Neville the Blue Bear
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“Yeah yeah, pass me the crack. I said pass it bitch! Do you think I enjoy hitting you!?”
“He's your problem now”
“It was difficult re-adjusting but I've found substitutes for my addiction... There's no rehab for raping kids”
Neville the Blue Bear, former Smile! TV star, and one time rap solo artist has been entertaining kids for many years; in more ways than one. Renown for his wacky behaviour and ludicrous antics, this bear became one of the biggest things to hit the UK since N-Dubz, which isn't really an achievement. In early 2008 Nev became the first animal to be involved in pedophilibeastiality (having sex with underage animals) and again in mid 2008, and when it was thought he had got over his fetish, it occurred once again in 2009. His subtle use of language makes grooming children over the internet 'childs play' as he would put it. His powers of suggestion and misdirection are rivalled only by Derren Brown, in ability to sex up kids. Nev was never as successful in making them forget the incidents as Derren was, hence the numerous allegations held against him by nearly every young child's parents in the northern hemisphere. He has never been successfully prosecuted however, largely due to his several million-pound out-of-court settlements for his "suspected" kiddy fiddling (every mother has her price). All non-public allegations towards Nev seemed to have been settled out-of-court, many believe these cases have been dealt with by his Croydon-based crime ring in a very legal and professional manner. Nev was nominated for a MOBO in 2002, but upon losing to Dappy from the not so popular group 'N-Dubz', he jumped on stage during dyslexic Dappy's 3 word acceptance speech, and was quoted to have said:
“Yeah yeah, Dappy, I'm really happy for you, Imma let you finish, but Michael Jackson had one of the best videos of all time. That sex tape was almost as good as two girls one cup”
The dyslexic rapers only response was in the form of a Twitter post stating he was, "furyrous". His Facebook status however, was incomprehensible; but the general feeling is that he was very very upset. Because of this incident the MOBO was stripped from Dappy, also ridding him of the 6 nectar points and free wrigleys gum the award is equivalent to. This whole episode was parodied by Kanye West at the MTV music awards ceremony, during some trashy white girl's acceptance speech. This caused more controversy than Nev's incident because no one really cares about MOBOs or Dappy.
Where Did It All Go Wrong?
Nev started out life working on a TV set with Sooty & Sweep, but with producers suffering from the Credit Crunch, making Nev redundant seemed like the best solution. Sooty is largely believed to be responsible for Nevs addiction to Crack Cocaine, and for beginning his downward spiral into prostitute killing. Popular belief was that both Sooty and Sweep smoked so much Crack they lost their voices and now suffer from mild retardation. Sue the Panda was brought in as a replacement to Nev, so that the audience could understand what the fuck Sooty and Sweep were on about half the time. Sue, kindhearted as they come helped Nev to deal with his addiction, suggesting rehab be the best solution before he began his new career on the Smile! show, where Nev would have to balance out yet another mildly retarded co-host.
During the 2002 post-MOBO-awards party a very drunk Nev decided to hit on Lady GaGa. Nev claimed that while he was making his way to third base he felt something he'd never felt before. Something new and excited. A penis. Nev, in his extremely wasted state tried to tell Lady GaGa's then boyfriend, Mike Tyson of her throbbing member, but Tyson, having none of it, chewed part of Nev's ear off. Mike was sued for cruelty to animals and the money Nev made from the settlement went on a weeks worth of hookers, supplied to him by Sooty.
Nev's sinister love for children was expressed through a video game that was played on the TV show Smile! before complaints that it was too much like Grand Theft Auto but with child prostitutes. The show were forced to change the video game to something more basic, but Smile! still received complaints after Nev laughed and called one viewer playing by phone a, "stupid cunt", for failing to move when approaching a trash can. This was the first time the producers realised that Nev was high while they were on air. It is commonly thought that Crack was the reason why Nev was such a cheeky little shit all the time. Nev ended up auditioning for a job on the hit TV series called, "Men Behaving Badly", but he couldn't handle his alcohol and wasn't considered 'bad' enough. This led to Nev starting a new show called, "Bear Behaving Badly", which Nev was considered much more suited for. The show was pulled from air after only a few weeks because Nev chose the word of the week to be 'feltch'.
In June 2009 Nev came completely off the rails when his puppet master Michael Jackson tragically passed away. His 7 year rehab had pushed him to the edge, his wife had left him and his experience of, "The Weakest Link", had not gained as much money for his charity, "Crack-Addicted-Bear Support", as he'd hoped. Nev had become the centre of the public eye, causing controversy wherever he went; everything from tripping kids on the street to luring them into his sex van. After losing his master, he stopped being able to get away with his sexual abuse and no one has seen him since he became the United Kingdom's most wanted bear.
Nev Appearance on Jeremy Kyle
Left is a picture taken from Nev's celebrity interview with Jeremy Kyle, a popular daytime TV show depicting arguments and DNA results of young chavs that really put the "dole" into "Adolescent". The interview was made famous because for once Jeremy was put in his place when Nev told him that he had anger management issues and that his kids don't love him. This interview rang alarm bells with both Jeremy's producers and Nev's manager, Courtney Love. The interview didn't last long before Jeremy started crying and shouting about how it was his show and Nev was recking it. This show was never aired because Jeremy had it pulled. The interview has been written down however, and the script went as follows:
- Jeremy Hello, welcome to my show, here we have Nev, former Smile! TV presenter and one time rap solo artist. How you doing Nev?
- Nev Yeah yeah, I'm alright Jezza yeah yeah. Just smoked a bowl and I am on it like Sonic
- Jeremy Nev you do realise we'd asked you here today because of your drug addiction?
- Nev It really pisses me off when people say Crack is a drug but they never say someone has a drug addiction when it's cigarettes, they are drugs too! You smoke cigarettes Jezza, you hypocritical tramp so don't give me that.
- Jeremy My cigarette addiction isn't nearly as bad as yours Nev, now come on.
- Nev You know what your problem is!? You were born with a shitty quiff and a forehead like a tombstone, and you still manage to have a God complex. You get angry at those on the dole but at least most of them can control their anger issues, unlike you. Don't tell them to, "put something on the end of it", when a vile human being like yourself needs to do just that. Your inbred offspring disgust me. They don't love you.
In 2007, out of the many newspaper headlines surrounding Nev's life, one that caused both confusion and controversy was:
"Nev, The Bear of Ghanaian Descent: Racist & Rapist?"
The headline accused Nev of racism after he called his Ghanaian cousin, Addae, a, "dirty dirty jeb". While the slang word, "jeb", is not defined as a racist term, it can be considered racist when followed by, "the fucking porch monkey". Nev denied being a racist but his comment of, "I'm not racist you ginger Arab", didn't support his claims.
"Neville The Blue Bear; PG Tips Monkey's Son?"
This headline caused much grief for PG Tips' frontman, "Monkey", who had to explain that while they may look very similar, they are in fact of a different species from eachother, are both male, and neither possess the proper 'equipment' to have sex anyway. This debate was discussed on the reality TV show, Trisha Goddard, which is basically Jeremy Kyle but without finding the families that go on it in the Job Centre. This switch from one TV show to another was largely because of Nev's ban from Jeremy Kyle. The DNA results came back negative, disproving the rumour surrounding Nev's true identity, but this was also when Nev learned he was HIV positive.
"Nev: "I'm not dyslexic you deckhed!""
This article was considered rather controversial at the time, since making fun of Dyslexic people is considered a taboo subject. Nev wanted to sue the newspaper for printing such invasive personal information, but his letter to, Lawyers4U was not taken seriously, since, "I am very unpleased whith the Daley Miror", made it seem like a joke.