Naruto
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“This show is about ninjas...but where are the ninjas?”
~ Oscar Wilde on Naruto
Naruto (ナルト, NARUTO) is one of those Japanese things that came from Japan. Created by Masashi Kishimoto, it includes "ninjas", violence, gore, and great character development. Kishimoto claims to have included these aspects into the series since "It's what the kids dig, man." Kishimoto has since become a very rich individual, ranking up with the likes of "America's Greatest Hero" himself, Howard Hughes. Due to the immense popularity of the anime adaptation of the series, Kishimoto has since surpassed even this level of richness. Most people make the mistake of assuming the main characters are the ninjas, however they're actually the exact opposites of ninjas. It's impossible to find the real ninjas, as they are invisible.
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Plot
Twelve years before the start of the series, Naruto Uzumaki was born. And there was a big stink about a giant racoon or something. Naruto was a social reject until he beat up a ninja. He got away with it by claiming that the ninja was evil. Naruto was made a ninja himself for his "brave actions".
Naruto, however, is still a scrub! The non-scrub ninjas select him to be put in Team 7, with two fellow scrubs. So these three young ninja are assigned to form a three-person team under an experienced Molester named Kakashi Hatake.
Characters
Nobody likes characters without personality. But too much personality can make the manga just characters bragging about themselves. Naruto treads this line by heavily featuring many of its characters in one story arc, removing them for several story arcs, and plopping them down back in the plot later with a new look. The following characters are (mostly) exempt from this rule due to their importance.
Naruto Uzumaki
When they were giving out brains, Naruto got what is believed to be a red panda brain instead. The plot revolves around Naruto and "pals" doing some stuff and playing Nintendo. Naruto likes pranks but he did not got anything at last. His classmates make fun of him for his bright orange costume and raspy voice. He is also thought of as a massive prick.
Naruto Clone #1 - #1000:
Yeah you don't see these guys much. *cough*
Sasuke Uchiha
Whozzat? the fella' with the "atomic" eyes or something? Yeah, all I can say is that he's FUCKING EMO! He hates nearly everything. He fucked Orochimaru to death. He only likes Donald Duck. But became more EMO when he realised that Donald Duck isn't real. He is paid by the hour by girls, but Sakura's a tough one(too cheapskate). Anyway, he's EMO!
Sakura Haruno
Formerly almost entirely useless, Sakura has notably developed high-level medical skills and monstrous strength, due to her newfound strong willpower and an extensive amount of training with the legendary sannin Tsunade, aka "The Legendary Sucker For these reasons, Sakura represents the single greatest change of a characterever in Naruto.
The leader of team 7, who spends most of his time protecting his students and keeping them unified. However, he was not a good enough leader to keep a 12-year-old Sasuke from defecting to one of the major villians's side. It also might have been because of that one technique he often used...
Sai
Sasuke's replacement. Unlike angsty teenagers who merely whine about how they have no social skills, Sai really does not, in fact, have any social skills, as instead of actual experience his Umbridgian superiors forced him to get acquainted with the subject through a series of educational videos (this is not said outright, but heavily implied). Sai's main weapon is the deadly art of insultery, as seen in the following example.
Sai: You're weak. Do you even have a penis?
Guybrush: Why? Did you want to borrow one? (Guybrush wins).
Yamato
Kakashi's temporary replacement. He controls wood.
Jiraiya
A typical, boring, generic, perverted, old man. His story involvement is "small" at first but gets "larger" as the "plot" progresses. His story eventually reaches its "climax" when he enters the Akatsuki "hideout".
Orochimaru
Black-haired, pale, and noseless, Orochimaru is a major antagonist. He was the source of many of the events of the series until he died unexpectantly on 25th June 2009. Many servants of Orochimaru flocked to his hideout to pay their respects.
Tsunade
The 5th Hokage, whose most distinctive feature is her large, round, eyes. Before she became Hokage, she was known as "The Legendary Sucker".[1] She had a maid named Shizune, however she was killed by some guy named Pain. Two of the three Legendary Sannin have been killed, although whether you'd class Michael, er, Orochimaru as dead I don't know. Tsunade is under coma after seeing Naruto stripped in front of her.
Akatsuki
An evil, evil organization who wants to capture all of the giant animals in the world. Its members are killed off one by one shortly after they take off their cloaks. Many fans believe their cloaks are composed of mithril.
Sasuke's older brother, who killed the entire Uchiha family (except for Sasuke). The reason why he acted that way, long time ago, Itachi took too much Sake that time, then he raped his mother, and guess who was borned? Well, I wonder why he killed his entire family. Actually, the whole family were plotting to boycott the fella' by taking away his allowance. Poor guy. One of the Akatsuki's most prominant members and the one with the potential to overtake Deidara in both popularity and fan-girls. Once was a bad-ass bad guy, but after later being revealed to have been protecting Sasuke all along, he became a not-so-bad-ass tragic hero, but a mighty popular one never the less.
Kisame Hoshigaki: A half man, half shark ninja whom is a member of Akatsuki. He is the son of well known shark Jaws. A lesser known fact is he was a member of that old band Eiffel 65 where he hit it big with the song "Blue". He fights with a giant popsicle stick and has a tendency to ask his opponents before hand if they heard of him. If they respond yes, regardles of their gender he will want to get "acquainted" with them later. Should they respond no, he cuts them to ribbons.
Kimiboner: aka Kimimaro, is known for using his own bones to attack. He can literally rip off his spine, resulting in trauma to the opponent. He had white hair since he was a child, but strangely, was the only one of his clan. Also, his episodes are full of interesting flashbacks, where they show the exact same ones at least 5 times a day.
Kidomaru: The spiderman of Naruto. He spends to much time chewing on webs and takes hours to do a single attack, only to fail each time.
Sakon: The only gay eskimo in the show. He has a brother living inside him that only comes out when he needs to scare someone. He is the leader and the most powerful of the sound four (according to the official site) but he takes a beating by Kiba (wow thats bad!). After showing some more of his useless techniques, he gets raped by a puppet.
Jirobo: The typical fat guy in a group of bad guys. His objective is to find another fat person to fight with. He has a powerful technique, that consists in giving shelter to everyone under a rock. Shikamaru and his team don't like it because of the lack of light inside, despite they're being able to see each other well. Every member of the sound four makes fun of Jirobo because hes fat and has a stupid haircut.
Tayuya: The tomboy of the sound four. She curses a lot to show how hardcore she is. Her only weapon is a flute that can get annoying sometimes. Strangely, no one has ever remember to take it from her. Tayuya fights with Shikamaru in a interesting match where his shadow jutsu grabs her boobs. Later, shes crushed by a three, making me cry and scream "WHY?? WHY?!?" because she was cool and hot.
That Person
A mysterious Person about which nothing is known, except that he/she/it caused "That Incident" by using "That Technique". Many people, including most of Akatsuki, have claimed to be That Person, but none of them have ever been able to prove it.
Kiba Inuzaka & Akamaru: Also known as The Dog because... well... he isnt easy on the eyes... His fighting style is closely related to the "Dog Chasing Its Tail" martial art. This style of martial art requires the use of a dog, in this case Akamaru, to distract the enemy by being so cute (oh wait, in this case , is it kawaii? Or do I need less self-respect to pull that off?), where upon Kiba would consequently piss on them, thus humiliating the enemy to the point of killing themselves to regain their honor. He is defeated by farting in his face.
Hinata Huuuugega: Hinata seems like a quiet and very shy girl. You know what they say about shy girls right? Hinata has a crush on Naruto and often dreams of him (in rather sexual dreams that is). Hinata, along with her cousin have the ability of Byakugen, which allows them to use x-ray vision to observe a person's underwear. "They're killer in the sack"[2] During Pein's angst rampage through Konoha, Hinata tells Naruto she thinks he is hot and then randomly attacks Pein, only to have her ass handed too her and prompting Naruto to asplode into a six-tailed skeletal fox thing. Hinata is also fairly large. Naruto doesn't like big butts.
Shino Aburame: Also known as the Bug Guy or Bug Man by those who can't be bothered to name him. He wears his large coat to illegally sell DVDs to people, although most the DVDs are about bugs ironically. Shino keeps bugs in his body, to make him all wiggly and jiggly. He is possibly the only person in existence to get a kick out of watching Starship Troopers.
Asuma Sarutobi: A jonnin with almost no abilities whatsoever. His only redeeming qualities he is the most normal looking jonnin (as opposed to Kakashi and Guy whom are both freaks) and his cool cigarettes. Oh and he's got these super, special, awesome brass knuckles with a blade at the end which he can add a wind element too. He's pretty gangsta with those knucks and he had a good fan following too. His girlfriend Kurenai is a sweet piece of ass too. Sadly, he was killed by a rival gang member, Hidan.
Kurenai Yuhi: Kurenai is one of the hottest ninja in Naruto. Sure her eyes are red, but hey it's all good. She's talented in genjutsu (a ninjutsu that involved illusions). She was dating her pimp Asuma Sarutobi and soon after got pregnant with his child. Sadly, she fell into a deep depression following his death at Akatsuki's resident gangaster Hidan
Shikamaru Nara: The genius of Naruto with an IQ of over 200. He is badass. 'Nuff said.
Ino Yamanaka: A blonde who is superior to Sakura in every way possible, although, even the name Yamanakanakanaka shows she talks too much. She made friends with Sakura in the past, but Sakura then broke up the friendship to try and pursue Sasuke. Ino soon realises that she herself is a clone of Sakura, even cutting her hair to match her.
Choji Akimichi: A fat guy, often called Fat Guy by those who can't be bothered to name him. He has a bottomless stomach and eats endless amounts of crips, often competing with Gary Linicker for packets of food. Choji dislikes being called fat and literally crushes anyone who insults him. When fighting one of the Gay Four, Choji transforms into a butterfly and kills the enemy with pollen.
Rock Lee: Rock Lee is a clone of his teacher, Might Gai. Also known as Brushy Brow, Rock Lee is an awesome fighter and dancer. He broke his back during a fight with Gaara, and spent half of the series doing nothing. Also his role model is Bruce Lee, but isn't that obivious? Rock Lee enjoys wearing spandex and Believes in a Thing Called Love.
Neji Hyuuga: Neji is the cool cousin of Hinata. He has cool moves such as 'Gentle Fist' which is a move with involves no fists whatsoever but rather two fingers, for some reason he is a hit with the ladies. Also his eyes go all cool and veiny too. He is that cool. Neji at first seemed to hate Hinata because she wasn't cool, but he later learnt to respect her and considered her to be cool too. Cool! Neji loves everything about Destiny... her shiny hair, her captivating eyes... oh sorry I didn't know her name was Tenten. Neji enjoys using his 'Gentle Fist' on Tenten.
Tenten: I'm sorry, who? What's that you say? Doesn't that come after Ninenine? Tenten enjoys helping Neji with his 'Gentle Fist'.
Anko Mitarashi: A lesbian, Anko used to be Orochimaru's bitch, until he took on the personality of a female ninja. Anko is the proctor for the second phase of the Chunin Arcs. She likes to eat spicy foods and other types of shit. She is also a heavy drinker. She likes to use her tongue in various ways hoho...
Gaara: Gaara is a ninja from the Sand Village. He is nicknamed Gaara of the Desert. He uses sand to attack. He usually spends his time walking round beaches stomping on children’s sand castles, to show people he’s hardcore. He is possibly one of the only characters in Naruto to not yell the names of his attacks before executing them, possibly not wanting to draw attention to his conspicuous hand gesture. Also, he really likes to kill people, making him even worse than that guy who likes to melt stuff. Gaara does not take critisism well and killed a critique in the Forest Of Death for saying his Sand Coffin Sculpture resembled a retarded Christmas tree.
Kankorou: After living for over ten years with his psychopathic kill-crazy brother, Gaara, Kankorou’s psyche has been driven to breaking point, causing him to develop strong romantic feelings for wooden puppets, which he keeps on his person at all times. His habit of constantly talking to them has eventually driven him to marry and divorce each one of them in turn. He says he hates children, though ironically his most powerful attack is a somewhat less child-friendly version of pop-up-pirate.
Temari: Not much is known about Temari although she is famed for being able to censor out any shots under her skirt with Anti-Perv no Jutsu. She seems to be even more of a violent gal than Sakura, though this may be attributed to having an enraged killing machine for a brother. She fights using a giant iron fan and is the currently ranking #1 Arm Wrestler. Oh, and she can summon Itachi, I mean a weasel. Yay! But hey, at least these abilties count for something and at least she actually has abilities unlike other people. (Yeah, I'm talking to you Tenten, Sakura... well no Ninenine's good with her tools.) She is often shown to be with Nara Shikamaru, (YES, I DID IT, I said his last name first, 'coz we're going Japanese here.) And we all know they're getting it on.
Dosu: The single most awesome character in Naruto. His most powerful technique is the legendary head-tilt. He was sent by Orochimaru to kick Sasuke's ass for being too friggin' emo to join the Sound Village, unfortunately, he was pwnt by Gaara for no particular reason. However, he remains the most awesome character in the series, just ask his dubious amounts of fans. Similarly to Shino, Temari and Tenten (seriously, who?), little is know about him or his background. I mean, come on, the series is about 80% flashbacks and he only appears in one!? What's up with that?
Haku: Man (or is it woman?). Oh well, he/she died anyway, like almost every other Naruto character. Is famed for having a kick ass theme tune 'Man, I feel like a Woman.'
Zabuza: Kept Haku as a sex slave, molesting him every day. He's dead. Famous quote from Zabuza: 'Mmmpphh Mmpph I wnnnht mhyy Zabuza Sword!! Mmph'!
Iruka: Naruto's foster dad since his real dad died. Iruka often spends time listening to Naruto's brainless gripes and has a scar across his face, caused by the demon fox whilst he parents were shopping for towels. He is very sturdy, capable of withstanding having a metal staryu imbedded in his spine. Appears to be a important character when he is infact fodder. He thinks of himself as a robot ninja and is unharmed by metal staryus.
Kabuto: Orochimaru's gay sidekick. He has his own Naruto trading card game and he wishes to become either James Bond or Orochimaru. He has grey hair despite his young age. He is not a Pokemon.
The Third Hokage: An old man who used to be in charge of Konoha, and the teacher of Michael Jackson, Jiraiya and Tsunade. He grows senile with every episode that passes until he doesn't even know his own gender. He fights Orochimaru but dies in Donkey Kong's arms, but not before he paralyzes Orochimaru's arms.
Anime & Manga
If a manga manages to stick around for a while, it automatically receives an anime adaptation. Naruto's anime adaptation is most notable for its year-long streak of fillers (episodes not derived from the manga), which were critically acclaimed by almost everyone who watched them. The fillers served as the Jar-Jar Binks-style comic relief to the Qui-Gon-style blandness of the manga storyline.
But if downloading a subtitled Japanese broadcast version isn't your forté, you'll be interested in the English adaptation which airs on Adult Swim's TV-PG-oriented evening lineup. Don't worry if you don't know what anyone's talking about. Watch enough episodes and you'll be tearing through the anime as effectively as Sasuke's Chidori tore through Sabaku no Gaara's Suna no Tate during the third Chunin exams! [3]
Notable Episodes
- Episode 1: Naruto graffitis statues, runs around a lot, fails his ninja test by creating a future version of himself during the fall of his career, steals an important scroll that tells how to break into the Krusty Krab and spawns into billions of clones to beat up a queer fella. He gets Iruka's headband as a reward.
- Episode 3: Naruto, Sakura and Sasuke form Team 7. Nothing much else happens except Sakura nearly kisses Sasuke who is actually Naruto in disguise.
- Episode 4-5: Team 7 have to fight Kakashi into order to get a pair of bells. Naruto gets sexually assaulted by Kakashi, Sasuke half buried in dirt and Sakura does nothing.
- Episode 6-20: Team 7 help a drunken old man to fight against Zabuza and his big ass sword, Mickey Mouse and a transexual.
- Episode 21: Gaara and his siblings show up!
- Episode 22-36: The Genin ninjas participate in the Chewing Exams to become better ninjas. They first participate in a wacky exam where they must cheat to win, and then survive for about a week in a deadly forest. Orochimaru appears as a woman and bites Sasuke, leaving him with an evil tattoo. Sakura has a five seconds moment of fame where she cuts her hair and beats up a Sound Ninja before Sasuke breaks his arms. Naruto spends the whole time being stupid and asleep.
- Episode 37-51: The surviving ninjas who made it out of the forest, which are all main characters, must all duke it out Mortal Kombat style to lower the finalists in the exam. Sasuke beats down Animeflagger123; Shino fills that sound guy with bugs; Kankuro drives another guy mad with his scary-looking puppet; Sakura and Ino face off with rubbish moves and too many flashbacks, both of them disqualified for talking too much; Temari literally kicks Tenten's ass; Shikamaru makes a girl knock herself out; Kiba and Akamaru go Wolverine on Naruto but are defeated by a fart; Hinata is sadly defeated by Neji the Cool Idiot and Naruto vows to avenge her using floor ketchup; Rock Lee rules the world with his amazing moves but his back is snapped by Gaara; and Choji is blown up by the mummy man. Orochimaru also tries to rape Sasuke.
- Episode 52-57: Jiraiya shows up for some action.
- Episode 58: Gaara goes gaga and tries to kill Lee.
- Episode 59-67: The surviving ninjas face-off. Naruto and Hinata have a nice chat and Naruto beats Neji senseless; Shikamaru surrenders to Temari even though he is about to win (idiot); Kankuro surrenders to Shino before the match even starts; and Gaara goes bonkers again, eats too ninjas and battles Sasuke, who defeats Gaara, sending him overboard.
- Episode 68-79: The Hidden Leaf Village is attacked by people of the Sand village, Sound village and the Smurf Village. Gaara is revealed to have a giant raccoon inside him and he and a clone of the Ninetails fight. Gaara loses and become a good guy.
- Episode 80: The Third Hokage dies in Donkey Kong's arms but not before paralyzing Orochimaru's arms. Everyone gives him flowers and Naruto briefly goes emo. So sad!
- Episode 81: Itachi and Jaws show up. The fanbase cheers!
- Episode 101: Team 7 discover Kakashi wears two masks.
- Episode 109: Sasuke, his emoism getting the better of him, follows five of Orochimaru's hellspawn and leaves the village. Sakura is not loved.
- Episode 110-130: Naruto, Shikamaru, Choji, Neji, Kiba and Akamaru chase Sasuke and the hellspawn, each stopping to fight and kill one. Lee appears and fights the last.
- Episode 131-134: Naruto and Sasuke have a big Matrix Revolutions-style fight. Naruto falls unconscious and Sasuke wanders off.
- Episode 135-220: The Fillers begin!!! Hinata gets naked in the first episodes; Lee becomes drunk; that queer guy from Episode 1 comes back as a tiger man; Kiba and Akamaru have puppies; George Bush tries to blow up the village; Sakura still does nothing; the show crosses over with Bleach and Inuyasha briefly, which many fans loved; Tsunade flashes Naruto; and Gaara fights a big monster in the last episodes. Naruto and Jiraiya go off to train for three years.
- Naruto Shippuden Episodes: In Naruto Shippuden, the sequel to the original show, due to the endless filler episodes, the plot and characters were half dead and a lot of time was needed to get all the ninjas back up on their feet. Unfortunately, the writers quit during the Writer's Strike and a bunch of monkeys were hired to write Shippuden. As a result, the saga were slow and sluggish and nothing was really happening. The first arc involved Akatsuki kidnapping Gaara to gangrape him and stealing his racoon form. The second arc saw the introductions of Sai and Yamato, two useless ninjas to join Team 7. Team 7 head off to find Sasuke, who even more of an emo than before. Orochimaru reveals he is Michael Jackson and makes Naruto turn into his crazy fox form again. Sasuke is eventually found but he is as miserable as ever and shoves off. Returning to Konoha, Sai learns to try and be a good friend...he fails miserably. The group then get caught in another dreaded filler arc in they must help a whining monk kid called Sora (not the cool Keyblader of the same name) who has part of the Ninetails inside him. After Naruto gets seduced by a hot lady with living hair and kills Sora, several groups of ninja head off to hunt down Hidan and Kakuzu after they blow up an the hideout of the Axis of Evildoers. Shikamaru, Asuma, and two dudes who guard the entrance to Konoha are sent to fight Hidan and Kakuzu but that fight results in...ASUMA'S DEATH!!! Shikamaru, Ino, Choji and Kakashi set out to kick the badguys' asses. They succeed, Naruto and his bunch joining the fray. Shikamaru traps Hidan in a deep hole in Bambi's forest and buries him, whilst Naruto blows up Kakuzu with an overly uncessary wind shuriken throw of doom. A whole bunch of episode involving Kakashi and Team Leftovers going into Sherwood Forest to fight some lady with crystal powers, a strange boy/girl and Kabuto from awakening the three-tailed turtle.
Manga
The Manga is a bit ahead of the anime, and a lot has been happening. Orochimaru attempts to do unpleasant things to Sasuke, but Sasuke instead decides to do unpleasant things to Orochimaru and kills him before stomping off. He fights Deidara who plans to bomb the local Taco Bell and throw shoes as George Bush, but he blows himself up instead to kill Sasuke, but fails. Sasuke then gathers together the descendants of Count Dracula, Frankenstein and the Creature from the Black Lagoon to track down his brother Itachi. Lady Tsunade sends out Naruto, Sakura, Sai, Kakashi, Yamato, Hinata, Shino, Kiba & Akamaru to find Sasuke. Sasuke locates Itachi and they play Guitar Hero until Itachi has his eyes poked out and dies (needless to say the manga lost 95% of its audience and received a lot of angry hatemail from fangirls). Sasuke discovers from Tobi that Itachi was asked by the Third Hokage to mess up the Uchicha clan for fun, but he took it to the extreme. Jiraiya fights Pein, leader of Akatsuki, but his scary eyes beat him down and kill him (more hatemail followed). Naruto found out and does frog training with an old toad whilst Sasuke vowed to blow up Konoha - unfortunately Pein beats him to it. In the aftermath of Konoha's destruction, Shizune, Tsunade's buttplug has had a soul removed by Pein and people from Bleach. Kakashi may also be dead as he was knocked out by Pein and found his dad by a campfire. Naruto, after training with a Yoda toad to gain a super sage mode, returns to find Pein but is pinned down by Pein's hair extensions. Hinata then shocked the entire Naruto community by telling Naruto she loved and then attacking Pein only to be sent flying and then stabbed by Pein, causing Naruto to asplode and transform into a six-tailed form of the Ninetails, also the son of SkullGreymon from Digimon. Such epic drama, filled to the brim with dynamic character development and mind boggling plot twists, has never been seen before in the history of mankind. However, Hinata survived, Naruto reverted back to his human form after briefly becoming the skinless eight-tailed fox form and fought Pein, really named Nagato, by talking to him. Nagato killed himself but revived all those who had died in Konoha's destruction. Sadly, Lady Tsunade randomly fell into a coma and Danzo, a smug turtle man, becomes the sixth Hokage.
Fandom
“KISHI U SUCK ASS!!! WHY U TAKING MANGA IN THIS DRECTION?? THESE R NOT UR DECISIONS 2 MAKE KISHI!! ONLY U COULD RUIN A SERIES IN LESS THAN 20 PAGES!!![4]”
~ A Concerned Fan on Naruto
As seen above, many fans have constructive criticism for Naruto. Not all fans are like this, however. Many fans have blind, unrelenting faith in the series. These "Naruphiles" are zombie-like in their endless support of the series. The following is a Naruphile's response to the above quote.
“Kishi kicks ass! screw ALL HATERS! Naruto knocks all the other shows dead with "1000 years of deATH!!!" Wooot! woot! Yeah, in yer fuckin face crash n' burn !”
~ Naruphile on Naruto
Note the subtle interplay between the respective first sentences. The first fan applies capitilization liberally, while the second mostly shuns it except for two inexplicable outbursts.
References
See Also
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