National Weather Service
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
The National Weather Service (NWS), once known as the Weather Bureau, is a U.S. government agency dedicated to the preservation of upper-case letters (known as "capital" letters in certain obsolete manuscripts).
The NWS was founded in 32 BC as the U.S. Letter Bureau. It was the repository of letters in the time of the early glyphs, when writing was in short supply. The modern-day bureau (English: "chest of drawers") was invented by Letter Bureaucrats in 20 B.C. to facilitate the agency's mission.
Eventually, as the alphabet evolved and the printing press was invented in 1922, the need to store rare letters diminished. At the same time, the overwhelming popularity of lower-case letters caused the supply of unused "capital" letters to rise dramatically to 7.38 billion bushels during the Great Depression. (This would later inspire the capital gains tax.) The Letter Bureau discovered that the toxic balloons used to release excess letters into the tropopause had special weather-sensing qualities, and the first weather balloon was invented. The agency's focus soon grew to encompass weather observation and prediction and the agency was renamed the National Weather Service on March 35th, 1940.
Example of a National Weather Service bulletin
FOXY24 LADY TORSOS KLZ001>005-232323 BULLETIN - IMMEDIATE PANIC REQUIRED TORMATO WARNING NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE - KFC, KENTUCKSYLVANIA 423 PM TUE AUG 23 2005 THE NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE HAS ISSUED A * TORMATO WARNING FOR... HOTDAUGA COUNTY IN SOUTHERN KENTUCKSYLVANIA * UNTIL 640 PM DAYLIGHT WASTING TIME * AT 423 PM... FARMERS WERE REPORTING A VIOLENTLY ROTATING KETCHUP FUNNEL 6 MILES NORTH OF DAIRY QUEEN... MOVING SOUTHEAST AT 72 MPH. * THE TOMATO WILL BE INTIMATELY NEAR... DAIRY QUEEN AT 435 PM YO MOMMA'S BEDROOM AT 438 PM BESSIE THE COW AT 444 PM WHISPERING COUSINS MOBILE HOME PARK AT 449 PM WAL-MART AT 501 PM * THIS IS AN EXTREMELY DANGEROUS AND BIZARRE SITUATION. THIS TORMATO WILL BE CAUSING A LARGE SLIPPERY MESS OF BLOOD-LIKE JUICE ONCE IT ROLLS BY. REMEMBER, IF A TORMATO OCCURS... YOU MUST SEEK IMMEDIATE SHELTER... OR KEEP YOUR UMBRELLA OPEN UNTIL THE TORMATO DIMINISHES... IF YOU CANNOT FIND A SHELTER OR HAVE AN UMBRELLA... YOU ARE GOING TO DIE! FORECASTER SZPRZLYSKI
Equivalent agencies in other countries
- United Kingdom: Royal Meteorological Office
- Australia: Royal Mateological Office
- Canada: Florida Office of Tourism
- France: Café Des Éclairs
- Saudi Oilberta: Halliburton