Naruto
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“This show is about ninjas...but where are the ninjas?”
~ Oscar Wilde on Naruto
Naruto (ナルト, NARUTO) is one of those Japanese things that came from Japan. Created by Masashi Kishimoto, it includes "ninjas", violence, gore, and great character development. Kishimoto claims to have included these aspects into the series since "It's what the kids dig, man." The series has been a huge sucess worldwide for unexplainable reasons, and has made Kishimoto a very rich man. Due to the immense popularity of the anime adaptation of the series, Kishimoto is sure to have made even more money (and make him eager to continue the series like there's no end of it). Most people make the mistake of assuming the main characters are the ninjas, however they're actually the exact opposites of ninjas. It's impossible to find the real ninjas, as they are invisible.
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Plot
Twelve years before the start of the series, Naruto Uzumaki was born. And there was a big stink about a giant racoon or something. Naruto was a social reject until he beat up a ninja. He got away with it by claiming that the ninja was evil. Naruto was made a ninja himself for his "brave actions".
Naruto, however, is still a scrub! The non-scrub ninjas select him to be put in Team 7, with two fellow scrubs. So these three young ninja are assigned to form a three-person team under an experienced ninja named Kakashi Hatake.
Characters
Nobody likes characters without personality. But too much personality can make the manga just characters bragging about themselves. Naruto treads this line by heavily featuring many of its characters in one story arc, removing them for several story arcs, and plopping them down back in the plot later with a new look. The following characters are (mostly) exempt from this rule due to their importance.
Naruto Uzumaki
When they were giving out brains, Naruto got what is believed to be a brain the size of a walnut instead, which makes him retarded as a result and was the source of name calling for Sakura. The plot revolves around Naruto and "pals" doing some stuff and playing Nintendo. His classmates make fun of him for his bright orange costume and raspy voice. He is also thought of as a massive prick by everyone.
Naruto has exactly two techniques throughout the entire series: creating multiple, slightly more annoying versions of himself using "Shadow Clones", and putting all of his teenage angst into a tiny blue ball of chakra whilst shoving it into one's chest, back, or groin area. All other techniques are variations on these two techniques. Naruto somehow expects to become the greatest ninja in his entire village and leader of the free ninja world knowing how to do exactly two things.
Sasuke "The Beast" Uchiha
Naruto's first team-mate. He wants to have revenge against his brother Itachi for killing his whole family except for him - making Sasuke a true role model for 12-year-old children like him everywhere. Seeing everyone he loved murdered before his eyes has also caused him to act all dark and angsty. He possesses a magic eyeball that can steal any move and impress the ladies, even though he has no interest in them. In addition to all of this, he swallowed the series' main villain, Orochimaru whole. HIS DARKNESS IS TOO STRONG!
Sakura Haruno
Formerly almost entirely useless, Sakura has notably developed high-level medical skills and monstrous strength, due to her newfound strong willpower and an extensive amount of training with the legendary sannin Tsunade, aka "The Legendary Sucker For these reasons, Sakura represents the single greatest change of a characterever in Naruto.
The leader of Team 7, who spends most of his time protecting his students and keeping them unified. However, he was not a good enough leader to keep a 12-year-old Sasuke from defecting to one of the major villains' side. It also might have been because of that one technique he often used...
Sai
Sasuke's replacement. Unlike angsty teenagers who merely whine about how they have no social skills, Sai really does not, in fact, have any social skills, as instead of actual experience his Umbridgian superiors forced him to get acquainted with the subject through a series of educational videos (this is not said outright, but heavily implied). Sai's main weapon is the deadly art of insultery, as seen in the following example.
Sai: You're weak. Do you even have a penis?
Guybrush: Why? Did you want to borrow one? (Guybrush wins).
Yamato: Kakashi's temporary replacement. He's really good at growing wood.
Jiraiya: A perverted old hermit. His story involvement is "small" at first but gets "larger" as the "plot" progresses. His story eventually reaches its "climax" when he enters the Akatsuki "hideout".
Orochimaru: Black-haired, pale, and noseless, Orochimaru is a major antagonist. He was the source of many of the events of the series until he died unexpectedly on June 25th, 2009. Many servants of Orochimaru flocked to his hideout to pay their respects.
Tsunade: The 5th Hokage, whose most distinctive feature is her large, round, eyes. Before she became Hokage, she was known as "The Legendary Sucker".[1] She had a maid named Shizune, however she was killed by some guy named Pain. Tsunade is currently under coma after seeing Naruto strip in front of her.
Akatsuki: An evil organization who wants to capture all of the giant animals in the world. It's members are killed off one by one shortly after they take off their cloaks. Many fans believe their cloaks are composed of mithril.
Itachi Uchiha: Sasuke's older brother, who killed the entire Uchiha family (except for Sasuke). Actually, the whole family was plotting to boycott him by taking away his allowance. One of the Akatsuki's most prominant members and the one with the potential to overtake Deidara in both popularity and fan-girls. Once was a bad-ass bad guy, but after later being revealed to have been protecting Sasuke all along, he became a not-so-bad-ass tragic hero, but a mighty popular one never the less.
Kisame Hoshigaki :A half man, half shark ninja whom is a member of Akatsuki. He is the son of well known shark Jaws. He fights with a giant popsicle stick and has a tendency to ask his opponents before hand if they heard of him. If they respond yes, regardles of their gender he will want to get "acquainted" with them later. Should they respond no, he cuts them to ribbons.
Deidara: The flamboyant and arrogant terrorist of Akatsuki. He has more than one mouth (two on his hand, one on his face, one on his chest, and one elsewhere). He had a tendency to blow shit up to compensate for the fact that he had a ridiculously low amount of self-esteem. He met his end when he ever so childishly blew himself up when Fagsuke didn't appreciate his artwork.
Hidan: Probably the only white character in the show whom acts blacker than The Raikage, his brother, and most of the Hidden Cloud Village's population. He is the Akatsuki's resident foul-mouthed, overly-religious, gangster/vampire/religious zealot. It is heavily implied that he took anarchy and laughing classes from the Joker himself and it is evidently shown whenever he enters his psycho-clown mode. His only real accomplishment on the show was killing Konoha's resident gangster jonin, Asuma. Although he is said to be immortal, he was blown to bits and then buried alive by Shikamaru. To this day, Hidan resides in that said pit where he makes his living eating worms, humming old rap tunes, and shouting praise to his god, Jashin.
Kakuzu: Akatsuki's money obsessed, arrogant, and self-absorbed member with no real love for anything, but money; as evident of his Jewish heritage. He is Hidan's far more intelligent partner and seems to be the only logical person of the two. Because he is very paranoid of people stealing his vast amounts of money, he had them stiched into his back under the protection of four animal masks. He is a master sticher and his greatest work is himself.
Sasori: Akatsuki's angsty member and Pinnochio's older brother. He was Deidara's first partner and a self proclaimed artist with a knack for puppets and necrophilia. He has the unfortunate stigma of being the only villain in the show to be downed by Sakura (ouch!)
Zetsu: Akatsuki's international member of mystery and the "plant guy" of the organization. Once worked in the Mushroom Kingdom under Boswer, he quit after his many defeats at the hands of Mario and went on to work for Akatsuki. He is a well known cannibal and was said to have been trained by Hannibal Lecter himself. He suffers from Two-Face complex having a good side (white) and a bad side (black).
Konan: The only woman hired by Akatsuki in an attempt to show the outside world that they are indeed NOT a homosexual villian group. Her abilities are fashioned around origami; making her the Sakura of Akatsuki.
Pain/Nagato: Akatsuki's leader and self-proclaimed god. Possesses another overly powerful occular power that allows him to use the force and to practially tear apart whatever comes his way. Don't let his six scary looking bodies and his overly zealous attitude fool you; in truth he's actually a skinny, push-over, ginger boy who just wants peace; at the cost of all those around him. Awww
Tobi: The founder of Akatsuki and the resdident "good boy" of the group. When not showing his dark, emo, and aroggant true personality as Madara Uchiha, he acts as a goofy, sexually confused, and functionally retarded pumpkin masked idiot called Tobi. Is very fond of Deidara and it's because of him that Youtube is now plauged with thousands of Yaoi videos staring him and Deidara.
Kimimaro is known for using his own bones to attack. He can literally rip off his spine, resulting in trauma to the opponent. He had white hair since he was a child, but strangely, was the only one of his clan. Also, his episodes are full of interesting flashbacks, where they show the exact same ones at least 5 times a day.
Kidomaru: The Spider-Man of Naruto. He spends to much time chewing on webs and takes hours to do a single attack, only to fail each time.
Sakon: The only gay eskimo in the show. He has a brother living inside him that only comes out when he needs to scare someone. He is the leader and the most powerful of the sound four (according to the official site) but he takes a beating by Kiba (wow thats bad!). After showing some more of his useless techniques, he gets raped by a puppet.
Jirobo: The typical fat guy in a group of bad guys. His objective is to find another fat person to fight with. He has a powerful technique, that consists in giving shelter to everyone under a rock. Shikamaru and his team don't like it because of the lack of light inside, despite they're being able to see each other well. Every member of the sound four makes fun of Jirobo because hes fat and has a stupid haircut.
Tayuya: The tomboy of the sound four. She curses a lot to show how hardcore she is. Her only weapon is a flute that can get annoying sometimes. Strangely, no one has ever remember to take it from her. Tayuya fights with Shikamaru in a interesting match where his shadow jutsu grabs her boobs.
That Person: A mysterious Person about which nothing is known, except that he/she/it caused "That Incident" by using "That Technique". Many people, including most of Akatsuki, have claimed to be That Person, but none of them have ever been able to prove it.
Kiba Inuzaka & Akamaru: His fighting style is closely related to the "Dog Chasing It's Tail" martial art. This style of martial art requires the use of a dog, in this case Akamaru, to distract the enemy by being so cute, where upon Kiba would consequently piss on them, thus humiliating the enemy to the point of killing themselves to regain their honor. He is defeated when Naruto uses "Ninja Rip-Ass Jutsu" on his face.
Hinata Hyuuga: A mystery character that may have been made up by Kishimoto at one point. "Hinata" supposedly has a crush on Naruto and often dreams of him. Hinata, along with her cousin, Neji, apparently has the ability of Byakugen, which allows them to use x-ray vision to observe a person's underwear. According, to some fans, during Pein's angst rampage through Konoha, Hinata told Naruto that she loved him and attacked Pain, only to be killed and then revived for no good reason along with everybody else. Having this information brought to his attention, author Masashi Kishimoto was baffled, and could only ask, "Who is that again?"
Shino Aburame: Also known as the Bug Guy or Bug Man. He wears his large coat to illegally sell DVDs to people, although most the DVDs are about bugs ironically. Shino keeps bugs in his body, to make him all wiggly and jiggly.
Asuma Sarutobi: A jonnin with almost no abilities whatsoever. His only redeeming qualities he is the most normal looking jonnin (as opposed to Kakashi and Guy whom are both freaks) and his cool cigarettes. He also has these super, special, awesome brass knuckles with a blade at the end which he can add a wind element too. His girlfriend, Kurenai, is a sweet piece of ass. Sadly, he was killed by a rival gang member, Hidan.
Kurenai Yuhi: Kurenai is one of the hottest ninjas in Naruto. She's talented in genjutsu (a ninjutsu that involved illusions). She was dating her pimp Asuma Sarutobi and soon after got pregnant with his child. Sadly, she fell into a deep depression following his death at Akatsuki's resident gangster, Hidan.
Shikamaru Nara: The genius with an IQ of over 200. He is badass.
Ino Yamanaka: A blonde who is superior to Sakura in every way possible. She made friends with Sakura in the past, but Sakura then broke up the friendship to try and pursue Sasuke. Ino soon realises that she herself is a clone of Sakura, even cutting her hair to match her.
Choji Akimichi: A fat guy. He has a bottomless stomach and eats endless amounts of crisps. Choji dislikes being called fat and literally crushes anyone who insults him. When fighting one of the Gay Four, Choji transforms into a butterfly and kills the enemy with pollen.
Rock Lee: Rock Lee is a clone of his teacher, Might Gai. Also known as Brushy Brow, Rock Lee is an awesome fighter. He destroyed his body during an incredible and well choreographed fight with Gaara, and spent half of the series doing nothing.
Neji Hyuuga: Neji is the cool cousin of Hinata. He has cool moves such as 'Gentle Fist' which is a move with involves no fists whatsoever but rather two fingers. Neji at first seemed to hate Hinata because she wasn't cool, but he later learnt to respect her and considered her to be cool too.
Tenten: Yet another mystery character that appears to be a figment of ones imagination.
Anko Mitarashi: Anko used to be Orochimaru's slave, until he took on the personality of a female ninja. Anko is the proctor for the second phase of the Chunin Arcs. She likes to eat spicy foods and other types of shit. She is also a heavy drinker. She likes to use her tongue in various ways.
Gaara: Gaara is a ninja from the Sand Village. He is nicknamed Gaara of the Desert. He uses sand to attack. He usually spends his time walking round beaches stomping on children’s sand castles, to show people he’s hardcore. He is possibly one of the only characters in Naruto to not yell the names of his attacks before executing them, possibly not wanting to draw attention to his conspicuous hand gesture. Also, he really likes to kill people, making him even worse than that guy who likes to melt stuff.
Kankorou: After living for over ten years with his psychopathic kill-crazy brother, Gaara, Kankorou’s psyche has been driven to breaking point, causing him to develop strong romantic feelings for wooden puppets, which he keeps on his person at all times. His habit of constantly talking to them has eventually driven him to marry and divorce each one of them in turn. He says he hates children, though ironically his most powerful attack is a somewhat less child-friendly version of pop-up-pirate.
Temari: Not much is known about Temari although she is famed for being able to censor out any shots under her skirt with Anti-Perv no Jutsu. She seems to be even more of a violent gal than Sakura, though this may be attributed to having an enraged killing machine for a brother. She fights using a giant iron fan and is the currently ranking #1 Arm Wrestler.
Dosu: His most powerful technique is the legendary head-tilt. He was sent by Orochimaru to kick Sasuke's ass for being too emo to join the Sound Village, unfortunately, he was owned by Gaara for no particular reason. Similarly to Shino, Temari and Tenten (?), little is know about him or his background.
Zabuza: One of the very few true ninjas in the series, Zabuza was the first major villian of the series and had a compelling background. Although it was once believed that his sword could not be broken, this has since been proven false.
Haku: A girl boy that served as Zabuza's servant after being picked up from the streets. He too was one of the few real nijas in the series, but he was fortunate enough to have died with his dignity intact.
Iruka: Naruto's foster dad since his real dad died. Iruka often spends time listening to Naruto's brainless gripes and has a scar across his face, caused by the demon fox whilst his parents were shopping for towels. He is very sturdy, capable of withstanding having a metal staryu imbedded in his spine. Appears to be an important character when he is infact fodder.
Kabuto: Orochimaru's queer sidekick. He has his own Naruto trading card game and he wishes to become either James Bond or Orochimaru. He has grey hair despite his young age.
The Third Hokage: An old man who used to be in charge of Konoha, and the teacher of Orochimaru, Jiraiya and Tsunade. He grows senile with every episode that passes until he doesn't even know his own gender. He fights Orochimaru but dies in the Monkey King's arms, but not before having paralyzed Orochimaru's arms.
Suigetsu: One of the members that makes up Sasuke's group, Team Emo. A former toy for Orochimaru to play with, Suigetsu is the character who has abnormal white hair and serrated teeth, courtesy of Jaws. He can turn himself into orange juice and steals Zabuza's big ass sword to fight with.
Karin: A spectacled girl with weird red hair. She is obsessed with Sasuke and plans to rape him at some point in the future.
Jughead: A tall, animal-loving guy who can turn into a scary freak.
Danzo: A grumpy, old, and corrupt geezer whom always dreamed of becoming hokage. Having since become Hokage in the most ridiculous debate ever held, Danzo has made what is considered to be the most logical choice ever made: To have Sasuke killed.
Killer Bee: A dude from da Hidden Cloud village and one of da few brothas in the Naruto universe. He loves rappin' (with the rapping skills that would make Vanilla Ice look like Tupac) and beatin' up fools who ain't down with his style. He's also the carrier of the Eight Tails Beast. Man, check out this stereotypical language bruv!
Anime
If a manga manages to stick around for a while, it automatically receives an anime adaptation. Naruto's anime adaptation is most notable for its year-long streak of fillers (episodes not derived from the manga), which were critically acclaimed by almost everyone who watched them. The fillers served as the Jar-Jar Binks-style comic relief to the Qui-Gon-style blandness of the manga storyline.
But if downloading a subtitled Japanese broadcast version isn't your forté, you'll be interested in the English adaptation which airs on Adult Swim's TV-PG-oriented evening lineup. Don't worry if you don't know what anyone's talking about. Watch enough episodes and you'll be tearing through the anime as effectively as Sasuke's Chidori tore through Sabaku no Gaara's Suna no Tate during the third Chunin exams! [2]
Fandom
“KISHI U SUCK ASS!!! WHY U TAKING MANGA IN THIS DRECTION?? THESE R NOT UR DECISIONS 2 MAKE KISHI!! ONLY U COULD RUIN A SERIES IN LESS THAN 20 PAGES!!![3]”
~ A Concerned Fan on Naruto
As seen above, many fans have constructive criticism for Naruto. Not all fans are like this, however. Many fans have blind, unrelenting faith in the series. These "Naruphiles" are zombie-like in their endless support of the series. The following is a Naruphile's response to the above quote.
“Kishi kicks ass! screw ALL HATERS! Naruto knocks all the other shows dead with "1000 years of deATH!!!" Wooot! woot! Yeah, in yer fuckin face crash n' burn !”
~ Naruphile on Naruto
Note the subtle interplay between the respective first sentences. The first fan applies capitalization liberally, while the second mostly shuns it except for two inexplicable outbursts.
References
- ↑ No really.
- ↑ If this sentence makes any sense to you, I deeply and sincerely apologize for introducing you to the Naruto anime.
- ↑ Later proven false by another record. New Record
 Quasi-Featured Article (19:07, 4 October 2007 (UTC))This article was nominated to become a featured article; however, due to several votes being devoured by an Unthlathu, it didn't make the cut (14.5/17). Don't let this happen again! For just pennies a day, you can prevent another travesty of this nature, or vote for other articles at Uncyclopedia:VFH.
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