National Hockey League

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“What's that?”
~ Everybody in America on The NHL

The National Hockey League (American translation: NFL) is a form of Canadian street fighting on ice, best known for fighting, the Stanley Cup, fighting, Wayne Gretzky, Trevor Linden, Mark Messier, fighting, Mario Lemieux, Sidney Crosby, the FoxTrax puck, fighting, drunken Canadians, and fighting. Oh, and did I mention fighting? It is regarded by many as the worst-run professional sports league in the world, thanks in part to its decision to completely forget its core business (playing ice hockey) in favor of Commissioner Gary Bettman's favored pastime: being a jackass. Also, fighting commonly occurs during NHL games. Did I mention that? Of course I didn't. Also, despite the beliefs of some stupid Chicagoans, $300 for a standing room only ticket at a Stanley Cup Finals is reasonable. And fighting! I forgot to mention fighting!

edit Why It's Better Than European Hockey

The NHL is better than European hockey because it does not have French players. (The French are simply not big enough to play in North America, and in fact, their only option is to play in Sweden.If you need any proof you should look at Cristobal Huet) Also, the NHL has Morgan Freeman, and it allows fighting, prostitution, and nudity. Unfortunately, the nudity is now regulated: the NHL recently implemented an instigator rule that states fighters must seek permission in triplicate from their opponent and sign legal documents stating they will not sue in the event of an injury before punching them in the face. The highlight of any NHL game is a bench-clearing brawl, in which a typical hockey fight spreads to everyone in the arena, like a vicious (yet entertaining) plague. But recently the NHL decided that was too much fun, and it enforced strict regulations that make it almost impossible to start an entertaining fight. And, to ensure that European players wouldn't get their asses kicked, the bench-clearing brawl was replaced with a shootout following a scoreless overtime period.

edit Sasquatch takes NHL by storm

Sasquatch was drafted by Toronto 1st overall in 2001. He played his first career game against Montreal but managed no points. He did however, get his weener stuck in the goalie's mask and had to be carried out on a stretcher. After months in Penis Trauma Rehab, he came back to the NHL motivated and determined. His Mother (Mrs.Owl) and his father (Hannibal the Cannibal) were in attendance for his first game back. They were not disappointed with their sons performance. He scored 1 goal, had 2 assists and decapitated the opposing teams equipment manager with a Machete for the win. He was quickly becoming one of the top point producers and enforcers in the game. He challenged for the Art Ross Trophy and the Blood Thirsty Killing Machine award the following year. It was obvious that Sasquatch had serious potential, and when he was named Captain of the club on October 14th 2003, he took off. He took his team all the way to the Stanley Cup Final before losing to the Red Wings in 22 games. Sasquatch knew that was his final chance to win hockey's greatest prize. He was diagnosed with Slimey Hanging Itchy Testicles desease or SHIT a few months earlier. He knew he would not be returning to the NHL. He went into a deep state of depression and killed himself in The Notorious Felons League (NFL) at the age of 165. He was inducted into the Sasquatch Hall Of Fame on December 13th, 2007. Rest In Peace you son of a bitch!

edit Important Rules (However Silly They May Be!)

Unless otherwise noted, the penalty for breaking any of the following rules is an ejection from the game and a fine of $10 million. A team may pay the referees to avoid the rules. However, rules A thru F must always be enforced.

  • A: The puck must be indiscriminate enough so that it cannot be seen on television.
  • B: Players must wear pink on their helmet, pants, jersey or skates.
  • C: Players with a French name must wear extra pink.
  • D: All controversial calls shall go in favor of the team that paid the referees more money.
  • E: Sidney Crosby automatically gets one point, be it a goal or an assist, for each time his cock is sucked.
  • F: *G: Only players older than 33 may skate backwards.
  • H: Players older than 38 must only skate backwards.
  • I: Players are required to be over 20, jacked, and have worked with large pieces of wood previously.
  • J: Players may only chew gum if it is to be spit at the opposing goalie.
  • K: Chanting "Kill the midget!" is mandatory if the player carrying the puck is shorter than 5'5".
  • L: Chanting "Put it back in the zoo!" is mandatory if the player carrying the puck is Zdeno Chara.
  • M: Chanting "Shut the Fuck Up you Ass-Licking Cocksucker!" is mandatory when Gary Bettman is seen on and off the ice.
  • N: Coaches may only speak a maximum of five (5) words at a time.
  • O: No players on the ice can share the same first name unless it's Joe, Brian, Sergei, Alexander, or Ryan.
  • P: The losing team shall be decapitated and replaced by players from college or the faggot league.
  • Q: If Florida loses, team owner Kelly Gooscock has the option to beat every ticket holder's wife.
  • R: Each team is allowed only one black man, and he is prohibited from playing in the first line.
  • S: The black man must get into more fights than the rest of the team combined in every game.
  • T: The black man's diet must NOT consist of fried chicken and watermelon.
  • U: No "racial" comments; we have Black hockey captains now.
  • V: No players on the ice can share the same last name unless it's Staal, Kozlov, Niedermayer, Koivu, Ruutu, Blake or Sedin.
  • W: Making public references to an ex-girlfriend and her "sloppy seconds" will result in an indefinite suspension.
  • X: Detroit must win their division every year. The only exception is if St.Louis wins.
  • Y: Columbus must never enter the playoffs. If they do they will be gang raped by Detroit.
  • Z: The crease is to be used for decorative purposes only.
  • AA: Players from New York or Montreal must try to kill someone in every game.
  • BB: Alex Ovechkin's purpose is to try, but fail to break the glass after he scores
  • CC: The referees are permitted to kick the puck into the net, as long as the Penguins score a goal as a result.
  • DD: Sidney Crosby's dick must finish with more points than all of St. Louis combined
  • EE: Takin a train, takin a train, takin a train, Now I'm...
  • FF: In every game, a Montreal player should be injured or killed
  • GG: Whenever the Toronto Maple Leafs score, a small child in Africa dies.
  • HH: If there is ever a bomb found in the Florida arena all people who look like they could possibly be middle eastern will be deported than forced to buy super expensive tickets to Disney but then not be allowed in when they try to get into the park
  • II: No player from the Confederate States of America will be allowed to be on any NHL team. but teams can be located in the Confederate States of America.
  • JJ: Montreal will call every season The Quest for 25 starting in 1994. Just let it go guys.
  • KK: Any talented player who plays for the Atlanta Thrashers must be traded within 10 years of his arrival, and usually in under 5. Examples: Ilya Kovalchuk, Dany Heatley, Marian Hossa, Marc Savard, etc.
  • LL: The Edmonton Oilers must have 3/4 of their roster hurt by then start of March, and then claim to be a future contender after they miss the playoffs.
  • MM: No matter how much talent the San Jose Sharks will have, they will never win more than one playoff series.
  • NN: Every goalie must claim to be one of the best in the league.
  • OO: Every Flyers goalie must be the worst, despite what they claim.
  • PP: The Carolina Hurricanes must go deep into the playoffs once every three years, and then suck ass for the next two.
  • QQ: Every year, there must be a team that wins two playoff series that has no business winning 2 playoff series.
  • RR: The NHL must have way too many rules.
  • SS: The guy who just said that the NHL has way too many rules is permitted to go to Gary Bettman's house and kick his ass in a similar style to how Matt Cooke of the Penguins gets his ass kicked in every fight he's ever in.
  • TT: In every interview ever performed, an NHL player may only use the words "uh", "um", "er", "you know", and a league-mandated list of sports clichés. (Ex: "Well, uh, you know, right now they got a feisty hockey club and we just gotta, you know, keep at it and dump the puck in, keep our, um, shifts short, and uh, you know, give 110%.")
  • UU: Don't insult Mario Lemieux, dude. The guy played hockey (and kicked ass too) with cancer.
  • VV: Chanting "Open Net!" is required when the goalie in the other net is Andrew Raycroft or Vesa Toskala
  • WW: Jaroslav Halak must stop 40+ shots every game or else he lets in at least 3.
  • XX: Delay of game must always be called if the puck ends up over the glass, even if the referee threw it there.
  • YY: If you trade Chris Pronger you won't make the playoffs for many years.
  • ZZ: If you trade FOR Chris Pronger, you are gearing up for a run at the Cup. Unless you are the Edmonton Oilers
  • AAA: Whenever Montreal loses, a party across the world happens because they are the most hated.
  • BBB: Montreal is the luckiest team ever.
  • BBC: Montreal must draft a college bound prospect in the first round of the draft for 4 of 5 years.
  • CCC: Whenever Chris Pronger plays, there is no need for ice crew members to pick up the puck after the game.
  • DDD: Every two years, at least one team must file for bankruptcy in order to give the league some publicity.
  • EEE: If there might be a goal the ref is required to call offside.
  • FFF: Patrick Kane must always have a convoy of security guards, two nuns, a ninja, three priests and one of the Hanson brothers nearby whenever he tries to hail a taxi in order to prevent him from sucker punching old people. If Kane is visiting Dallas, all of the above may be substituted if Chuck Norris is available.
  • GGG: Boston must always worship Miroslav Satan during every home game.
  • HHH: If Roberto Luongo is on your team, you must make him your captain or all Hell will break loose.
  • III: No matter how lucky the Florida Panthers are, they must not make the playoffs. Ever. And if they do, they will lose in the 1st round.
  • JJJ: The Philadelphia Flyers will worship any third-line acquisition after a single victory and will dedicate a statue in his image in front of a museum after three. One loss and the loser hack will be shipped of to Dallas.
  • KKK: The KKK are only allowed to attend Dallas Stars games or any team without a black player thus everyone apart from Atlanta.
  • LLL: All reference to Disney will henceforth not be recognized by the All-Powerful 2007 Stanley Cup Champion California's One and Only Mallards of Anaheim Orange County.
  • MMM: P.K. Subban must get one assist in every regular season game he plays in. That's ONE assist: no more no less. He is also the greatest black hockey player ever.
  • NNN: Dany Heatley much always bitch about the team he's playing for and demand a trade every few years.
  • OOO: Chris Chelios must be frozen so he may not be turned to dust. If not, Montreal, Detroit, Chicago, and Atlanta will cease to exist. (Too late.)
  • PPP: Sean Avery will continue to remain the baddest-boy in the NHL EVER, when he's not interning for Vogue Magazine to discuss his fascination with men's fashion.
  • QQQ: The team that wins the Presidents' Trophy must choke and flame out in four games to the eighth seed that they play in the first round.
  • RRR: There will never be any hockey announcers better than San Jose's very own Randy Hahn and Drew Remenda.
  • SSS: Whenever Pavel Datsyuk dekes an opposing goalie out of his jockstrap, he is allowed to twirl said jockstrap in the air while skating victory laps around said goaltender, then add it to his display case next to his two Stanley Cup rings and 27 Lady Byng trophies.
  • TTT: Only fifteen hours of oral sex to Commissioner Buttman, uh I mean Bettman, is needed for him to rig the next Finals game, as opposed to 300 as suggested by Mr. Sidney Crosby.
  • UUU: Russians must suck in the playoffs.
  • VVV: Justine ****** is and will always be the only female player in NHL history.
  • WWW: ESPN must never show hockey highlights.. EVER!!!
  • XXX: No goalie masks allowed unless Keith Ballard is on your team.
  • YYY: Every Two and a Half Men episode ever made must be shown to the players prior to each game.
  • ZZZ: Phoenix must never have more than 10,000 people attending home games. Otherwise, Shane Doan, Michal Roszival, and Martin Hanzal will gang-rape every fan that comes in after the 10,000th has.
  • AAAA: Every soccer player has to suck every player in the NHL's cock once a day, not doing so is a discrace.
  • BBBB: Any time Rick DiPietro starts a game, he has to lose 4-6 weeks due to injury.
  • CCCC: Every trade deadline, the Leafs must get hyped up about trading Tomas Kaberle, but must never trade him unless a 1st round pick is offered and the trade is with Boston.
  • DDDD: No matter how well the San Jose Sharks do in the regular season, they will suck ass in the playoffs, unless they are going to face the Detriot Red Wings.
  • EEEE: Dany Heatley must request a trade every five years.
  • FFFF: Every trade the Leafs make must have an unproven player involved that everyone must call "the saviour", then 2 years later he must be shipped off.
  • GGGG: Every player over 25 must be called a "veteran", including the ones that still live at home with their parents.
  • HHHH: CROSBY. DOESN'T. STOP. (Unless David Steckel's around).
  • IIII: Trevor Gillies must receive a suspension after every game due to his stupid beard.
  • JJJJ: Zdeno Chara must break an opponents neck at least once every month.
  • KKKK: The Leafs must miss the playoffs and finish in 9th, preventing them from participating in playoff action or getting a high draft pick.
  • LLLL: If any player is injured in a game, Big Brett Esta must be flown out to replace the inured player.
  • MMMM: A shootout loss must be tallied against Ottawa each time, as players can just skate slowly and wait for LeClaire to be injured again.
  • NNNN: Every time Vancouver loses a game 7 in the Stanley Cup Finals, the city must be trashed.
  • OOOO: Every goalie the Flyers acquire through free-agency must be over 35 and chased out of their old city.
  • PPPP: Sidney Crosby must Dive once in each game he plays.
  • QQQQ: In the world juniors Canada must always face the USA on new years eve.
  • RRRR: Detroit must always have a player older than 40 on their roster.
  • SSSS: The Winnipeg Jets must never have fans show up wearing Jets merchandise, or the fans will all be killed by the opposing team.
  • TTTT: The Winnipeg Jets must also have at least a third of their roster be involved in criminal activity and spend time in jail during the offseason. (See Dustin Byfuglien and Ondrej Pavelec.)
  • UUUU: The NHL must have a lockout every 7 seasons
  • VVVV: As a result of an incident in which the Montreal Canadiens molested Wayne Gretzky and the rest of the Los Angeles Kings to win the 1993 Stanley Cup, NO Canadian teams will win the Stanley Cup again.
  • WWWW: No Southeast division teams other than the Carolina Hurricanes and the Tampa Bay Lightning are allowed to win a Stanley Cup.
  • XOXO: Wayne Gretzky will score at least once every minute.
  • YYYY: Jeremy Roenick will run his mouth on every player in the NHL.
  • ZZZZ: Every Stanley Cup champion will have the shit beaten out of them in the next season.
  • AAAAA: The last rule will be complete bullshit.
  • BBBBB: Boston will draft every Slovakian player in the world.
  • CCCCC: WE'RE COMIN' FOR YOU, NIGGA!
  • DDDDD: The shittiest teams will win the Stanley Cup and then smell what the Rock is cooking.
  • EEEEE: Bret Hart will interfere in any game the Toronto Maple Leafs are about to lose against any American team and then throw every bench down and break them in half.
  • FFFFF: John Madden will be named 'the greatest football player ever'.
  • GGGGG: Daniel Sedin will bitch slap himself every time his brother Henrik scores.
  • HHHHH: Steven Stamkos will make litterally everybody (including linesman, commentators, scorekeepers, and definitely Marc-Andre Fleury) his bitches.
  • IIIII: Alex Ovechkin will always epicly fail in the 1st round of the playoffs.
  • JJJJJ: The most badass teams in the playoffs will all be eliminated in the 1st round.
  • KKKKK: If provoked, Ron Hextall will fight him (a.k.a. ejaculate all over his face.)
  • LLLLL: If rule THE is violated, then I'll be damned if:
  • MMMMM: Goalie Ron Hextall will score an empty net goal in every game he is in.
  • NNNNN: Gordie Howe will play in the NHL FOREVER, FUCKERS!
  • OOOOO: Dominik Hasek will do the same - 238961893489278681066896379383900289 divided by 237157159627 x 78235595613505601775180952389 + 40.
  • PPPPP: The Edmonton Oilers must select first overall.
  • QQQQQ: Marian Hossa will be an asshole.
  • RRRRR: The Edmonton Oilers will kick ass in the 80's and suck my mother's ugly dick in the 2000's and 2010's.

edit The Criminals at Large

edit Divisional structure

The NHL is divided into two conferences and six divisions. The teams are arranged based on their relative favor with the powers-that-be. For example, Detroit is considered a favored team, so it was placed in the fluffy marshmallow that is the Central (i.e., Middle-of-Nowhere) Division. On the other hand, for icing one of the worst-ever hockey teams, Edmonton is considered an unworthy team, so it gets stiffed with the forest of cacti that is the Northwest Airlines Division. To make things more unbalanced, teams play against their own division a ridiculous number of times. This results in Detroit clinching its division by Christmas, while all five Northwest teams battle in a shootout on the last game of the season just to clinch a playoff berth. And its vancouver canuckleheads

edit You Bunch of Rookies

Stanley Cup

Got milk?

Following the regular season, the favored and unworthy teams play for the Stanley Cup. In the playoffs, roughly anything can happen, which has resulted in recent conference finals resembling the results of a coin-flip or d20 roll. This has had the unexpected effect of leaving favored teams playing golf in May while the unworthy teams get multiple cracks at the Cup.

The NHL is trying to resolve this issue by examining legislation that would allow players to leave their teams whenever they want. The NHL hopes this legislation will give favored teams the hint to sign all of the talented players and leave the unworthy teams with all of the stupid ones. This would make it almost impossible for unworthy teams to get past just the first round of the playoffs.

edit The Fans of the Criminals at Large

Funny NHL Fan

A typical Detroit fan.

There are many types of fans in the NHL: distressed and delusional Edmonton fans, desperate Toronto fans, drunken Calgary fans, stonedand fucking annoying Vancouver fans, and pissed-off Canadians who think Quebec City and Hamilton should all house NHL teams.

There is also Rob, the only Phoenix fan, and Bob, the man who used to be Nashville's only fan. However, like most hockey fans, Bob was attracted by Canada, so he moved to Toronto, and Nashville is left, once again, with no fans.

Fans in Detroit are often given Stanley Cups in giveaways, largely due to the immense surplus of the trophy.

edit Looking to Expand

Funny Explosion

This one is for you, Bettman

2009-2012 Expansion: HOLD IT. Then Fart slowly away.

Despite all of the failed expansion teams, the NHL is considering adding 10 more hockey teams. So, would you like to own a National Hockey League team?

  • All you need is $2 billion dollars and a wife, whom everyone is allowed to play with!
  • You must choose a color that the rest of the league will hate (not including the mandatory pink!), and you must choose a team name that is offensive to all religious groups.
  • City size does not matter, as long as you can afford the bill! Good luck!
  • However, the city must be located in a region that does not receive any ice or snow. Otherwise, the team will be fined $100 million for every inch of snow that falls.
  • Even attempting to place a team in Canada will make Gary Bettman cry. He will sue you for enough money to create another team in a warm-climate city where nobody has ever heard of hockey.
  • The only way to place a team in Canada is to first set it up in Atlanta. Then, after a few years of failure and obscurity, it can be moved to a Canadian city. At this point, it is optional whether to keep the current team name, or rename the team.
  • It's worth choosing a logo that people can make fun of, because you can have fun screwing a poor bastard out of as much money as possible to wear the fucking thing.

edit Future of the NHL

In recent years, Gary Bettman has shocked the hockey world by deciding to carry out all his expansion plans in North Korea and shamefully but succesfully turn it into a crazed country, and shortly after was revered by many Koreans for his socialist approaches to the sport, and never came back stateside again. In exchange for Bettman's good riddance absence, former president and Commie extraordinaire Kim Jong-Il has decided to take over as NHL Commissioner as first Asian head of a North American sports league. Him being in the dark confines of his cubicle at the NHL headquarters was a result of a total of  32929211043838 fans petitioning him on Facebook in order to help them regain their genuine love of hockey. The only downside is, Jong-Il's favorite team, the To-roon-to Red Stars have ended up winning the Stanley Cup since he took up office on December 21, 2012. Whoever objected to this got a big ass whooping and a free trip to the minors.  

Since then, not only do the NHL teams have to play with each other, they also have to play with those rowdy Russians at the KHL, those douchebags in the NBA and those pansies from the UEFA. Portuguese male stripper Cristiano Ronaldo was the NHL's first signing from the UEFA league, as he got drafted by the Penguins 1st overall in 2020. Sidney Crosby, due to his incessant whining, got sent away to the Real Madrid Hockey Club shortly after upon Commish Jong-Il's request.  

edit The (In)Famous Owner of the Present: Gary Bettman

edit Gary Bettman Sez

Bettman gary

Gary Bettman says, "Watch our league...please?"

Hello, basketba...I mean, hockey fans! It's me, your ever lovable commissioner, Gary Bettman! Now, I know a lot of you might be concerned about this "over-expansion" and the "dying markets" in the Southern USA. Nothing could be further from the truth! Why, if the league didn't expand, we'd still be stuck with five teams! And really, who wants a team called the Wanderers? Exactly. Weeding out the old franchises and relocating the slightly successful ones is part of hockey. Why, thanks to expansion, owners are richer than ever, and we can all gloat that we have a super fair salary cap. Now, who can argue with that? Jim Balisillie, that's who! As for the future, under my rule, the NHL will expand from 30 to 72 teams by 2015...and all of them will be winners! That's right: no team will have a losing record! How's that for good basketball! Wait, I mean hockey. Yeah.

As for these so-called dying markets, look at those teams down there. Why, the Tampa Bay Lightning and the Anaheim Ducks have both won Stanley Cups since I came to power. I AM A MEGALOMANIAC. Wait, that came out wrong. Oh well. The point is that all of the money is in the States. The Canadian dollar is worth what, two cents? So forget it, Hamilton. Winnipeg, see you later. Same to you, Quebec City. In fact, when Mexico becomes part of that good old US of A, we plan to move those dead franchises up north down there. Take the Toronto Maple Leafs and the Montreal Canadiens. They're so old they should be playing with canes, not sticks! Hahahahaha!!! Yes, when the time comes, both teams will move down to Mexico, where I shall christen them the Tijuana Illegal Aliens and the Mexico City Mexiciens. (Note the creativity in the odd spelling; it will be used to keep some relation to the team's previous name). We'll be the first North American sports league down there. GO NBA! I MEAN NHL!

edit Quotes

"Is it not obvious that the Phoenix Coyotes had somebody show up at one of their games last season? They are obviously a very successful franchise, and moving them to a place like Hamilton would only let them sell out all of our games. And I will not allow the NHL to sell out."

"Last season we installed a 3-point line in hockey. Now, we are going to allow referees to call technical fouls. Next year, we will eliminate skating, hockey sticks and pucks. And we will install basketball hoops, change the playing surface to wood, and look to hire more black players. That'll make the game more entertaining!"

"So, you see, there's nothing to worry about. With me at the wheel, the NHL will only grow stronger and stronger. ALL POWER TO THE OWNERS!"

"As you can tell, my hero is "Dollar Bill" Wirtz, to whom I gave my first born daughter - my second born daughter went to Sean Avery, hence the term, "sloppy seconds"!"

"Never before in the history of hockey..." (Mentioned every year during the Stanley Cup presentation, whether history has been made or not)

edit Accomplishments

  • Loves the NBA so much he calls the NHL the "NBA II."
  • Hired by the Taliban in 1990 to terrorize Canada.
  • Shaved his Middle-eastern beard in 1992 to eliminate suspicion of being connected to the Taliban.
  • Voted "Greatest North American League Destroyer" by the Taliban in 2002.
  • After hearing about what the Taliban did to America on 9/11/2001, he decided to go even further by eliminating NHL hockey from Canadians lives in 2005.
  • Fattest commissioner in the history of North American sports.
  • Managed the nearly impossible feat of getting ESPN so pissed off at the NHL, it's now only carried in the USA by a local cable access channel in Detroit (right after "Tool Time"), a low powered Spanish TV station in Los Angeles, MSNBC in San Jose, the MSG (Mono Sodium Glutamate) Channel in New York, and local television stations in Minneapolis, Boston, and Buffalo that are owned by Weird Al Yankovic (all games alternated with showings of "Hogan's Heroes", "Conan the Librarian", and "Jail or No Jail").
  • Killed off the World Hockey Association in the 1970s, the Soviet Union National Hockey team in the 1980s, and the International Hockey League in the 1990s: Why? They love that American money, so screw the Canadian dollar!
  • Is Jewish, though thats not an accomplishment.
American Sports Leagues

Baseball, Football with hands, Football with feet, Canadian Hockey, Niggaball, Tony George League, Redneck Cup, Sleepball
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