Neon Genesis Evangelion
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“Writing for a penny a word is ridiculous. If a man wants to make a million dollars, what he really needs to do is start merchandising.”
“A wiseguy, eh? Where's YOUR coterie of hot-panted worshippers?”
“I still don't fucking understand the end of "End of Evangelion." Is Rei a clone of Shinji's mom? Where the fuck are Shinji and Asuka? Is that LCL safe to drink? I mean, where the hell can a nigga get a bottle of Perrier 'round here?”
Neon Genesis Evangelion (from the Greek, meaning "Gigantic robots piloted by mentally ill children") is both an animated TV series created by Hideaki Anno and a children’s film released in 1995, written and directed by famed artist Hayao Miyazaki, and produced by Studio Ghibli. It is described in the Otakupedia as the most extensive project ever undertaken in Jappaneez Annimayshun. The anime, affectionately referred to by fans as Neon Genesis Manic Depression, illustrates a 14-year-old loser's awkward quest to get laid before everyone dies at the end. In select video stores you can obtain a copy of this from homeless lepers that sleep on the floor in the adult section.
Neon Genesis Evangelion began as an adult TV series but spawned a less critically-acclaimed movie for all of the kiddies to enjoy. Darker themes found in the TV series are toned down in the movie and the characters are represented slightly differently. Proud otaku generally agree that the movie version is teh ghey.
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[edit] Plot
In A.D. 2015 war was beginning. International mega-bastard and über pimp Gendo Ikari invites his whiny and flamboyantly homosexual son(?), Shinji, to Tokyo 3, the superfluous third Tokyo (created because someone thought just having two wasn't good enough). Located in Tokyo 3 is Gendo's mysterious post-modern corporation NERV, founded to make fun of Christian and Jewish symbolism and store massive piles of random junk, such as super-colossal bio-mechanoids and a giant masked marshmallow man.
Gendo's plan is to offer his spineless son an albino personality-devoid clone of his dead mother and a redheaded psycho bitch girl to shamelessly flirt with. To earn his keep, Shinji must join his potential concubines in piloting giant robots while prancing around with weapons of minor destruction and for some reason fighting gargantuan Godzilla rejects that God apparently created when he was high.
Throughout the whole series, the pathetic son screams and whines all the time. As time goes on, Shinji's condition begins to deteriorate and his mind regresses so far that he ends up being able to view life only as a series of under-funded slide shows created primarily from stock footage. Eventually, it takes the destruction of all people on Earth except one, lots of acid, and lots of product promotion for Tang™, for him to finally have sex with a girl, but then they reveal that he really didn't. (Or did he? The series stopped making sense prior to that point so it's not exactly clear.)
When he finally regains his senses and finds himself alone with the last girl in the world, the annoying German uber-bitch, he tries to kill her, as would 99% of males everywhere (but fails miserably, of course). In the original storyboards, the plan was for Steve Ballmer to also survive and "fucking kill" the both of them. This can be seen in the director's cuts of Evangelion, which are part of a devious plan to charge the fans an inordinate amount of money for things they've already figured out in the decade that they've been analyzing this convoluted LSD trip which somebody labeled as anime.
[edit] Characters
- These names are written in the Japanese order (or "back to front"). If you value your life, do not say these names in Western order in front of a Wapanese.
Ikari Shinji: The aforementioned loser. His hobbies include depression, whining, bitching and wallowing in extreme angst, being a loser, whining, masturbating, crying while masturbating, crying while masturbating over comatose girls, accidentally saving the world, contracting herpes, and whining. These traits have caused many to believe Shinji to be one of the first true "proto-emos". Interestingly, Shinji has never been seen together with Marvin the Paranoid Android, the only other person who is anywhere as depressed as Shinji. This has lead some to believe that they are the same person, whereas others believe that if they met each other, the sheer amount of depression concentrated in one location would cause the space-time continuum to tear apart, or kill itself. Also known as the "Third Children", because someone mixed up his singular and plural nouns.
01 Unit Evangelion: A big honkin' robot that stores the soul of Shinji's mother. Also the place where Shinji masturbates, a lot. See Oedipus Complex.
Asuka the Grouch: The aforementioned annoying, vile and hypersexualized German bitch who deserves to be spanked until her ass is the same shade of red as her hair. Her mother's father was the love child of Adolf Hitler and the female Anti-Christ. She was operated on in a lab to have the soul of Satan himself put into her body, and was then trained by the Nazi shadow government to be a ninja assassin. She is psychotic, psychopathic, clinically insane, constantly in a state of PMS, attracted to men at least twice her age (and secretly, boys with an Oedipus Complex), and prone to randomly flipping out and trying to fucking kill people. This makes her ideally suited for piloting a giant robot capable of destroying the world.
Ayanami Rei: The generic blue-haired girl with uncanny superpowers but absolutely no personality. She was created by Ikari Gendo when he threw his wife into his aquarium in a fit of rage after his fifteenth failed attempt to raise seamonkeys. Her hobbies include reading, staring out the window, staring at the wall, staring into space, boring people to death, dying, walking around naked for no reason, and basically increasing the suicide rate of all she comes into contact with. She has the ability to turn everyone on Earth into Tang™ by poking them.
Ikari Gendo: Ikari Gendo is afflicted with particularly poor teeth, and was forced from a young age to wear giant braces. Due to this he never, EVER reveals his mouth in front of company. Hobbies include having adulterous affairs with co-staff, neglecting his son, and molesting pre-pubescent females. Has won the Most Negligent Father Award ten years in a row and has been the subsequent runner up Biggest Douche In The Universe, behind John Edward, for the last five.
Katsuragi Misato: Her brilliant battlefield tactics are powered by beer; the more beer she drinks, the stupider her plans become, and therefore the more likely they are to succeed according to the Laws of Anime Physics. Her hobbies include drinking, having drunken one-night stands with total strangers, having drunken one-night stands with friends, molesting boys half her age, and being a total slob. She probably has an important role in the story, but the majority of viewers are transfixed on her hypnotic boobies whenever she starts yammering, and nobody understands the significance of her character.
Akagi "Blenda" Ritsuko: The Ubergeek and Gendo's personal ho. Believes that a computer is her mother. She invented new math and is capable of solving problems by making up new laws of physics, none of which make any sense (see also: Chewbacca defense). Is in charge of the Final Solution to NERV's excess stockpiles of coffee and cigarettes. Hobbies include smoking, sexually abusing Rei, molesting Maya, spouting technobabble and just standing around looking simultaneously really really ominous and really really hot.
Ibuki Maya: Bulimic hermaphrodite and Ritsuko's personal loveslave. She looks exactly like a female version of Shinji, leading many to suspect a lack of effort on the character designer's part. Hobbies include kissing Ritsuko's ass (both figuratively and literally), getting spanked by Ritsuko, getting tied up by Ritsuko, stating completely obvious things, cowering in fear, and vomiting whenever something icky happens.
Maya's collegues: There's.. uh.. that androgynous-looking guy with the guitar, and, uh.. the other had glasses, right? No one cares about them though, as they aren't hot lesbians.
Kaji... Ryoji Kaji: He uses his powers of being a self-righteous bastard, and The Power Of The Mullet to get into the pants of any chick and fourteen-year-old boy he wants. He likes to tell people that he's a triple agent, but he's really only a double agent (and only that by a technicality). Hobbies include standing around, annoying people, drinking coffee, hitting on lesbians, watering the watermelons, wallowing in depression and being utterly useless.
Ikari Yui: Shinji's mom and Gendo's wife. She puts on a facade of cheer and good nature to hide her vengeful, cannibalistic urges. She is commonly credited with being the first person to use an antimatter diet as a method of weight loss. Uses the word "spiffy" a lot. Also is very hot, which explains why Gendo would like to turn everybody on Earth into Tang™ to have sex with her again.
Asuka's Mom: Asuka's mother, and Asuka's father's wife. Like her daughter, she was clinically insane, which made her awesome in bed. Once snapped a puppy schnauzer’s neck for chewing on her favorite rag doll.
Akagi Naoko: Mother of Ritsuko and inventor of a multi-trillion dollar computer that doesn't do much other than play screensavers from the 1980's and occasionally attempt to self-destruct. She is an avid supporter of post-mortem organ donations. Her hobbies include making out with total assholes, screwing her daughter over, and strangling young children who give her shit when she's busy.
Horaki Hikari: Uni-nippled class committee representative in Shinji's class. As name implies, she is both a whore and a hick. Once proposed putting Silly Putty on the school lunch menu. Dumber than a bag of hammers.
That Annoying Kid In The School Who The Dorks Make Fun Of: Also known as Kensuke the gay man, but nobody cares anyways. Can be recognized by his ultra awkward voice in the English versions of the anime, which sounds similar to someone who has a small rodent permanently lodged in their throat trying to vomit. Has no real purpose other then lusting after Misato and promoting G.I. Joe.
Suzuhara Toji: From Shinji's class, acts like a little punk but deep down inside he's a pussy, which is verified when he goes every day to the hospital to see his ailing sister. Once knocked out Shinji in a lame attempt to prove his masculinity, and in another incident showed his banana to Asuka the Grouch, who promptly planted her steel-toed boot into his left nut. In another occasion, he even attempted to pilot one of the big honkin' robots already mentioned, which literally cost him an arm and a leg.
Nagisa Kaworu: Flaming homosexual with albinism, like Rei. Created by Pen-Pen by surgically removing the left nipple of Horaki Hikari, microwaving it on "thaw" for 59 minutes, and bitch-slapping what came out. He was originally sent to NERV to see if Shinji was gay, and if so, have lots of gay sex with him. He ended up screwing Rei instead, which he described as "kind of awkward at first, but then REALLY weird when I found out she was my sister". This drove him to become suicidal and ask Shinji to pop his head off "like a Pez dispenser", but of course had lots of gay sex with him first because if he did not, the yaoi fangirls would have suicide bombed GAINAX out of disappointment. After dying he caused Shinji to become so depressed that he could only view reality as a series of slide-shows. Nowadays, he is known as "The Rapist Formally Known as Kaworu" and huffs kittens in his free time.
Pen-Pen: The mastermind behind this whole fiasco, and owner of Misato. While people tend to think of Pen-Pen as the pet, it's actually quite the opposite. Pen-Pen captured Misato several years ago and has since managed to train her to be his completely obedient sex slave.
SEELE members: 12 old geezers that live in black boxes and unofficially rule the world and plan the destruction of the world by Tang™ing everyone and keeping down the Metric system. They run NERV, the UN, Eva's 5 to 13, and a small but slowly expanding chain of soft pretzel stands. They also have a severe rivalry with other Illuminati groups like The Patriots and Hollywood and claim they stole their original ideas for world domination and force them to "go with the plan with the emo kids, the psycho bio-mechs and that douchebag Gendo".
Magi: Three computers designed by Akagi Naoko with a brilliant program that gives them the decision-making capabilities of three fickle and emotionally unstable personalities of her own. Consulted frequently by NERV for advice on saving the earth from utter cataclysm.
The watermelons: Genetically mutated and trained by SEELE to assassinate Kaji.
Other people: They do stuff, but not as much stuff as you might think.
[edit] TV series ending
For years, man has wondered just what the fuck was going on at the end of Evangelion. Here are some popular theories:
- Everybody has been smoking something, and I want to know what it is and where I can get some.
- Reality is just one big dream projected into our minds by gods on crack.
- The whole thing was just a big misunderstanding; in reality, the Angels were simply escaped balloon creatures.
- The whole story culminated in the creation of the Sega Genesis.
- The end of the world was an elaborate ruse by elder gods to get Shinji and Asuka to mate. Why else would they be the only two people left in existence?
- If James Joyce took on the giant robot genre, it would look a bit like this.
- The Geofront is actually Deep-13.
- George Findlay's fear of his own mortality renders him incapable of sustaining a meaningful romantic relationship.
- People are made of Tang™.
- Shinji really died from a heroin overdose near the end of the series and everything that happened afterward depicted his ascension into the afterlife.
- Evangelions are really robots from outer space bent on bringing happiness to Fluffy Bunny World.
Nevertheless, the general consensus is that Anno was simply pissing everyone in the eye to get some extra truckloads of cash while stoned off his ass on blacktar heroin.
[edit] Film adaptation
The timeless plot of Evangelion made into a movie by none other than Japan's beloved Hayao Miyazaki. His work with children's stories made him a natural pick for the movie adaptation. Upon accepting the offer to direct, Miyazaki is quoted as saying, "It's this story's optimism, love, and upbeat attitude that inspired me to work in the anime industry."
Upon hearing this quote, many anime fans are quoted as saying, "Oh crap, this movie is gonna blow!"
[edit] Plot
The film is a classic coming of age tale, set in rural Japan. It focuses on the lead character Shinji Ikari's transition into womanhood. Shinji is a precocious young girl who lives with her father Gendo Ikari (played by Lars Ulrich) a bumbling professor at the NERV institute. Shinji discovers a path in the nearby woods that leads her to discover a large creature known as the Evangelion. Together they go on an adventure to find a way to advance human evolution.
Over the course of the film, Shinji meets many characters, such as Asuka, Rei, Misato and many more. After they join her quest, the group has several adventures which all offer a painfully fluffy moral.
First, Shinji's friend Rei accidentally is killed, only to be revived. This is a repeating motif in the film, and shows that actions often lack consequences.
Next, Shinji gets into a fight with one of her friends, who was driven mad by bad berries. Shinji uses her Evangelion to fight her companion, and is forced to kill him. This offers the moral coda that sometimes in life we are forced into killing people we care about.
After that, Shinji's friend Asuka, who was searching for her home, finally reaches her goal only to find that her mother had killed herself. The moral here is that home is where the heart is.
However, Asuka eventually ends up in a coma after getting lost in the enchanted forest the Eva lives in. Shinji finds this to be the perfect time to pleasure herself over the body of a comatose (yet hot) girl. The moral here is that it's basically okay to do whatever you want to comatose people.
Later Misato saves Shinji from being buttraped by the bad people. She gets suckerpunched and dies forever. Rei appears over her body and rapes her. Meanwhile Asuka wakes up and experiences instant mindrape. Later on Ritsuko waits for Gendo, who shows up with Rei. Gendo and Ritsuko fight, and Gendo spouts inaudable Darth Vader shit about "I am your father." Ritsuko then gets shot and turns into Tang. Rei appears over her as she gets tang'd. Meanwhile Maya sees an image of Ritsuko, and gets turned into tang as well. Everyone else gets tanged set to creepy happy English j-pop music.
Finally, Shinji and what is left of her friends and the Evangelion begin the Human Instrumentality Project™ to attempt to make everyone on earth happy. However through her adventures, young Shinji has grown up and now understands that humanity can all just get along if we work at it.
The film closes with a montage of happy faces, and children of all colors and religion singing together in the streets, every element of the film now completely and coherently resolved. The Platinum Edition, by popular demand, is sold with a bag to vomit into.
[edit] Critical reception and box office gross
The film grossed 150 million yen (about the price of a cup of Starbucks coffee and a cookie) and also grossed an audience of 14 million. The film’s financial success was met despite relatively bad reviews of the film. Most critics complained that the film was too upbeat, and that its ending seemed forced and overly simple. Despite this Hayao Miyazaki is quoted as saying that he considers the film his most important work. He suggests that children should view it as a guide to their own personal struggles into adulthood.
[edit] Sequel
Needing more cash to by their shit, Gainax has rushed out a "sequel", Rebuild. The plot and animation are a complete reuse of the TV show, the only changes are that Shinji now has a cunt(instead of just being one), Asuka is now a German dyke, and Rei is a blue dick.
[edit] Inspiration
The original TV series was loosely based upon the anonymously authored 1979 novel, "The Vision of Evangelion". The original story was a touching story of an autistic boy with an alcoholic father coming to terms with his condition, but was erratically translated into Japanese to become a sexually explicit giant robot orgy. Sales of the Japanese version skyrocketed in Japan, prompting an accurate English translation of the mis-translated Japanese version, which was blasted by most literary critics.
[edit] The Creator
Neon Genesis Evangelion was created a decade ago by Hideaki Anno, a 35-year-old virgin. The show is based on the fictitious pimping experiences of his god-like alter ego. He has still to cease creating director's cuts, platinum variations, extra collection sets, producer's visions and other special editions of the TV series. The main differences between these editions can be seen in the gamma correction, which Anno randomly tweaks for every release. Occasionally he also adds new scenes to the show, which mainly consist of a still frame showing one of the characters staring at a wall for five minutes, or rearranges the ending abitrarily to something even more incomprehensible.
