Nectar loyalty cards

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The Nectar Loyalty Card was forged in secret by the dark lord Sauron in the fires of Mount Doom, but per chance it fell into the hands of one J Sainsbury, who upon discovering such a marvellous artifact, set about using it to conquer the world we know as Great Britain, via the use of supermarkets and later petrol stations. As his influence grew J Sainsbury became callous and paid little caution to the power the ring possesed, the power of the card was corrupted and all benefits of the card were lost, replaced by things that you quite frankly aren't good enough for wiping one's anus with.


The name Nectar Loyalty Card, comes from the Phonecian for the stuff that comes out of an anus during the act of rimming, it's usage can be traced back to a speech by the Phonecian King Hiram, referring to the goings on between Oscar Wilde and the Israeli King Solomon.
“ Upon my hearing, dear subjects, of the Nectar dribbling down the throat of dear Mr Wilde, One was not shocked, One was pleased, however i am not here to speak of my good friend One, I am hear to explain to you, that I, in fact, have a problem with my bowels, this means that whenever I familirise myself with the drainage system of my palace known as a Toilet, Nectar doth dribble from my backside”
~ King Hiram

Famous Users

Grognak the Barbarian

Harold Pinter


Michael Jackson

“ The Nectar card would never hurt anyone, it's beautiful and innocent, your just all ignorant”

Marlon Brando

Paul Floyd

Prince Philip

“ Hang on, you're telling me that this bit of plastic will get me a free ride at Thorpe Park?”
~ Prince Phillip

Alan Shearer

“ I like to roob vaseline all over it and then shove it up the fanny of an unsuspecting toddler”

Muhammad the Prophet Superstar

“ That bitch forgot to get me my Nectar points, now how will I be able to organise my bundles without the aide of the free Nectar separators?”
~ M dog himself

Record Nectar Point Holders

1. Heath Ledger - 40,000,000 uncashed points attained at the Pharmacy section

2. Muhammad the Prophet Superstar - 20,546,000 cashed points gained in the Pet Food aisle

3. Naomi Campbell - approx 1,000,000 cashed points in the Crush an African Child's Dream department

4. Gandhi - 700,000 uncashed points from the Xerox stall

5. Oscar Wilde - 300,000 uncashed points on whatever the fuck he wants

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