Negro Basketball Association
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“¡JODER!”
~ Ricky Rubio on being drafted by Minnesota
“The reason why African Americans are good at basketball is because they can run, shoot and steal.”
~ Don Imus on the NBA
“Hey! THAT'S RACIST!”
~ Al Sharpton on Imus
“...Aww shit. I'm sorry. What I meant to say was that black people are poor. No, I mean nappy headed...FUCK!”
~ Imus on Sharpton's response
“White women / where amazing happens / reparations baby! etc.”
~ LeBron James on every black athlete's opinion of big breasted white women
“The NBA has its own set of rules that breaks the law, which costs us billions of dollars from taxpayers”
~ The FBI on David Stern and President Bush
The National Bullshit Association was founded in New York, United States on June 6, 1946 as the National Basketball of America (NBA). The league adopted the name National Basketball Association in the summer of (love) 1969 after merging with their rival competitor, the National Basketballers of Africa. This was due to the Civil Rights Movement disbanding racial segregation. It wasn't until 1973 when the current and final name was established. Around this time, the Harlem Globetrotters arranged a meeting with the international committee of sports. During the meeting, the Globetrotters were able to get the committee to recognize that the racial majority in the NBA were blacks and that they took up 99.7% of the league.
Contents |
[edit] History
The beginning of the NBA can be traced as far back to the invention of basketball itself. This particular sport was officially created in 1891 as a less dangerous game substitute for darts (during the 19th century, darts were actually blades and the dart board had loud touch-sensitive explosive firecrackers attached, which represented points).
One harsh winter day, a physical education teacher named James Naismith decided to stay home indoors and called his buddies to join him in a game of darts. Unfortunately for James, none of his friends answered his calls due to the fact that he was the only person in his town to even own a telephone. The only other person in the world that had a telephone was Alexander Graham Bell. Bell, an expert darts player, accepted Naismith invitation to play a game. After winning the first game by hitting the bullseye, Bell became increasingly curious as to why the black cherry bomb in the middle center of the dart board didn't explode (cherry bombs were used as bullseyes during the 1890s). Figuring the bomb to be a dud, Naismith went over and started pulling off all the daggers (darts) in order to start another game. Upon pulling out Bell's winning dagger, Naismith blew off his hand and part of his forearm. Embarrassed, Naismith apologized for his inappropriate display of gore, wrapped up his arm stump and excused himself to the local infirmary (hospital). During his travel home, Bell wrote a belligerent letter to Milton Bradley, demanding that he make his game more safe for consumer use and handling. He also wrote another letter to Naismith accepting his apology and asking if he could invent a significantly more harmless game for their next play date. Attached to the letter inside the envelope was a check for $10 dollars ($50 dollars adjusted for inflation). The money was not meant as damage reparation for his domicile, but meant to fund Naismith's entrepreneurial experiment. The profits of which Bell would receive 80 percent of and all rights as full creator.
Alexander Graham Bell was a savvy Republican businessman and James Naismith was a dumb jock who died pennyless.
Initially, basketball was originally conceived as a simple friendly family game that even the wife and children could participate in. The basic rules started off very primordial and the goal was to be the first to get five points. The player would stand three yards away from a wooden fruit basket suspended 9 feet above the ground and nailed to a wall or street lamp (the basket didn't become bottomless until 1931 when the Attention-Deficit Disorder Union demanded the game be faster). The player would close their eyes and throw the ball with one hand (after Naismith's death in 1939, players were allowed to use both hands). If the ball successfully made it through the basket, the player got to scream "H!" and the game would continue in this fashion until someone was able to spell the word "Horse" first. Eventually, families in the neighborhood began to play against other families. This eventually led to official city teams playing against other teams outside home cities.
In 1948, the concept of movement around a court came about due to numerous reports of men on opposing teams often fighting about whose turn it was. During most games, players would become so frustrated that they would simply take the ball away from an opposing player and run away with it. The opposing team would chase the thief around in circles until the thief either threw the ball to another player on his team or made a shot, adding a point for his team despite players on the other team yelling "HEY! YOU CAN'T DO THAT! THAT'S ILLEGAL!". Because so many people were playing basketball in this manner (mostly school children), this was eventually incorporated into the game. Incidentally, this is also how the splinter game known as "Keep Away" was invented.
By 1953, a notable basketball player named Bob Cousy had started a new trend. Cousy would taunt opposing players by hogging the basketball and showing off by bouncing it all over the court. This came to be known as dribbling. It was officially incorporated into the league and sport a year later.
During the summer of 1960, one last innovating revolution took place that would forever shock not only basketball but the American Basketball Association (soon to be NBA). A group of red neck white boys decided to play against a group of niggers colored black kids that worked at the local gas station, as a joke. The joke backfired and ended up being the biggest mistake of the white race. Two of the young black boys were Bill Russell (6' 11") and Wilt Chamberlain (7'1"). The black boys won against the white guys 783217839082139df8021sdv(this shit doesn't even make sense, but they still did it!) to none. 400 years of slave eugenics had paid off for the black race of America. They were now the most superior athletic mutants on the planet. When they entered the NBA, they dominated the courts with their abnormal height and dunking (telekinetic levitation) skills.
[edit] The modern game
The NBA has evolved from a sport to sports entertainment. The league consists of six superstar teams, ten competitive teams who exist to give the superstar teams credible opponents and fourteen doormats who exist to give the superstars big wins in front of their home crowds. Each superstar team has one good player. League rules forbid more than one good player on a team because its unfair for a superstar like Kobe Bryant to have to share the spotlight with anyone.
The NBA plays a series of 80 warmup games with all thirty teams. At the end of the warmup schedule, half the doormat teams in the NBA cease opertions to save money. The rest play a series of exhibition games with the superstar teams against the competitive teams. After that, a popularity poll is conducted among the superstar players and the winner is made NBA champion.
The role of the NBA referee is complicated. They are responsible before the game for coming up with the game storyline and script. They have to ensure the game ends with the correct result, that any superstars on the court are able to put together their highlight reels and that the players on the court know their places. The NBA referee ensures correct results in the game by handicapping players. Teams and players who do not follow the script for the game as it has been laid out by the referees are given penalties to correct their behavior. Superstars who might be having a bad night are given help by the referees.
[edit] Players and Positions
Superstar: An arrogant ball-hog whose role in the game is to sell merchandise and create a highlight reel for themselves after every game. There can only be one per team and they don't have to be any good (See Stephon Marbury and Vince Carter ). The referees are to guarantee certain points and stats for the superstar.
Ghetto Fabulous: A second-rate player who entertains by their presence. This player has to know how to act out in public and act like uneducated trash. He needs a good story like having ten children or growing up in a bad place. He also needs to occasionally get caught running a dogfight, stealing cellphones or choking out his coach. What they do on the court doesn't matter. It doesn't even matter if they play in games.
Shaq: Get a big guy who is slow and unathletic. Put him under the basket. His role is to push, shove and foul his way to the basket to score or to goaltend. Under the rules of the game, anyone playing the Shaq position on the court is evaluated by the referees according to a different standard.
Poster: Emloyed purely to stand in the key and get dunked on every single possession, a notable example is Yao Ming, who even though standing tallest in the league, could be the biggest pussy.
Coach: Get a guy who owns a suit. His role is to stand around during games. The only rule is that he should never directly talk to the players.
Court Filler: A guy who knows his place. His role is to get the ball to the superstar and not to attract any attention to themselves.
[edit] Fun fact
The early days of the NBA, the ethnic/racial/national (whatever) majority of the teams were originally Jewish. Yea, that's right. The Brooklyn Israelites, the Detroit Palestinians, the New York Canaans and the South Philly Hebrews. OY VEY. The sports writers of the day when everyone was racist and can get away with it said the "Jewish athletes were smart", basketball is an intellectual sport for a race deemed "weaker" than the Irishmen from Boston (they were the Celtics). But the number of practicing Jews on NBA team rosters declined after World War II.
[edit] Historic Incidents
In the 50 year history of the NBA, there have been many great moments worthy of mention. But instead, we'll focus on the most infamous.
[edit] The Detroit Massacre
On November 19th, 2004 at the Palace of Auburn Hills in Detroit, Michigan, a notorious NBA game took place. This game, also known as the Pacers-Pistons brawl or the Malice at the Palace, would shake the wild world of sports and forever live in infamy. The Indiana Pacers played against the Detroit Pistons at their home court and seemed to have the obligatory crowd-cheering inducing motivation advantage on their side. But things were starting to look good for Indiana at the end of the third quarter. Eventually, with only a few seconds left in the fourth quarter, the Pacers had successfully maintained a 15 point lead. This did not please Ron Artest. When Ben Wallace ran to make a basket, Artest walked over and gently pulled down Wallace's shorts while he was in mid-air. Momentarily confused, Wallace wasn't sure what was going on until he came back down to the floor and heard Artest making a rude comment about his ass, after slapping it. Wallace responded by snapping his fingers and only allowing Artest to communicate to his hand (Wallace's face had difficulty understanding). Disgusted, Ron Artest made his way over to the commentators table with a visible attitude in his walk and demanded that he be given some exclusive air time in order to gossip about Wallace. A fan in the audience stands went down and splashed his beverage in Artest's face for being so tacky. This shocked Ron Artest and in a violent rage, he punched the shit out of that house nigga that was sitting next to the beverage-thrower for some reason. The Piston didn't take a fancy to this, I mean this was their house after all and was just disrespectful to the home-owners, so the Pistons did what any normal people would do and started stomping those pussy bitches. This led to a riot that lasted 4 hours, killing 60 people and leaving 23 injured.
[edit] Cheerleaders
Cheerleaders consist of Mikeal Pawly's Mom, and Stephane Ernst. Former "F(L)aker girl" Paula Abdul was a groupie and cheerleader for the L.A. Lakers. She knew Magic Johnson, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar and the rest "intimately". Today, the L.A. Clippers are yo' bitches who regularly taunt the fellow Laker girls in an immature and unsportslady-like way. Note half of them end up pregnant by the end of the season, another half join the WNBA team rosters. Note: "Does she have a basketball in her outfit? Nah...but I like pregos anyway".
[edit] Utah Controversy
The Utah Spazz became the first team in the NBA to have a fully white team. This broke NBA rules and they were forced to recruit two black players to sit on the bench. Today, the team is almost completely white. Since black people are not allowed to live in the state of Utah the recruits are bussed in daily from neighboring states.
[edit] Former NBA Player admits he plays for the other team ("Other Team" is used as a metaphor for being of the gay persuasion)
Former NBA player John Amaechi admitted to a TMZ magazine that during his tenure as NBA player he was a raging, fucking ass-grabbing, cock magnet, ass exploring, jock-strap smell tester, Freddy Mercury fan, hotdog to pencil touching, wine enthusiasts, like the movie rocky horror picture show, Tyler Perry watching, Man-on-Man technique studying, I am on top bitch, exotic animal owner, dick collector, John Waters Fan club President, Catholic Priest, was from the providence of Butt Faggeton, Vaganaly Challenge, Ass-hole hair trimmer, Don Zimmer, vegetarian, ValeDICKtorian of is college, Men show choir, teacher of Defense against Vag at HOGwarts, cock predator. Enya listening, explosion in the face, gay and any other homsexual expression or words you could think of. He was raped by Kobe Bryant.
[edit] Teams
[edit] The Eastern (a.k.a. Leastern) Conference
- Titanic Division
- Boston Leprechauns
- New Jersey Nuts
- New York Niggabockers
- Philadelphia 69ers
- Toronto Craptors
- T-Mobile Division
- Hurricane Division
- Atlanta Cocks
- Charlotte Poopcats
- Miami Cold
- Orlando Mickey Mouses
- Washington Gizards
[edit] Western Conference (a.k.a. "Bestern") Conference
(The winner of this conference is awarded the NBA title by default.)
- Lenovo Division
- Denver Chicken Nuggets
- Minnesota Timbertrees
- Portland Jail Blazers
- Oklahoma City Bombers
- Utah Jizz
- Southwest Airlines Division
- Dallas McCain/Palin Mavericks
- Houston Ruckus
- Memphis Gritslies
- New Orleans Hornys
- San Antonio Spiky Things That Are on Cowboy Boots
- McDonald's Division
- Golden State Whorriors
- Los Angeles Crippled (a.k.a. "I Didn't Know L.A. Had a Second Team")
- Los Angeles Fakers
- Phoenix Guns (undefeated since 1926, since they shoot every team dead before the first quarter ends)
- Sacramento Queers
[edit] Famous Players
- Owing to his short stature and excellent athletic shoe salesmanship, Allen Iverson is waived from the dribbling rule.
- Steve Nash is Canadian....because he OWNS.
- Basketball Jones (I got a Basketball Jones, oh baby, ooh-ooo-ooh!)
- Larry "Flip the" Bird, the only white American who is good at basketball.[Citation not needed at all; thank you very much]
- Shaquille O'Neal, the only person on Earth who can shatter the backboard with a free throw.
- Wilt Chamberlain claimed to have had sex with over 6 million men, women, and children during the course of his career.
- Bill Russell won 11 NBA championships and is a "smug asshole" according to everybody who wasn't on his team.
- Magic Johnson has AIDS. He is 1000% straight.
- Charles Barkley, the
phattestfattest player in the league at almost 750 pounds.- Jerome James, the league's reigning fattest player.
- Bo Jackson played professionally in 12 different sports and loves Anderson Cooper because he has eyes that say “I’m nice but naughty too."
- Tim Duncan, the world's biggest window cleaner. Hits all his shots off the backboard. He is from the Virgin Islands, and is still a virgin.
- Kobe Bryant is the player, coach, president, and owner of the Los Angeles Kobe Bryants (formerly known as the Los Angeles Lakers, until they realized there were no lakes in LA) He is the only player on the team, and the KB's are the only one player team in the NBA. Kobe Bryant has also won the MVP award 3 times in his career(2005, 2006, and 2007) since he scores over 100,000 points per season. He also pays the refs before every game so he is never called for any violations.
- Jordan Farmar is the only NBA player known to have Dumbo ears (which allow him to dunk much more easily).
- Raja Bell is the flopping actor that likes to fall around courts. He has won 4 consecutive years for best acting award. (he was nominated in 2007 but lost to Anderson Varejao )
- Stephon Marbury - Olympic bronze medalist and discount clothing designer. Known to himself as Starbury. So great a player that the NBA should let him give exhibitions on the court alone. People don't come for the games, they come to see Starbury being Starbury. Betrayed by every coach and ball-hog who ever shared his court. Defender of Michael Vick and dogfighting. Believed to be forming a two-man basketball league with Kobe Bryant.
- Yao Ming, a robot built by Red China and sold to the Houston Rocket Scientists. Yao breaks frequently, as most Communist products do.
- Tony Parker: Awesome because he is married to Eva Longoria.
- Chris Paul, who exploded in 1372.
