New England

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{{title|WELCOME TO NEW ENGLAND}}
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"''A Brit is full of shit''"-'''Captain Obvious''' on [[Brits]]
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'''New England''' is the common term for the Northeast section of America which includes the states of [[Connecticut]], [[Rhode Island]], [[Massachusetts]], [[Vermont]], [[New Hampshire]] and [[Maine]]. It's name is derived from the fact that limey/pommy bastards settled here in the 1620's and established [[British]] colonies.
 
   
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"''Great Britain is a barmy backwater whorehouse and its folk are queer gits.Wait.....I'm a Brit?!''"-'''Oscar Wilde''' '''to Captain Obvious'''
   
[[image:NewEngland_01.gif‎|center|250px]]
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"''God shave the Queen!''"-'''Sean Connery''' on the Queen's biocuriosity
   
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"''Spare me,milord!I'm just a queer Cornishman with a lousy Cockney accent....I ain't a real Brit!!!''"-'''Romartus the Impersonator''' on being cornered by '''The Brit-Slayer'''
   
=New York Is Not Part Of New England=
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"''Let's make love,Monsieur''"-'''Napoleon''' to '''Winston Churchill'''
Learning that [[New York]] is not part of New England is essential for avoiding conflict with a current or former resident of the Northeast. Take a good look at the map above and notice the absence of [[Long Island]] and Upstate New York, which border New England on the south and the west. While nobody else in the world really gives a shit, these people are obsessed with this trivial fact and delight in momentarily going insane over any geographical transgression uttered in their presence.
 
   
=Why New England?=
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"''Y-Y-o-ou wi-i-il p-pay fo-o-r thi-is t-t-tra-rav-e-e-st-y!!!''"-'''King George VI''' to '''Chuck Norris''' on getting a wedgie
{{main|History of New England}}
 
The first English settlers endured a difficult voyage to the new world, so it's understandable that after finally seeing dry land at Plymouth Rock, they decided to stay. If the [[Pilgrims]] were smarter they would have sailed another few days south, perhaps to the area now known as Roanoke, where they would have enjoyed much better weather for agriculture and general comfort. Perhaps living in this miserably cold and dreary area reminded them of jolly old [[England]], who knows?
 
   
=These People Are Crazy=
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"''AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!''"-'''Mr.Bean''' on '''Himself'''
[[image:Salem-witch.jpg‎|center|827px]]
 
[[image:20070202aquatee.jpg‎|right|200px]]
 
   
<span style="margin-top:10px; margin-bottom:10px; font-family:'Futura Condensed', sans-serif; font-size:24pt; color:black; line-height:26pt;"><center>'''''Gaaaaah! It's Witchcraft!! Oh My God!!'''''</center></span>
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Brits are extraterrestrial yet inferior Scotsmen/Irishmen/Frenchies/Mexicans/Pakistanis/Indians/Iraqis/Iranians/Japs/Chinks/Koreans/Somalians/Nigerians/Zulus who were genetically-enginneered and artificially created as a part of a hybridisation program by G(r)ay aliens to take over Earth and begin anew the colonialisation of this realm.
   
Seriously, these people are fucking [[crazy]] and it's a tradition that goes back centuries. In 1692, A couple of [[retarded]] little girls screamed and rolled around on the floor, claiming to be poked by unseen [[demons]], and the result was the ''[[Salem Witch Trials]]''. Confused and superstitious colonists rounded up anyone with the slightest [[eccentric|eccentricity]], assuming that facial ticks and common [[abnormality|abnormalities]] were obvious signs of praying to [[Satan]] and using [[witchcraft]] to afflict the community. Pretty soon, everyone was running to the authorities with spurious allegations of neighbors who were in allegiance with the [[Devil]]. Over the summer they managed to hang 20 people and imprisoned 150, not to mention everyone else that was accused and faced the impromptu [[inquisition]].
 
   
Fast forward 315 years to the present and you'll notice that not much has changed. In 2007, morning commuters in [[Boston]] saw these catchy, blinking promotional advertisements for [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force]] and promptly went fucking berzerk, thinking it was a [[terrorist]] attack. Who in the hell makes a bomb with attractive blinking lights and a Mooninite extending his middle finger on them? Why would you plant these bombs in highly visible places, eliminating the element of surprise? How come nobody got upset about the fact that nobody reported seeing them being placed in the first place? It's patently crazy if you think about it but people from New England '''don't know any better'''. It doesn't take much for the "pitchforks and torches" mentality to take over on a moment's notice, so always be careful when dealing with someone from New England.
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== '''THE ORIGIN OF [[ENGLAND]] AND IT'S PEOPLE : GENESIS OF THE BRITS''' ==
   
=Essential Services=
 
   
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All Brits are the demonic offspring of the incest inbreeding between "G(r)ay" Aliens and Hitler's Bitch......
   
[[image:Greatwhite_hmed.h2.jpg‎|right|200px]]
 
[[Image:Stationx.jpg|right|200px]]
 
<span style="margin-top:10px; margin-bottom:10px; font-family:'Futura Condensed', sans-serif; font-size:24pt; color:black; line-height:26pt;"><center>'''''Don't Make Me Do My Job!!'''''</center></span>
 
Unlike the more civilized areas of America with high population densities, New England retains the ancient system of Volunteer Fire Departments, which are staffed exclusively by people with day jobs in other professions. Local government operates the same way, with all the essential services that keep the citizenry safe in the hands of moonlighting employees who don't want to do their jobs. Buying or owning a piece of property in New England means that you'd better be a qualified [[Geologist]], Building Inspector, Health Inspector and Fire Marshall because those people aren't going to lift a finger until you or someone else gets killed. Then, they'll conclude that you were negligent and totally responsible for anything that happened.
 
A perfect example is the 2003 ''Station Nightclub Fire'' in Rhode Island, where 100 people were killed and 200 injured when the band "Great White" manged to ignite the insulation above the stage on fire while using a pyrotechnic. Heaven forbid the Fire Marshall actually be able do his fucking job and inspect such a venue on a regular basis, perhaps noticing the illegal materials being used to insulate the loud music from whining [[neighbors]]. Instead, a [[volunteer]] Fire Marshall's job is more focused on assigning blame and complaining about a lack of manpower and resources to do the job properly. If you live in New England, it's every man for himself.
 
   
=Southern New England=
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So you wanna know how such vile alien scum is living right among us , masquerading as over-polite,goody little two-shoes,Oxford-educated,tea-sipping,seemingly innocuous bastards?Well then.....'''THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE!'''
   
==The Rich Bastard Zone==
 
[[image:Amd_martha_stewart.jpg|left|thumb|150px|Don't let the camera smile fool you, [[Martha Stewart]] didn't go to prison for being a happy homemaker]]‎
 
The Southwestern corner of Connecticut, gateway to New York City, is mostly populated with New England's wealthiest people. If you collectively pried open the wallets of these people with a crowbar, the sun would likely be blotted out by the swarm of moths that escaped in the process. This is the land where wannabee Kennedy family member Michael Skakel beat a 15 year-old girl to death with a golf club and escaped justice for 25 years.
 
   
Anyone who has seen a comedy interview done on a New York City street with the general public is familiar with the requisite 50 year-old woman who refuses to stop for the camera and says [[Images|"go fuck yourself"]] to the interviewer. Those women are not from New York, they're actually residents of the New England rich bastard zone who commute there by day and return to their gated communities in Connecticut by night. Most of the [[evil]], pinched, bitter faces that you see in New York belong to these imports.
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It all started when a random Jap Yaoi fanboy watched Ancient Aliens and decided to "Reach out to our celestial brethren".........
   
There are a few heavily populated sections of Southern New England, where the hired help live like rats and [[cockroaches]], but most estates are built on numerous acres of land which are painstakingly manicured by armies of [[illegal immigrant|illegal immigrants]]. (Is that a well maintained public park or is that somebodies front lawn!?) These [[rich]] bastards are basically the "elitists" that [[Republicans]] talk about fighting against but the reality is that anyone with any political aspirations in America had better be prepared to assume the position with these rich fuckers or get crushed like a tiny bug.
 
   
==The Fringes==
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For 13 years, he wanked with his cock pointing straight at Orion's Belt(or somewhere below it).He had lost all hope.....and semen.....when he suddenly beheld a shining disc descend directly above him and beam him up.He was then subjected to rigorous probing by G(r)ay aliens and Fox Mulder , who proceeded to document it and make the Academy award winning legendary reality show called "The SeX-Files".
[[image:I84median.jpg‎|right|frame|200px|Oooh! Look at that pretty concrete median, shiny light fixtures and freshly paved roadway. Gee, let's eliminate two lanes in each direction and dig the fucker up again!!]]
 
The rest of Connecticut and Rhode Island is a tangled mess of ghettos and semi-wealthy neighborhoods. Properties are mostly strewn with used appliances and junked cars, discarded in plain sight. Don't let the postcards and magazine pictures fool you, it's an ugly place to live. Unseen in most scenic photos are the hidden landfills lurking behind every tree. The highway systems are a complete joke, with perpetual major construction projects clogging the downtown of every major city. A recent construction project just outside of Waterbury on Interstate 84, which lasted years and tested the nerves of many commuters, had to be completely ripped back open because nobody bothered to check and see if the storm drains were actually connected and working before completely paving the roadway. They made a nice concrete median with storm drains every 100 yards on each side of the highway but underneath the metal grates there's nothing but an unfinished hole in the ground which leads nowhere.
 
   
People from all areas of New England have a bad habit of moving to other parts of the country and insist that they "know how to drive in bad weather", unlike people in their new location, but the sad truth is they're absolutely full of shit and drive like [[sissy|sissies]] the minute a drop of water hits the road. Southern New England, however, happens to be the area where most of them have relocated from. I wonder why?
 
   
Despite the [[Puritan]] facade that a Southern New England resident likes to promote, their elected officials have more sex and money scandals than can possibly be documented in this space. Whether having sex with small children or getting their vacation homes decked out like disgraced Alaska Senator Ted Stevens, politicians in Connecticut and Rhode Island are far more deviant than their constituency, but not by much.
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The G(r)ays then brought in Justin Bieber , whom they had similarly abducted and forced the Jap to give him a blowjob.Next,they tried to extract and harvest sperm from the Jap , but were infuriated when they couldn't even find a drop,so they inseminated him with a random Nigga's sperm as well as Britney Spears' eggs.....then they merged him with reptilian and insectoid DNA.....then they placed the mojo of Hitler’s Mini-Me clone in his foetus,and finally he conceived a hybrid spawn within 2 days and that became THE VERY FIRST ENGLISHMAN.
   
Southern New England is also a well-known baseball war zone where New York Yankees fans and Boston Red Sox fans territory overlaps. People from other parts of the country and world be forewarned, do not become entangled in the vicious egotistic battles between Yankee and Red Sox fans, no matter how hard they try to make you choose a side.
 
   
The areas surrounding and making up Cape Cod have been know since [[vietnam|back in 'nam]] to be bustling, overcrowded, tourist-infested rich people havens that contain an unusual abundance of [[witch|wiccans]] and ice cream shops.
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There you have it , every race around the world has its very own "Creation Mythology" , so why not give the Brits one too?
   
=Central New England=
 
[[Image:Albany_91_930429.jpg|left|200px]]
 
The state of Massachusetts encompasses Central New England, with Boston being it's sole major metropolis. Despite a few blighted areas, the state of Massachusetts if far more tidy than their unruly neighbors to the south. While used appliances and junked cars are mostly disposed of properly, Massachusetts is better known for it's numerous, ugly, abandoned brick buildings and factories leftover from the 1800's. Out in the boondocks, Churches outnumber businesses by a margin of 2:1, another relic of a bygone era. As a state, Massachusetts is one of the more liberal areas of the country, recognizing [[gay marriage]] and reducing minor possession of [[Marijuana]] to a mere citation.
 
 
==Boston==
 
===The Accent===
 
[[image:Quimby.jpg|right|150px]]‎
 
[[image:Ted_kennedy.jpg‎‎|right|150px]]
 
Have you ever wondered where that obnoxious Bostonian accent came from? Have you ever noticed how everyone in the Kennedy clan has a complete mastery of the accent? That's because the style of speech which is practiced by these people is genetic in origin. The Kennedy boys have been working like rabbits to spread their seed throughout Massachusetts for decades, is it any wonder that everyone talks funny?
 
The Bostonian [[accent]] has many flavors but the one underlying theme is the inability to pronounce the letter "R" at the end of any word.
 
   
Examples:
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== Procreation of the First Brits ==
   
A Bostonian can say the following words like everyone else who understands the English language.
 
   
*Rack
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The first Brit , and the most awkward and geeky of his kind , immediately raped Psy after watching an Opera Gangnam Strip club scene.What the Brit could never have fathomed was that Psy had been raped by hundreds of other celebrities , including the likes of Michael Jackson,John Xena,Miley Cyrus,Lindsay Lohan,Jessica Simpson,Mike Myers,Steven "Seagull",Mike Myers,"Flava-Flav",Morgan Freenigger,Andy "Gollum" Serkis,Tony Jaa and Justin Bieber(well,duh....)
*Rock
 
*Rip
 
*Reach
 
   
A Bostonian is incapable of pronouncing the following words correctly
 
   
*Car (sounds like "caah")
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Psy's offspring then had genetic traits of all the aforementioned and was,coincidentally,female.So the Brit,incest bastard that he was(aren't they all?)raped his own daughter,who bore him 3 abominations of indeterminable gender and thus became the progenitor of a race of HYBRID ALIEN SATANIC NEPHILIM TROLLSPAWN BIOCURIOUS MIDGET WANKERS , more simply known as "BRITS".
*Far (sounds like "faah")
 
*Par (sounds like "paah")
 
*Jar (sounds like "jaah")
 
   
Notice the obvious difference? A Bostonian is incapable of pronouncing the letter "R" at the end of a word but is perfectly capable of pronouncing the letter "R" in words that begin with it.
 
   
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== British Heroes Of The Middle Ages ==
   
===The Boston Red Sox===
 
[[image:Redsox.jpg‎|left|200px]]‎
 
[[image:Large_red_sox_yankees_fight.jpg‎|right|280px]]
 
The Boston Red Sox are the only [[Major League Baseball]] team in New England.
 
Unlike fans of the evil Yankee empire of bloated free-agent salaries, Red Sox fans have formed a solid yet dysfunctional bond with the team based on 100 years of [[mediocre]] baseball before recent successes. Red Sox fans are indoctrinated at an early age, learning how to extend their middle finger by age 3 and learning to use this gesture at appropriate times by age 5. Recent successes of the Red Sox, combined with the recent failures of the Yankees, has created a more bold fanatic, ready for violence at the slightest provocation. Even the Red Sox players have suddenly become prone to eruptions of violence, especially when it's directed at helplessly old and fat Yankee coaches. The sight of a muscular athlete hurling a pasty white senior to the turf is what Yankees versus Red Sox baseball is all about.
 
==Everywhere Else==
 
   
===Cape Cod===
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The Original Brit then planned to mate with his own offspring, in order to further strengthen his genetic bloodline.However,they got wind of his plans and escaped.Oh yeah,right,I forgot tell you their names.They were Merlin,Guinivere and Napoleon.Despite being lesbian,Guinivere consented to have sex with Napoleon as long as he let Merlin live with them.Guinivere had a fine son named Arthur,who rose up against his tyrannical father and exiled him out of England.Napoleon then plotted to return to power and have his vengeance by creating his own race of Frenchmen through raping Bullfrogs-hence the name "Froggies".
[[Image:Capecod.png|center|700px]]
 
For six months a year, [[Cape Cod]] is the destination for hordes of rich bastards who prance exclusively on the most pristine beaches in all of New England. In the springtime, spoiled white-collar Napoleons spend most of their time at the office bragging to each other about how extravagant their summer vacation in Cape Cod will be. As soon as warmer temperatures return to New England, roadways are packed with [[wealthy]] [[pilgrims]] headed to the Cape. Road rage incidents are common as these highly competitive sociopaths flex their sense of entitlement while hurling insults and lobsters at each other on gridlocked roads and highways.
 
   
'''Tips For The Poor:''' If you can't afford to stay multiple weeks in astronomically priced vacation homes, don't bother attempting to visit Cape Cod in the summer. During the winter months, you are free to explore the natural beauty of Cape Cod as the area is mostly abandoned. If you sit in your car and crank the heat up, you can even pretend that it's summertime and you're ready to enjoy a leisurely swim on your own private beach.
 
   
===Foxboro===
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With no one to stop him ,Arthur raped his own mother and formally married her.She begot a son who was forevermore remembered as Saint George of the Jungle.Legend tells of his exploits,which involved travelling to Egypt and usurping King Tut's throne by making it appear as though a dragon was terrorising the city,although new forensic evidence has brought to light the shocking revelation that he was in cahoots with the dragon(Just watch "Dragonheart",you dumbass).He then became Pope and sent some drunken Irishmen to his father Arthur,telling him what a swell idea it would be to have his own little men's club called the Knights of the Round Table.Saint George lived the rest of his years in peace,except for the occasional crusades that aimed to obliterate all Muslim-kind,as Merlin had foreseen the future and had realized the threat of terrorism in the distant years and more importantly how two lesbian Pakistani bitches would be bethroted in London and bring eternal humiliation to Britian.However,his legacy lived on forever in the Illuminati,who knew his extraterrestrial origins and guarded his secrets with their lives, ever-awaiting the return of their otherworldly ancestors.....
[[image:New-englandJesus.jpg‎|center|600px]]
 
[[image:Pat_patriot_small.gif‎|right|200px]]
 
Foxboro is the home of New England's only [[National Football League]] team, the [[Patriots]]. Before recently dominating the NFL, the Patriots sported a logo showing a bent-over Minuteman grimacing, which also serves as a fair assessment of the franchises level of success before the year 2000. The only previous highlight for the team was a 1985 [[Super Bowl]] appearance where they were completely humiliated by the Chicago Bears. In 2007, the Patriots recorded only the second undefeated regular season record in NFL history but failed to win their Super Bowl appearance against the New York Giants, forever leaving the Miami Dolphins alone in the history books as the only team to complete an undefeated season. Unable to accept 2nd place in the history books, Patriot fans have consumed themselves with a messianic victimization complex that constitutes either blasphemy or idolatry but comprehension of religious and philosophical contradictions has never been popular in New England.
 
   
=Northern New England=
 
[[image:Newhart2.jpg‎|right|250px]]
 
[[Image:MaineDelegate400.jpg|right|250px]]
 
   
Every Autumn in Northern New England, the leaves on the many deciduous trees change into unnecessarily vibrant colors and proceed to have sex with everyone's cone cells. Oh no, it's not rape, because you enjoy it. You know you do.
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Meanwhile,Arthur and Merlin conspired and planned to conquer the world,starting with the rest of Europe.The English,who had multiplied faster than fruit-flies due to inbreeding,assembled a mighty army and conquered Scotland.They won primarily due to their longbows,which were fashioned from the wood of yew trees and strung together by their pubic hair.Constant and irksome rebellions arose,led by William Wallace aka Mel Gibson aka Chuck Norris aka ME.One accurate account describes Arthur and his queer consort Lancelot watching on helplessly while William Wallace brutally rapes his son Longshanks' wife,who then gave birth to a bastard son Edwand Longshanks,who in turn had a faggot named General Cornwallis(affectionately nicknamed Ol'Corny by the Yanks) who expanded the British rule to many parts of Europe,India,America,Australia,even to the far reaches of Africa.Cornwallis faced an unexpected crisis in India when he had a scandal that involved him giving a half-naked,bald old man named Gandhi a blowjob.He was kicked out of India,along with all the other Brits,which led to the country's liberation.He faced a similar humiliation in America when he lost the war due to contracting AIDS after raping Aperaham Lincoln(And they say AIDS came from MONKEYS >.> )
Oh, and 85% of the population has a serious addiction to maple syrup, but only 4% of them actually go to rehabilitation. It really shows the respectability of the people, doesn't it?
 
   
'''Vermont and New Hampshire:''' Life in the rural north can pretty much be summed up by watching reruns of the "Newhart" show on television, which depicts the daily life of a Vermont Innkeeper. Bob Newhart plays the little rich bastard from out-of-state who's living his dream of moving to Vermont and running a bed and breakfast. Naturally, he has a spouse that is way too sexy to make for a believable couple and the thought of them having sex with each other brings horrible images to one's mind. Native northerners are accurately represented by Tom Poston as the developmentally disabled handyman and William Sanderson as Larry, with his inbred pair of brothers who both happen to be named Darrell. One expects that Dudley Do-Right of the [[Royal Canadian Mounted Police]] should be bursting through the door at any minute, perhaps serving an arrest warrant on one of the brothers.
 
   
Vermont and New Hampshire are popular tourist attractions in the fall, as people who are too poor to vacation on Cape Cod drive up north to look at the leaves change color. These people are called "leafers" or "leafpeepers" by the local population, who are continuously torn between hating them as unwelcome intruders and making a living off their [[tourist]] dollars.Often, local residents choose to do both.These "leafers" park in the breakdown lane on the highway and leave their cars to get stolen or hit while they jump over the gaurd rail and stare at the trees for enless hours to watch the trees die.
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However,the Brits had set up a decent number of colonies throughout Africa,and they planned to gather more power to slowly "colonialise" Earth and make way for the arrival of their true alien forefathers.Fortunately for the human race,they got their butts kicked all the rest of the way and had to settle for a bunch of crappy provinces called the United Kingdom.Having no remaining choice,they feigned peace with the human race by speaking in over-polite accents and gradually convincing the rest of the world to adopt English as the common tongue..."''IF YOU CAN'T CONQUER 'EM , CORRUPT 'EM'' !"
Local industry is fairly limited to bed and breakfast operations and the production of vast quantities of cheese and maple syrup.
 
   
The capital city of Vermont is Montpelier but nobody would be surprised if you didn't know that. Montpelier is unrecognizable as a capital city of the United States Of America, looking more like a small town in the 1950's.
 
   
'''Maine:''' The caricature on the right pretty much tells you almost anything you really need to know about life in Maine, obscure politicians that nobody has ever heard of, lighthouses and the occasional Moose. Well north of the normal border with [[Canada]], residents of Maine should be considered Canadians. While natural beauty abounds in the state of Maine there's really not much else up there, so permanent residence in it's harsh climate and persistent man-eating black fly populations should only be attempted by hermits and survivalists. They also have a gross drink called Moxie. It's basically root beer, which is sweet and bitter, if you took out all the sweet and just replaced it with more bitter.
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TRUST NO ONE…….Well,especially not an Englishman.
   
[[Category:Regions of the United States]]
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[[Category:American culture]]
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== Covert Cover-ups And Hidden Political Agendas ==
[[Category:British Overseas Territories and Crown Dependencies]]
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To this day no one can imagine what made mankind choose the language of some alien filth who can't bear saying "mom" instead of "mum" and "butt" instead of "bottom".And what sort of fag would pronounce the word Blimey as "Bloy-me"?Really,it beats me.It defies all HUMAN understanding.Apart from having sluts like Margaret Thatcher as Prime Ministers,it comes as no surprise that their ministers are also gays who have come out of the closet and gotten involved in notorious sex scandals.Believe it or not,the Brits have somehow managed to infiltrate each and every covert government group,and are responsible for all the cover-ups and shady operations involving UFO activity and physical evidence of Extraterrestial Intelligence.They seek to keep humans in the dark so as to take us by surprise when the aliens come to take over this planet and destroy all life as we know it.Never put your faith in the FBI(Flatulent British Ingrates) or SETI(Sexually Enhanced Troll Irishmen),because they…
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'''“DENY EVERYTHING”'''
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== Entertainment In England ==
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The English film industry’s pathetic attempt at producing horror films has been chronicled throughout the millennia.Ranging from gaylien vampire crap like Lifeforece to zombie flops like 28 days later , 28 weeks later,28 years later,28 centuries later,28 millenia later(with real cyborg zombies) and the ever-popular “Shaun of the dead”.A film called ”Attack the block” is also a must-see for all of you who know that Brits aren’t of this realm and may summon demons from the cosmos merely to make Beckham shit his pants while being butt-raped by Gerard.
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Are we alone in this Universe....?The answer’s no and the Brits are living proof of it….Recent evidence has proven that the Greek Geek from Ancient Aliens is actually just a British immigrant with a fake & gay hairdo.
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'''I WANT TO BELIEVE'''
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== Culture ==
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England has a "<nowiki>queer</nowiki> free society" where Brits of all three sexes may intermingle and procreate.Being highly Democratic in contrast to the Republic of Ireland,England's social norms and cultural etiquette put a great deal of stress and sexual frustration on its people,which eventually leads to mid-life crisis,homicidal tendencies,coming out of the closet and so on.Gay marriage is strongly encouraged and immensely popular(Unless you're a Prime Minister)among hormonal teens and 56-year olds,but lesbians are burned at stake....a custom which made England infamous throughout the Medieval Dark Ages.To this day,[[masturbation]] in England is considered a criminal offence punishable by death.Or worse,castration.This is England,mate.Love it or Leave it.
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== World Domination Campaign ==
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As you all know,the Black Death ravaged across Europe in the Middle Ages,killing millions.The Bubonic plague,as it was officially known,was the result of direct contact with escaped lab rats who had been used as test subjects and injected with a genetically-engineered alien virus,created for the sole purpose of leaving human civilisation crippled.Unlike Japs,Brits are rather easy to kill,partly because they don't have the ability to spontaneously regenerate lost limbs and shoot telekinetic laser beams from their eyes.The problem with Brits is.....they don't STAY dead.They either return from the grave with a vengeance to haunt the living,or they become Revenants.When Merlin got his depraved hands on the Necronomicon,he used its power to raise a vast undead legion of Englishmen,against whom no mortal army could ever hope to prevail.He even went on to summon a host of netherworldly monsters,the likes of which would make you shit your pants in bed and snuggle up to your mom,while you're sleeping with her.Undead orcs,undead trolls,undead Vikings,undead Indians,undead ninjas,undead Injas and other nightmarish creatures of the night.Eternal destruction was nigh for mankind.....but fate had other plans,for on that day Ash came to the rescue with an unstoppable army of Pocket Monsters who gave Merlin's army an ass-whuppin' and sent them crawling back to their holes.And on that day,all was well and mankind prevailed,all thanks those little Poke-Porn stars.....
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"''GOTTA FUCK 'EM ALL,POKE-PORN !!!''"
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The Brits' most recent but failed attempt at world domination was hiring a whore named J.K Rowling to pervert the minds of children with her novels of Harry Potty and his escapades in Hogfarts School of Bitchcraft and Faggotry.It was a global mind-control tactic that made kids turn on their elders(kinda like "Children of the Corn",only this was all about porn instead).It was a nefarious scheme aimed to systematically divide and conquer mankind by brainwashing kids and convincing them that all Englishmen were of pure blood and lineage and that everyone else was a "Mudblood" or Mugger or whatever and that it was their sacred duty to slaughter them through genocide.If the Brits had their way,all the children would have butchered their own parents and then turned on each other,finally killing each other off and leaving Earth in the hands of the Brits.....However,when Dumbledore was finally revealed to be a fairy and the movies ended despite attempts to prolong them by making the last one a two-part film,the Harry Potty craze ended and all the children turned on the Brits instead,demanding more!A plan that completely backfired and yet another failed attempt at taking over Earth!Suck on that,Brits.
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And what of the Original Brit???That SOB who started it all?!
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Being the first of his kind,he bears the blessing/curse of immortality.It is rumoured that the only weapon that can do him any harm is the fabled sword Excalibur,forged in the fires of Mordor and tempered in the sperm of a thousand trolls,aye,the very same legendary blade that was used to slay the Hydra,Leviathan,Bigfoot,Nessie,Snooki,The Big Show and so on.And as for his identity,he has used countless names over the ages,but you'll know him more popularly as Mr.Bean......
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== Religion ==
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A trait unique to all Englishmen is their piety.Noboody's atheist-that's the beauty of England.All Brits believe in some form of higher power.The percentages of worshippers are as listed below:
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32% Brits are devout followers of Hinduism and are Spiritual Sex-Slaves of the one and only Mahatma Gandhi.Through him,they aspire to attain the ultimate level of enlightment and sexual salvation by castrating themselves to expiate all desires of the mortal flesh.Little do they know that Gandhi is none other than the reincarnation of Gollum......
  +
  +
  +
15% Brits worship Satan and other dark powers.These Brits appear normal and even more polite than usual Brits,always good-natured smiling chaps,but you'll soon notice odd stuff like manicured lawns in the shape of the Pentagram and an Oujja board along with their Lego and Scrabble.
  +
  +
  +
21% Brits worship their namesake Britney Spears and masturbate ritualistically while listening to her pathetic rhapsody"I think I did it again".
  +
  +
  +
49% Brits engage in rigorous alien worship , where they create their own crop-circles in open fields and light bonfires while screaming for their creators,the G(r)ay aliens, to return.Brits who pray to extraterrestrial beings for deliverance are classified into two main religious sects:-
  +
  +
The Raelist Catholic Church,who firmly believe that all Gods are Aliens but not all Aliens are Gods.
  +
  +
The Raelist Protestant Church,who firmly believe that all Aliens are Gods,but not all Gods are Aliens.
  +
  +
Other minority Raelist cults include the Raelist Orthodox,Raelist Dominican,Raelist Republic,Raelist Communists and Raelist Marxists,who are baptised throught the holy communion of alien buttsex.The Pope of Is'''rael''' has been known to excommunicate any infidel who commits blasphemy by denying the existence of extraterrestrial life.Many a valiant English knight has sought out the Holy Grael in an intergalactic quest that ultimately claimed his life.
  +
  +
Thanks to Raelism,Brits have begun to clone themselves using alien biogenetics and it's only a matter of time before they overrun and take over our planet by sheer strength in numbers!!!
  +
  +
  +
18% Brits worship Stephen Hawking,due to his awkwardness and overall geekiness,which are admirable traits in any self-respecting Englishman.
  +
  +
  +
25% Brits worship Dalai Lama,famed and renowned throughout the Universe for being the founder of the Adult Film Industry. Need I go into the specifics?
  +
  +
What?!The total percentage adds up to more than a hundred?
  +
  +
Well,that's not hard to explain.The fact of the matter is,even as you're reading this,more Brits are being spawned through genetic cloning and Inbreeding.Why,even before you could say "Tinder and Flint" , there are precisely 666 more Brits being extracted from the DNA Cloning chambers,ready to make this world a worse place to live in.
  +
  +
  +
== Hauntings In England ==
  +
  +
  +
England is undisputedly the most haunted country on Earth...ever wondered how or why England is so famous for paranormal hot spots?
  +
  +
Brits,being neither human nor quite alien,but instead a bizarre misbegotten hybrid of both,have a supernatural dilemna after they die.Unlike Japs,Brits DO have a soul,well,if you call it that anyway.So then,where do these mutant aberrations go after they die???NOWHERE-They never leave this plane to begin with!Neither Heaven nor Hell wants them because they weren't meant to be...and they just don't fit in anywhere.Thus,Brits are condemned to an existence of eternal Purgaytory after they die and are compelled to co-exist with the living while having a swell time haunting the crap of foreign kids and tourists who have a thing for creepy old gothic mansions.It is widely believed that the deceased far outnumber the living in England,aye,and with good reason too.
  +
  +
  +
== Racial Features ==
  +
  +
  +
The Good People of England have numerous genetic deformities such as overlong drooping faces,high cheekbones,hooked beak-like noses,uni-brows,copious growths of hair at the sides of their faces and yeah, NO NECKS.This had been the subject of much intellectual debate among scholars over the decades until it was revealed that these were merely the side-effects of their nation-wide inbreeding program.
  +
  +
England's military during the middle ages consisted of longbowmen,billmen and knights whom everyone ridiculed due to the dank , hollow sound they made by farting in their own armour.
  +
  +
Beverages exclusive to England include Butterbeer,Firewhisky,Hog's mead,Hop-Scotch,Dale ale,Fag-gin,rum,cum and stale putrid golden piss.
  +
  +
  +
Anyway, let me get to the point :
  +
  +
  +
I've been through dimensions and realms killing anything that seems even remotely English ( Better not try to act smart with your fucking English accent >:D ) and now I've set my sights on Earth.I'll slay any and every Englishman who crosses my path.That's just how I roll...or troll , whatever , WHO GIVES A FUCK ANYWAY?!
  +
  +
  +
There isn't a single Brit on the face of the Earth who can stand up to my might!!!!!!!

Revision as of 21:17, June 28, 2013

"A Brit is full of shit"-Captain Obvious on Brits

"Great Britain is a barmy backwater whorehouse and its folk are queer gits.Wait.....I'm a Brit?!"-Oscar Wilde to Captain Obvious

"God shave the Queen!"-Sean Connery on the Queen's biocuriosity

"Spare me,milord!I'm just a queer Cornishman with a lousy Cockney accent....I ain't a real Brit!!!"-Romartus the Impersonator on being cornered by The Brit-Slayer

"Let's make love,Monsieur"-Napoleon to Winston Churchill

"Y-Y-o-ou wi-i-il p-pay fo-o-r thi-is t-t-tra-rav-e-e-st-y!!!"-King George VI to Chuck Norris on getting a wedgie

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!"-Mr.Bean on Himself

Brits are extraterrestrial yet inferior Scotsmen/Irishmen/Frenchies/Mexicans/Pakistanis/Indians/Iraqis/Iranians/Japs/Chinks/Koreans/Somalians/Nigerians/Zulus who were genetically-enginneered and artificially created as a part of a hybridisation program by G(r)ay aliens to take over Earth and begin anew the colonialisation of this realm.


THE ORIGIN OF ENGLAND AND IT'S PEOPLE : GENESIS OF THE BRITS

All Brits are the demonic offspring of the incest inbreeding between "G(r)ay" Aliens and Hitler's Bitch......


So you wanna know how such vile alien scum is living right among us , masquerading as over-polite,goody little two-shoes,Oxford-educated,tea-sipping,seemingly innocuous bastards?Well then.....THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE!


It all started when a random Jap Yaoi fanboy watched Ancient Aliens and decided to "Reach out to our celestial brethren".........


For 13 years, he wanked with his cock pointing straight at Orion's Belt(or somewhere below it).He had lost all hope.....and semen.....when he suddenly beheld a shining disc descend directly above him and beam him up.He was then subjected to rigorous probing by G(r)ay aliens and Fox Mulder , who proceeded to document it and make the Academy award winning legendary reality show called "The SeX-Files".


The G(r)ays then brought in Justin Bieber , whom they had similarly abducted and forced the Jap to give him a blowjob.Next,they tried to extract and harvest sperm from the Jap , but were infuriated when they couldn't even find a drop,so they inseminated him with a random Nigga's sperm as well as Britney Spears' eggs.....then they merged him with reptilian and insectoid DNA.....then they placed the mojo of Hitler’s Mini-Me clone in his foetus,and finally he conceived a hybrid spawn within 2 days and that became THE VERY FIRST ENGLISHMAN.


There you have it , every race around the world has its very own "Creation Mythology" , so why not give the Brits one too?


Procreation of the First Brits

The first Brit , and the most awkward and geeky of his kind , immediately raped Psy after watching an Opera Gangnam Strip club scene.What the Brit could never have fathomed was that Psy had been raped by hundreds of other celebrities , including the likes of Michael Jackson,John Xena,Miley Cyrus,Lindsay Lohan,Jessica Simpson,Mike Myers,Steven "Seagull",Mike Myers,"Flava-Flav",Morgan Freenigger,Andy "Gollum" Serkis,Tony Jaa and Justin Bieber(well,duh....)


Psy's offspring then had genetic traits of all the aforementioned and was,coincidentally,female.So the Brit,incest bastard that he was(aren't they all?)raped his own daughter,who bore him 3 abominations of indeterminable gender and thus became the progenitor of a race of HYBRID ALIEN SATANIC NEPHILIM TROLLSPAWN BIOCURIOUS MIDGET WANKERS , more simply known as "BRITS".


British Heroes Of The Middle Ages

The Original Brit then planned to mate with his own offspring, in order to further strengthen his genetic bloodline.However,they got wind of his plans and escaped.Oh yeah,right,I forgot tell you their names.They were Merlin,Guinivere and Napoleon.Despite being lesbian,Guinivere consented to have sex with Napoleon as long as he let Merlin live with them.Guinivere had a fine son named Arthur,who rose up against his tyrannical father and exiled him out of England.Napoleon then plotted to return to power and have his vengeance by creating his own race of Frenchmen through raping Bullfrogs-hence the name "Froggies".


With no one to stop him ,Arthur raped his own mother and formally married her.She begot a son who was forevermore remembered as Saint George of the Jungle.Legend tells of his exploits,which involved travelling to Egypt and usurping King Tut's throne by making it appear as though a dragon was terrorising the city,although new forensic evidence has brought to light the shocking revelation that he was in cahoots with the dragon(Just watch "Dragonheart",you dumbass).He then became Pope and sent some drunken Irishmen to his father Arthur,telling him what a swell idea it would be to have his own little men's club called the Knights of the Round Table.Saint George lived the rest of his years in peace,except for the occasional crusades that aimed to obliterate all Muslim-kind,as Merlin had foreseen the future and had realized the threat of terrorism in the distant years and more importantly how two lesbian Pakistani bitches would be bethroted in London and bring eternal humiliation to Britian.However,his legacy lived on forever in the Illuminati,who knew his extraterrestrial origins and guarded his secrets with their lives, ever-awaiting the return of their otherworldly ancestors.....


Meanwhile,Arthur and Merlin conspired and planned to conquer the world,starting with the rest of Europe.The English,who had multiplied faster than fruit-flies due to inbreeding,assembled a mighty army and conquered Scotland.They won primarily due to their longbows,which were fashioned from the wood of yew trees and strung together by their pubic hair.Constant and irksome rebellions arose,led by William Wallace aka Mel Gibson aka Chuck Norris aka ME.One accurate account describes Arthur and his queer consort Lancelot watching on helplessly while William Wallace brutally rapes his son Longshanks' wife,who then gave birth to a bastard son Edwand Longshanks,who in turn had a faggot named General Cornwallis(affectionately nicknamed Ol'Corny by the Yanks) who expanded the British rule to many parts of Europe,India,America,Australia,even to the far reaches of Africa.Cornwallis faced an unexpected crisis in India when he had a scandal that involved him giving a half-naked,bald old man named Gandhi a blowjob.He was kicked out of India,along with all the other Brits,which led to the country's liberation.He faced a similar humiliation in America when he lost the war due to contracting AIDS after raping Aperaham Lincoln(And they say AIDS came from MONKEYS >.> )


However,the Brits had set up a decent number of colonies throughout Africa,and they planned to gather more power to slowly "colonialise" Earth and make way for the arrival of their true alien forefathers.Fortunately for the human race,they got their butts kicked all the rest of the way and had to settle for a bunch of crappy provinces called the United Kingdom.Having no remaining choice,they feigned peace with the human race by speaking in over-polite accents and gradually convincing the rest of the world to adopt English as the common tongue..."IF YOU CAN'T CONQUER 'EM , CORRUPT 'EM !"


TRUST NO ONE…….Well,especially not an Englishman.


Covert Cover-ups And Hidden Political Agendas

To this day no one can imagine what made mankind choose the language of some alien filth who can't bear saying "mom" instead of "mum" and "butt" instead of "bottom".And what sort of fag would pronounce the word Blimey as "Bloy-me"?Really,it beats me.It defies all HUMAN understanding.Apart from having sluts like Margaret Thatcher as Prime Ministers,it comes as no surprise that their ministers are also gays who have come out of the closet and gotten involved in notorious sex scandals.Believe it or not,the Brits have somehow managed to infiltrate each and every covert government group,and are responsible for all the cover-ups and shady operations involving UFO activity and physical evidence of Extraterrestial Intelligence.They seek to keep humans in the dark so as to take us by surprise when the aliens come to take over this planet and destroy all life as we know it.Never put your faith in the FBI(Flatulent British Ingrates) or SETI(Sexually Enhanced Troll Irishmen),because they…

                                               “DENY EVERYTHING”


Entertainment In England

The English film industry’s pathetic attempt at producing horror films has been chronicled throughout the millennia.Ranging from gaylien vampire crap like Lifeforece to zombie flops like 28 days later , 28 weeks later,28 years later,28 centuries later,28 millenia later(with real cyborg zombies) and the ever-popular “Shaun of the dead”.A film called ”Attack the block” is also a must-see for all of you who know that Brits aren’t of this realm and may summon demons from the cosmos merely to make Beckham shit his pants while being butt-raped by Gerard.

Are we alone in this Universe....?The answer’s no and the Brits are living proof of it….Recent evidence has proven that the Greek Geek from Ancient Aliens is actually just a British immigrant with a fake & gay hairdo.


                                            I WANT TO BELIEVE


Culture

England has a "queer free society" where Brits of all three sexes may intermingle and procreate.Being highly Democratic in contrast to the Republic of Ireland,England's social norms and cultural etiquette put a great deal of stress and sexual frustration on its people,which eventually leads to mid-life crisis,homicidal tendencies,coming out of the closet and so on.Gay marriage is strongly encouraged and immensely popular(Unless you're a Prime Minister)among hormonal teens and 56-year olds,but lesbians are burned at stake....a custom which made England infamous throughout the Medieval Dark Ages.To this day,masturbation in England is considered a criminal offence punishable by death.Or worse,castration.This is England,mate.Love it or Leave it.


World Domination Campaign

As you all know,the Black Death ravaged across Europe in the Middle Ages,killing millions.The Bubonic plague,as it was officially known,was the result of direct contact with escaped lab rats who had been used as test subjects and injected with a genetically-engineered alien virus,created for the sole purpose of leaving human civilisation crippled.Unlike Japs,Brits are rather easy to kill,partly because they don't have the ability to spontaneously regenerate lost limbs and shoot telekinetic laser beams from their eyes.The problem with Brits is.....they don't STAY dead.They either return from the grave with a vengeance to haunt the living,or they become Revenants.When Merlin got his depraved hands on the Necronomicon,he used its power to raise a vast undead legion of Englishmen,against whom no mortal army could ever hope to prevail.He even went on to summon a host of netherworldly monsters,the likes of which would make you shit your pants in bed and snuggle up to your mom,while you're sleeping with her.Undead orcs,undead trolls,undead Vikings,undead Indians,undead ninjas,undead Injas and other nightmarish creatures of the night.Eternal destruction was nigh for mankind.....but fate had other plans,for on that day Ash came to the rescue with an unstoppable army of Pocket Monsters who gave Merlin's army an ass-whuppin' and sent them crawling back to their holes.And on that day,all was well and mankind prevailed,all thanks those little Poke-Porn stars.....

                                  "GOTTA FUCK 'EM ALL,POKE-PORN !!!"


The Brits' most recent but failed attempt at world domination was hiring a whore named J.K Rowling to pervert the minds of children with her novels of Harry Potty and his escapades in Hogfarts School of Bitchcraft and Faggotry.It was a global mind-control tactic that made kids turn on their elders(kinda like "Children of the Corn",only this was all about porn instead).It was a nefarious scheme aimed to systematically divide and conquer mankind by brainwashing kids and convincing them that all Englishmen were of pure blood and lineage and that everyone else was a "Mudblood" or Mugger or whatever and that it was their sacred duty to slaughter them through genocide.If the Brits had their way,all the children would have butchered their own parents and then turned on each other,finally killing each other off and leaving Earth in the hands of the Brits.....However,when Dumbledore was finally revealed to be a fairy and the movies ended despite attempts to prolong them by making the last one a two-part film,the Harry Potty craze ended and all the children turned on the Brits instead,demanding more!A plan that completely backfired and yet another failed attempt at taking over Earth!Suck on that,Brits.


And what of the Original Brit???That SOB who started it all?!


Being the first of his kind,he bears the blessing/curse of immortality.It is rumoured that the only weapon that can do him any harm is the fabled sword Excalibur,forged in the fires of Mordor and tempered in the sperm of a thousand trolls,aye,the very same legendary blade that was used to slay the Hydra,Leviathan,Bigfoot,Nessie,Snooki,The Big Show and so on.And as for his identity,he has used countless names over the ages,but you'll know him more popularly as Mr.Bean......


Religion

A trait unique to all Englishmen is their piety.Noboody's atheist-that's the beauty of England.All Brits believe in some form of higher power.The percentages of worshippers are as listed below:


32% Brits are devout followers of Hinduism and are Spiritual Sex-Slaves of the one and only Mahatma Gandhi.Through him,they aspire to attain the ultimate level of enlightment and sexual salvation by castrating themselves to expiate all desires of the mortal flesh.Little do they know that Gandhi is none other than the reincarnation of Gollum......


15% Brits worship Satan and other dark powers.These Brits appear normal and even more polite than usual Brits,always good-natured smiling chaps,but you'll soon notice odd stuff like manicured lawns in the shape of the Pentagram and an Oujja board along with their Lego and Scrabble.


21% Brits worship their namesake Britney Spears and masturbate ritualistically while listening to her pathetic rhapsody"I think I did it again".


49% Brits engage in rigorous alien worship , where they create their own crop-circles in open fields and light bonfires while screaming for their creators,the G(r)ay aliens, to return.Brits who pray to extraterrestrial beings for deliverance are classified into two main religious sects:-

The Raelist Catholic Church,who firmly believe that all Gods are Aliens but not all Aliens are Gods.

The Raelist Protestant Church,who firmly believe that all Aliens are Gods,but not all Gods are Aliens.

Other minority Raelist cults include the Raelist Orthodox,Raelist Dominican,Raelist Republic,Raelist Communists and Raelist Marxists,who are baptised throught the holy communion of alien buttsex.The Pope of Israel has been known to excommunicate any infidel who commits blasphemy by denying the existence of extraterrestrial life.Many a valiant English knight has sought out the Holy Grael in an intergalactic quest that ultimately claimed his life.

Thanks to Raelism,Brits have begun to clone themselves using alien biogenetics and it's only a matter of time before they overrun and take over our planet by sheer strength in numbers!!!


18% Brits worship Stephen Hawking,due to his awkwardness and overall geekiness,which are admirable traits in any self-respecting Englishman.


25% Brits worship Dalai Lama,famed and renowned throughout the Universe for being the founder of the Adult Film Industry. Need I go into the specifics?

What?!The total percentage adds up to more than a hundred?

Well,that's not hard to explain.The fact of the matter is,even as you're reading this,more Brits are being spawned through genetic cloning and Inbreeding.Why,even before you could say "Tinder and Flint" , there are precisely 666 more Brits being extracted from the DNA Cloning chambers,ready to make this world a worse place to live in.


Hauntings In England

England is undisputedly the most haunted country on Earth...ever wondered how or why England is so famous for paranormal hot spots?

Brits,being neither human nor quite alien,but instead a bizarre misbegotten hybrid of both,have a supernatural dilemna after they die.Unlike Japs,Brits DO have a soul,well,if you call it that anyway.So then,where do these mutant aberrations go after they die???NOWHERE-They never leave this plane to begin with!Neither Heaven nor Hell wants them because they weren't meant to be...and they just don't fit in anywhere.Thus,Brits are condemned to an existence of eternal Purgaytory after they die and are compelled to co-exist with the living while having a swell time haunting the crap of foreign kids and tourists who have a thing for creepy old gothic mansions.It is widely believed that the deceased far outnumber the living in England,aye,and with good reason too.


Racial Features

The Good People of England have numerous genetic deformities such as overlong drooping faces,high cheekbones,hooked beak-like noses,uni-brows,copious growths of hair at the sides of their faces and yeah, NO NECKS.This had been the subject of much intellectual debate among scholars over the decades until it was revealed that these were merely the side-effects of their nation-wide inbreeding program.

England's military during the middle ages consisted of longbowmen,billmen and knights whom everyone ridiculed due to the dank , hollow sound they made by farting in their own armour.

Beverages exclusive to England include Butterbeer,Firewhisky,Hog's mead,Hop-Scotch,Dale ale,Fag-gin,rum,cum and stale putrid golden piss.


Anyway, let me get to the point :


I've been through dimensions and realms killing anything that seems even remotely English ( Better not try to act smart with your fucking English accent >:D ) and now I've set my sights on Earth.I'll slay any and every Englishman who crosses my path.That's just how I roll...or troll , whatever , WHO GIVES A FUCK ANYWAY?!


There isn't a single Brit on the face of the Earth who can stand up to my might!!!!!!!

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