Nelly showing off his glamorous teeth.

Cornell Iral "Nelly" Haynes V.0 (born November 2, 1974) is one of the most famous classically-trained rappers of our time. His hard-hitting themes of "looking for the right time to shoot his steam" and "looking for the right time to flash them keys" have resonated with audiences worldwide.

Nelly is often mistaken for Nelly Furtado by conspiracy theorists, who believe he either cloned himself into a female or repeatedly undergoes sex-change surgery to switch between two personas.

Early life and educationEdit


Nelly's long-lost twin brother Jelly.

Nelly grew up in a Jehovah's Witness household in Grillzburg, Missouri. His mother, Theresa, was the first woman to three-wheel in the fo' with the gold Ds, while his father, Duff Paddy, who wore the pants in the family, was the first man to beat Nelly in a gassing-that-for-distance 4.6 Range contest. Growing up, Nelly was a very big Range Rover fan, as well as an avid Bulls & Sonics player; he was the twice-reigning B&S champ of his local high school, Splurge Academy.

Nelly was constantly abused by his father Duff, and developed a case of Polite Tourette's Syndrome as a result, set apart from typical Tourette's Syndrome by the frequent random verbal outbursts of compliments, such as "Nice scarf!", "I am the king of the city, top down windows, I'm Puffin like Diddy," or "It's gettin' hot in here, so take off all your clothes," versus profanity. Finally, at the age of 19 and 1/2, Nelly was sent to Demented Hills, a local asylum in St. Louis.


For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Nelly.

It was at the asylum that Nelly formed his urban classical music group, the Saint Louis Lunatics, commonly shortened to St. Lunatics. The group instantly hit the top ten charts in retirement homes everywhere with their monotonous pop rap hits such as "Batter Up" and "Mid-Jack Swing". One band member, Dale, has an extreme case of germaphobia; this may be why the band was later selected to perform the song "Summer in the City" for the animated anti-germ buddy cop film Osmosis Jones.

Nelly was the first famous black rapper of Midwestern descent (the first white one was Eminem. He revolutionized rap and R&B music with his hit solo songs, which include "BBQ Grillz", "Country Grammar", "Dilemma", "Hot in Herre", and "Ride Wit Me". "BBQ Grillz" made #1 on the Hillboard Not 100 for 20,065 weeks, and it became one of the most annoying songs of the mid-2000s due to being overplayed on radio stations every five minutes. His next single will be on the charts later in the fall titled "Fly Away/Smack Ya Right Up in the Cun."

Life goalsEdit

Nelly aspires to be the first black man to the Moon, then he wants to be the first Jehovah's Witness in Heaven. If he has time, he'd also like to someday have a family or two (or five). Nelly is a philanthropist and educationist, and works with Scholastic to get schoolkids into the wonders of coming in head, run and done, and bustin' like andale.

See alsoEdit