Natalie Portman
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
|  This article needs love | |
| This article is currently in a bad state, but all it needs is a little love. Please give some love by rewriting it. | ||
| Feminine Articles |
 |
| Articles About Feminine Issues |
 |
“Even though I have manly boobs, they're still not all sticky-dirty like Paris Hilton's!”
~ Natalie Portman
“I'd love to give her a hand with that.”
~ Shaun Paul Wayn
“Although many find me to be an obnoxious bitch, I must say that I agree.”
~ Natalie Portman
“She's hot for a Jew.”
~ Josef Roslan on Natalie Portman
Natalie Imbruglia Portman born Natalie Her Slag (June 9 1992-), Although she's an up-and- coming actress and ex-wife to Justin Chatwin, she's more well known for her appeal to young men between the ages of 9 and 76. A study of a random sample of men in Long Island showed that only 50% of them had remembered her from her roles in big-budget movies such as Star Wars or V for Vendetta as opposed to remembering her from the Topic of the Day on their TEEN IRC chatrooms. Natalie Portman is a HOTTIE!
Contents |
[edit] Biography
Natalie was born to Ghandi and Cleopatra in 1992 in the back of a Chevy Astro van. Her parents originally named her Nizhantkpt-tongueclick-yupinly. The pregnancy was accidental, and both parents agreed that it would be best for her if they put her up for adoption.
Natalie was put into a small breadbasket made of woven twigs and covered with a pink and yellow Winnie the Pooh blanket, which she caries to this day and has lovingly named "Tickle." Cleopatra then released Natalie into the Nile River where she floated for nearly a decade until she ended up in the sewers of New York City.
Natalie commonly likes to say that she "really love[s] the states", but "her heart is in Jerusalem". This is a lie, because everybody knows that she's actually from Egypt, though that would carry a great stigma, considering what would have happened to the Jewish people in Egypt if it weren't for Moses -- circa 1800 AD.
It was Pedro from Napoleon Dynamite who found Natalie floating in the sewers of New York City in 1981, which is now largely believed to be the date she was born. Natalie's genes from Cleopatra have made her age considerably slower than an average human, and the diet taught to her by her father, Ghandi, has led to her petite figure.
It is believed by the scientific community that Natalie could very well live into the early 55th century.
Nizhantkpt-tongueclick-yupinly was eventually renamed to Natalie by Pedro's father, Bob Dylan. Natalie was raised by Bob Dylan and Pedro until the early 1940s. She became smitten with an internet lover with the screen name "1337HitlerW00T". He paid for her flight to Germany where they were immediately married. Natalie and her lover -- who was later discovered to be Adolf Hitler -- lived together for the next couple of years until tragedy struck.
It is believed that a business venture that the young Hitler had gambled on did not pay off, and he consequently took his life. Moreover, he had been doing Natalie wrong with some slut named Eve, or something like that. Shortly after, Natalie moved back home where she remained with Bob Dylan and Pedro until 1999 when at the age of 77, she moved into her own place.
[edit] Career
Natalie has starred in numerous movies, including Jungle Book, Star Wars, V for Vendetta, Leon, and Garden State. She also appeared in Preteen Slut Episode V: Attack of the Clowns (2002) (originally released as Preteen Slut Episode II: Buttsluts Go Nuts V) as the character of Petme. It is speculated that those movies have been so successful because most guys think Natalie will love them if they buy her movies. This belief has been found to be untrue, according to researchers at the Institute for Lonely Geeky Guys. She had a child on October 8th, 1993 named Alex Zdatny.
It is a little-known fact that in some scenes of Star Wars Episode 1, Natalie was replaced by Rosie O'Donnell. The makeup was thus used to cover the true identity of the actor, and Natalie was released to go to the hospital to have her first child, who was fathered by Michael Jackson. The child was left at The Neverland Ranch where he is being raised by his father so that Natalie may further pursue her career.
Presently, Natalie is signed to act in three upcoming movies. In one scene of the E! Hollywood True Story about Natalie Portman, she can be seen standing in front of "The Busty Blonde" filming studio. That, matched with the fact that Natalie's agent will only acknowledge her role in two upcoming mainstream films suggests that she might be pursuing a stiff-porn career.
[edit] Other
Currently, Natalie Portman is in secret negotiations with The Guinness Book of World Records. It'll only be a few years until she's the oldest human being alive, though she wants to be listed under an alias so as not to jeopardize her acting career. She also doesn't want to lose her adoring fan base of 13- year-old boys.
Look for her to be listed as Gertrude Leary.
Current records, however, include: 1. Most Google searches ever "Natalie Portman + legs (and/or tits)" 2. Female Homo Sapiens least likely to be impressed by the chat up line- "Hi Nat! I'm a Halal Butcher from Croydon-fancy a kebab?"
[edit] Natalie Portman's Hot Grits
An excerpt of the Brothers Grimm's lesser-known story Thy Trolls Doth Slash revealed a food recipe named Natalie Portman's Hot Grits the trolls used to strengthen themselves with, which was described as follows:
- 1 lesser troll infected by meme
- 10 pounds of hot grits
- 1 decapitated head of a naked medusa
- 3 oz. of ashes from a burnt underwear of choice
- 6 pounds of canned vagina
