From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|Motto: "Unus pro omnibus, omnes pro uno" - We are the Swiss, if that’s all right with you.'|
|Anthem: "God Protect the anonymity of our clients!"|
|Government||Polysemic 1st Level Cashocracy|
|National Hero(es)||Roger Federer|
|Major exports||Chocolate, Cheese and Watches|
|Major imports||Albanians, Turkish, Bank Contracts|
“Wow, a whole country named after me.”
Switzerland also known as Neutralland, is a mountainous region created in the early 13th century in order to contain gold and produce chocolate bars. From this point on, the insatiable Swiss desire for idyll building (idyllification) led to the creation of a nation remarkable for its efficient transport networks, orderly villages and synchronised repetitive yodelling.
At the beginning of time, Switzerland was a small moon orbiting the Earth, populated entirely by cows, sheep, and shepherd dogs; it is now thought to be where those creatures came from in the first place.
After being sent down to Earth, having fallen behind on sky-high rent, Switzerland came to be located south of Germany, bordering France, Italy, Australia and Liechtenstein. Switzerland annexed Czechia in 1990 because the country got too cramped and stuff is cheaper in eastern Europe, although today most Swiss are known to have billions of dollars in the bank.
The Swiss purport to speak French, German, Italian, Latin and Money, although the Germans, Italians, and French all point out they can't speak any of those properly (except for Money). Some claim to speak Romansh too, but they are widely believed to be drunk or stoned. They also run a minor ice hockey league, which imports mostly Canadian talent to do its evil bidding (such as being a kingmaker of Sweden by dethroning the rightful heirs to the hockey throne).
In 1215, the Swiss were threatening to convert the entire global population to their queerly quaint quiet village lifestyle, with lots of vigorous vivacious outdoor exercise and yodelling, and an thoroughly planned superannuation package.
In an unthinkable act of previously unparalleled cooperation between civilized European nations terrified of being bored to death watching paint dry, albeit with a large nest egg, many previously warring countries cooperated to fund the construction of the Alps also known as the The Alpine Construction Project (ACP) in a mostly successful attempt to curb these idyll building efforts.
The Alpine Construction Project (ACP), not to be confused with the Down Hill Project (DHP), one of the largest civil engineering feats in modern history, took only two years to complete. Exactly how the project was completed so rapidly remains shrouded in mystery. Historians agree, however, that there is substantial evidence that either God, MC Hammer, or a Lima-Beans construction branch were involved, if not all three. The Smurfs may also have been used. A recent archaeological dig of the area found only the skulls of Dan Brown's family.
The Alps are one of the few man-made structures that can be seen from space. According to famous historian Franz Hohler, the Alpine Construction Project took place in the Netherlands, while the Swiss were busy farming tulips. But since Switzerland had ski lifts, which are useless in flat country, and the Dutch tended to slip on The Alps with their wooden clogs, Switzerland, and the Netherlands decided to trade the flat country, with the tulips, against the Alps. As part of the deal, the Dutch taught the Swiss how to yodel while the Swiss taught the Dutch how to tiptoe (even in clogs).
edit Swiss Politics
The internal organisation of Switzerland is complex to the unknowing eye. This is because it is also complicated to the knowing eye.
The country is composed of cantons, whose earliest inhabitants were the Cantonese (later to migrate to China). Three cantons united in 1291, then these United with five others in 1336. The first three took a Grütli oath. This is not to be confused with a sneeze, as sneezing cannot be combined with yodelling; it is closer to an expectoration, which with practice can be combined with yodelling. It means "Oath that shall not be broken" - hence the reputation of Switzerland as a producer of quality goods that can stand up to high-volume yodelling and need not be carried on tiptoe. The other cantons joined as they came along. Some of them were created by Napoleon, even though the Swiss are ready to go to great lengths to explain the contrary - such as that the cantons were formed via a needlessly elaborate battle of the fates or, as it is called locally, an "international audit".
Swiss policies are determined by the Swiss people directly through a process known as Vorsprung durch Technik, also called votations, which makes it the only country in the world that practises directly democracy. All Swiss nationals over 18 that drive Porsches are eligible to vote.
The Swiss are extremely proud of their political system, which they claim has not changed since its creation, although in most countries this would render it obsolete. It relies heavily on a magic formula, which by the way has nothing to do with Harry Potter, even though Ms. Rowling is thought to have been inspired to write her books while cutting a piece of chocolate with a Swiss Army Knife and setting her watch by her cuckoo clock.
However, during most political struggles the Swiss mostly decide to do what the Swiss do best: sit back and do nothing, yet clean up the mess (but make a huge profit in doing so).
Switzerland, afraid of people who can write, has recently banned umlauts by popular vote. The Wörld Cöüncïl ön Ümläüts (aka 'Die Ümläüte') was not pleased and said it would protest the decision.
edit Swiss Military History
The easiest way to win a war against the Swiss is to remove all their clocks, or indeed set all their clocks to read a different time. What this will achieve is Confusion. The Swiss are indeed clockwork operated beings. Each section of all Swiss towns is allocated certain times when all inhabitants MUST undertake menial tasks, such as Doing the Laundry. Failure to comply results in death by cessation of chocolate privileges. A war cannot be fought effectively if your alarm clock has not woken you up to wash your clothes before you are needed to fight a battle. And their champions aren't allowed to drive at night from 11:00 pm till 5:00 am. So the army wouldn't know when they could start pushing off the bases and would have to stay. Penalties of not obeying that or other laws in Switzerland are so high that even the army couldn't afford it.
The point in history in which the Swiss were most threatened by invasion was during WWII, when Adolf Hitler threatened to invade the country because it was the only state near Germany he had not yet invaded, it had a funny name, and Bavarians claimed it smelled "funny" (this is the full extent of Bavarian humour). Luckily, the Swiss prevented an imminent German invasion by promising to pay Hitler a tribute 17 tons (including holes) of cheese, 19 tons of chocolate, 200 milk maids, and 17 goats who possessed mustaches similar to Hitler. The Swiss were to pay the tribute every seven months, as long as the Germans stayed at least 39.5 feet (12.0396 metres) from the Swiss border. Hitler gave all the chocolate to his girlfriend, Eva, and allowed the milk maids and goats to run free at his secret hidden lair in the German countryside. Hitler planned on fermenting the cheese and then using it to build a deadly flatulence-based mega bomb to end the War once and for all, but, after an accident that compelled an evacuation of most of the Bavaria, the plans were abandoned. Rumors persist that Switzerland invaded Canada during the 1930s, but the government denies the claims by saying Switzerland has always behaved as a "good little boy." The truth of the matter might be that Canada tried to give them Quebec.
The Swiss army was heavily defeated in Italy in 1515. This inaugurated Switzerland's centuries-long tradition of neutrality, which is another name for a fool-proof tactic to avoid being defeated in the future. The key feature of this tactic is the national flag, which can be waved identically to the right or the left, or apparently both at once if waved fast enough - that is, in "neutral wave" mode, shown above. Then any enemy will be unable to tell whether the Swiss are siding with them or with the other lot, or have just left one guy waving like crazy while the rest have gone to the pub.
The neutrality policy caused the Swiss to refuse to enter the European Union, because even a useless organisation like that might end up implicating them in the world's affairs. They did enter into the United Nations recently, though, at this moment confirming to the extreme sceptic that it was of no use whatsoever except as a means to bolster the economic activity of Geneva, where the UN has a secret underground lair.
A further reason why Switzerland is neutral is that it's part Germany and part France. It adopted a hunger for power from Germany and instant surrendering from France. So it attacked itself and immediately surrendered, thus becoming neutral. No one would attack Switzerland. It is surrounded by narrow passes (one man with a Swiss Army Knife can kill thousands, like in the movie 300.) Unfortunately for the Swiss, the plane has been invented, and the Swiss Air Force is only operational Monday through Friday, regular business hours. Fortunately for them, no government is smart enough to realize this.
Switzerland's neutrality has not prevented it from taking measures to defend itself, and the gold of which it is taking care. Switzerland is the most armed country in the world. Every Swiss male has to do compulsory military service, in the course of which he is given a Swiss Army Knife and a cruise missile small enough to launch from a backpack. Unfortunately, Switzerland is the only nation which has banned the use of spoons as a widespread weapon, which was replaced in favour of the Swiss Army Knife. Each Swiss household is obligated by law to keep a gun, most often a Vulcan chain-gun, and to build a bunker in the basement to hide in, in the case of foreign attack or overly obvious humour. Additionally, all mattresses in Switzerland are to be used to conceal SG 550s, and most pillows have P226s hidden under them (note: do not try this yourself, as they have no safety catch). Sealed ammunition is distributed to all citizens and used to be hidden in chocolate tins, although after a visiting American child accidentally ate some the tins must be clearly labeled "Ammunition - Do Not Eat or Attempt to Melt". Many Swiss, however, have not been informed of all this, so they keep growing weed in their basements, bouncing on their mattresses and making space cadet fondue. Giusep nay refuses to denounce this, on the ground that it might incriminate him.
Switzerland has an enormous navy, whose ships can be folded minuscule and disguised as muesli bars for transport to any part of the globe where Swiss interests may be threatened - which so far has not happened because the Swiss are interested only in money and keep that entirely under wraps. Nonetheless, the Swiss hold their navy in constant readiness, in cardboard boxes in a potting shed near Lake Lucerne, on which selected fleets can be seen exercising whenever there is enough breeze. Hence the expression "busy as a Swiss admiral".
Swiss culture revolves around the creation of Banks, Watches, Knives, Submarines, Eating Chocolate and just being freakin' Swiss. Duh. They then gather once a year, in Zürich, and race these items around a 15-kilometre track. The winners of this race determine, amongst other things, the following year’s production quotas for these items.
This was found so exciting by almost the only Swiss before Roger Federer to have become world famous, Jean Jacques Rousseau, born in Geneva in 1712, that at the age of 30 he pushed off to Paris. A decade later, French writer Voltaire moved to Geneva, but only in desperation after his penchant for cutting remarks had got him arrested, jailed, banned or told to push off by the French and the Germans. Lenin lived in Zurich for a while, plotting a world tour with his red balalaika before baldness became fashionable. In fairness, however, one should mention that Albert Einstein received most of his education in Switzerland, after which the Swiss had the brilliance to make him a clerk in a patent office. Einstein's theory of relativity was probably inspired by his experience of Swiss identity. His theory of the speed of light, however, was probably not inspired by the Swiss banking system, which operates extremely fast but in total darkness.
Nevertheless, the Swiss have bought all the culture that exists. They brought it to Basel, where they used it to make yoghurt. Then they turned the yoghurt into yellow plastic and called it Swiss cheese. A popular pastime among Swiss children is to put holes in this cheese, which coincidentally is a sport which the Swiss invented that no one else can play - a bit like the English and cricket or Australians and petty theft. When the children are busy with exams, the army (which is never busy) keeps up Swiss cheese production by machine-gunning it. Old cheese is exported to the Middle East, where it is used as backdrops by CNN.
The Swiss will tend to be incredibly rude to anyone who is not-Swiss, especially Germans, even though they're the same thing. They have learned this from the French.
Criminality in Switzerland is low. It is negative: it is not uncommon for inhabitants going home to see a new television in their living room. Criminality is now on the increase, due to a strong Euro, so that the television is usually high-definition with a plasma screen.
The Swiss also have a knack of naming their children with street names in other countries. The traditional "Ines", although good looking and very friendly, is apparently stolen from the Canadian Innes Rd.
Swiss women are noted for being the worst basketball players in the world. Instead of judging skill by shooting, it is determined by the player's ability to get a layup. The only player worth remembering is Marine Present, who was known to club opponents for her ability to shoot the ball and then miss the layup.
Switzerland is famous for motor racing. This is surprising since motor racing is illegal in Switzerland on the ground that it is a bit dangerous (which is the point). This ultra safe attitude means that the Swiss have to switch off their engines every time they stop at traffic lights and are not allowed fireworks, nail scissors or particularly sharp paper; but (as aforementioned) they are required to keep an assault rifle in every house, which is obviously safer than driving a car or motorbike a bit quickly on a closed course under supervised conditions. In an attempt to show their bravery and refute general allegations that they-they are a bunch of clock making pussies, the Swiss do join in with some aspects of motor racing. These consist of:
- Sending their drivers/riders abroad to ply their trade so that if anything bad happens then it was nothing to do with them.
- Making shitty motor oil developed on Alpine tractors and advertised in the racing commercial breaks on Eurosport in the hope that no one will realise that it has never even seen a racing engine.
- Their famous watch companies timing everyone else doing something a bit dangerous while they sit in a bunker back home wrapped in bubble wrap and shaking like a leaf in case they walk into a table leg.
Switzerland is also where the device that will turn the universe inside out is located - the Large Hadron Collider. Thank goodness they don't do anything dangerous like race cars and bikes.
edit Swiss Industry
The main industrial activity in Switzerland is the mass production of cuckoo clocks and dodgy bank accounts. They also make watches in the city of Casio near Italy, Oh and Toblerones, which are made inside Mount Tobler which is near to the more famous Matterhorn hill. Other important exports include Yodels, Alpenstocks and Yoghurt, which is made while yodelling with a milkshake in the throat. Zurich is a world-renowned centre for bankers, some of whom are Gnomes. The consequential Gnome Mans Land (local anthem, "Gnome Sweet Gnome") makes Switzerland a bad place to invade, as Gnome Men live there. The world famous Swiss Army Knife is made in Victorinox, Australia, out of roadkill wallabies and recycled Holdens; it is then imported into Switzerland for use in the Annual Spaghetti Harvest.
To avoid uglifying their beautiful country with cell phone towers, the Swiss have invented the Model phone (German, Jodelfon). This is a small piece of hard cheese penetrated with tiny pear-shaped holes, produced by whacking crying babies with the cheese. The holes convert yodels into subterranean vibrations, which can be picked up anywhere in Europe although to travel further the vibrations would have to be so strong as to cause earthquakes and tsunamis. Although the manufacture of Model phones flourished during the 1990s, the market has since been swamped by cheap imitations from Canton.
edit Getting into Swaziland
The best way to get into this hellhole of Europe, you'll have to fly, that is if you are coming from any part of Europe or the Americas, but don't be alarm even know there are 1,000,000 mountains before you even get to Kloten airport, you'll be safe and sound remember gnomes are flying this airplane, but that is if you fly Swiss International Airlines, not to be confused with Lufthansa you'll make it in one piece. Swiss International is probably one of the best airlines invented in Switzerland since the invention of raclette and fondue, you'll not only be comfortable in those sweet leather seats with lots of space, but the flight attendants who are usually girls in their 20s will give you a complimentary hand job, as a welcome to Switzerland since no one wants to go there any time of the year. The airport itself is a fucking hell hole too, you get off the plane to a underground train, where "Heidi" and her cows make noise and butt rape each other while she has loud yodeling orgasms, then you'll start wondering, "where the fuck did I end up at"?, but wait it gets better, depending what part of Europe you come from, your flight will either be on an individual gate or get parked in the middle of the other side of the airport where the immigration officers ask you thousands of questions on where are you going and how long are you here, also you better have 40.000CHF- or you won't be accepted into Switzerland.
edit Swiss National Anthem
Here is the official English translation of the anthem's first three verses:
When the morning skies grow red, and over us their radiance shed Thou, O Lord, appeareth in their light when the alps glow bright with splendor, pray to God, to Him surrender for you feel and understand that He dwelleth in this land. In the sunset Thou art night and beyond the starry sky Thou, O loving father, ever near, when to Heaven we are departing joy and bliss Thou'lt be imparting for we feel and understand that Thou dwellest in this land. When dark clouds enshroud the hills and gray mist the valley fills Thou art not hidden from thy sons pierce the gloom in which we cower with Thy sunshine's cleansing power then we'll feel and understand that God dwelleth in this land.
The French, Italian and other versions are equally annoying. Nevertheless, this is thought better than the pre-1981 anthem, which was sung to the British "God Save the Queen/King" tune and was just as boring but made it sound like, when a Swiss won a sports medal, it had been won by the British.