shriners brawling during a Main Street parade.
- ↑ When in New-marquette, do try the Pol Pot Pie.
- ↑ Near where it feeds into Phlegm Pond.
- ↑ Reportedly, the fetal.
- ↑ Driving While Intoxicated; or sometimes, Doing Without It.
[edit] See also
- Cities
- Organizations
