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|National motto: "In Aslan we trust (because he's Jesus)."|
|Localization||Beyond the Outer Rim, just south of the Rishi Maze|
|Official language||Narnglish, bastardized mix of English and traditional Narnian|
|Current Ruler(s)|| King Peter the Magnifier (head of government)
Aslan (head of state/supreme spiritual leader)
|Capital||Cair Paravel (official), Beruna (seat of government)|
|Other Major Cities||Beaversdam, Lantern Waste, Nuclear Waste, Hoboken, Your Mom|
|Population||Unknown (all surveyors eaten by trees (talking))|
|National Hero||Aslan (Jesus)|
|National Cuisine||Baby back ribs (centaur)|
|National Anthem||Jesus Is Aslan In Gucci|
|Allies||Middle Earth, Disneyland, Pirates, Hobbits, Texas|
|Enemies||The Mushroom Kingdom, Disneyworld, Ninjas, Texas|
“I am so far inside the closet, I can see Narnia.”
Depending whom you ask, Narnia is either a magical country ruled by a talking lion, or an elaborate ruse invented by C.S. Lewis to lure children into his wardrobe. According to most historical sources, Aslan the Great rules Narnia when he feels like it, and takes a personal interest in the affairs of its citizens except when he has to visit his other countries or snatch schoolchildren or chase the big ball of yarn again. To do all the actual work around Narnia, Aslan has established a line of human kings, each more incompetent than the last. These monarchs frequently wipe themselves out through sheer stupidity, forcing Aslan to kidnap new "Sons/Daughters of Adam and Eve" and install them as rulers. Lewis, on the other hand, insists that Aslan created Narnia and all its inhabitants out of dirt and reigns over the whole shemozzlelike some sort of Jesus. Sadly, due to extensive propaganda on the part of Lewis and the Pevensie family, the latter viewpoint is the more commonly accepted.
I am editing this, and I am very offended at this so called "funny approach" to writing about Aslan, who Lewis intended to be a symbol of Jesus. Jesus is no laughing matter, contrary to the tone of this "article." To the next person who reads this, whether you delete it or not, I encourage you to research Jesus a little bit more. There's only three things you can believe about Him; either He was crazy, a liar, or He really was God like He said He was. Do you have proof for which of these three you believe? I believe He is really God, and I have logical, scientific, and historical reasons why I believe that. What about you?
History of Narnia
Narnia's history is scarce, because researchers keep popping up dismembered and covered with claw marks. Ancient Narnian mythology references some pretty psychedelic shit about magic rings and talking elephants, but in this enlightened age Narnian scientists all agree that the lamp-post and the winged horse share a common evolutionary ancestor. According to TV Tropes, a lion named Aslan received Narnia as part of a divorce settlement in the year 1204, and began using it to toy with emotionally vulnerable schoolgirls who wandered into it through their bedroom closets. After endowing beasts with the ability to speak, think, and tweet (like himself), Aslan abducted a hapless taxi driver (Indian, of course) to rule over this "vast domain" (actually smaller than Texas and containing mostly trees (talking)), and all creation got high on harmony (and crack). Jadis, Queen of the defunct Kingdom of Charn and one-time paramour of Aslan, sought political asylum in Narnia after some unfortunate legal troubles involving a thirteen-year-old pageboy. To earn her citizenship, Aslan sent her on a quest to bring him a new Apple iPhone from Narnia's only Apple Store, located on the far side of an impassable mountain range; disgruntled, she kept it for herself and achieved immortality by downloading the Immortality app. And they effin fapped themselves to death.
Reign of Jadis
Lewis's propaganda refers to this period as a grim time of subjugation under Jadis's thumb, when in fact she assumed power after Aslan's sudden disappearance.
The End of Winter
Years later, a troubled girl namedLucy Pevensie entered Narnia after discovering the professor's "stash." There, she met a pedophile who called himself "Mister Tumnus" and lulled the girl to sleep with tainted sardines. By this time Jadis was already calling herself the "White Bitch," because she was white (racist *****). She quickly issued a court order summoning all four children to her palace, but fortunately Lucy's older brother Peter, Asian sister Susan, and sexy brother Edmund were given refuge by a pair of friendly Canadians. Aslan returned from a thousand-year "business trip" to The Zoo and found his kingdom overrun with pedophiles and talking trees. He rescued Lucy from the clutches of Mister Tumnus and promptly devoured her. When the Pevensie family threatened a lawsuit, Aslan wisely found a loophole in Narnian civil law whereby he avoided litigation by sacrificing himself on the Stunned Table. This led many to believe that Aslan was Jesus, Jesus himself confirmed it
Unfortunately for everyone involved, the White Bitch managed to lure Edmund to away by jingling her keys. Her plan was to become pregnant by Edmund and spawn a race of evil boy wizards who would wrest rule of Narnia from Aslan and his cronies. Fortunately, Edmund managed to accidentally break the Bitch's wand, and she was indicted on statutory rape charges. The White Witch turned the judge into stone and filed for dismissal. However, Aslan responded by raping the Witch and having her deported to the Lone Islands, where she stayed trapped in a magic cage. Peter married his sister Susan (in accordance with Narnia's mandatory marital incest laws), and was crowned High King, a title he would certainly live up to when he discovered the joys of Narnian cannabis. Out of gratitude to their benefactor, Aslan (and fearing he would tear their faces off otherwise), the children constructed a gigantic toilet for Aslan's "personal use," which later became the Desert. And what should the High King and Queen find there but Lucy, freshly deposited and very much alive. Queen Lucy was shafted (after a shower) with the task of looking after Edmund, whose favorite activities were throwing rocks at centaurs and trying to set dwarves on fire.
Nine months later, Jadis gave birth to nanoplets, the oldest of which was named Leonidas, and Aslan was forced to once again leave Narnia to avoid paying child support.
The Golden Age
The time in which Narnia was ruled by the Pevensies is known as the Golden Age, because gold became quite common after High King Peter repulsed the Great Leprechaun Invasion of 1322 and took several prisoners. Same-centaur marriage was made legal, nuclear power came into widespread use, and Edmund got some poor, drunk mermaid pregnant. There was a minor problem with the giants to the north: they kept climbing over the wall into Narnia and trying to get minimum-wage jobs. High King Peter issued his First Edict, in which he told the giants "When in Narnia please speak Narnglish."
Unfortunately the Golden Age came to an end when the Pevensie siblings suddenly disappeared from Narnia without paying 572 years of back taxes, leaving Edmund to fend for himself. Soon after, Leonidas AKA "Leo the Really Angry" assembled an army of 300 men and subdued the land of Narnia, which by that time had shrunk to three male centaurs and one terrified pony. This led Narnia into a Dark Age that people dont feel like writing about.
The Dark Age That Nobody Really Feels Like Writing About
Why did you think we called it that?? Fuckers
The End of the Dark Age That Nobody Really Felt Like Writing About
Aslan located the Pevensie siblings centuries later at a bus stop, waiting for a bus that (in a startling twist of events) had not arrived yet. He extorted the children into returning with him to Narnia by threatening to reunite them with brother Edmund, who had spent the centuries alone in an abandoned Cair Paravel smearing the walls with his excrement, before eating it to survive. After a brief, unexpected detour to the Israel, the Pevensies reached Narnia to find it in the clutches of a ruthless land developer named Trumpkin. The only opposition was a small cult based on World of Warcraft. With the help of mythical characters like Adolf Hitler, Jane Fonda, Pope Kevin VI, Black Jesus, Michael Jackson, and Peter Pan, the Pevensies overthrew Trumpkin and caused his property values to go down. There was some freaky shit with talking trees, too. Peter conceived a three-eyed child with his wife/sister Susan, and they named it Crapsian. Being a hermaphrodite, Craspian later became King and Queen of Narnia.
Edmund made a penis appearance at the coronation, for the express purpose of flinging faeces at his inbred nephew. Aslan was so amused by this that he devoured Peter and Susan, sued the White Witch for custody of Leonidas, and retired to Thailand to make smut films. To ensure the continuation of the royal line, Lucy was forced to marry Edmund, and lived unhappily ever after. Bla bla bla bla bla bla...the end...not...maybe...i dont know...youre choice if its the end or not...you can carry on reading or you can just end it here...ok...i think its the end...or is it...
Craspian - Craspian - Craspian
Over the next five centuries, Narnia was ruled by nine hermaphrodite king/queens named Craspian who all died young, due to their inbred mental retardation.
Craspian X, also known as "Craspian of the Flowing Locks," was not technically the son of Craspian IX; he was stolen from his true parents, Hayden Christensen and Uchiha Sasuke, at the tender age of one. He successfully defended his kingdom against an army of robots from Telmar, but later went insane, adopting a fake Spanish accent and talking to a sock puppet he called "Reepicheep."
After years of therapy, Craspian set out on a healing cruise to the Lone Islands, where he encountered long-lost Queen Lucy the Long-Suffering and King Edmund the Turnip. Edmund and Lucy insisted on joining Craspian's expedition and bringing along their developmentally-disabled son Eustace. It was Eustace who was responsible for driving Craspian over the edge--literally. The king vowed he would sail off the edge of the world if it meant an end Eustace's constant whining. Eventually Craspian used his dark magic to turn the boy into a dragon. Aslan attempted to eat Eustace, but choked on the scales and settled for eating Lucy and Edmund, whom Craspian had abandoned on an island of invisible rapists. Also he married Lady Gaga (Craspian, not Aslan).
Craspian X returned home crazier than he had left, wearing his wife's makeup and going around shoving pencils into his subjects' faces. He spent his final years writing angry, incomprehensible letters to Narnian newspapers and listening to old ZZ Top albums. He later overdosed on sleeping pills. His son Xanax was kidnapped by the "green witch" (actually Jadis in a green nightgown) and forced to mine diamonds with her army of dwarfs.
Narnia's political system is one of extreme instability. Over the centuries, rulers have ranged from evil witches to retarded children from other worlds. Elections have never been held, although the popular Talking Animal Liberation Front (TALF) has a substantial following. The only other known social organization, the Talking Tree Alliance, has been dormant since instituting a Narnian Arbor Day.
The Narnian monarchy has always been controlled by humans, despite their extreme minority in the overall population. Control is maintained with strict legislation, the support of talking lion and amateur filmmaker Aslan, and a brutal, well-trained force of Riot Dwarfs.
“Aslan may, in fact, be a representation of Jesus.”
“What a bunch of fur-wanking douchetards.”
“A furry Jesus. Meow, Yiff!.”
Aslan (from Ancient Turkish as, meaning "ass," and lan, meaning "lion") aka Jesus first appears on the world scene in 247 BC, when ancient Roman historian Plooney the Sticky-Fisted mentions an enormous lion that devoured several children and then sang a song about it. Aslan decided he enjoyed eating children so much, he would create his own country where he could lure children to their deaths. Unfortunately he lost all his capital betting on flying horse races and had to settle for the low-budget land of Narnia, which was being auctioned off by its original owners, Walden Media.
He quickly populated his new land with mythical creatures such as centaurs, fauns, and Katy Perry. This violated several zoning laws, and Aslan fled to Japan to avoid prosecution, leaving Narnia in the hands of a passing taxi driver. He returned a millennium later to sue Jadis the White Witch for custody of their child, Leonidas, and ultimately devoured all four of the Pevensie children who had ruled his kingdom intermittently for a millennium.
When accused of using Narnia as a tax shelter, Aslan responded by tearing his accusers' faces off and defecating on their remains. He then called all of the inhabitants of Narnia into a magical quantum stable, set it on fire, sold their homes at inflated prices and retired to Jamaica with the profits. He later starred in the hit movie AVP: Aslan Versus Predator.
The White Bitch
“This woman brings new meaning to the term 'ice box.'”Jadis Millicent von Bitch IV, AKA the "White Witch," AKA the "Off-White Witch," AKA "Aslan's Plaything," was a supreme bitch. Really. She showed up at Aslan's parties without being invited, vandalized his summer cottage, prank-called him at odd hours and trapped Narnia in a century of winter because she "felt like it." She also seduced Edmund Pevensie on numerous occasions when his siblings were on the phone or otherwise occupied. After being raped by Aslan, Jadis became the mother of triplets, the eldest of whom was named Leonidas. Although Jadis smiled only once during the assault, conspiracy theorists maintain that "she liked it."
Jadis was born in 566 B.C. to an impoverished farm family. She was the only surviving child of forty-two, having murdered her nineteen brothers and twenty-three sisters in their sleep. Recently uncovered manuscripts reveal that Jadis and Aslan attended the same boarding school. Jadis despised the young lion, who (along with his cousin Simba) constantly tormented the young woman through spying on her in the girls' locker room, stealing her lunch money, tearing her limbs off, and other juvenile pranks. They had a brief relationship that ended after a disastrous prom date. Disillusioned, Jadis turned to witchcraft to ease her inner pain.
Jadis graduated from university and became a schoolteacher, but was convicted of statutory rape and lost her teaching license. Her subsequent hatred of all life led her to become Queen of the vile, corrupt city of Charn. After killing everybody on the planet for sport, she realized a queen is no queen without subjects to rule and subsequently set off in search of unspoiled territory and young boys.
Visiting several worlds without success, Jadis stumbled upon Narnia, which was then under construction. Who should she find there but her old nemesis Aslan, smoking Cuban cigars and leering at secretaries. Using compromising photos taken the night of their high school prom, Aslan blackmailed her into stealing him an iPhone from Narnia's Apple Store, which was located on the far side of an enormous mountain range. Jadis kept the magical device and achieved immortality by downloading the Immortality app.
Following the Golden Age, Jadis spent several centuries in Japan as a web designer. She became lonely in her immortality and longed for the bygone days of seducing Narnian boys. She returned Narnia and kidnapped Xanax, son of King Craspian X, promising him night after night of fun in a kinky bondage chair of her own design. Jadis narrowly survived an assassination attempt by Captain Puddleglum of the elite Narnian Marshwiggle Brigade, and went on to a lucrative career in infomercials marketing her revolutionary sex chair.
All the stories agree the witch is dead. Is she?
Father Christmas and the Following Lawsuit
On the 15th of November, 1269, Father Christmas was taken into custody in the Narnian Court of Law and Furry Animals, on charges of illegally supplying minors with dangerous weapons. Over 300 children were given weapons ranging from swords and daggers to M2A1-7 military issue flame-throwers, between the 25th of December 1268, and the 26th of December, 1268. Father Christmas was also accused of the possession of 12 kgs of "Narnia Kaboosh" marijuana, 7 kgs of cocaine, and 14 copies of "Beavers Delight" erotica magazine, which is illegal under Narnian State Law.
After being taken into court, Father Christmas was quoted on saying:
"Are you f***ing kidding me??!! Its f***ing Christmas for gods sake!? This is Narnia for f**ks a sake! Their are god damn Beavers running around, shitting on peoples lawns, and you pull me up because Little God Damn Mother f***ing Timmy gets a 9 millimetre for Christmas??! WTF??!"
On questioning about the drugs, he said:
What that? Oh, thats uh, for medical purposes. And the "Beavers Delight"? Oh thats, uh, just, uh... I'm holding it for a friend... I mean, um... I don't recall any erotica magazines..."
The case was carried out over a period of 14 moons, or how ever the fuck Narnians measure time, I really don't care... Are you seriously still reading this shit? Anyway, the Court ruled that Father Christmas was guilty of 347 counts of Firearms Supplying to A Minor, 8 counts of Possesion of Narcotics, and 14 counts of Possesion of Illegal Beaver Porn. Despite many prominent celebrities as the defence (inlcuding Aslan himself, all though, perhaps starting off his opening speech with "Seriously dude, Beaver porn?! WTF?!" wasn't the best way to convince the judge.) Father Christmas was sent to prison for 13 years non-parole, where he is probably now getting is ass pounded in by a burly Beaver by the name of "Rick". Judge Gorglachian IV (Who's a fucking dolphin, if you'd believe it. Just shows how fucked up this god damn country is, they let a dolphin become a judge..) later stated
"This is most likely, THE most fucked up case I have ever seen, in my many dolphin years as judge, I have never seen such a sick, degraded, pathetic man such as a Father Christmas, he sneaks into small children's bedrooms for fucks sake!"
Stage Crew in Narnia are possibly the most important part of the entire production. They are all extremely attractive, funny and charming. Whilst in a group, they tend to band together, causing a circle of 'Llamas'. They name themselves Llamas as Llamas have a cool as hand signal. You may hear them sniggering backstage at the following moments- "Peter, you must always wipe your sword." - Aslan
The Pevensie Family
Pevensie the Elder
The shadowy patriarch of the Pevensie clan, little is known about this mysterious man. Mentioned briefly in C.S. Lewis's notes as an "insane botanist," rumours abound that he created the talking trees that populate much of Narnia, frightening the hell out of unsuspecting loggers. Also he may have fathered a child by his daughter, Susan, who died of cancer.
Mrs. Penisvensie the Elder
The mother of Peter and Susan (and possible Edmund, Lucy, and the White Witch) appears in only the first five pages of The Chronicles of Narnia. In a particularly disturbing scene, she urges the children to sew buttons onto their eyes to protect themselves from the violence and devastation of the Greater War. She is defeated when her hand is slammed in a door by Lucy.
Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater Pevensie
“Peter is the hottest person in the world. Peter is cooler than you will ever be! Lol! OMG! Ponies.”
Peter was a Greater War veteran who led his family to Narnia to escape religious persecution at the hands of the Eggnogstics. He married a lapsed Eggnogstic named Amelia, was crowned High King of Narnia by Aslan, and soon ingratiated himself to his subjects by legalizing prositution, racial segregation and the hunting of centaurs when in season. High King Peter struggled with a crack-cocaine addiction all his life, an addiction that eventually forced him to abdicate the throne. He returned centuries later at Aslan's behest to save Narnia from the evil Donald Trumpkin, and later fathered King Craspian I.
After Craspian's ascendancy, Peter was supposedly eaten by Aslan, but conspiracy theorists maintain that this was an elaborate hoax perpetrated by the High King to get out of paying his back taxes, and that he actually retired to Archenland and married Lilith, the woman she-devil of the sea. He became enchanted and began murdering unicorns as peace offerings to Aslan. Lilith and Peter had seventeen children, all of whom were eaten by Craspian IV for breakfast one Sunday morning.
Susan B. Pevensie
“Incest is not a four-letter word.”
Queen Susan married her brother Peter at the start of the Golden Age, and he schtupped the hell out of her almost every night. Nevertheless, thanks to the longevity of Narnian contraceptives, it was not until centuries later that she gave birth to their son Craspian. Other than this major contribution, Queen Susan largely stayed out of the limelight. Historians agree that she was probably just getting her period.
After Craspian ascended to the throne, Susan was eaten by Aslan. However, many conspiracy theorists maintain that this was an elaborate hoax perpetrated by the Queen in order to start fresh, and that her identical twin sister was eaten in her place. She had a passionate sexual relationship with her great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandson Craspian X, and died of complications from bulimia.
She didn't get to go to Heaven.
Edmund "The Turk" PevensieThe youngest son of Mr. and Mrs. Pevensie the Elder (or possibly Peter and Mrs. Pevensie, or possibly Mr. Pevensie and Susan) was severely retarded. Nevertheless, he didn't let that handicap stop him from becoming, in the words of Aslan himself, a "magnificent asshole." Edmund nearly became the undoing of his siblings when he sold their souls to Jadis in exchange for Turkish delight. As punishment, he was only permitted to throw his own feces at visiting dignitaries on Tuesdays.
Rumours persist regarding Edmund's sexual preferences, based on an unconfirmed report tying him to a well-known prostitute: a talking mink named Annabelle. However, conspiracy theorists maintain that "Annabelle" was actually a pseudonym for Lucy Pevensie, as revealed when the letters are rearranged, translated into Arabic, and juxtaposed with promotional posters for The Dark Knight. He was abandoned by his siblings and spent the Dark Age pulling the legs off of insects and urinating in his water supply.
Upon their return, his older siblings (who may have been his parents) saw he had no future. Thus they forced Lucy to marry him, on the grounds that someone had to keep him from putting his underwear in the toaster all the time. He spent the majority of the Craspian age in the Lone Islands, splitting his time between a lucrative modelling career and defecating in mailboxes. He conceived a child with Lucy named Useless, who was (although many leading Narnian scientists and wizards had declared it impossible) even more screwed-up than his father.
When Edmund went one whole week without chewing holes in the mattress, Lucy rewarded him with a cruise on Craspian X's pleasure yacht, the Dawn Tripper. Some say he sailed off the edge of the world into a sleazy time-share Aslan owned, called "Aslan's Country", but historians agree that Edmund died when he collided with the Space Shuttle Columbia over Texas.
Lucy Doe-Eyes Pevensie-PevensieThe youngest child of Pevensie the Elder (or Peter Pevensie... you see where we're going with this?) has led a troubled life. Her wildly inappropriate relationship with a middle-aged faun is a matter of record, as is her marriage to her mentally retarded brother. After she "discovered" Narnia in the back of an enchanted medicine cabinet, she received from a shady drifter a bottle of "magic fire-berry juice" that would allegedly heal all wounds. Unfortunately, she drank the entire bottle, thinking it was a new energy drink, leaving her the proud owner of a shiny new colostomy.
Lucy has been described as Aslan's favourite, although conspiracy theorists maintain that "Aslan" is actually a highly sophisticated hoax crafted by Lucy in order to get attention.
Only appearing in early drafts of the first Narnia book, Ballsy was removed from the story at the behest of Lewis's editors for homosexual overtones. He was intended as a wisecracking sidekick who proposes outlandish solutions to simple problems. He was later written into the fourth book as Captain Puddleglum.
Michael Howard "Mr. Tumnus" Jenkins
Mr. Tumnus, age 91, was the first Narnian encountered by young Lucy Pevensie. He invited the girl back to his cave for "dinner" and "dessert" and "small talk" and fruity drinks mixed with wine coolers, which he called "Aslan juice". Unbeknownst to Lucy, "Mr. Tumnus" was an alias of Michael Jenkins, a convicted Narnian pedophile and founding member of the Narnian Faun-Girl Love Association (NAFGLA). In exchange for a suspended sentence, Jenkins was ordered by the White Witch to hand over any children under the age of 16 that he should happen upon. Tumnus decided he wanted Lucy all to himself, and had "dinner" with her several more times until their liaisons were discovered by the Pevensie mob family. Jenkins disappeared mysteriously soon after.
There were twelve Craspians in all. Here they are listed in numerical order:
- Craspian -I - a proposed prequel, was planned to be breeded usiing the car from back to the future to go back in time and rape Susans grandmother, and hide the offspring in a wardrobe, and when found by mr tumnus' father, taken into his hovel for "smalltalk"
- Craspian I - Inbred hermaphrodite child of High King Peter and Queen Susan. Died trying to fuck himself.
- Craspian II - Ungodly mutant offspring of Craspian I and... Craspian I. Repealed Narnia's controversial anti-bestiality laws. Killed when an angry mob mistook him for Clay Aiken.
- Craspian III - Bastard child of Craspian II and an unsuspecting chihuahua. Died when a phone book fell on him.
- Craspian IV - Bastard love-child of Craspian III and a dwarf's left leg. Died from complications of rampant steroid abuse.
- Craspian V - Rape-child of Craspian IV and a passing milkmaid. Forced thousands of dwarfs to sing on their way to work. Found in his chambers, stabbed to death with thousands of tiny pickaxes, every orifice stuffed full of diamonds.
- Craspian VI - Originaly a dwarf union leader named Bubbo, he forged himself into Craspian V's will as sole heir. This of course led to civil war with Craspian V's legitimate heir, Miraz I. The war ended almost before it begun, as Miraz's "legendary sword" was made of cardboard and his "army" was comprised of several hundred Lego people and a diseased owl. Craspian VI made several important reforms including the abolition of height restrictions on roller coasters, and died at the ripe old age of 105.
- Gaius Octavian Craspian "the Great" VII - Adopted son of King "Bubbo" Craspian VI. United Archenland, Narnia, Harfang and parts of Calormen into a great empire that dissolved when nobody could agree on a slogan. Killed by his own ambition.
- Craspian VIII - Daughter of Craspian the Great and his eighth wife (or perhaps his seventh). Ran a highly efficient regime despite being a girl. Died of a yeast infection.
- Craspian IX - Second son of Craspian the Female and a cloth merchant. Revolutionized the bathrobe industry by developing a new, super-comfy terry cloth. Abdicated amidst a scandal when it was discovered the new cloth contained satyr hair.
- Craspian IX and a Half - Not actually named Craspian. Third son of Craspian VIII. Usurped the throne after Craspian IX's retirement and formed an unpopular alliance with the Telmarine Robot Horde. Revealed to be an android and killed by Craspian X.
- Craspian X - Pronounced "Craspian Ecks". Grandson of Craspian the IX and an Asian mail-order bride. Rose to power after defeating the robots. Later went Bat Fuck Insane.
- Craspian X-2 - Purported sequel to Craspian I. Featured altered battle mechanics and an all-female cast.
It was also found out afterwards that an "N-Series" of the Craspians had been launched by an internationally fucked-up company called NOKIA persuading Aslan and Jades to breed and they kept on sponsering the rulers.......
- Archenland, located immediately to the south of Narnia, is kind of like Canada in that it is the pleasant, non-threatening neighbor everyone forgets about. Many talking animals get their vaccinations in Archenland where it's cheaper, despite protests from Narnian veterinarians.
- Calormen, further south, is populated entirely by terrorists who worship a bloodthirsty warrior god named Tash. Despite frequent tensions between the two nations, Narnia relies heavily on Calormene sand exports to keep Aslan's litter box fresh. Also Osama-bin-Laden had taken refugee in Calormen during his exile.
- Telmar is a robocracy located due west of Narnia.
- Ettinsmoor is a relatively cold barren wasteland immediately north of Narnia, known for its champion skiers because there is absolutely nothing else to do there. It has neither lions nor tigers and is quit literally where only the mentally retarded rule.
- The Wild Lands of the North are a popular vacation destination for many young Narnians during Spring Break. These untamed areas are notorious for their ghouls, hobgoblins, barbarian hordes, and underage drinking.
- The Great Eastern Ocean is a body of water to the east of Narnia, almost entirely inhabited by Mermaids and Fishmen. Many pirates have fallen off the edge of the world while sailing this sea in search of the Pirate King's legendary treasure One Piece.
Narnia in fiction
Narnia was popularized in the series, The Chronicles of Narnia:
- The Monkey's Uncle
- The Lyin' Bitch in the Bathrobe
- The Whores and Their Boys
- The Craspian Formerly Known As Prince
- The Hallucination of the Dawn Tripper
- The Leather Chair
- The Last Prattle
These are fanciful stories involving the land of Narnia. Most Narnians are offended by them.
Peter Pevensie commissioned C.S. Lewis to write the Chronicles as propaganda in an effort to cover up his (Peter's, not Lewis's) horrible crimes. Lewis paid little attention to the actual details of Narnian history, seeing them as an opportunity to indoctrinate children with the evil religion of Scientology (see His Dark Materials).
In ancient times, Narnia was accessed via the Bajoran wormhole. This method of entry was shut down after a horrifying "Narnia-Star Trek crossover fanfiction" incident. Centuries later, an early model of the Tardis was created that looked rather like a wardrobe. Discontinued because of disastrous malfunctions, the only prototype was used in Olde Englande to burn witches; when witch-burning went out of vogue, the wardrobe was stored in Professor Claus' attic and largely forgotten until 1952 when Lucy Pevensie fled through it into Narnia to escape a beating from her brother Peter. Edmund soon followed, because he thought Lucy had candy, and Peter and Susan reluctantly went after them before the police came around and started asking troublesome questions. The wardrobe portal was destroyed under royal edict when opportunistic dwarves began using it as a waste disposal.
Currently Narnia can be accessed by slamming your bums against the barrier between Platform no.9 & 10 of the Aslan's Cross station in London. Then you will find yourselves on the Platform no.9 and 341/597 where you can catch a train for Narnia.
Unfortunately, portals into Narnia began multiplying exponentially, as a result of holes punctured through the fabric of space/time by Shia Labeouf. Narnia was soon overrun by illegal immigrants. A new and much more widley accepted method of Narnia transportation is huffing kittens. Orange ones are the best for this method for they are the children of Aslan.
- Warning* Huffing Aslan will end in instantaneous death from overdosage of awesomeness and never being able to find something as huff worthy as Aslan
Film and Video Games
In 1999, Steven Spielberg, George Lucas, Peter Jackson, and Michael Bay joined forces to form one super director known as DirecTron. Under orders from his dark master, DirecTron carefully scanned the entire Narnian historical archive, including C.S. Lewis's autobiography, correspondence and private notes, and the original seven Narnia books; and then wrote a thoughtful, imaginative script that effectively captured the wonder and mystery of the original. Upon completing the final draft, DirecTron consumed the script as fuel, burped, thought to itself "needs moar minotaur" and promptly dashed off a six-page treatment titled Narnia: The Last Voyage of Caspian's Nephew's Silver Wardrobe and His Boy. The studio sent it back, ordering DirecTron to "flesh out" each page into a separate film. The first installment (which Lucas insisted on calling "Episode IV") met with harsh criticism from fans, who felt the running time of 24hrs 88mins was "too short." Although critics lauded the "tastefully done" sex scene and "creative use of Qui-Gon Jinn", fans felt the script departed from the original story in many ways, such as:
- Casting renowned mime Keanu Reeves as the White Witch
- Portraying Susan as a demur complainer, rather than a badass ninja
- Suggesting that some sort of parallel existed between Aslan and Jesus Christ
- The C.S. Lewis cameo
Despite the boycotts, the film was a success with people who wandered into the wrong room looking for Batman Begins, and DirecTron scrambled to complete the sequel before the actors outgrew the film's target demographic The second installment, Chronicles of Narnia: Episode V: The Lost World: Revenge of the Fallen hit #1 at the box office on its opening weekend, grossing ☺$ 420,230,160,150,080,040, but quickly dropped to #3,875 the following week. It made barely one-third of its € 8.5x10^45 budget and is generally regarded as a flop. Lucas later blamed "that usurping bastard" James Cameron for the film's failure, pointing out that Cameron's Avatar earned every banknote/coin ever printed/minted, plus shekels, drachmas, denarii, wampum, those weird floating Mushroom Kingdom coins, and assorted animal pelts and livestock. Michael Bay told Playboy magazine the film suffered from "not enough explosions." Peter Jackson blamed those damn tricksy hobbitses. Spielberg said it was colon cancer. Kevin Smith was signed to direct Chronicles of Narnia 3: Chronicle Harder but never made it past the development stage because he just got distracted.
The video game adaptation, Super Pevensie Bros., fared better than its celluloid counterpart. It quickly became the bestselling title on the Nintendo Wii, although hardcore gamers complained that Player 2 (Edmund) deliberately ran into the lava. The game was pulled from Wal★Mart shelves after a scandal surrounding the disabled "Hot Turkish Delight" sex minigame.