Nazi Eating

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Nazi eating is the act of consuming members of the National Socialist German Workers' Party for sustenance, pleasure or, occasionally, recreation.

While Nazi eating is technically cannibalism, it is legal in 234 countries worldwide and considered ethical in most cultures, including The United States, Great Britain and Guam. This is unless of course the person eating the Nazi is not a person at all but, in fact, an animal, in which case legality does not apply because an animal eating a Nazi is not considered cannibalism. Animals also show a distinct inability to understand and follow human laws, so they've been given a break on the matter. However, if the animal in question is a pit bull terrier, it is to be executed immediately and without question.

Origins Of Nazi Eating

Turkeynazithing

A typical American family sitting down to a nice Nazi dinner.

Nazi eating was first conceived by American inventor Charles Milton in 1873 as a possible way of sustaining troops who'd lost or had their rations stolen in the heat of combat during the attempt to annex France from German occupation near the end of World War II. However, as Nazis would not come to exist for another 47 years, WWII not commencing until 66 years down the road, most people (other than the occasional homeless drunk) dismissed Milton's ideas as the ramblings of a crazy person, advising him to seek psychological help. When he refused, the townspeople took it upon themselves to do their rightful neighborly American duty and help him through his troubles. So they covered him in oil and burned him to death. But, boy would they be sorry!

Nazi eating first became popular among soldiers during World War II, as a game to pass quiet and uneventful hours waiting for the other side to attack, or for orders to attack the other side. An Allied platoon would typically split up into two or more even groups and, after killing off two or more of their Nazi prisoners, proceed to each sit behind a small buffet table and attempt to collectively finish devouring their portion of Nazi, cooked to their liking, faster than the other group. The losing team would typically be assigned to go out on the first wave during the next skirmish, or were occasionally made to wear frilly women's undergarments over their uniforms. In addition to the eventual trend of eating Nazis for sport, these activities also influenced the creation of the semi-annual Armed Forces Panty Race & Family Picnic, an event during which branches of the military compete against one another to see who can finish a 25 kilometer race across a private island in the South Pacific fastest, while dressed in nothing more than the participants' choice of lingerie, bikinis, or diapers. The event, whose patrons are on average estimated to consume the third most potato salad of any group of American people in a single day per year, has been nationally televised since 1994.

Early Nazi Eating and The Nazi Eaters Association

Nazi Eaters of America logo

Official logo of the Nazi Eaters Association of America from 1956-1964.

Once back from the war, those Allied soldiers that still retained enough motor skill to chew properly and convey the occasional thought, brought the game home with them, turning family members and friends on to it. The trend rapidly spread across the world, and Nazi eating would soon become a great national pastime along with the likes of monk skewering, blacksmith vandalism, and intravenous injection of Romanians.

In the late 1940s, a few business-oriented Nazi eating enthusiasts, chief among them the famed Nazi devourer Bob Hope, founded a coalition devoted to turning the game into an organized sporting event. Hence, the Nazi Eaters Association of America was born. Largely seen as a "fringe" sport at the time, Nazi eating was relegated to radio and the occasional broadcast on ESPN2 for several years of otherwise exhilarating competition, intense rivalries, and more than a few gambling-related scandals.

The association finally got its big break, however, during the 1972 Summer Olympic Games in Munich. It was the first year that Nazi eating would be included as an event in the games, and nearly every country competing fielded a top-notch team of worthy competitors. Unfortunately, things took a turn for the worse when it was declared at the last minute by the Mayor of Munich that the event would have to be canceled due to potential loss of too many of the judges and German team sprinters. This was a deadly blow for the association which, in 1976 following the beginning of a decline in affordable fresh Nazi due to overhunting, unceremoniously folded. Bob Hope was so disappointed by this failure that he refused to tell a joke for an entire three weeks, until finally being coaxed out of his closet by a heavily amplified recording of an American Army marching band.

Contemporary Nazi Eating

Oktoberfest-Waitress

Nazi cocktails are common favorites at Oktoberfest and in several seedy Boston bars. Typically the Nazi is squeezed fresh daily.

During the early 70s, Nazi became a popular delicacy in Western culture, most commonly being served as a lean steak with a side of sauerkraut. It became famous for the variety of ways it could be cooked, and its subtle hint of fascism made it a common ingredient in spices and marinades. Opportunistic telephone-based companies released many home Nazi processor products for the patriotic housewife on the go, advertising them on television during late night reruns of old sitcoms such as The Beverly Hillbillies.

Originally Nazi was almost exclusively reserved for those in high society, the cost of its manufacture being far too high for the common man to afford. It was because of this that in the early 70s several consumer brand food manufacturers began marketing blended and artificial Nazi products. Imitation Nazi was typically made of some combination of Soviets, Hungarians, Austrians and Spanish, although in some areas even lower quality meets such as dog, horse and Mexican were commonly used. Some of these products took advantage of legal loopholes and were able to be advertised as containing "Real Nazi", which they did, but only in amounts usually smaller than 8% of the total product.

Many companies have also produced lines of Nazi beverages, such as sodas, malt liquors, flavored teas, and Nazi-infused vegetable juice. The extrication of the essence of Nazi is a long and complicated process, but one whole Nazi is known to be able to provide several times more edible liquid than solid food. Beyond pure Nazi essence, bottom shelf consumer brands have also been known to produce beverages containing Nazi blood, sweat, tears, urine, semen and digestive fluid, many of these ingredients also being common in several varieties of hot sauces and condiments sold in novelty shops and on the internet.

Due to Nazi's high levels of trans-fat, sugar, and tyranny, the Surgeon General warned in 1982 against consuming Nazi-based products, prompting their eventual temporary removal from grocery store shelves, before being replaced with low-fat and vegetarian alternatives.

Decline Of Nazi Eating And Modern Alternatives

Tasty tasty nazi

In recent years, Nazi eaters wishing for privacy during their meal have taken to covering their heads with large napkins, a tradition originally associated with the consumption of ortolan buntings.

Finally, during the late 1980s and early 1990s, the supply of authentic live Nazi had begun to decline so rapidly that its use in consumer products was almost entirely halted. The price of Nazi eventually exceeded that of beluga caviar and beyond, a 1992 FDA survey concluding an average cost of eight-hundred and twenty three American dollars per ounce. Only the most exclusive and expensive restaurants continued to serve it. Fast food establishments specializing in various fried varieties of Nazi were phased out and replaced mostly by Hot Topic outlets and poorly-maintained public fountains.

By 2002 it became illegal in many countries to sell prepared Nazi meat in any dining establishment, although personal use and trade remains acceptable within the limits of amounts predetermined by various government administrations. Around this time, years and often decades-old frozen and preserved Nazi began popping up on internet auction sites such as eBay, sold by food-oriented nostalgists incapable of continuing to pay their progressively increasing rent with their progressively decreasing social security checks. While this gave many enthusiasts one more outlet by which to indulge their craving for true Nazi, the practice also gave rise to an array of scams perpetrated on the unwitting internet denizen who might have been unaware as to the close similarities in appearance between frozen Nazi meat and frozen venison.

The Nazi food market has become supplemented in recent years by the growing prevalence of Neo-nazis, who most Nazi connoisseurs have remarked contain the same texture as their predecessors, but with a chalkier and less satisfying taste, often bordering on the inedible when not prepared properly. This aspect of Nazi eating has been likened to attempts at recent supplementation of the California Condor meat market following successful breeding of the rare bird within captivity. While Neo-nazis are not know to be kept within captivity (except unless the American southeast is to be counted as captivity), they are certainly as chalky as, if not more than, the new generation of condors, much to the dismay of consumers of endangered species everywhere.

Nazi Addiction

In lieu of its growing extinction, an increasing number of medical professionals have begun observing withdrawal symptoms in a number of patients who were once regular consumers of Nazi. This phenomenon has grown over the years and appears to have reached its apex, many who were alive during the golden age of Nazi eating having passed away or been admitted to various institutions responsible with caring for them, such as old folks' homes and mental hospitals.

In order that they might fulfill this particular craving, many Nazi addicts began illegally hunting them in their natural habitat, and even in conservation, to produce their own private supply of the meat. Some of these individuals have taken drastic and inhumane measures toward obtaining their prey, leading to many a grotesque and unbelievable news story, as well as more than a few jailings. A man treated in a psychiatric ward in 1999 once told of having been hunting Nazi in the dark of night, when the prey is at its least alert, finding one and upon his gun jamming, hurling himself at the Nazi and barbarically eating it alive. The man was cured and a few years later became a state politician in good standing. His identity has been kept secret in the interest of keeping a lot of people from totally freaking out.

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