Negotiation

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search
Smugbastard

That's right! I got a face you can trust! Now let's talk turkey.

An article on negotiation, huh? I see... Well, I'm not willing to let go of this one that easily. My lawyers reckon I have some few million articles within my company stocks, one of which is the same one that you're looking for. Also did I mention I'm in the top ten richest people in the world? It'll definitely be interesting to see what you could possibly offer me.

I use italics a lot, just to stress each word and it's importance. Sure, the flow in my words ain't great, nor is my dyslexia helping out much, but the way I speak... It's like the power of God slithering out of my vocal chords as I speak my booming voice! Graphic speech helps too, y'know? Anyway... My point is... I influence people. Why, I could talk a crying woman and her screaming kids into staying in a burning building, rather than call for help. Which is probably why my ex-wife don't talk to me no more and the court prevents me from seeing my children, but that's business! I have a schedule. My life is the cashflow of wallets to the markets to the stock exchange to my banks. Including the ones in Switzerland that my ex-wife never knew of, but that's not important! My family can't interfere! Not even them! And certainly not you.

So my point stands, I ain't gonna let go of this article that easily buddy.

edit You got this far, huh?

Abasketoflawyers

Who? Them? No, I don't use them for negotiations at all!

Still here? You got chutzpah, my friend (I learned that little word there in a book I read recently! Books are so... Vocab warming). I bet you got some powerful reasons for your current... Stance. Well they'll be no match for my assets: my powerful influence that emanates from my great voice. Maybe some harsher talks are in order here, huh? Listen: the only real reason you're here is to keep my ermine-skin boots clean of all the crap on the stre-

Wait... Hang on a minute... You... You're shrewd, you are! You're still here, literally pummelling the article out of me! God, how are you doing that? I mean... Hang on, I gotta talk to my lawyers, uh representatives of my accounts, y'know? Uh, hang on. WHAT THE FUCK DO I PAY YOU FOR YOU FAT FUCKS!? WERE YOU FUCKERS BORN BLIND, OR CAN'T YOU SEE WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING HERE? AT LEAST STOP HIM READING MY ARTICLE! GO FIND A FUCKING LEGAL LOOPHOLE OR SOME SHIT! FUCKING DAMMIT TO HELL! Back! I must apologise for that outburst in the next room, it looks like my friend Weinstein forgot some papers again! Ain't that right!? You fucking piece of circumcised shit?

Anyway... Looks like you're breaking even, breaking ground, my good friend. Not that I'm breaking down! I'll breakout, I'll breakout. Out of this... Shit...

edit Heh heh...

Gunningforanegotiation

Huh? These? No, I don't use these for negotiations at all!

Well, let's take a quick... uh, break, shall we? Heh. Let's talk about how we think the talks are progressing. I mean, are you happy? You better be. As for me, I think it's going great! Fantasticly great, in fact. I don't even think I could come off so much more beneficial in a deal than this! It's like selling fools gold! Not to you though! Obviously! Like, the pair of us, literally SELLING fools gold to other fools!

Listen here - me and you, we could be the real deal! I'm not kidding! My assets plus my money, plus YOUR great presence equals... Well, the whole damn world's gonna hafta look out for us, right!? Seriously! We could do this and take this shit down! All of it! I wouldn't need my lawyers anymore - look! I'm writing them each a letter telling they're all sacked imminently - 'Y'... 'O'... 'U'... 'R'... 'E'... 'F'... 'I'... 'R'... 'D'...? Yeah, that's right. And... Sent! All gone! Just us, buddy!

Uh... You don't want in? Geez, I really set myself back right there! Literally... (I love that word... literally. Glad I read that book) hinging on you accepting that merger deal. But you really sure? Oh, then you just want the article? Huh. Fine. I'll put the heat back on, shall I? You're never getting what you want. Not even from my cold, dead hands.

edit Alright, listen here

I will offer everything. The accounts, the stocks, the banks, the funds, the housing estates, the properties... Even... Even my kids future college funds! Everything! I literally mean, everything. To please, make you not do this to me! Look, look - this golden rolex, see it? It's yours! This custom-fitted Armani suit? It's yours too! I've got a Bugatti Veyron parked outside too - look! The keys! It's all yours! ... And still all you want is the god-damn freaking article!?

Yeah, well... You're still not taking it from me! I worked my whole life, slaved all over America for it! Christ, man! 27 years I been in this business and not one single entrepreneur, not one single fucking bastard in my path, has beaten me at the game of the English language! Now everything crumbles around me!

Fine! You can take everything I have, but you know what's stronger than my money!? My pride! I'm gonna take my own life from the edge of this very building! Negotiate with me now, buddy!

edit I'm gonna do it!

Jump-20off-20a-20building-small

I'm not going to sit around watching my bank balance plummet!

Hey! Hey! Don't think I'm lying or anything! I'm gonna jump! If my life's work is gonna be taken, I'm going with it! I don't care about monetary values, or shares or any other mercantile maths crap! I don't even care about trying to convince my ex-wife that her boyfriend is a no-good, biker junkie, and trying to get my kids back for at least one weekend a month. No, they don't matter anymore. I don't have anything left to live for! You took this all away from me! By twisting your words, abusing the English language for your own weaponry, devastating my influence!

Oh dear God, my beautiful voice! What did you do to me?

Dammit! You only ever keep kicking when the man's down, dontcha!? Well... Guess what! I'm glad! In fact, too glad! To be kicking myself out of this hellhole of a world full of bastards like you! Yeah, you! I'm gonna jump off this building and NOBODY, I repeat, nobody is gonna talk me out of it!

edit Okay... I'll calm down...

TheCrocodileHunter2

I'll make you an offer you can't refuse for your pond - oh wait, I'm supposed to be hunting them, aren't I.

Look... You're right, my friend... Your silence says it all. There are better things in life than to... Whittle it away exerting my great influence... No! I must get over it! Negotiations aren't everything! Even talking about money. Or even property and the rises of stocks. Jesus, why'd I become a merchant in the first place? It's a waste of my life! I'm giving this up. I'm gonna take the next boat to the Outback and become a crocodile hunter! Yeah! That's a man's life! Watching my bank balance go up and up and up is tedious and stuffy and boring! Crocodile hunting and drinking Fosters and kissing Sheilas and listening to INXS and overusing conjunctions is the life for me! Thanks for convincing me to make this decision!

What's this article thing I'm on anyway? Here - take it! I'm off. G'day mate!

Personal tools
projects