Necro-Deth Cannibals from Hell

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Napalmphile
Photograph of the lead singer, Napalmphile. It may have been doctored.
“After I listened to their music, my ears hurt.”
~ Captain Obvious on Necro-Deth Cannibals from Hell
“You know, I think they might be kinda hardcore.”
~ Captain Understatement on Necro-Deth Cannibals from Hell
“WE COME FROM HELL!!!!”
~ Necro-Deth Cannibals from Hell on themselves

Necro-Deth Cannibals from Hell is a death metal band who's members actually come from hell, at least according to the band.[1] The band was formed in 2008, on election day, when the gates of hell flung wide open. Contrary to popular opinion, Satan himself is not part of the band; the Prince of Darkness chooses to remain in the role of manager. Necro-Deth Cannibals from Hell consists of Napalmphile, Pus Blister, Nail Enafronalobe, Stryking Corpse, and Todd.

The band's style has so eluded description that a new word had to be created for the purpose: Horrifucious. Since their sudden emergence, the band has enjoyed moderate success. While most people find their music too horrifucious, an underground movement has swelled of those who feel the music is just horrifucious enough.

As yet only one album has been released, Grief of a Rotting Sadist. This album sold well amongst its loyal fans, but failed to achieve massive success. Three hits were produced from this effort: Broken Dead, Acid Mouth Wash, and Eating Babies Gives Me Bad Breath. After the 2010 Summer Tour, they began working on a split album with fellow death metallers Rectal Prolapse, called Rectal Necro-Deth. It was scheduled for release in 2011, but with the breakup of Rectal Prolapse, the effort has been delayed.

History

Death83
Fans trying to emulate Necro-Deth's first performance.

They rose to public attention when they spontaneously gave a free concert in New York City's Central Park at midnight November 9, 2008. The effectiveness of this concert has left many puzzled, as there was no stage, electricity, or even an audience. Nevertheless, this concert has been viewed as a holy event by the most devoted of Necro-Deth fans, who put it on the same spiritual level as Woodstock. Immediately after this concert, the band members ran out and ate several homeless people, leading to the inclusion of the word "Cannibals" in their name. This is also viewed as an important event by fans, as without it they would simply be called Necro-Deth from Hell, which, according to one vocal fan, "Just isn't as awesome, you know."

Little is known about the band prior to their emergence on election night. In spite of repeated attempts by reporters to gain interviews with the band, the mouths of all involved remain closed, except for the repeated claim that the band hails from the Fiery Pit.[2] This claim is, as yet, unsubstantiated. Nevertheless, the loyal followers of the group accept it as fact,[3] and since no one has been able to prove otherwise, it has become a virtual fact.

Since their emergence their following has steadily grown until they were finally able to start charging for their concerts.

2010 Summer Concert Tour

Crazyfatkid
One of the fans at the Hell, Michigan tour stop.

The summer tour began on June 6th, 2010, giving the date 6/6/10. The band would have preferred 6/6/06, but they were a little late; and even though Napalmphile very angrily suggested that they go back in time to 2006, no one, not even the Prince of Darkness, can make that happen.

The first stop on the tour was Hell, Michigan, and while the band had not yet released a schedule, it was known that the tour would end in Detroit, Michigan. Some were at first confused by this news, as they thought that Detroit and Hell are the same place. More than half of Hell, Michigan came to see the band; this isn't as impressive as it sounds, as the population of Hell is only around 250 people. It was a particularly tragic event, and by that we're not referring to the music. During the final song of the concert, bassist Pus Blister became very excited and attempted to stage dive into the crowd. He is a very large man, a very very large man. While the actual stage dive was successful, the people caught under his grotesque flabbiness were unable to support his weight. They were crushed, and not figuratively. Pus Blister, however, was just fine, as he had a cushioned landing. When asked if they had any regrets over the loss of these fans, the band replied that this is likely how they would've wanted to die: trying to support the band.

Another stop in a small town near Death Valley, California also led to the deaths of fans in attendance. The tragedy occured as a result of drummer Stryking Corpse's decision to sharpen the tips of his drumsticks to fine points. As the concert drew to a close, Stryking Corpse threw one of the sticks into the crowd, assumedly so a fan could have it for a souvenier. Rather than spin harmlessly into the crowd, however, it soared like a spear into the skulls of three head-bangers who happened to be lined up near each other. It stuck into the back wall of the building, dripping blood. The bodies were found after the concert ended and most of the crowd had dispersed. When asked why he had turned his sticks into deadly projectiles, and if he was sorry about the tragic turn of events, all he would say was that it was cool and laugh uncontrollably.[4]

At another stop, lead guitarist Nail Enafronalobe's guitar burst into flame in the middle of an exceptionally energetic solo. He screamed in surprise, then threw the flaming guitar into the crowd. Several fans caught fire from the flying guitar and burned to death. He later said that he was saddened by the tragic event, marking the first time that a band member lamented the death of a non-member.[5]

As the tour progressed, the turnout at the tour stops steadily decreased. Not surprising, as the fans were figuring out that attending a concert would likely result in their deaths. This trend ended at the final concert in Detroit; the auditorium was filled almost to half capacity, possibly because the people of Detroit are used to people being killed around them. Near the end of the concert, Napalmphile took on a challenge prompted by a fan comment. Some had previously accused Napalmphile of not truly loving napalm, as no one had ever seen him do anything with it.[6] So he took a cup of napalm and tried to drink it. It burned the inside of his mouth, so he spit it into the face of one of the fans and burned a hole in the head of the unfortunate attendee. Napalmphile later said that he would not be taking napalm on tour anymore; the napalm refused to comment.

After the tour was over, the band announced that they would not go on another tour for some time, to allow their fan base to build back up.

Deceased Members

Serpentine Pedophile

Serpentine Pedophile died in the middle of a concert on November 27, 2009, when his head fell off. Reports say he was head banging in his usual vigorous manner when his neck gave out, unable to handle the strain. The head is, as yet, still missing, since it bounced out into the crowd and was carried away by a fan, who no doubt thought it was a fantastic souvenir. He was replaced on the drums by Stryking Corpse. According to the band, he was sent from Hell as soon as Serpentine Pedophile met his end, and that there are plenty of other "Hell-fiend musicians waiting for their chance to Rock"; presumably, Necro-Deth will never be short a band member.[7] Serpentine Pedophile's memorial service was held on November 30, 2009 to a crowd of dozens; where he was buried has not been disclosed. The only remark that Napalmphile gave was that he returned to Hell.[8] It should be noted that his mouth was very red as he said this.

Abysmal Nausea

On January 7, 2010, it was made public that the band's current bass player, Pus Blister, was not the band's original bassist. This role was originally filled by Abysmal Nausea, a denizen of the Infernal Pit who, according to the band, was sacrificed to Satan just days after their emergence on the public scene.[9] The band gave no reason for keeping Abysmal Nausea's death a secret, but of more interest to most was why he was sacrificed in the first place. Several theories exist as to why he was sacrificed, even among band members. The most common theory, which is advanced by Napalmphile, states that Satan explicitly demanded the sacrifice, theatening to cut off their "contract" if they didn't obey. Other theories state that the band killed him because he was a crappy bassist, and they wanted to replace him for their first studio album; that the sacrifice was a publicity stunt meant only to promote their album; and even that he killed himself because he had a "stupid, stupid name". Supporters of the latter view tend to point to a suicide note written in Abysmal Nausea's blood, asking the band to take responsibility for his death.[10] Most fans ignore this view, since the band vehemently denies it.

Brainworm

Brainworm died on March 1, 2010, when some of the strings on his guitar broke and caused multiple lacerations across his wrists, thighs and jugular vein. This occurred during a practice session in Brainworm's house, so there were no eyewitnesses, but the band gave a short statement to the press explaining what happened. They said that a replacement guitarist, Nail Enafronalobe, is on his way from Hell.[11] He arrived on March 4 of that year. They refused to comment on why the string lacerations looked so much like knife wounds.

Musical Style and Influence

Mario
Mario is among the dozens of Necro-Deth fans.[12]

The band's music is, by anyone's standards, unforgettable. Even those who find it too horrifucious claim to have trouble getting the sounds out of their heads, even after hours of therapy.

In perhaps his longest statement yet, Napalmphile has said the band's greatest musical influence is the 1960's British group The Beatles.[13] Everyone, including the faithful, are at a loss to explain this as no one is able to discern anything resembling the music of The Beatles in Necro-Deth's sound. No resemblance at all. Not even a little bit. Paul McCartney has even been recorded as saying there is, in fact, more in common between a pig and a super model.[14]

Horrifucious

Horrifucious, the word created to describe Necro-Deth's sound, stands as the fastest word to be created, enter public vocabulary, and get an entry in Webster's Dictionary. Some have protested this word's official inclusion, making the case that the word is meaningless without the band, just as the band is meaningless without the word. The one is meaningless without the other, creating a vicious circle that can only end in insanity. Supporters of the word have said that it is crucial for it to be included. Before the word, when people were asked to describe Necro-Deth Cannibals from Hell, their brains would literally shut down trying to think of a suitable description. This led to a mass epidemic of Necro-Deth induced comas. With the creation of the word horrifucious this condition has been reversed.

Band Members

Murray
Napalmphile singing Necro-Deth's hit song Acid Mouth Wash.

Former Band Members

  • Abysmal Nausea: Bass (Unfortunately, had to be sacrificed to the Dark Lord)
  • Serpentine Pedophile: Drums (His head fell off as he was head-banging in concert)
  • Brainworm: Lead Guitar (Slashed to death by his own guitar strings in a jam session)

Discography

  • Cuddlebums (1903)
  • Grief of a Rotting Sadist (2009)
  • Rectal Necro-Deth (split w/Rectal Prolapse) (TBA)

Footnotes

  1. Brainworm, Nov 11, 2008: WE COME FROM HELL!!!
  2. Todd, Nov 21, 2008: WE COME FROM HELL!!!
  3. Necro-Deth fan, Dec 12, 2008: THEY COME FROM HELL!!!
  4. Nov 21, 2010, Journalist: So, Mr. Corpse, why did you sharpen your drumsticks into tiny spears of bloody death? Stryking Corpse: Hey, that's good, I'm gonna write a song about that. Journalist: (after an exasperated sigh) Do you have any regrets about losing those three fans? Stryking Corpse: Are you kidding? That was cool! (laughing uncontrollably)
  5. Nov 21, 2010, Journalist: So how are you taking the burning of several fans? Nail Enafronalobe: Pretty hard. I had that guitar ever since I was just a little hellspawn. We did everything together. Everything! How am I going to continue without her?
  6. July 11, 2010, Journalist: There are a few fans that have wondered about your name. They wonder if you really love napalm when no one has ever seen you do anything with it. Napalmphile: Of course not on stage, that would cross the line of decency. Journalist: (blank stare) Napalmphile: What? Journalist: You come from Hell. Napalmphile: THAT'S RIGHT!
  7. Stryking Corpse, Nov 27, 2009: I was sent by the Dark Lord, Beelzebub, the moment that Serpentine Pedophile WENT TO HELL! When I return home, someone will take my place, as well; there are plenty of Hell-fiend musicians waiting for their chance to rock! Necro-Deth Cannibals from Hell will never die!
  8. Interviewer, Nov 30, 2009: How is the band taking this loss? Napalmphile: Well, we take comfort in knowing that HE RETURNED TO HELL! Still, it's hard; he was a very tasty drummer. Interviewer: Wait, did you say tasty? Napalmphile: No. Interviewer: Yes you did, you said "tasty". Napalmphile: ...WE COME FROM HELL!
  9. Napalmphile, Press conference on Jan 7, 2010: We feel the need to let everyone know that Pus Blister is not our first bass player. When we emerged after THE GATES OF HELL FLUNG WIDE OPEN!!!! (picks up the podium and uses it to bludgeon a cameraman to death), our bassist was an infernal creature named Abysmal Nausea, one of the most evil creatures to ever roam the Fiery Pit. Unfortunately, we had to sacrifice him to our manager, Satan, or risk losing our... contract.
  10. Abysmal Nausea, Suicide note found in Napalmphile's possesssion (The guy who found it was never seen again): Dear Todd, I just ripped myself to shreads with my own hands and painted my hotel room red with my own blood. Don't spend too much time trying to figure out how I did it and then wrote this note, just have the band claim responsibility for my death. The reason for this is nothing short of my stupid, stupid name. I mean, seriously, "Abysmal Nausea"? You've got to be kidding me! What was he smoking when he came up with that pile of crap?! Can you imagine a stupider name than that!?
  11. Napalmphile, Press conference on Nov 21, 2010: Brainworm, our lead guitarist, died yesterday in a freak accident. Apparently, his strings broke and cut off most of his limbs and slit his throat. Journalist: Mr. Phile, why do the lacerations on Brainworm look like they were caused by a knife? Napalmphile: Luckily, the Dark Lord has already sent a replacement. His name is Nail Enafronalobe, and he's supposed to be MORE HELLISH than Brainworm.
  12. Mario, Dec 26, 2009: This music f***ing rocks! WOO-HOO!
  13. Napalmphile, Jan 4, 2009: I think our biggest musical influence is the Beatles. Interviewer: Seriously?! Napalmphile: WE COME FROM HELL!
  14. Paul McCartney, Jan 5, 2009: Honestly, I can’t see how they get off saying that! There’s more in common between a pig and a super model! When we were together, I felt like holding a girl’s hand was pushing the line of decency; this Napalm fellow talks about cutting his sister’s head off and raping the severed head! While we’re talking of this, you’ve heard him sing, haven’t you? If you can call that singing! Honestly, he warbles like a stuck pig! And what the bloody is an electric triangle, anyway?!
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