“The reason why African Americans are good at basketball is that they can run, shoot and steal.”
The Negro Basketball Association was founded in New York, the United States on June 6, 1946, as the National Basketball of America (NBA). The league adopted the name National Basketball Association in the summer of (love) 1969 after merging with their rival competitor, the National Basketballers of Africa. This was due to the Civil Rights Movement disbanding racial segregation. It wasn't until 1973 when the current and final name was established. Around this time, the Harlem Globetrotters arranged a meeting with the international committee of sports. During the meeting, the Globetrotters were able to get the committee to recognize that the racial majority in the NBA were blacks and that they took up 99.7% of the league.
The beginning of the NBA can be traced as far back to the invention of basketball itself. This particular sport was officially created in 1891 as a less dangerous game substitute for darts (during the 19th century, darts were actually blades and the dart board had loud touch-sensitive explosive firecrackers attached, which represented points).
One harsh winter day, a physical education teacher named James Naismith decided to stay home indoors and called his buddies to join him in a game of darts. Unfortunately for James, none of his friends answered his calls due to the fact that he was the only person in his town to even own a telephone. The only other person in the world that had a telephone was Alexander Graham Bell. Bell, an expert darts player, accepted Naismith invitation to play a game. After winning the first game by hitting the bullseye, Bell became increasingly curious as to why the black cherry bomb in the middle centre of the dart board didn't explode (cherry bombs were used as bullseyes during the 1890s). Figuring the bomb to be a dud, Naismith went over and started pulling off all the daggers (darts) in order to start another game. Upon pulling out Bell's winning dagger, Naismith blew off his hand and part of his forearm. Embarrassed, Naismith apologized for his inappropriate display of gore, wrapped up his arm stump and excused himself to the local infirmary (hospital). During his travel home, Bell wrote a belligerent letter to Milton Bradley, demanding that he make his game more safe for consumer use and handling. He also wrote another letter to Naismith accepting his apology and asking if he could invent a significantly more harmless game for their next play date. Attached to the letter inside the envelope was a check for $10 dollars ($50 dollars adjusted for inflation). The money was not meant as damage reparation for his domicile but meant to fund Naismith's entrepreneurial experiment. The profits of which Bell would receive 80 percent of and all rights as a full creator.
Basketball is born, fatherless
Initially, basketball was originally conceived as a simple friendly family game that even the wife and children could participate in. The basic rules started off very primordial and the goal was to be the first to get five points. The player would stand three yards away from a wooden fruit basket suspended 9 feet above the ground and nailed to a wall or street lamp (the basket didn't become bottomless until 1931 when the Attention-Deficit Disorder Union demanded the game be faster). The player would close their eyes and throw the ball with one hand (after Naismith's death in 1939, players were allowed to use both hands). If the ball successfully made it through the basket, the player got to scream "H!" and the game would continue in this fashion until someone was able to spell the word "Horse" first. Eventually, families in the neighbourhood began to play against other families. This eventually led to official city teams playing against other teams outside home cities.
In 1948, the concept of movement around a court came about due to numerous reports of men on opposing teams often fighting about whose turn it was. During most games, players would become so frustrated that they would simply take the ball away from an opposing player and run away with it. The opposing team would chase the thief around in circles until the thief either threw the ball to another player on his team or made a shot, adding a point for his team despite players on the other team yelling "HEY! YOU CAN'T DO THAT! THAT'S ILLEGAL!". Because so many people were playing basketball in this manner (mostly school children), this was eventually incorporated into the game. Incidentally, this is also how the splinter game is known as "Keep Away" was invented.
By 1953, a notable basketball player named Bob Cousy had started a new trend. Cousy would taunt opposing players by hogging the basketball and showing off by bouncing it all over the court. This came to be known as dribbling. It was officially incorporated into the league and sport a year later.
During the summer of 1960, one last innovating revolution took place that would forever shock not only basketball but the American Basketball Association (soon to be NBA). A group of red neck white boys decided to play against a group of
niggers colored black kids that worked at the local gas station, as a joke. The joke backfired and ended up being the biggest mistake of the white race. Two of the young black boys were Bill Russell (6' 11") and Wilt Chamberlain (7'1"). The black boys won against the white guys 7832178390821398021 this shit doesn't even make sense, but they still did it!) to none. 400 years of slave eugenics had paid off for the black race of America. They were now the most superior athletic mutants on the planet. When they entered the NBA, they dominated the courts with their abnormal height and dunking (telekinetic levitation) skills.
The modern game
The NBA has evolved from a sport to sports entertainment. The league consists of six superstar teams, ten competitive teams who exist to give the superstar teams credible opponents and fourteen doormats who exist to give the superstars big wins in front of their home crowds. Each superstar team has one good player. League rules forbid more than one good player on a team because its unfair for a superstar like Kobe Bryant to have to share the spotlight with anyone. However, that changed in 2010 when Commissioner David Stern desperately needed money from ticket sales, so he sent the entire Eastern Conference All-Star team to the Miami Heat.
The NBA plays a series of 82 warmup games with all thirty teams. At the end of the warmup schedule, half the doormat teams in the NBA cease operations to save money. The rest play a series of exhibition games with the superstar teams against the competitive teams. After that, a popularity poll is conducted among the superstar players and the winner is made NBA champion.
The role of the NBA referee is complicated. They are responsible for the game for coming up with the game storyline and script. They have to ensure the game ends with the correct result, that any superstars on the court are able to put together their highlight reels and that the players on the court know their places. The NBA referee ensures correct results in the game by handicapping players. Teams and players who do not follow the script for the game as it has been laid out by the referees are given penalties to correct their behaviour. Superstars who might be having a bad night, especially LeBron James, are given help by the referees.
Players and Positions
Superstar: An arrogant ball-hog whose role in the game is to sell merchandise and create a highlight reel for themselves after every game. There can only be one per team and they don't have to be any good (Stephon Marbury or Vince Carter). The referees are to guarantee certain points and stats for the superstar. (LeBron James)
Ghetto Fabulous: A second-rate player who entertains by their presence. This player has to know how to act out in public and act like uneducated trash. He needs a good story like having ten children or growing up in a bad place. He also needs to occasionally get caught running a dogfight, stealing cell phones or choking out his coach. What they do on the court doesn't matter. It doesn't even matter if they play in games. (Metta World Peace)
Shaq: Get a big guy who is slow and unathletic. Put him under the basket. His role is to push, shove and foul his way to the basket to score or to goaltend. Under the rules of the game, anyone playing the Shaq position on the court is evaluated by the referees according to a different standard. (Dwight Howard)
Coach: Get a guy who owns a suit. His role is to stand around during games. The only rule is that he should never directly talk to the players. (Erik Spoelstra)
Court Filler: A guy who knows his place. His role on the court is to pass the ball to the superstar and not to attract any attention to themselves. However, his main role is to provide the superstar his water, towel, and warm-up uniform while riding on the bench. (Luke Walton)
In the 50 year history of the NBA, there have been many great moments worthy of mention. But instead, we'll focus on the most infamous.
The Detroit Massacre
On November 19th, 2004 at the Palace of Auburn Hills in Detroit, Michigan, a notorious NBA game took place. This game, also known as the Pacers-Pistons brawl or the Malice at the Palace, would shake the wild world of sports and forever live in infamy. The Indiana Pacers played against the Detroit Pistons at their home court and seemed to have the obligatory crowd-cheering inducing motivation advantage on their side.
But things were starting to look good for Indiana at the end of the third quarter. Eventually, with only a few seconds left in the fourth quarter, the Pacers had successfully maintained a 15 point lead. This did not please Ron Artest. When Ben Wallace ran to make a basket, Artest walked over and gently pulled down Wallace's shorts while he was in mid-air. Momentarily confused, Wallace wasn't sure what was going on until he came back down to the floor and heard Artest making a rude comment about his ass, after slapping it. Wallace responded by snapping his fingers and only allowing Artest to communicate to his hand (Wallace's face had difficulty understanding). Disgusted, Ron Artest made his way over to the commentators' table with a visible attitude in his walk and demanded that he be given some exclusive airtime in order to gossip about Wallace. A fan in the audience stands went down and splashed his beverage in Artest's face for being so tacky. This shocked Ron Artest and in a violent rage, he punched the shit out of that house nigga that was sitting next to the beverage-thrower for some reason. The Piston didn't take a fancy to this, I mean this was their house after all and was just disrespectful to the home-owners, so the Pistons did what any normal people would do and started stomping those pussy bitches.
This led to a riot that lasted 4 hours, killing 60 people and leaving 23 injured.
The Utah Jizz became the first team in the NBA to have a fully white team. This broke NBA rules and they were forced to recruit two black players to sit on the bench. Today, the team is almost completely white. Since black people are not allowed to live in the state of Utah the recruits are bussed in daily from neighbouring states.
The Eastern (a.k.a. "Leastern") Conference
- Titanic Division
- T-Mobile Division
- Hurricane Division
⁺ - relocated to WNBA in 2011
Western Conference (a.k.a. "Bestern") Conference
(The winner of this conference is awarded the NBA title by default.)
- Lenovo Division
- Southwest Airlines Division
- McDonald's Division
- Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, actor in Airplane.
- Charles Barkley, the
phattestfattest player in the league at almost 750 pounds.
- Larry "Flip the" Bird, the only white American who is good at basketball.[Citation not needed at all; thank you very much]
- Kobe Bryant, Greatest Jordan Imitator of All-Time, next to Vince Carter and Harold Miner.
- Wilt Chamberlain, claimed to have had sex with over six million men, women, children, and animals during the course of his career.
- Tim Duncan, famous for being a very exciting player to watch and forgetting ejected while laughing on the bench.
- Julius Erving, John Havlicek, & Oscar Robertson, mentioned to appease angry Baby Boomers.
- Patrick Ewing, singer and dancer with such hits “Get Outta My Dreams (Get Into My Car)” and “Caribbean Queen”.
- Allen Iverson, due to his short stature and excellent athletic shoe salesmanship, Iverson is exempt from the dribbling rule. Best known for his stint with the Grizzlies backing up Mike Conley.
- LeBron James, sidekick to Chris Bosh and Juwan Howard on the 2011 Eastern Conference Champion Miami Heat.
- Magic Johnson, insert HIV joke here.
- Michael Jordan, famous shoe designer, led Wizards to back-to-back 37 win seasons, finished second to Jerry Stackhouse in team PPG in 2002-03 at 20 points per game.
- Karl Malone, legendary Lakers power forward. Nicknamed "The Mailman" during his brief stint with the Jazz to circumvent Utah labour laws prohibiting African-Americans from holding non-service jobs.
- Stephon Marbury, Olympic bronze medalist and discount clothing designer. Known to himself as Starbury. Betrayed by every coach and ball-hog whoever shared his court. Believed to be forming a two-man basketball league with Kobe Bryant.
- Kevin McHale, first wheelchair-bound player to play in the NBA; now has a feature role in the FOX television show "Glee".
- George Mikan, an only professional player in NBA prior to 1960.
- Hakeem Olajuwon, with his muscular build and soft touch, Olajuwon was nicknamed “The Wet Dream” by David Stern.
- Shaquille O'Neal, the only person on Earth who can shatter the backboard with a free throw.
- Bill Russell, won 11 NBA championships and is a "smug asshole" according to everybody who wasn't on his team.
- Brian Scalabrine, while his career was cut short to frequent sunburns during indoor basketball games, Scalabrine dominated the league throughout the 2000s and even led the Celtics to a championship in 2008.
- Latrell Sprewell, 1997 NBA Sportsman of the Year after saving his coach, Pedro Juan Carlesimo, from choking on an In-N-Out Burger during a Golden State Warriors game. Later, as a member of the Timberwolves, Sprewell took a pay cut (for the love of the game) and pronounced that with his meagre veteran's minimum salary that he had "a world to feed". Sprewell now tours middle schools giving speeches about abstinence with former NBA superstar, A.C. Green.
- John Stockton, last player to wear volleyball shorts in an NBA game.
- Isiah Thomas, nicknamed the "Bad Boy" after a 1987 sexual encounter with David Stern.
- Jerry West, wait that silhouette isn’t Michael Jordan's?
- Yao Ming, a robot built by Red China and sold to the Houston Rocket Scientists. Yao breaks frequently, as most Communist products do.
- Phil Jackson coached the Chicago Bulls to a three-peat (1991-93); he followed this with a successful two-year stint with the Houston Rockets, where he won two more titles (1994, 95); he returned to the Bulls in 1995, winning another three-peat (1996-98); he then coached the San Antonio Spurs to a single title in 1999; he moved on to the Los Angeles Lakers, where he won three straight titles (2000-02); Jackson returned to the Spurs, winning it all in 2003; Jackson won a championship with the Detroit Pistons in 2004 before returning to the Spurs yet again to win it all in 2005; Jackson followed this with a one-year stint with the Miami Heat, winning it all in 2006; Jackson won his final championship with Spurs in 2007 before coaching the Boston Celtics to a title in 2008. In 2009, the main floor of the new Boston Garden was renamed in Jackson's honour, before returning to back to the Los Angeles Lakers, where he won two more championships.
- Nostradamus coached the Utah "Lazertits" for 11 seasons where he won 11 championships, 11 coaches of the year awards and prevented 100% of the opposing teams' field goals, often yelling out what play they were going to run before they knew they were going to run it. Was relieved of his job after 11 seasons by NBA commissioner Zeus who stated that it was deemed unfair for Nostradamus to continue coaching at the NBA level due to him being able to "predict the future and shit".
- Dr. James Naismith coached the now-defunct Springfield Ball Club. In 1981, his title of "creator of basketball" was stripped from him on the grounds that he was a Caucasian. In 2010 he has dug up to coach the last place New Jersey Nets. They finished with a 9-120 record with Naismith playing himself at Small Forward. After the Firing of Naismith, the team now plans a relocation including a name change to the Crooklyn Niggas.
- Gregg Popovich has coached the San Antonio Spurs since 1997, in constant search of "nasty". He admitted to his players in a playoff game that he "wanted some nasty". Before receiving numerous doses of the aforementioned "nasty" from his players, Popovich was known as the most honest coach in the NBA, always judging the attire of the sideline reporters and explaining how stupid their questions were.
- Erik Spoelstra is a person who is commonly mistaken for a coach, due to sitting in a suit courtside during every single Miami Heat game.
Prior to Bird and Magic joining the NBA, the league was dominated by blacks with 'fros in the '70s and short white men in tight green shorts in the '60s. In the'50s, there was one professional basketball player named George Michael. A significant amount of championships prior to 1980 were won by "teams" rather than individual players.
Bird & Magic
During the '80s, the league was dominated by Magic's Showtime and Bird's Big Three, where they met in epic seven game series every year from 1980 to 1987, except 1983. Every game seven was won by a buzzer-beater by either Bird or Magic.
|1988||Magic||4–3||The Bad Boys|
|1989||The Bad Boys||4–0||Magic|
|1990||The Bad Boys||4–1||Clyde the Glide|
During the Jordan era, Jordan/Pippen won the title every year MJ played except during the Jordan baseball years. The Dream titles are generally viewed with an asterisk by even league officials due to this fact. In fact, The Dream nickname for Hakeem Olajuwon was derived from a David Stern's "it was all a horrible dream" statement upon MJ's return. Every Jordan/Pippen title was won in a sweep. Had Jordan retired in 1991 after his first NBA championship, superstars such as Chuck, Ewing, Rain Man, Stockton/Malone, and Miller Time would have all won championships
|1992||Jordan/Pippen||4–0||Clyde the Glide|
|1994||The Dream1 (Jordan/Pippen)||4–3||Ewing|
|1995||The Dream1 (Jordan/Pippen)||4–0||Shaq/Penny|
1Jordan retired in 1993. If he had not, this championship would have been won by Jordan/Pippen.
|1999||TD/Admiral||4–1||Knicks minus Ewing|
The current era began with the revival of the Big Three and re-emergence of Kobe on the championship stage.
|2008||The New Big Three||4–0||Kobe (Pau)|
|2009||Kobe (Pau)||4–0||Superman (New)|
|2010||Kobe (Pau)||4–3||The New Big Three|
|2011||Dirk||4–0||Super Friends (preseason champion)|
|2014||NBA All-International Team||4–1||Lebron and some other guys from NBDL|