National Certificate of Educational Achievement
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- This article is about NCEA. You may actually be looking for NECA, or Failure, whereas the authors of this article should really be looking at How to be funny and not just stupid.
“I know, let's make an education system with an inconsistent pass rate, poor assessment standards and an illogical marking framework. With added confusion to make it classy. Ohhh..”
|Conservation Status||Sadly not endangered|
NCEA, New Zealand's secondary school qualification system, is an acronym for Num-nuts Can Eventually Achieve or Naive Cunts Educating Assholes. A common misconception is that it stands for National Certificate of Educational Achievement, but this is a rumour without any factual basis.
Recently, NCEA has been referred to in the media with a variety of equally endearing nicknames, the most common being 'failure', which was closely followed by 'miserable failure' (and then 'very miserable failure'). However, it should be noted that the aforementioned definitions and connotations do not exist because the introduction of NCEA led to the deletion of the word 'failure' from Kiwi vocabulary. The new term is 'not achieved', 'working toward achieved' or 'almost achieved'. Thus NCEA can be referred to as 'Not Achieved'. NCEA could never be deleted. This is because for it to be deleted it would have to fail, but fail does not exist anymore. Therefore NCEA is here to stay.
Not Achieved is the national secondary school qualification for New Zealand. However, it is worth noting that in the last census, New Zealand counted only 17 high school graduates from its entire population, 12 of which were illegal immigrants. Signs are looking promising for an increase in these numbers over the long term, despite the recent spate of high school terrorism.
The National Party invented NCEA, and the Labour Party implemented it when they overthrew National. National blames Labour, Labour blames National. NCEA blames the students. Students blame NCEA because it doesn't teach them jack-shit, unless your one of those youths in South Auckland who don't generally give a flying fuck about their education. The National party initially manufactured NCEA as a PR stunt, and it seems to have worked remarkably well considering the blame Labour gets for it. China refused to manufacture NCEA, fearing it would harm their reputation.
Recently the government has introduced a new standard called the 'Kiwi Learners Course'. They got this idea from a Watties ad and its aim is to get more students to score passing grades and re-enforce the Kiwi way of life. In the Kiwi Learners Course students learn such things as:
- Binge drinking
- Picking up rubbish
- Tying shoelaces
- Drunken Intercourse
- Barbecue skills
- Microwave cooking
- Hangi cooking
- Microwave in Hangi cooking
- Faking interest in Kiwi FM (very popular)
- Girl-Power and Men/Boys are all rapists, aka; you wear those skimpy clothes- stupid media telling us to waer that! blame the men!/boys!
Interesting Aspects of NCEA
NCEA is known for its ability to differentiate students of different ability very precisely. Whereas the old system gave students ambiguous percentage marks (on a scale from 0 -100 including all increments), students now look forward to really knowing where they stand with grades such as 'not achieved', achieved, merit and excellence. 'Not Achieved' is obviously the highest award, seeing as it is named after the qualification itself, and it is the most commonly gained grade. The government of New Zealand itself gave NCEA a 'not achieved' for its contributions to NZ education.
Recently the government of New Zealand have considered changing the grade of 'not achieved' to 'working towards achieved'. This is because of the high suicide rate of students scoring not achieved which the government has put down to the harsh wording of the grade.
NCEA is very easy to understand. For example:
- GPA's are reported on your results
- Perfect GPAs can be gained by not achieving all papers apart from one.
- Nobody cares how many credits you have, because it is the GPAs (your grade standard) that count.
- Not Achieved are grades that are awarded then subsequently disappear, never to be mentioned or recorded again. Legend has it that Maui fished them up and ate them.
- You can pass a paper such as Level 3 Trigonometry by answering only two questions. You can also fail by answering all the questions apart from the aforementioned two. This equates to pass = 5%, fail = 95%. Of course these percentages don't exist.
NCEA is obviously a success in that it motivates all pupils and makes NZ a smarter country.
What follows is a list of notable awardees of the distinguished NCEA qualification. Awardees are known as 'not achievers'.
- Helen Clark's Orthodontist (with distinction)
- Exclusive Brethren members
- Destiny NZ's PR advisor
- National Party's Race Relations advisor
- Exam papers completed in Te Reo Maori gain automatic Excellence grades and a complementary Treaty claim.
- In year 13 esspecially, if your not an art or pure science student, your screwed matey! Cause in some schools,thats just how it goes!
- Easy papers:
- Scholarship Geography 2004 (can be attained by students who do not take the subject during the year).
- The PE 'spend a day doing sports and getting out of the classroom, where you would normally spend time cracking lame jokes with your friends' standard. (This standard, in fact, has been applauded by various teachers and students for getting the no-brainer dipshits out of the classroom for a day so everybody else can try actually learn something for once.)
- Maori 'visit a marae' unit standard.
- 'Advanced Technological Studies' unit standard - learn to find computer's 'on' button.
- Scholarship language exams - for native speakers against those learning in school.
- The 'Kiwi Learners Course' - if you love our Watties sauce.
- The 'Drive around in a forklift or quad for 12 credits and a free job, while others write a book report and get 2 or four credits' standard.
- The Level 1 Geography standard where you get 5 credits for counting cars as they drive past.
- The 'Play Monopoly in Economics Class while your Economics Teacher (also PE teacher; thats right, I mean you Mr Holmes from Scots College) eats blocks of cheese' Standard (4 extra credits if you land on Free Parking or roll a six)
- The PE 'Throw watermelons at cars as they drive past' standard
- The "Shit on the desks in Broad Daylight" assesment (Excellence given if evidence of corn shown)
- Hard papers:
- Computing 'make Microsoft work' achievement standard.
- Fashion 'look as bad as Helen Clark's teeth' excellence standard.
- History 'Write a 500 word essay on Middle Earth' achievement standard.
- Anything with the words "Describe" or "Discuss"
- The qualification's theme song, by far the most popular aspect of NCEA, caused controversy when some declared it to be a "carbon copy" of the Village People's hit "YMCA". In September 2005, musical expert Bob Clarkson was able to put an end to these rumours, declaring that he would bet his left testicle that there was no similarity.
Despite NCEA's overwhelming popularity with the local Maori population, some schools in New Zealand are now offering alternative courses which varying degrees of success. Altogether, 2 secondary schools in New Zealand are offering alternative courses which have been met with daggers and Sharpened Mangoes(TM), a traditional New Zealand weapon. As a result, these two secondary schools are no longer in full operation. (New Zealand has 3 secondary schools.)
- Cambridge (CIE): CIE Exams generally do not occur as the mail from Britain never gets through quarantine. New Zealand implements fire as a means of sterilization of incoming mail.
- Sprite's Grand Omnipotent Course of Truth (SGOCT): SGOCT's motto is "Don't ask about the acronym". It includes a rigorous course in survival skills (eating), biology (eating), psychology (physical threats), and places a great emphasis on manual dexterity (soldat).
- Potato Grade: It has not yet been confirmed whether this is a real course. The prices are extortionate ($30,000 NZD for 16 papers). This course encourages the development of one's signature as the paper consists of 15 A4 sheets of blank paper. The idea is that you sign your name once on each piece of paper. Don't ask why, just do it.
- Jebus Examinations: Jebus examinations is endorsed by the man himself. Who wouldn't want to do this?
- Driving a forklift for 12 credits, versus reading a book, writing analysis and reporting on it in a speech for 4 credits.
New Zealand Universities do not understand NCEA. This is not a problem because New Zealand Universities have an 'open entry' policy. And plus, Universities have a totally different system similar to that of the Potato Grade.
To access reliable sources one must not achieve AS 90341 (Tentatively titled: How to Read Good and Stuff). Failure - that is, Not Achieving to do so will result in one having to resit the standard at a later date. Please note that gaining an award in NCEA by no means guarantees linguistic ability.
Also note that there are only two sources, neither reliable. According to one source (National Party), the other source is the true source (Labour). Labour claims the reverse.
Nobody actually knows how NCEA works or what the point of its existence is. Live with it.