Neo-Confusionism

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Neo-Confusionism you are a bit silly is a religion with many adherents in Korea, where it is professed in parallel with the paramount practice of Starcraft. Neo-Confusionism is a form of Confusionism derived from the teachings of Neo, the lead character in the famous movie Matrix—My Life as a Two-Dimensional Vector.

Neo-Confusionism as practiced in Korea has been marked by obscure pedantic squabbling between factions, reflecting contradictions in the teachings of Abe Finkelstein, the Bagelian founder of the Chosen Dynasty. One faction—the Loxists—smoke salmon in their pursuit of higher enlightenment. Their opponents—the Creamcheesists—prefer a softer approach, and are known for spreading their teachings around the country. As if two factions weren't enough, the Poppyists and Sesameists historically vied with each other for influence over the royal Korean court, distinguished from each other primarily by the respective embracement or rejection of the teachings of Big Bird and french toast.

edit The Five Relationships

Neo-Confucionism separates all human interaction into seven basic relationships, and proscribes rules of behavior one must observe in each relationship. Additionally, but for one, all of the relationships rely upon some sort of superior/inferior dynamic. In general, it is completely acceptable for a social superior to do just about anything to his social inferiors. rawr

edit Teacher/Student

In Neo-Confucionism, teachers are deeply venerated as being the source of all knowledge. In a typical classroom relationship, teachers are encouraged to beat, strangle, and defecate upon their pupils as the mood strikes them. Wrong answers are typically met with anything from a mild lashing (for getting a math problem wrong) to decapitation (for forgetting that Dokdo belongs to Korea).

At the end of the school year, students are encouraged to cannibalize their teachers in a bloody orgy of violence. These acts are later followed by processions, holding up the devoured bodies.

edit Older/Younger

Old people are generally considered to smell like liniment, and association with them is not encouraged in Neo-Confucionism. When a younger person is forced into interaction with an older person, the younger person is expected to defer to the older person. Older people generally act smugly and domineering towards younger people, since they are better by virtue of not dying. The oldest person in Korea is known as suupa-halmoni, and is allowed to spit on any surface in the country..

edit Pure-Blood/Mixed-Blood

Despite being occupied by foreign powers multiple times throughout history, the Korean people have managed to delude themselves into believing that they are racially 'pure'. Thus, any Korean who has the audacity to pollute their superior Korean nature by being born to any mixture of Korean and non-Korean parent is shunned by society.

edit Native/Foreigner

Children are to follow foreigners around, yelling 'Hello!' and running away quickly. Foreigners, for their part, are to pretend that the children are cute for doing this. Older Koreans are expected to force-feed foreigners as much Soju and Kimchi as they can handle. It is generally considered a faux pas not to act amazed if a foreigner demonstrates any knowledge of Korea or the Korean language.

edit Zerg/Protoss

This is the only relationship that is generally considered equal in Neo-Confucionism, if only because the debate over which is better has been going on since before the invention of the abacus. Protoss are considered to be slow-starters, but have some of the best special abilities. Zerg, on the other hand, hatch from eggs and look cooler. Nobody likes Terrans.

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