Narnia
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| National motto: "In Aslan we trust (because he's not Jesus)." | ||
| Localization | Beyond the Outer Rim, just south of the Rishi Maze | |
| Official language | Narnglish, corrupt bastard-child mix between English and traditional Narnian | |
| Government | Monarchy / Subtle Mind-control Theocracy | |
| Current Ruler | King Dramamine VII | |
| Capital | Beruna | |
| Major Cities | Beaversdam, Cair Paravel, Lantern Waste, Nuclear Waste, Hoboken | |
| Population | Unknown (all surveyors eaten by trees) | |
| National Hero | Aslan (not Jesus!) | |
| Currency | Magic apples | |
| National Cuisine | Filet of Centaur | |
| National Anthem | "Aslan Is Not Jesus" | |
| Allies | Mushroom Kingdom, Atlantis, Texas | |
| Enemies | Middle Earth, Texas, Disneyworld | |
Narnia is a country in Europe. It was discovered in 147 BC by Christopher Columbus, who promptly named the indigenous inhabitants Indians. It is the only country in the world known to possess talking animals other than New Jersey. Narnia is most famous for being featured on a Saturday Night Live rap skit, The Chronic-WHAT-cles of Narnia. Oh, Narnia is also a town in Lancashire, not that you care about that. Now, onto the lions and stuff...
Contents |
[edit] History of Narnia
[edit] The Beginning
Narnia's history is scarce, because nobody gives a crap about mitch jones in fringing Narnia. In the year 1204, a fat kid named mitch jones created it so he could toy with the minds of British schoolchildren, and then eat them. There was some pretty psychedelic shit about magic diet pills and talking elephants for awhile, but in this enlightened age Narnian scientists all agree that the lamp-post and the winged horse share a common evolutionary ancestor. After endowing beasts with the ability to speak, think, and smoke weed, mitch crowned le fat kid and james pee rulers over this vast domain of grass and a few trees, and all creation got high in harmony. brad dimic tried to join them, but instead was sent on a quest to bring back a new Apple iPhone. She was so disgusted by this that she decided to wait a millennium, and then plunge Narnia into One Hundred Years of Winter. Hey, it was something to do.
[edit] The End of Winter
Years later, Lucy Pevensie entered Narnia after discovering the professor's "stash." There, she met a pedophile who called himself "Mister Tumnus" and lulled the girl to sleep with tainted sardines. By this time Jadis was already calling herself the "White Witch," because she was white. She quickly issued a court order summoning all four children to her palace, but fortunately Lucy's older brother Peter, sister Susan, and retarded brother Edmund were given refuge by a pair of friendly Canadians. Aslan returned from a thousand-year "business trip" to Mexico and found his kingdom overrun with pedophiles. He rescued Lucy from the clutches of Mister Tumnus and promptly devoured her. When the Pevensie family threatened a lawsuit, Aslan wisely found a loophole in Narnian civil law whereby he avoided litigation by sacrificing himself on the Stoned Table. This led many to believe that Aslan was Jesus, although Jesus himself later made a personal appearance in Narnia to preach the Gospel to the Mormons, thus debunking that theory.
Unfortunately for everyone involved, the White Witch managed to lure Edmund to away by jingling her keys. Her plan was to become pregnant by Edmund and spawn a race of retarded boy wizards who would wrest rule of Narnia from Aslan and his cronies. Fortunately, Edmund managed to accidentally break the Witch's wand, and she was indicted on statutory rape charges. The White Witch turned the judge into stone and filed for dismissal. However, Aslan responded by raping the Witch and having her deported to the Lone Islands. Peter married his sister Susan (in accordance with Narnia's mandatory marital incest laws), and was crowned High King, a title he would certainly live up to when he discovered the joys of Narnian cannabis. Out of gratitude to their benefactor, Aslan (and fearing he would tear their faces off otherwise), the children constructed a gigantic sandbox for Aslan's "personal use," which later became the Desert. And what should the High King and Queen find there but Lucy, freshly deposited and very much alive. Queen Lucy was shafted with the task of looking after Edmund, whose favourite activities were throwing rocks at centaurs and trying to set dwarves on fire.
Nine months later, Jadis gave birth to triplets, the oldest of which was named Leonidas, and Aslan was forced to once again leave Narnia to avoid paying child support.
[edit] The Golden Age
The time in which Narnia was ruled by the Pevensies is known as the Golden Age, because gold became quite common after High King Peter repulsed the Great Leprechaun Invasion of 1322 and took several prisoners. Same-centaur marriage was made legal, nuclear power came into widespread use, and Edmund got some poor, drunk mermaid pregnant. There was a minor problem with the giants to the north: they kept climbing over the wall into Narnia and trying to get minimum-wage jobs. High King Peter issued his First Edict, in which he told the giants "When in Narnia please speak Narnglish." Unfortunately the Golden Age came to an end when the Pevensie siblings suddenly disappeared from Narnia without paying 572 years of back taxes, leaving Edmund behind to fend for himself. Soon after, Leonidas AKA "Leo the Really Angry" assembled an army of 300 men and subdued the land of Narnia, which by that time had shrunk to three male centaurs and one very frightened female horse.
This led Narnia into a Dark Age that nobody really feels like writing about.
[edit] The Dark Age That Nobody Really Feels Like Writing About
Seriously, why do you think we called it that?
[edit] The End of the Dark Age That Nobody Really Felt Like Writing About
Aslan located the Pevensie siblings centuries later at a bus stop, waiting for a bus that (in a startling twist of events) had not arrived yet. He extorted the children into returning with him to Narnia by threatening to reunite them with brother Edmund, who had spent the centuries alone in an abandoned Cair Paravel smearing the walls with his excrement. After a brief, unexpected detour to the Mushroom Kingdom, the Pevensies reached Narnia to find it in the clutches of a ruthless land developer named Trumpkin. The only opposition was a small cult based on World of Warcraft. With the help of mythical characters like Adolf Hitler, Jane Fonda, Pope Kevin VI, Black Jesus, Michael Jackson, and Peter Pan, the Pevensies overthrew Trumpkin and caused his property values to go down. There was some freaky shit with talking trees, too. Peter conceived a three-eyed child with his wife/sister Susan, and they named it Craspian. Being a hermaphrodite, Craspian later became King and Queen of Narnia.
Edmund made a penis appearance at the coronation, for the express purpose of flinging feces at his inbred nephew. Aslan was so amused by this that he devoured Peter and Susan, sued the White Witch for custody of Leonidas, and retired to the Philippines to make independent films. Lucy was forced to marry Edmund, and lived unhappily ever after.
[edit] Craspian, Craspian, Craspian
Over the next five centuries, Narnia was ruled by nine hermaphrodite king/queens named Craspian who all died young, due to their inbred mental retardation.
Craspian X, also known as "Craspian of the Flowing Locks," was not technically the son of Craspian IX; rather he was stolen from his real parents, Hayden Christensen and Uchiha Sasuke, at the tender age of one. He successfully defended his kingdom against an army of robots from Telmar, but later went insane and began speaking with a fake Spanish accent and talking to a sock puppet he called "Reepicheep."
After years of therapy, Craspian set out on a healing cruise to the Lone Islands, where he encountered the long-lost Queen Lucy the Long-Suffering and King Edmund the Turnip. Edmund and Lucy insisted on joining Craspian's expedition and bringing along their developmentally-disabled son Eustace. It was Eustace who was responsible for driving Craspian over the edge--literally. The king vowed he would sail off the edge of the world if it meant an end Eustace's constant whining. Eventually Craspian used his dark magic to turn the boy into a dragon. Aslan then attempted to eat Eustace, but choked on the scales and settled for eating Lucy and Edmund, whom Craspian had abandoned on an island of invisible rapists. Also he (Craspian, not Aslan) married Gwyneth Paltrow.
Craspian X returned home crazier than he had left, wearing his wife's makeup and going around shoving pencils into his subjects' faces. He spent his final years writing angry, incomprehensible letters to Narnian newspapers and listening to old ZZ Top albums. He later overdosed on sleeping pills. His son Xanax was kidnapped by the "green witch" (actually Jadis in a green nightgown) and forced to mine diamonds with her army of dwarfs.
[edit] Politics
Narnia's political system is one of extreme instability. Over the centuries, rulers have ranged from evil witches to retarded children from other worlds. Elections have never been held, although the popular Talking Animal Liberation Front (TALF) is has a substantial following. The only other known social organization, the Talking Tree Alliance, has been dormant since instituting a Narnian Arbor Day.
The Narnian monarchy has always been controlled by humans, despite their extreme minority in the overall population. Control is maintained with strict legislation, the support of talking lion and amateur filmmaker Aslan, and a brutal, well-trained force of Riot Dwarfs.
[edit] Important Figures
[edit] Aslan
“Aslan may, in fact, be a representation of Jesus.”
~ the Ecumenical Council of Narnia on Aslan
“Aslan has powers so beastly, he could beat Jesus, Jack Bauer, AND Chuck Norris all with his paws tied behind his back.”
~ the Ecumenical Council of Narnia on Aslan
“What a bunch of fur-wanking douchetards.”
~ the Narnian Atheist Restoration Co-op (NARC) on the Ecumenical Council of Narnia
Aslan (from Ancient Turkish as, meaning "ass," and lan, meaning "lion") first appears on the world scene in 247 BC, when ancient Roman historian Plooney the Sticky-Fisted mentions an enormous lion that devoured several children and then sang a song about it. Aslan decided he enjoyed eating children so much, he would create his own country where he could lure children to their deaths. Unfortunately he lost all his capital betting on flying horse races and had to settle for the low-budget land of Narnia, which was being auctioned off by its original owners, Walden Media.
He quickly populated his new land with mythical creatures such as centaurs, fauns, and Canadians. This violated several zoning laws, and Aslan fled to Japan to avoid prosecution, leaving Narnia in the hands of a passing taxi driver. He returned a millennium later to sue Jadis the White Witch for custody of their child, Leonidas, and ultimately devoured all four of the Pevensie children who had ruled his kingdom intermittently for a millennium.
When accused of using Narnia as a tax shelter, Aslan responded by tearing his accusers' faces off and defecating on their remains. He then called all of the inhabitants of Narnia into a magical quantum stable, set it on fire, sold their homes at inflated prices and retired to Jamaica with the profits. He later starred in the hit movie, AVP: Aslan Versus Predator.
For years, Narnian scholars have debated whether or not Aslan is Jesus. This is in fact a blatant lie made up by Jesus Himself to boost his popularity among the furry fandom. Jesii or not, Aslan's reign of terror was ended when he was huffed by Chuck Norris.
[edit] Jadis
“This woman brings new meaning to the term 'ice box.'”
~ Oscar Wilde on top of the White Witch
Jadis Millicent von Bitch IV, AKA the "White Witch," AKA the "Off-White Witch," AKA "Aslan's Plaything," was a supreme bitch. Really. She showed up at Aslan's parties without being invited, vandalized his summer cottage, prank-called him at odd hours and trapped Narnia in a century of winter because she "felt like it." She also seduced Edmund Pevensie on numerous occasions when his siblings were on the phone or otherwise occupied. After being raped by Aslan, Jadis became the mother of triplets, the eldest of whom was named Leonidas. Although Jadis smiled only once during the assault, conspiracy theorists maintain that "she liked it."
Jadis was born in 566 B.C. to an impoverished farm family. She was the only surviving child of forty-two, having murdered her nineteen brothers and twenty-three sisters in their sleep. Recently uncovered manuscripts reveal that Jadis and Aslan attended the same boarding school. Jadis despised the young lion, who (along with his cousin Simba) constantly tormented the young woman through spying on her in the girls' locker room, stealing her lunch money, tearing her limbs off, and other juvenile pranks. They had a brief relationship that ended after a disastrous prom date. Disillusioned, Jadis turned to witchcraft to ease her inner pain.
Jadis graduated from university and became a schoolteacher, but was convicted of statutory rape and lost her teaching license. Her subsequent hatred of all life led her to become Queen of the vile, corrupt city of Charn. After killing everybody on the planet for sport, she realized a queen is no queen without subjects to rule and subsequently set off in search of unspoiled territory and young boys.
Visiting several worlds without success, Jadis stumbled upon Narnia, which was then under construction. Who should she find there but her old nemesis Aslan, smoking Cuban cigars and leering at secretaries. Using compromising photos taken the night of their high school prom, Aslan blackmailed her into stealing him an iPhone from Narnia's Apple Store, which was located on the far side of an enormous mountain range. Jadis kept the magical device and achieved immortality by downloading the Immortality app.
Following the Golden Age, Jadis spent several centuries in Japan as a web designer. She became lonely in her immortality and longed for the bygone days of seducing Narnian boys. She returned Narnia and kidnapped Xanax, son of King Craspian X, promising him night after night of fun in a kinky bondage chair of her own design. Jadis narrowly survived an assassination attempt by Captain Puddleglum of the elite Narnian Marshwiggle Brigade, and went on to a lucrative career in infomercials marketing her revolutionary sex chair.
[edit] The Pevensie Family
[edit] Pevensie the Elder
The shadowy patriarch of the Pevensie clan, little is known about this mysterious man. Mentioned briefly in C.S. Lewis's notes as an "insane botanist," rumours abound that he created the talking trees that populate much of Narnia, frightening the hell out of unsuspecting loggers. Also he may have fathered a child by his daughter, Susan.
[edit] Mrs. Pevensie the Elder
The mother of Peter and Susan (and possible Edmund, Lucy, and the White Witch) appears in only the first five pages of The Chronicles of Narnia. In a particularly disturbing scene, she urges the children to sew buttons onto their eyes to protect themselves from the violence and devastation of the Greater War. She is defeated when her hand is slammed in a door by Lucy.
[edit] Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater Pevensie
“Peter is the hottest person in the world. Peter is cooler than you will ever be! Lol! OMG! Ponies.”
Peter was a Greater War veteran who led his family to Narnia to escape religious persecution at the hands of the Eggnogstics. He married a lapsed Eggnogstic named Amelia, was crowned High King of Narnia by Aslan, and soon ingratiated himself to his subjects by legalizing prositution and the hunting of centaurs when in season. High King Peter struggled with a crack-cocaine addiction all his life, an addiction that eventually forced him to abdicate the throne. He returned centuries later at Aslan's behest to save Narnia from the evil Donald Trumpkin, and later fathered King Craspian I.
After Craspian's ascendancy, Peter was supposedly eaten by Aslan, but conspiracy theorists maintain that this was an elaborate hoax perpetrated by the High King to get out of paying his back taxes, and that he actually retired to Archenland and married Lilith, the woman she-devil of the sea. He became enchanted and began murdering unicorns as peace offerings to Aslan. Lilith and Peter had seventeen children, all of whom were eaten by Craspian III for breakfast one Sunday morning.
[edit] Susan B. Pevensie
“Incest is not a four-letter word.”
~ Susan Pevensie on her relationship to Peter
Queen Susan married her brother Peter at the start of the Golden Age, and he schtupped the hell out of her almost every night. Nevertheless, thanks to the longevity of Narnian contraceptives, it was not until centuries later that she gave birth to their son Craspian. Other than this major contribution, Queen Susan largely stayed out of the limelight. Historians agree that she was probably just getting her period.
After Craspian ascended to the throne, Susan was eaten by Aslan. However, many conspiracy theorists maintain that this was an elaborate hoax perpetrated by the Queen in order to start fresh, and that her identical twin sister was eaten in her place. She had a passionate sexual relationship with her great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandson Craspian X, and died of complications from bulimia.
She didn't get to go to Heaven.
[edit] Edmund "The Turk" Pevensie
The youngest son of Mr. and Mrs. Pevensie the Elder (or possibly Peter and Mrs. Pevensie, or possibly Mr. Pevensie and Susan) was severely retarded. Nevertheless, he didn't let that handicap stop him from becoming, in the words of Aslan himself, a "magnificent asshole." Edmund nearly became the undoing of his siblings when he sold their souls to Jadis in exchange for Turkish delight. As punishment, he was only permitted to throw his own feces at visiting dignitaries on Tuesdays.
Rumours persist regarding Edmund's sexual preferences, based on an unconfirmed report tying him to a well-known prostitute: a talking mink named Annabelle. However, conspiracy theorists maintain that "Annabelle" was actually a pseudonym for Lucy Pevensie, as revealed when the letters are rearranged, translated into Arabic, and juxtaposed with promotional posters for The Dark Knight. He was abandoned by his siblings and spent the Dark Age pulling the legs off of insects and urinating in his water supply.
Upon their return, his older siblings (who may have been his parents) saw he had no future. Thus they forced Lucy to marry him, on the grounds that "someone has to keep him from stuffing his underwear in the oven and turning it on, and I don't have the time."
[edit] Lucy Doe-Eyes Pevensie-Pevensie
The youngest child of Pevensie the Elder (or Peter Pevensie... you see where we're going with this?) has degrees in Being Annoying and Awed Staring. In her later years she has issued several bizarre statements, the most outlandish of which being that she "discovered" Narnia in the back of a magical medicine cabinet. She received from a shady drifter a bottle of "magic fire-berry juice" that would allegedly heal all wounds. Unfortunately, she drank the entire bottle, thinking it was a new energy drink, and was sick for weeks afterward.
Lucy has been described as "Aslan's favourite" and once traversed his entire digestive tract, although conspiracy theorists maintain that this is an elaborate hoax and "Aslan" is actually a highly sophisticated lion puppet surreptitiously operated by Lucy in order to get attention. In fact, Lucy only used Aslan to make Mr. Tumnus jealous. Lucy's wildly inappropriate relationship with a middle-aged faun is a matter of record. It is alleged that they had 3 children: one boy, one girl, and one fawn-human (the ugliest thing one can imagine). Her family found out and forced her to marry Edmund because no one else liked her.
[edit] Ballsy Pevensie
Only appearing in early drafts of the first Narnia book, Ballsy was removed from the story at the behest of Lewis's editors for homosexual overtones. He was intended as a wisecracking sidekick who proposes outlandish solutions to simple problems. He was later written into the fourth book as Captain Puddleglum.
[edit] Michael Howard "Mr. Tumnus" Jenkins
Mr. Tumnus, age 47, was the first Narnian encountered by young Lucy Pevensie. He invited the girl back to his cave for "dinner" and Diet Pepsi mixed with white wine, which he called "Aslan juice". Unbeknownst to Lucy, "Mr. Tumnus" was an alias of Michael Howard Jenkins, a convicted Narnian pedophile and founding member of NAFGLA, or the NArnian Faun-Girl Love Association. In exchange for a suspended sentence, Jenkins was ordered by the White Witch to hand over any children under the age of 16 that he should happen upon. Tumnus decided he wanted Lucy all to himself, and sent her back to her own world with a tracking device embedded in her tooth. Once Lucy was completely under his power, Tumnus had "dinner" with her several more times until their liasons were discovered by the Pevensie mob family. Jenkins disdappeared mysteriously soon after.
[edit] The Craspians
There were twelve Craspians in all. Here they are listed in numerical order:
- Craspian I - Inbred hermaphrodite child of High King Peter and Queen Susan. Died trying to fuck himself.
- Craspian II - Ungodly mutant offspring of Craspian I and... Craspian I. Repealed Narnia's controversial anti-bestiality laws. Killed when an angry mob mistook him for Clay Aiken.
- Craspian III - Bastard child of Craspian II and an unsuspecting chihuahua. Died when a phone book fell on him.
- Craspian IV - Bastard love-child of Craspian III and a dwarf's left leg. Died from complications of rampant steroid abuse.
- Craspian V - Rape-child of Craspian IV and a passing milkmaid. Forced thousands of dwarfs to sing on their way to work. Found in his chambers, stabbed to death with thousands of tiny pickaxes, every orifice stuffed full of diamonds.
- Craspian VI - Originaly a dwarf union leader named Bubbo, he forged himself into Craspian V's will as sole heir. This of course led to civil war with Craspian V's legitimate heir, Miraz I. The war ended almost before it begun, as Miraz's "legendary sword" was made of cardboard and his "army" was comprised of several hundred Lego people and a diseased owl. He made several important reforms including the abolition of height restrictions on roller coasters, and died at the ripe old age of 105.
- Gaius Octavian Craspian "the Great" VII - Adopted son of King "Bubbo" Craspian VI. United Archenland, Narnia, Harfang and parts of Calormen into a great empire that dissolved when nobody could agree on a slogan. Killed by his own ambition.
- Craspian VIII - Daughter of Craspian the Great and his eighth wife (or perhaps the seventh). Ran a highly efficient regime despite being a girl. Died of a yeast infection.
- Craspian IX - Second son of Craspian the Female and a cloth merchant. Revolutionized the bathrobe industry by developing a new, super-comfy terry cloth. Abdicated amidst a scandal when it was discovered the new cloth contained satyr hair.
- Craspian IX and a Half - Not actually named Craspian. Third son of Craspian VIII. Usurped the throne after Craspian IX's retirement and formed an unpopular alliance with the Telmarine Robot Horde. Killed by Craspian X when he was revealed to be an android.
- Craspian X - Grandson of Craspian the IX and an Asian mail-order bride. Rose to power after defeating the robots. Later went Bat Fuck Insane.
[edit] Narnia's Neighbors
- Archenland, located immediately to the south of Narnia, is kind of like Canada in that it is the pleasant, non-threatening neighbor everyone forgets about. Many talking animals get their vaccinations in Archenland where it's cheaper, despite protests from Narnian veterinarians.
- Calormen, further south, is populated entirely by terrorists who worship a bloodthirsty warrior god named Tash. Despite frequent tensions between the two nations, Narnia relies heavily on Calormene sand exports to keep Aslan's litter box fresh.
- [[Telmar]]
- Ettinsmoor is a relatively cold barren wasteland immediately north of Narnia, where quiet literally only the mentally Retarded rule. It has neither lions nor tigers.
- The Wild Lands of the North are a popular vacation destination for many young Narnians during Spring Break. These untamed areas are notorious for their ghouls, hobgoblins, barbarian hordes, and underage drinking.
- The Great Eastern Ocean is a body of water to the east of Narnia, almost entirely inhabited by Mermaids and Fishmen. Many pirates have fallen off the edge of the world while sailing this sea in search of the Pirate King's legendary treasure One Piece.
[edit] Narnia in fiction
Narnia was popularized in the series, The Chronicles of Narnia:
- The Monkey's Uncle
- The Lyin' Bitch in the Bathrobe
- The Whores and Their Boys
- Prince Craspian
- The Hallucination of the Dawn Treader
- The Leather Chair
- The Last Prattle
These are fanciful stories involving the land of Narnia. Most Narnians are offended by them.
Peter Pevensie commissioned C.S. Lewis to write the Chronicles as propaganda in an effort to cover up his (Peter's, not Lewis's) horrible crimes. Lewis paid little attention to the actual details of Narnian history, seeing them as an opportunity to indoctrinate children with the evil religion of Scientology (see His Dark Materials).
[edit] Accessing Narnia
In ancient times, Narnia was accessed via the Bajoran wormhole. This method of entry was shut down after a horrifying "Narnia-Star Trek crossover fanfiction" incident. Centuries later, an early model of the Tardis was created that looked rather like a wardrobe. Discontinued because of disastrous malfunctions, the only prototype was used in Olde Englande to burn witches; when witch-burning went out of vogue, the wardrobe was stored in Professor Claus' attic and largely forgotten until 1952 when Lucy Pevensie fled through it into Narnia to escape a beating from her brother Peter. Edmund soon followed, because he thought Lucy had candy, and Peter and Susan reluctantly went after them before the police came around and started asking troublesome questions. The wardrobe portal was destroyed under royal edict when opportunistic dwarves began using it as a waste disposal.
Unfortunately, portals into Narnia began multiplying exponentially, as a result of holes punctured through the fabric of space/time by Shia Labeouf. Narnia was soon overrun by illegal immigrants.
[edit] Film and Video Games
Steven Spielberg, George Lucas, Peter Jackson, and the Wachowski Brothers decided to join forces and form one super director known as DirecTron. They thought they could create the ultimate fanboy film version of Narnia that would run for 24 hours. However, a war with no blood was maddening enough that a campaign supported by chancellor Palpatine was launched to hunt down all those who support the so called "Narnia heresey."
Hideo Kojima, Will Wright, and Shigeru Miyamoto were to team up with Valve to handle the game adaptation. But due to intense excitement of the Narnia heretics, the fanbase held a mass suicide because according to their leader "we could not wait any longer". Thus the game never happened and the campaign was a success.
