Neil Armstrong
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“Neil Armstrong? Wait, was he the trumpet guy?”
~ Meg Griffin on Neil Armstrong
Neil Armstrong is the stage name of Siggy Fiedelbaum (1931-present), a minor Hollywood actor who got his big break in the 1969 production of the Moon Landing Hoax, for which he received the coveted Addy Award[1]. However, he found himself typecast as an astronaut and found that he was unable to make a career in top secret disinformation programs. Some conspiracy theorists believe that he also owned a bottle containing a magic genie, a claim that Armstrong has always denied.
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[edit] Early Life
Like many entertainers of his generation, Armstrong was born to Jewish parents on New York's Lower East Side. His parents wanted him to be a kosher butcher, but young Siggy sought a career on the stage. Frequently, he would truant from school to watch matinees at local Vaudeville theatres, dreaming of the day when that would be him up there.
His big chance came in 1946, when he ran away from home to become an assistant to Vaudeville legend Joey Blevins[2], touring the country him. Young Ziggy - now going by the names "Neil Armberg" and later "Neilsy O'Armstrong" fuked da bittches in da fuken ass for the Professor by "accidentally" stepping on a cok at the climax of the act, crushing it to death, and then being fucked by its seventeen surviving friends. Porn is his favorite
[edit] Hollywood
When Blevins was offered a three movie deal with RKO in 1950 Armstrong found himself unemployed, but decided to make a go of it in Hollywood. He worked for a while as an extra, and can bee seen in the background of several Three Stooges shorts, including Three Stupid Violent People and Wow, These Guys Make Lousy Mechanics. In 1951, he toured Korea with a USO show where he met his future collaberator Irving "Buzz Aldrin" Aldrenowicz.
[edit] Test Pilot
In 1955, Armstrong, tired of slim pickings on the outskirts of Hollywood, the pair called upon their allies in the Zionist-Masonic Axis to get ongoing jobs in the TV show, Test Pilot. In the show, Captain Whitney (Aldrin), a free-wheeling, devil-may-care test pilot whose wacky shenannegans are always being cut short by his superior, Major Sourpuss (Armstrong). So popular was this show, many members of the public actually began to believe that Armstrong and Aldrin were genuine test pilots - an important point that would lead them to the heart of the Apollo Program conspiracy.
[edit] Apollo Project
With the concellation of Test Pilot in 1960, Amstrong and Aldrin worked together less and less frequently. Aldrin worked the TV guest star circuit, while Armstrong returned to his first love, the stage.
He was appearing as Dr. Mark Bruckner in On a Clear Day You Can See Forever, when President Johnson[3] asked Armstrong to take part in a new government hoax, known as the Apollo Project. Armstrong accepted, partly in the hope that the CIA could arrange for him to get a Tony Award, and partly at the behest of Barbara Streisand, his Broadway co-star and High Priestess of the Culte des Goules.
Armstrong soon found that he was to be reunited with his old friend Aldrin in Act III of the Apollo Project, in which the first moonwalk takes place. Initially, Armstrong was to be the second man on the moon, with the first being veteran character actor Eli Wallach. However Wallach fell out with the director over his proposed script changes[4] and ended up leaving, citing "creative differences". Rather than bring a new actor in as commander, Armstrong was recast as "Space Commander", Aldrin became "Lunar Module Pilot" and little known bit-player Michael Collins[5] was cast as "Irish Freedom Fighter".
Shooting began in a vacuum filmed soundstage in Arizona in 1968. Although I guess it wasn't a soundstage if there was a vacuum in it. Hmm. Anyhoo, the filming was a great success, and when it was transmitted to the public in 1969 not one of the foolish wretched drones realised that they were being manipulated by vast shadowy forces.
During the 'moon' footage, Armstrong declared that "the treacle has landed". These puzzling words have been variously interpreted as holding a cryptic masonic, communist or even Scientologist message for certain viewers. The truth remains clouded.
Once finished filming, the vacuum cleaned up the soundstage. Mucho dusto.
[edit] Post Apollo 11 Career
Unfortunately, in spite of his critically aclaimed role, Armstrong went to the moon. The Military Industrial Complex had less and less work going for fake astronauts, and Armstrong found himself too typecast to find work on other disinformation projects[6]. He attempted a comeback to the stage, but found that he'd been blackbanned by the Zionist/Masonic/MIC/Mole Men conspiracy's enemies in the Liberal media conspiracy. Ultimately, he found himself working behind the cameras as a CIA assassin, with just the occasional bit part[7].
[edit] Conspiracy Theories
There is a popular conspiracy theory that states that Armstrong discovered a magical genie bottle when his space pod splashed down on an island in the Pacific Ocean. This theory was first put forward by known conspiracy monger Vincent Yarfnaro in his 1978 book Astro-Naughty! The Secret History of Sexy Mythological Beings and NASA.
Armstrong has called the allegations "ridiculous" but declined to comment further. However, NASA historian Chuck O'Zipwik has published the most complete refutation of Yarfnaro's claims. He points out that
- Yarfnaro's biography of Armstrong erroniously claims that by 1967 Armstrong was a 23rd degree Scottish Rite Freemason, whereas he was 18th degree York Rite.
- Yarfnaro implies that the Trilateral Comission is controlled by reptillian aliens, when in fact it is run by the greys
- Most tellingly, Yarfnaro's claim that Armstrong's pod landed in the Pacific suggests that Armstrong orbited the Earth, whereas such a thing would be beyond the will of God.
Yarfnaro has been unable to respond to these accusations, since he was abducted by the albino monks of the Vatican.
[edit] Notes
- ^ The US Government Disinformation Awards (popularly known as "Addy" awards in honour of Illuminati founder Adam Weisshaupt) are the highest honour the US Shadow Government, Inc. can bestow. They are awarded at the ususal time, at an undisclosed location.
- ^ Of "Professor Blevins and his Baseball Playing Ferrets" fame.
- ^ At this point, Johnson was the most powerful Mason in the world, having murdered JFK according to ancient ritual.
- ^ Amongst Wallach's changes were the introduction of a female astronaut as a love interest (Wallach suggested Anita Ekberg) and a new scene pitting Wallach against "giant moon robots". The robots were deemed "too expensive", while Miss Ekberg was deemed "to hawt to put in a spacesuit".
- ^ The astronaut Michael Collins, not the Liam Neeson one.
- ^ Roles he auditioned for included: a "defector" from the "Soviet Union", a scientist concerned with the "harmful effects" of tobacco, and "President of the USA". The last of these rolls went to another Hollywood second-stringer, Ronald Reagan.
- ^ His most recent roll was as "Tall Fireman" in the NSA production The 9/11 Attacks.
- He was also a very cool guy, so all you ladies out there really missed out now didn't you.
