Neurotypical syndrome

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search
“There HAS to be some way to prove that I'M the normal one and EVERYONE ELSE is the fuck up!”
~ Charles Laundry on Neurotypical Syndrome
“Chris, don’t say retard. We prefer to be called ‘little people’ because there is nothing wrong with being mentally challenged. In fact, I’ve learned we are superior, above all you dumb brainy smarties, and one day you will beg us for mercy… and we will consider it.”
~ Peter Griffin on Neurotypical Syndrome
Society 2140 0

Those most debilitatingly stricken with NT tend to engage in meaningless activities of mass, unified action for the most viscerally appealing cause. Here, they are trying to ask the Supreme Court to control their bodies, or it could just be a demand for a longer life expectancy. Whatever works for you.

Neurotypical syndrome (a.k.a. NT,also known as arrogant mob syndrome, or Windows NT Syndrome) is a life-long and serious mental disorder affecting people everywhere. Symptoms include inflated ego, mob formation, readiness to follow idiots, and possibly the formation of a large goiter. Persons afflicted with this disorder should be referred to as persons with Neurotypical syndrome, "persons with Neurotypicalism" persons with NT or persons who have NT. Though most persons with NT would prefer to be referred to as neurotypicals, NTs or even normals, nobody cares about their opinions. Monsters like to call them "normies"

edit Symptoms

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Neurotypical syndrome.

Persons with Neurotypical Syndrome, commonly and to a significant degree, display a variety of symptoms of their debilitating condition. Here, some of the most significant ones are summarized.

One of the most striking symptoms, likely to shock and alienate any healthy individual attempting to do anything more than briefly communicate with them, is their acute avoidance of honesty; direct speech is often experienced as a type of insult to them, and many cannot comprehend the literal meaning of language. To an NT, a simple phrase such as 'I am fine' can be understood in an almost infinite number of ways. Possible meanings for the neurotypical would include, 'I wish to have a long conversation about my emotions now', 'I would like you to discuss the appearance of my face now', and, 'I would like you to tell me about all your emotions now.' The inability to understand the literal content of language, or the significance of the order in which one delivers it, is perhaps the core feature of neurotypicality, a central problem around which the other defects revolve.

Another highly visible symptom is that of their ritualistic activities, such as the rote utterance of phrases of little apparent meaning, particularly in social contexts. Typically, NTs involved in such “conversation” will exchange memorized stock phrases related to things such as the weather or the feelings of themselves and others, showing no interest whatsoever in the responses unless they violate the expected pattern, in which case the NTs will quite possibly consider the person who made the comment mentally deficient. Other common ritualistic activities include, but are not limited to, excessive use of body language, incoherent shouting and monkey-like vocalizations (particularly when inebriated in the presence of a pack of fellow NTs), trying to agree with as many people as possible in any social situation in complete diregard of either data or logic, and the obsessive-compulsive performing of strange gestures and uttering of nonsensical phrases, often as part of a religious practice.

Generally, neurotypicality is combined with a generalised inability to attend seriously to the details of anything at all, or follow logic. NTs will often claim to prize logic and sequential thinking, but outcomes which challenge, for example, any of the rote phrases, or any of the expected responses, will often result in extreme emotional crisis.

edit DSM IV Criteria

Neurotypical Syndrome, from criteria for 299.80 Diabolic and Sadistic Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM IV)

(I) Qualitative impairment in social interaction, as manifested by at least two of the following:

(A) marked impairments in the use of multiple verbal behaviors, such as literal language and honesty, to regulate social interaction;

(B) failure to develop peer relationships with non-neurotypical people, need to bully non-neurotypical people, and frequent inappropriate attempts to manipulate other people;

(C) a lack of spontaneous seeking to share own interests with other people (e.g., constant use of "small talk", indicating a lack of expression to other people of anything interesting);

(D) lack of social or emotional reciprocity, believing that all other individuals ought to conform to the neurotypical’s way of thinking

(E) overuse of cellular devices to communicate with other NTs and partially or completely fail to pay attention to communication or commands given by other individuals.

(II) Restricted, repetitive, and stereotyped patterns of behavior, interests, and activities, as manifested by at least one of the following:

(A) encompassing preoccupation with one or more stereotyped and restricted patterns of interest, such as children, gossip, or reality television, that is abnormal in either intensity or focus;

(B) apparently inflexible adherence to specific, nonfunctional routines or rituals, examples of which might include the wearing of clothes that somebody else has told them is the latest fashion even though ugly or uncomfortable, or the purchasing of inappropriate or poorly made clothing because of the attachment of meaningless logos or labels.

(C) stereotyped and repetitive manners (e.g., ritualistic thanking of people for useless, unsolicited, and unwanted gifts)

(D) persistent preoccupation with parts of objects, such as tags indicating what brand a product is, with concomitant inability to appraise any material object by systematic criteria;

(E) a tendency to read grievous personal slights into innocuous remarks or gestures; in the most catastrophic cases of neurotypicality, the most extreme offence is reserved for the truest of statements;

(F) inappropriately tactile behavior and lack of respect for the personal space of others;

(G) restricted, highly typified, repetitive vocabulary.

(III) The disturbance causes clinically significant impairments in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning. Most often, the outcome is 'groupthink', a situation in which the inability to collect data or systematically analyse it, and the pathological obsession with consensus, can lead to street violence, economic incompetence, a complete disregard for standards of quality, and military risk-taking. Furthermore, neurotypical people are frequently depressed because they are worried about what other people are thinking about them. They frequently cannot succeed professionally because they lack the curiosity to gain any marketable expertise in any area. Neurotypical people are frequently tired the moment they wake up in the morning, even after having gotten a full night’s sleep; when they are not tired, they are often bored.

(IV) There is a clinically significant general delay in language. As children, neurotypicals often begin speaking by just saying random words that are not arranged into sentences and frequently speak a pidgin form of their native tongue until about age six. They have an abnormal sensory sensitivity to tone of voice, leading to attention deficits that render them unable to comprehend the literal meaning of words. Neurotypicals are frequently unable to understand that a person asking a question is not communicating anything other than the desire to get the answer to the question. They frequently attempt to answer questions before the speaker has even finished asking the question, due to a delusional belief that they can read other people’s minds. As a result, answers to questions posed to neurotypicals are frequently non sequiturs. Neurotypicals ask questions that they don’t want answered, and frequently say "I know" when told something that they could not possibly know. It is believed that neurotypical syndrome is a Tourette spectrum disorder, and neurotypical syndrome is sometimes referred to as "high-functioning Tourette’s".

(V) There is a clinically significant delay in cognitive development and curiosity about systems in the environment in childhood, which often continues throughout a neurotypical’s life.

(VI) Rigid conformity to social norms cannot be explained by living under the yoke of a fascist government.

edit Intellectual deficits

Persons with NT, when compared to healthy individuals, commonly have a set of distinct intellectual impairments. Apart from a lower-than-average IQ (the average neurotypical IQ is 99.27), they show a lack of interest in technicalities and are consequently remarkably ignorant. In addition, as they generally believe they know all that is of importance, they have few inclinations to search for new (or even relevant) information.

Once a person with neurotypicality has made up his or her mind, a process typically involving very little ratiocination, cogitation, or deliberation, he or she likely refuses to acknowledge even the slightest possibility of being mistaken, no matter how much solid, logical evidence is presented. In contrast, they are for some reason quickly and easily convinced when exposed to emotional manipulation, the standard method of argumentation between NTs.

edit Epidemiology

The disease affects as many as 9,600 out of 10,000 individuals, which is clearly alarming. The good news is that the incidence appears to be decreasing. Several possible causes for this have been proposed. For example, nutritional improvements in the last few decades are said to be allowing these poor kids to develop proper neurology.

Then there are the ludicrous claims that mercury may be reducing numbers of NT sufferers worldwide (as "calomel" supposedly did during the Renaissance, supposedly spawning a generation of alchemists, painters and other hermetic geniuses). But as one can tell by a cursory glance, the effects, especially on developing youngsters, have been quite uneven and, to say the least, frightening.

edit Treatment

A few have been known to spontaneously recover, i.e., after exhibiting neurotypical behavior for much of their lives, they suddenly become interested in their environment.

Although no cure for neurotypical syndrome yet exists, a genetic test to identify likely neurotypicality in utero is expected to be developed soon. This is being disguised as a test for Autism.

Interestingly enough, history has shown that this experimentation has been conducted multiple times already, through the practice of live-action political science! Fascism, or a devotion to a singular cause, has been violently redirected once already in history on a grand scale.

edit Neurology

Neurotypical syndrome is characterized by externalized self-referential modes of thought, where the individual subject continually models how others might judge her or his own actions, in an attempt to maintain the desired outward appearance. Despite wasting vast amounts of cognitive resources, the disease is so widespread that many ill-informed health care professionals consider it a normal, healthy state. Definitive diagnoses may be made by use of polygraph tests and simple questions such as "Are you living a lie?", to determine how many mental resources are being diverted toward delusion maintenance. (Of course, it is best not to inform a subject of the exact purpose of this procedure before making the diagnostic tests.) Diagnosis and treatment are best initiated at an early age, prior to beginning public schooling, to avoid the cross-contamination responsible for the current epidemic.

The disorder is believed to stem from distinct anomalies in brain development, including severe overdevelopment of socio-linguistic areas of the mammalian mid-brain. These defects are thought to be caused by the consumption of meat infected with foot-and-mouth disease. However, it is commonly believed to have a genetic origin, despite scientific evidence to the contrary.

Neurotypical syndrome often results in abnormal underdevelopment of the cerebrum and thus an only superficial aptitude on any given subject. On the other hand, NTs do have very well-developed mid-brains, which give them psychic powers that they call "intuition".

One theory that has gained wide acceptance recently suggests that the reduced neuron counts of their abnormally small brains allow them to learn quickly, albeit not particularly well. This has yet to be proven, but the theory is supported by the model of quantum memory proposed by Penrose and Hammerhoff.

That is, as the number of neural connections increases, the number of distinct coherent entangled states that the brain can display increases exponentially, overwhelming the ability of limited sensory input to provide convergence to the imprinting process. As a result, people with fewer interconnected neurons are expected to develop faster but with less depth, and people with more connections between neurons are expected to develop slowly and in a horrifyingly awkward, professional manner.

Thus, children with NT also find themselves unable to properly develop intense and unique interests at any given time, with the notable exception of sex, and in some cases sports, depending on the crowd. Children suffering from Neurotypical syndrome also learn many varied subjects faster if they are willing (or firmly prompted) to learn the subject and if they are known to study well and work hard.

edit Prognosis

Lacking normal brains and skill at any activity outside of getting drunk with their mental equals (identified by the term "friend"), persons with NT Syndrome may be entirely left out from the next step of human evolution and scurry about the margins of society with all the other lower mammals. Meanwhile, we who rank higher on the Autism spectrum will enjoy a world without the distraction of multiple conversations at the same time, without lies or pretense, without excessive and inappropriate use of metaphors or irony (irony is really only a form of humor and a metaphor exists as a mnemonic device assisting imaginative writers who wish to create a 'feel' for their novelizations, and thus ought to be relegated to children's writing) -- a world where we can completely understand and trust each other. NT's often suffer because when they have a tantrum, they cannot make excuses for the tantrum.

edit Neurotypical Savants

Despite having severe handicaps in functioning that counts, some Neurotypicals, called "neurotypical savants", show higher than average achievement in some areas, usually in the realm of socializing. Some are amazing at shopping, others at gossiping. Unfortunately, this comes with the absence of any useful skills, such as logical reasoning or perfect circle drawing.

The most famous example is probably Paris Hilton, who has miraculously managed to have a successful career using just socializing skills. Remarkably, she is unable to do simple things like multiply eight-digit numbers in her head, figure out how to fill out a ballot during an election (as much as she wanted to vote), tell dogs of different breeds apart, or put on (or take off) her own underwear without assistance. However, it is worth noting that in spite of clear evidence to the contrary, many neurotypicals would assert that Ms. Hilton is entirely too capable of taking off her own underwear. This is clearly not the case, or she would be able to specialize in one field, and would probably not be NT.

edit NT rights movement


Despite what the NT rights movement may say, this is what you get when NT goes untreated and NT inbreeding occurs.

A dangerous faction of self-described NT sufferers has begun to learn to use computers and are demanding tolerance for their defective neurological wiring, which, after all, is the wiring of most people. Even some NT sufferers who allegedly party every day are still able to use a keyboard and make a case for acceptance of NT syndrome. The baseless position the movement advances at the most fundamental level is that NT syndrome is not a disease, syndrome, or disorder at all, but simply a way of being, part of their personality.

But as several expert, over-the-internet diagnosticians have pointed out, computer use is inconsistent with a diagnosis of NT syndrome. This vocal minority of alleged persons who have NT promote "doing nothing" about NT syndrome and would rather let it fester. They oppose life-saving treatment such as PTAH and Borg assimilation, with arguments that border on the ridiculous.

edit Famous NT's

Except for a few inventors and scientists, most famous people throughout history have suffered from debilitating neurotypicality. This explains why it took so long to invent the flush toilet, which is ironic, as NTs are more likely to be able to use a toilet than are non NTs. Famous people with the extreme neurotypicalness include hooligans like Al Capone, crooks like L. Ron Hubbard, and fuckups like Karl Rove.

And there are a few entertaining lunatics like Pablo Picasso, drunken writers like Ernest Hemmingway and practically everyone else in music and Hollywood. Ignoring those, neurotypicals are typically too busy being neurotypical to actually contribute to society in any way.

edit Living with Neurotypical Syndrome

Although Neurotypical Syndrome is a serious, lifelong mental condition, persons with NT can live happy, long, successful lives with the help of therapy, provided that the therapist is an aspie or autistic. Through many sessions, they may overcome some of their many debilitating handicaps and become more akin to an autistic. In a few cases, NTs have been rumored to have reached near the level of an aspie, but said claims have not been confirmed.

edit See also

Personal tools
In other languages