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“They gave me Gold Star treatment at their summer camp. Those nice blonde German boys are so cute.”
The Order of the Nazi was an order of chivalry (similar to the Order of the British Empire or the Order of Uncyclopedia) that was known for its ruthless and selective initiation processes. They were known to be relaxed toward members of the Aryan race, whereas for other denominations it was next to impossible to be admitted. They were dissolved after the Trials of Nuremburg, a particularly difficult challenge imposed by the world, who had become jealous of their ultra-chic exclusivity.
In World War I, Adolf Hitler was wounded. As he waited in the hospital, drifting in and out of consciousness, he claimed he saw a vision. He said "Good care should be taken not to deny things that are true." And indeed, he believed the necessity of such a party as this order to be real and true. As such, he chose not to deny it, and as soon as the final bullet of the Great War was shot, he emerged with his new ideology. He outlined this ideology in a groundbreaking book known as Mein Kampf which, when translated to English, means roughly My Incessantly Annyoing Pontification. In this book, Hitler painted a picture of a disorganized world where the "bourgeoisie" oppress the "proletariat" in a brutal fashion.
Though this in itself would be enough to warrant a lawsuit from Karl Marx (author of New York Times Bestseller The Communist Manifesto), Hitler departs from this train of thought for a good bit of the first half of the second volume, which is composed primarily of accusatory ramblings that end up reading as nothing more than the complaints of a petulant child. After this sidetrack, he concludes the book promising that he'll fix Germany, best summed up in this quote directly from the book.
|I'm gonna mess those bitches up. They went and screwed up our economy and now them bitches is gonna pay! Word!|
In public readings of the book, at this point Hitler would rip off his obviously fake mustache and Nazi uniform, revealing the gang colors of the Cripz, and get on the table and begin to gangsta rap. Though his favorite topic was "screwing dem hos" (ho being a German colloquialism for "Jew, Homosexual, Gypsy, or any other form of deviant in the eyes of dien führer Hitler"), he would occasionally delve into such deeper topics as "final solution bitches" (Final Solution = German MMORPG)
Origin of Name
The word Nazi is actually an acronym for National Socialist German Workers' Party, which, when converted to an acronym in the German language, becomes National Asocialist Zgerman Iworkers *space*Party.
The Order: Rankings
In order of decreasing importance, the Order of the Nazi looked something like this:
- Dog Feces
"Führer" was a rank meaning "leader," and was thus only occupied by Adolf Hitler for the duration of the Order's existence. "Chancellor," the next rank down, was a sub-leader, a sort of "wannabe" that wasn't Hitler but wished to hell he was. This was occupied by such well-known Nazis as Hans Zimmer, Joseph Goebbels, and Hermann Göring. "Minister" was anyone else in the Order that was of governmental importance. Aryan was the lowest rank, occupied by any German, who was at birth automatically inducted into the Order. "Prole" is a rank
stolen from 1984 that was given to any non-German who wished to join. If you don't know what a dog, dog feces, or a Jew is, you're in pretty bad shape.
The Order: Admission
The Order of the Nazi was, as previously mentioned, a ruthless quasi-cult, an extremely far-reaching fraternity, if you will. Provisions for the admission of Aryans (the founders of this brotherhood) were, as such, rather nonexistent, and indeed sometimes criticized by existing members. Usually, these people were killed, as the Nazis had no problem with violence. In the same vein, the admission policy for anyone else who wanted to join was similarly ruthless, as detailed in the following sections.
Early Years of the Order
In the early years, membership in the Order of the Nazi was a highly coveted position among many, particularly the leaders of groups opposed to Hitler's political ideologies. However, as a general rule, Hitler did not allow such men into the Order. As such, he created a rigorous testing program to ensure that those wishing to join were physically and mentally fit for admission.
The process boiled down to the mantra "Work will make you free," a philosophy carried by Hitler until the end. Under this creed, potential members were imprisoned in forced labor camps indefinitely, being let free when Hitler determined it was right to do so. This rarely, if ever, happened, and as such by the beginning of World War II not many of these people wished to join anymore.
Later Years of the Order
Hitler soon grew weary of such a homogeneous group, and thus proposed his "Final Solution" to this problem. He would admit every Jew, homosexual, gypsy, et al into the screening process, to gain more inductees. The process was similar to that of the early years; however, many people were admitted into a super-secret new rank of the order, Covert. This rank was where most proles went after induction (approximately 6 million, in fact), and were never heard from again. No one knows where they went, though most believe that they were used as secret agents in plans plotted by the Germans. Others say that they became janitors in Brick-Oven Pizza Palaces. No one knows for sure. Wherever these people went, some people never made it past "prole," toiling in the forced-labor camps until the fall of the Reich (German for "Order of the Nazi, Reign of Adolf Hitler, aided by his people in a time of perpetual war")
The Order: Activities
The Order wasn't all bad. For members, it was a fun-filled adventure. In the Order, the Nazis participated in such activities as:
- Hunting- In this activity, played almost every day by Nazis, the target would be decided upon, and then they had to kill said target in the most crafty way possible. Usually the winner (who was awarded with a permanent brand of the swastika and a kiss on the mouth by a Nazi official), who was deemed the craftiest and most intelligent of the day, was the one who killed the target with a gun. Then again, everyone did that. But it's not like it was a bureaucracy or anything.
- Bowling- Threw a giant ball down greased wood to get a big score. And no, bowling is not a euphemism for what you're thinking it is. That wouldn't have been looked upon kindly by the Nazis.
- Camping- Another potentially homoerotic activity, Nazi children would often camp out in the woods of Poland/Rhineland/France to study nature. Of course, at the time, all of these places were oppressed by their leaders, and so the nature was kinda, well, unnatural.
- Movies- Nazis of all ages would flock to the theaters to see the newest film, whether it be Gone With The Wind, Soylent Green, or Der Jude ist Schlecht.
- Scavenger Hunt- All across Europe, people would search for the Golden Ticket, their way up in the rankings. In German, this ticket was known as "Jude" or "Zigeuner." A scavenger hunt often turned to an all-out hunt once the
persontarget was found.
The Order and WWII
The Order of the Nazi was very popular. Accordingly, the entire government of Germany joined it. Most people believe it was the inverse (ie: The Order of the Nazi was established after the government, by the government), but this is a misconception. In fact, the Order of the Nazi was established in 1919, many years before World War II started. But this is another digression.
As was previously stated, the entire government of Germany joined the Order of the Nazi, and subsequently joined the war. These are two events completely separate of each other, but most do not know this, and therefore blame Nazis for unsanctioned invasion of Poland, thus igniting what is considered by many to be the worst international conflict in history. No, that was the fault of the government, but the Nazi name was slandered by jealous bureaucrats who were, well, jealous. In the culmination of the European Theater of the war, therefore, the Trials of Nuremburg were mounted to dissolve the Nazis forever.
For most members, the Order was life. Ergo, most either committed suicide or let themselves die in the trials rather than go on sans the Nazi name. For many, this was considered a great triumph, not only for petty jealousy and justifying libel, but also because the deaths of these government officials marked the end of a murderous regime. This may well be true. Many Aryans did die under the regime of those who were also Nazis. But misunderstanding played a big role in this as well. In fact, so many who now know the truth are outraged, and shave their heads in memoriam of the fallen Nazis. More power to them, for theirs is a truly noble fight.