“A motion picture must be true to life. If a picture portrays a false emotion a false emotion it trains people seeing it to react abnormally. Take the Star Wars prequels for example, why should anyone act like these people? Can you even identify what emotion, if any, they are feeling? I still don't know what the hell the Trade Federation actually did, or what kind of a religion and senate would allow artificial womb farms, or what woman would put up with that much violence from her boyfriend. At least when I played a terrorist bomber or a twelve year old in love with an assassin it made sense, I'd let my kid watch those before letting him watch his mom getting choked.”
~ Natalie Portman on the psychology of motion pictures.
800px-Natalie Portman AA 2011

Natalie Portman holding some sort of golden lightsaber.

Natalie Portman, (born Neta-Lee Hershlag, Hebrew: נטע-לי הרשלג‎‎; June 9, 1981) is an actress with dual American and Israeli citizenship and the second hottest thing to come out of Israel, eclipsed only by Gal Gadot, and possibly God, if God is also a super heroine or at least has one for a hot wife. Her first role was in the 1994 action thriller Léon: The Pedophile, opposite Jean Reno. She was later cast as Padmé Amidala in the Star Wars prequel trilogy, thinking it was a good move at the time and wouldn't nearly end her career and make her want to get a new job.

Like James Franco, Natalie Portman is actually quite intelligent and in a society that valued her useful academic research skills, would be more inspiring than any of the characters she's played, having earned a degree in psychology from Harvard to help her mind cope with the madness George Lucas had subjected her that would have destroyed any other child actor, with seemingly only her and Samuel L. Jackson's careers emerging alive from that series of nonsensical nightmares.

Léon: The Pedophile Edit

A Japanese anime about crooked DEA agents and a professional hit man, featuring Portman as a lolicon named Mathilda.

Star Wars: Episodes I, II, and III: A Psycho AnalysisEdit

Natalie Portman still wraps her analytic mind around the psychological enigma of these multi-million-dollar digital paintings that could have fed hundreds in villages across the world with the budget of even just a few seconds of these tens of thousands of computer animators, entire countries could have been given animation industries. As a Harvard-trained psychologist she must have spent countless hour looking for an explanation as to what the apparent meaning and moral of these movies is and what the artist was thinking when they were making it, other than "Jar Jar is the key to all this" and "It's like poetry, they rhyme." It seems the only value of the film and its confusing storyline is as a diagnostic tool akin to a Rorshach test or the Thematic apperception test, where one creates a story to go along with images to make sense of them, as the alleged story presented makes less sense than what a random child would come up with playing with plastic toy army men; the Galactic Civil war is an unexplained war of secession in what is pretty much the political equivalent to killing someone just for no longer hanging out with you and nothing more. The moral you take from the Galactic Senate is that all groups have to stick together forever or else. Let go you must! Just not of power, ever, for any reason. In conclusion: the Star Wars prequels are just not as well thought out as something your child could randomly come up with on the spot.

V for Versatility: Please don't type cast me! Edit

In V for Vendetta Portman manages to balance romance, politics and action on a knifes edge, doing all the things the Star Wars prequels attempted and failed to do, even with a brooding masked figure in black with a blade. V unlike Anakin valued his partner’s input, leaving the decision to blow up parliament in her hands, he could also carry on a conversation about something other than work or telling his partner she’s hot, while Anakin talks only about what his bosses think of him, and how hot Padme is.

V cooks for Evey, and serenades her with music, art and quotes from literature; while it’s mere fan conjecture at this point whether Anakin ever learned how to cook anything, even Yoda’s soup recipe, he never even reads Padme the full Jedi code which isn’t even a page long, his entire religion is seemingly less complicated than the standard length poem. V has a cool apartment, albeit one she is not allowed to leave, featuring stolen paintings, a wall of books, a jukebox and a suit of knight armor for fencing practice. Who knows if the Jedi even let Anakin have his own room or if he just slept in the monk’s barracks, it wasn’t important enough to make the final cut. Evey like Anakin, gets a haircut following her conversion, but more like an actual Buddhist monk, even though she's just a detainee, however unlike Anakin we actually see her undergo formalized training with her teacher in the form of hellish physical and psychological conditioning to resist torture, whereas who knows what Anakin’s Jedi training actually consisted of, or if the Jedi temple had a gym, that's just a tiny little personal detail that’s not nearly as important as the big budget CGI picture.

When Evey and V talked politics it was about things they both agreed on, like fascism being bad; when Padme and Anakin talked politics they just argued about whether the Confederacy of Independent Systems had a right to leave an ineffective political union and whether enforcing that union through violence was really the right thing to do in a society that claims to value personal freedoms (the answer is yes for both political and marital unions according to the Jedi church). Really, the worst thing V has going on is that part of his basement looks like a death camp, and he abducts unconscious women rather than let them get tortured by the police whom just earlier tried to rape them, which really when, compared to murdering a bunch of innocent children in a village massacre, killing a bunch of kids again in church, than choking your pregnant wife, isn’t that unforgivable. V for Vendetta is definitely the better date movie about the rise of fascist politics and stabbing government officials, and it won't raise the question of where babies come from, unlike the clone factories in Attack of the Clones, so it's much more kid friendly, seeing as explaining sex is a bigger issue for most parents than just having lots of explosions and blood.

The Avenge-hers Edit

Like most superheroes girlfriends in the MCU, Jane Foster pretty much disappears after the first movie conveniently just to prove the hero wasn't gay, than get out of the way, she is played by a framed photo in The Avengers and had to be tricked into coming back for Thor: The Dark World by hiring than firing a female director, because Disney knows she's eventually going to be wielding that hammer to help them compete with Wonder Woman so she has them by the balls.

In the first one she got to be a detained scientist and have her homeless boyfriend live with her a while, that's slightly better than being rescued.

Black Swan in the Perfect Blue Edit

For Black Swan, someone watched the anime Perfect Blue about an idol singer being stalked, much as Chris Nolan watched Paprika than took out the psychologist and replaced her with dream burglars for Inception. You know what they say about imitation being the highest form of flattery, except for stalking your idols, at least that's what George Lucas told Akira Kurosawa.

See also Edit