Network Rail

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search

“ The 10.22 Northern Trains service to London Paddington is delayed, by approximately 4 days, because of leaves on the line”
~ Oscar Wilde on Network Rail

“Please accept our apologies for the severe delay to this service.”
~ Network Rail motto, played on a loop at all railway stations.
“we have now upgraded the pay of our apprentices to what we feel are acceptable amounts”
~ Bill Alexander on paying apprentices in smart price dry roasted peanuts.
“We have sucessfully delivered the West Coast Mainline upgrade. From Friday, we will also deliver babies! - Network Rail - Investing in the future.”
~ Network Rail Press Release.

Notwork Fail (previously known as Railcack) is a long running English farce designed to emulate hell and thus put the fear of God in to people, so they can all be nice and get along like Sunni's and Shia's in Baghdad and won't need ASBOs.

Since the creation of Notwork Fail and its predecessor, people have started to have similar fears about train travel as air travel, such as "being nervous about leaving the ground".

Notwork Fail claim to be an organisation, but in fact are not organised enough to be called such under new government legislation. Notwork Fail is one of the governments more effective measures for controlling the general public and further turning them into slaves, and every now and then when the public are misbehaving the government orders a train crash of varying severity, dependant on how pissed off they are.

edit Reducing overcrowding

The UK rail network is slightly over-capacity, running at 1472.8% of its design capacity. This is because all of Britain's railways were built between 1643 and 1719, during which time the UK had an average population of 6. The main step to combating this increasingly common spectre is by making rail travel less attractive. There have been several attempts at achieving this, notably an increase in the number of crashes to try and reduce the population.

edit Fiction author

Notwork Fail are the greatest selling fiction author in Britain, with their fiction classic, timetable series, even outselling Harry Potter books. However, this may be due to the fact that their timetables are the only available thing to read when waiting for a delayed train.

edit Cheap seats

One of the incentives being offered in an attempt to bring back passengers, is the availability of cheap seats. However, the public misunderstood this, thinking that it was cheap to travel by train. The cheap seats initiative is based on the fact that seats are incredibly cheap on a per hour basis (in fact it is one the most economic places to spend time), which is because it takes trains forever to get anywhere.

edit Reducing travel times

There have been several attempts at reducing travel times across the network. One of the first things attempted by the government was to not operate any trains; when there are no trains scheduled, how can they be late? This plan was formerly known as "the reshaping of British Railways", but more commonly as "bollocks" or "the Beaching Axe", so called because it was about as much use a beached whale.

A much later method employed to reduce travel times is to forcibly change peoples destination and cause their journey to terminate earlier. Several renowned success are:

  • Paddington
  • Hatfield
  • Potters Bar
  • Grayrigg
  • Selby

Unfortunately such measures generally have generally changed travellers destinations to the nearest hospital, or in some cases has made their destination final.

edit SRA

The SRA, or Shit Round Authority (so called as it is run by fat men who don't have a clue), are the people who allow Notwork Fail to continue to operate. Notwork Fail are only allowed to continue because they gave a back handers to the pussies at SRA. No one who travels by train like the SRA. Thanks to the SRA, trains have been used as a method of social gathering, this is because as you sit on the train and don't go anywhere, you get to know the person next to you; this is where the SRA got the idea of introducing speed dating to supermarkets.

edit Faredodging

This is the act of dodging sharp edged train tickets thrown at you by train guards.Faredodging is one of the main sources of income for Notwork Fail, as well as selling orphaned children to Madonna and 'stolen' MI5 laptops to terrorists. If one is caught dodging the fare, you can expect one of the following to occur:

  • For a start, who the FUCK do you think you are? Refusing to pay for an overpriced ticket to be forced into an overcrowded train? You DISGUST me.
  • Some text book quango bollocks from a man in an anorak.
  • A warning from a man sat in the fuhrerbunker with the stuffed head of one of every endangered animal on the planet hanging from his wall.
  • Death by a thousand cuts.
  • Death by a thousand train service cuts.
  • Assassination by Notwork Fail special branch also known as "MI6"

edit Write to reply (A brief comment from train spotters who think laughing could damage your health)

1)Also you're a bunch of immature wankers who enjoy demeaning the work network rail go through to make sure that thousands of businessmen and travellers get a safe service everyday on our network. Remember that there is only 6 crashes listed, and that over 20,000 services operate everyday throughout the network, so the scale of disasters among successful services is nominal. Please have some respect for the people who go out everyday on a high-risk job to keep this great countries railways safe for everyone, and keep in mind we earn much more money than all of you sad-acts that have too much time and too much income from government benefits. You need to grow up, and more importantly try earning 37,000 pounds a year like myself and my colleagues. Wikipedia FTW

Excuse me, Mr Oh So Righteous, but this is Uncylopedia, not Britannica or the BBC. We take the piss out of things, like your mother for instance. Or that nasty habit you have of ejaculating whenever a train comes past.

Remember, "thousands of businessmen and travellers" are ripped off everyday by overpriced, uncomfortable and unreliable trains, "so the scale of disasters" is massive, with thousands of hours and millions of pounds wasted weekly. We understand "people go out every day on a high-risk", that's why why we won't step foot on a train, we'd rather like to live.

Congratulations on earning £37,000 for sitting on your arse all day watching coloured lights fly past the window... now perhaps maybe you'd like to make the thing work on time, on budget with a smile on your face. Please feel free to piss off to Wikipedia at your leisure.

2) *FACT* Different train operating companies offer different fares and are responsible for their own fares, services and delays, it has NOTHING to do with network rail. RETARDS

Do we care? No. Take your facts and shove them up that nasty little orifice you shitted them out of. Or Wikipedia. I suppose you think we should direct targeted and factually accurate abuse at the ORR, DfT or ATOC? Oh and for the record, your facts are wrong, the majority of fares are regulated by the government or PTEs. Now go and cry in a corner or something.

3.141) In fairness, doesn't network rail have a slightly less dire track record on accidents than railcack? They focus on making a huge profit by not doing any real maintenance and upgrades and then making all the trains go at 10 miles an hour (or more often zero) so they don't crash into each other. Given I spent 4 fucking hours shouting at useless twats in south west trains and british transport police uniforms last night at woking station, while notwork fail sat on their bloated arses and counted the £2 billion quid they'd made out of creating the shambles I'd say they're on to a winning strategy.

edit See Also

  1. Virgin Trains
  2. Worst Late Western

edit External links

Personal tools
projects