From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
“Lights..Cameras...and Action...One small step for man, one giant leap for Disney..What? Take that scene again??”
“I am disappointed with Lance.”
“To my infinity and beyond”
Siggy Fiedelbaum (August 5, 1930–August 25, 2012), better known by his stage name Neil Armstrong, was a minor American character actor who got his big break in the 1969 Hollywood production of the Moon Landing Hoax, for which he received the coveted Addy Award. However, he found himself typecast as an astronaut and found that he was unable to make a career in top secret disinformation programs. Some conspiracy theorists believe that he also owned a bottle containing a magic genie, a claim that Armstrong has always denied. He was also known to have the bicep strength of 11 1/2 African Swallows. (Not to be confused with the Asian Gulp).
Like many entertainers of his generation, Armstrong was born Siggy Fiedelbaum to Jewish parents on New York's Lower East Side. His parents wanted him to be a kosher butcher, but young Siggy sought a career on the stage. Frequently, he would truant from school to watch matinées at local Vaudeville theatres, dreaming of the day when that would be him up there.
Siggy's big chance came in 1946, when he ran away from home to become an assistant to Vaudeville legend Joey Blevins, touring the country him. Young Siggy - now going by the names "Neil Armberg" and later "Neilsy O'Armstrong" - had the duties of looking after the Blevins' ferrets and working as a comedy foil for the Professor by "accidentally" stepping on a ferret at the climax of the act, crushing it to death, and then being mobbed by its seventeen surviving compatriots.
Deciding it would be commercially wise to change his name to something less Jewish, Siggy adopted the name 'Neil Armstrong'. Now doors that had been hitherto closed to him (membership of some important golf clubs for example), were flung open. Armstrong dropped his broad New York twang and chose the more Mid West accent from Ohio to gain greater acceptance amongst WASPs. Blevins meanwhile insisted they took the act to Hollywood and Armstrong agreed as he wanted to be the new Tony Curtis.
When Blevins was offered a three movie deal with the film studio RKO in 1950 Armstrong found himself unemployed. Many legends of this time tell of Armstrong squiring various starlets around Hollywood and that he was boyfriend of Marilyn Monroe. He did work for awhile as an extra, and can bee seen in the background of several Three Stooges shorts, including Three Stupid Violent People and Wow, These Guys Make Lousy Mechanics. In 1951, he toured Korea with a USO show where he met his future collaborator Irving "Buzz Aldrin" Aldrenowicz.
Aldrin who had also suffered discrimination for being both Jewish and Polish, immediately saw through Armstrong's assimilated disguise. They agreed to work together in Hollywood, looking out for each other and trying to get involved in the same film or tv productions if the offers came up.
In 1955, Armstrong, tired of slim pickings on the outskirts of Hollywood, the pair called upon their allies in the Zionist-Masonic Axis to get ongoing jobs in the TV show, Test Pilot. In the show, Captain Whitney (Aldrin), a free-wheeling, devil-may-care test pilot whose wacky shenanigans are always being cut short by his superior, Major Sourpuss (Armstrong). So popular was this show, many members of the public actually began to believe that Armstrong and Aldrin were genuine test pilots - an important point that would lead them to the heart of the Apollo Program conspiracy.
Considering the recent historical past, Armstrong and Aldrin worked with the former Nazi rocket man Werner von Braun. The German scientist was at the time trying to convince everyone that his rockets had been part of a Third Reich scheme to conquer the moon for National Soclalism but that a problem with faulty gyroscopes had led them to land in London instead. All three appeared in a special edition of Test Pilot which supposedly said space travel was possible.
With the cancellation of Test Pilot in 1960, Armstrong and Aldrin worked together less and less frequently. Aldrin worked the TV guest star circuit, while Armstrong returned to his first love, the stage.
He was appearing as Dr. Mark Bruckner in On a Clear Day You Can See Forever, when President Johnson asked Armstrong to take part in a new government hoax, known as the Apollo Project. Armstrong accepted, partly in the hope that the CIA could arrange for him to get a Tony Award, and partly at the behest of Barbra Streisand, his Broadway co-star and High Priestess of the Culte des Goules.
Armstrong soon found that he was to be reunited with his old friend Aldrin in Act III of the Apollo Project, in which the first moonwalk takes place. Initially, Armstrong was to be the second man on the moon, with the first being veteran character actor Eli Wallach. However Wallach fell out with the director over his proposed script changes and ended up leaving, citing "creative differences". Rather than bring a new actor in as commander, Armstrong was recast as "Space Commander", Aldrin became "Lunar Module Pilot" and little known bit-player Michael Collins was cast as "Command Module Pilot".
Shooting began in a vacuum filmed soundstage in Arizona in 1968. Although I guess it wasn't a soundstage if there was a vacuum in it. Hmm. Anyhoo, the filming was a great success, and when it was transmitted to the public in 1969 not one of the foolish wretched drones realised that they were being manipulated by vast shadowy forces. Proof that he was never actually on the moon is hinted at by the fact that "Neil A." spelled backwards is "alien".
Post Apollo 11 Career and Death
Unfortunately, in spite of his critically acclaimed role, Armstrong found work drying up. The Military Industrial Complex had less and less work going for fake astronauts, and Armstrong found himself too typecast to find work on other disinformation projects. He attempted a comeback to the stage, but found that he'd been blackbanned by the Zionist/Masonic/MIC/Mole Men conspiracy's enemies. Ultimately, Armstrong found himself working behind the cameras as a CIA assassin, with just the occasional bit part.
This explains why in later years Neil Armstrong gained a reputation as a recluse. In comparison his old friends Buzz Aldrin and Michael Collins were able to carry on with the fiction that they had been to the moon and back. Aldrin later carried on the make believe when he became a Republican Party fund raiser.
In August 2012 it was announced Neil Armstrong had died. This has lead to speculation that he was about to reveal the truth about his supposed moon landing in 1969 when he was silenced for ever by scared officials at NASA. Armstrong's disappearance and the disgrace of Tour de France cyclist Lance Armstrong a few days earlier are said to be 'more than a coincidence' on Twitter.
There is a popular conspiracy theory that states that Armstrong discovered a magical genie bottle when his space pod splashed down on an island in the Pacific Ocean. This theory was first put forward by known conspiracy monger Vincent Yarfnaro in his 1978 book Astro-Naughty! The Secret History of Sexy Mythological Beings and NASA.
Armstrong called the allegations "ridiculous" but declined to comment further. However, NASA historian Chuck O'Zipwik has published the most complete refutation of Yarfnaro's claims. He points out that
- Yarfnaro's biography of Armstrong erroneously claims that by 1967 Armstrong was a 23rd degree Scottish Rite Freemason, whereas he was 18th degree York Rite.
- Yarfnaro implies that the Trilateral Commission is controlled by reptilian aliens, when in fact it is run by the greys
- Most tellingly, Yarfnaro's claim that Armstrong's pod landed in the Pacific suggests that Armstrong orbited the Earth, whereas such a thing would be beyond the will of God.
Yarfnaro has been unable to respond to these accusations, since he was abducted by the albino monks of the Vatican. He is said to have been walled up in a cell with just a small hatch to pass bread and water to him.
- ^ The US Government Disinformation Awards (popularly known as "Addy" awards in honour of Illuminati founder Adam Weisshaupt) are the highest honour the US Shadow Government, Inc. can bestow. They are awarded at the usual time, at an undisclosed location.
- ^ Of "Professor Blevins and his Baseball Playing Ferrets" fame.
- ^ At this point, Johnson was the most powerful Mason in the world, having murdered JFK according to ancient ritual.
- ^ Amongst Wallach's changes were the introduction of a female astronaut as a love interest (Wallach suggested Anita Ekberg) and a new scene pitting Wallach against "giant moon robots". The robots were deemed "too expensive", while Miss Ekberg was deemed "too hawt to put in a spacesuit".
- ^ It was at this time that Neil Armstrong appeared in the film Hello Dolly but his scenes were digitally changed and replaced by his namesake Louis Armstrong. The reason why this was done was to make sure Neil Armstrong 'had time' to go to the moon and back. The deception wasn't revealed until many years later.
- ^ The astronaut Michael Collins, not the Liam Neeson one. Who was Irish and not even a fake astronaut.
- ^ Roles he auditioned for included: a "defector" from the "Soviet Union", a scientist concerned with the "harmful effects" of tobacco, and "President of the USA". The last of these rolls went to another Hollywood second-stringer, Ronald Reagan.