Nelson Mandela
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
As a child, Nelson Mandela...ella, ella, ay, ay, ay wanted to become a lawyer, however South Africa's racist Apartheid system required all black people to become either naval officers or backing singers for Paul Simon. Mandela chose the former, becoming a midshipman on the HMSAS Scurvy at the age of fourteen. Conditions were hard on South African ships in those days, and many sailors suffered from horrible afflictions such as lumbago or tennis elbow. Mandela was no exception, and he was diagnosed with housemaid's knee shortly after passing for lieutenant. After serving 16 years on HMSAS Scurvy Nelson went on to England where he overthrew the Queen and built Nelson's Coloumn, which still stands today due to British reluctance to disturb the nuclear warhead buried deep inside. For a short time Mandela's enjoyed success as a professional wrestler where he populorised the use of both the full and half 'Nelson' moves.
Contents |
[edit] War With Germany
Mandela was convalescing from this debilitating condition when World War II broke out. Mandela was promoted to Master and Commander of the HMSAS Fixer-Upper, an eighteen gun sloop, which was then tasked as a submarine hunter. Mandela had the Fixer-Upper's 6- and 8-pounder cannons reforged into depth-charge launchers, and set out to do battle with the boche.
Nelson's now-famous leadership skills first came to light during the long months of sailing to the North Atlantic as he molded his rag-tag crew of misfits into an effective fighting force. Once in German waters, Mandela began attacking enemy shipping, winning many valuable prizes. However he soon found his ship under attack by the advanced German sub-of-the-day UB40. In a situation where lesser men might have fled, Mandela chose to fight. Fixer-Upper won a near-miraculous victory, albeit aided by favourable winds and the UB40's torpedoes having recerntly been upgraded to use a magnetic triggering system.
For his outstanding seamanship, Mandela was promoted to captain and given command of the South African Navy's only aircraft carrier, the HMSAS Millennium Falcon (officially designated a flush-deck galleon). Mandela spent the rest of the war trying to solve the engineering problem of allowing aircraft to take off without getting tangled in the rigging.
[edit] Sickness
Mandela returned to Cape Town to recuperate. He suffered from particularly intense fever dreams; one of which he named 'Winnie' and later married. Mandela did not fully recover until 1959, when he learned that the oppression of blacks was far worse than ever before, since the white government had segregated operating systems, and required all blacks to use Linux. Once again, Mandela angrily demanded equality. The new ruler, King Honki II, offered him a deal, whereby Mandela would be granted his freedom in return for renouncing his demands for uniform equality. Mandela turned down this offer, and as a result the phrase 'Do Not Free Nelson Mandela' became a rallying cry for anti-Apartheid forces.
[edit] War With Canada
From his new base in Halifax, Mandela attacked the great Canadian treasure convoy, which set sail from Newfoundland to Vancouver once every year, carrying a king's ransom in maple syrup and Canadian beer. Mandela cunningly lured away the convoy's warships by offering them a timeshare in Florida. He then took the precious syrup, and bombarded Montreal with it, causing a severe ant problem.
The Canadians were forced to admit that their accents weren't as stupid as the South Africans, though in the spirit of reconciliation the South Africans said that the Canadian accent is 'still pretty stupid, anyway'. And UNFORTUNATELY! A gigantic halibut (owned by the infamous Cecil), swimming in the Canadian Sea, sank his ship. It is believed that the halibut which attacked against Mandela was actually the king of halibuts, called Cthulhu.
[edit] President
Mandela returned to South Africa - after the halibut thing, which didn't make a lot of sense to me, but what do I know - to find that things had changed still further. The King had gone too far, and declared that only one sexual position would be legal throughout the entire continent. This would be known as the African National Congress.
He was consequently deported, to England where he started to sell his own line of alcholic drinks, drugs and various items.
[edit] Speculation
At his 233rd birthday, Nelson Mandela announced his retirement from the political and pornographic industries respectively. Since this announcement he has been a guest speaker at many white supremacist rallies and has changed his name to Nelson Klein, taking his inspiration from the International Klein Blue canvas from which it is reported he recieved a vision of his reincarnation as a nazi. When questioned about these circumstances through the ANC the pressure became too much for Mandela and he moved back to his holiday home on Robben Island where he has since published his autobiography/cookbook: Long Bake to Freedom.
