Napoleonic Wars

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The Napoleonic Wars
Part of the ongoing war against the French (oh and tyranny, evil etc.)
A picture taken of Napoleon while campaigning.
Date 1792-1815
Location Europe, North America, Africa, Carribean, India, Mediterranean Sea, Carribean Sea, Baltic Sea, North Sea. (Unofficially known as World War 0)
Result Allied Victory
Causes Napoleon (he started it)
European territory completely re-distributed between major powers and yet somehow looking roughly the same on a map.
United Kingdom Great Britain

Icons-flag-be Belgium
RussianFlag1812 Russia
EUFlag The Rest of Europe

France flag 1 France

22px-Flag of Spain Spain
22px-Flag of United States USA

Wellington, Kutuzov, Bagration, Barclay de Tolly, Nelson, Hornblower, Moore, Cunningham Napoleon and his "useless" Marshalls

The Napoleonic Wars were a series of chaotic, disorganised wars that were fought between the French having a King on the throne and the French having a new King on the throne. The original motivation for the wars was the allies' dislike of revolting French cuisine, but a later cause was Napoleon Sarkozy's plan to bring European unity.[1][2]

The French were supported by Spain until the moment when France invaded the country. The allies comprised of varying coalitions of the British, Austrians, Russians, Prussians, Swedes and UKIP,[3] who all disliked the idea of a European Union, especially if it was governed by the French.

During these wars, the Emperor of France was Napoleon Sarkozy, a very short man.[4] At the beginning of his reign, he made sure his empire at its greatest extent covered all the parts of Europe that Britain and Russia weren't really bothered about.

The Wars resulted in the abolition of the Holy Roman Empire, a lame empire, which was made up of nations from two opposing, sausage loving, pagan cults, until Bismark finally recast it as the Uberwurstlande. Other effects were the collapse of the Spanish Empire that continues to this day, a greater hatred for the French, and a huge increase in the sales of Wellington boots across the World.

French Revolution

Main article: French Revolution

Sharpen the blade of this cliché!

The French revolution is remembered as a turning point in history.[5] Thanks to the rampant peasant revolting and bloody executions, it marks the beginning of the Middle Ages (a period of History succeeding the Modern Era). It was especially remarkable for making people feel freer without being such. Before that, everyone was content with their monarch, apart from those who had lived during the time of the Magna Carta or the rebels' victory in Star Wars Episode VI: The Return of the Jedi.

Peasants made great contributions to this event, by winning the Revolution and helping corruption and terror to proliferate and to settle down in their homeland, ostensibly to get more bread, but - in reality - out of sheer admiration for French capitalists. (To this day, the French call them the bourgeoisie to avoid confusing this noble social class with some Americans).

A prime contributor to this event was the French doctor Joseph-Ignace Guillotin, who invented the guillotine as a labour-saving device. This vastly augmented national productivity, given the increasing popularity of the death penalty. The humble Dr. Guillotin spelt his invention with an "e" on the end to deflect credit for the invention, but France tried to show her appreciation to the Doctor with a first-hand public demonstration of the device's use. However, when he did not appear for his audience with the Emperor due to being "on duty at the local hospital," someone else with the surname Guillotin was honored in his place.

One of the famous outcomes of the revolution was the reign of the man, "who wanted to make everyone free, but the French - freer than the others" (George Orwell, "Essays on anyeverything"), Napoleon Sarkozy.

The Italian Campaign

File:Modern Napoleon.jpg

In the Italian Campaign, Napoleon's first important task, the future Emperor proved himself a remarkable man. He drove a starving bunch of French peasants hundreds of miles across Italian land to attack the Austrians. At first, the French army spent most of its time stripping the local vineyards of grapes for wine, though morale suffered when the army found utterly no cows, sheep, and goats for the obligatory cheese. However, the quick-thinking Napoleon inspired his troops with a speech that claimed that this second vital ingredient lay just beyond, in the "the sheep-grazing hills of Austria and the cow-laden fields of Hungary."

Napoleon succesfully beat back the Austrians and introduced a law against immigrants. This deeply angered the Pope, who called on all Catholic nations to rise up and supress France.[6] Unfortunately, thanks to Martin Luther, there were only two left that could contend with France: Venice and a demoralised Austria.

The Egyptian Campaign

Napoleon began this campaign for easy access to Middle Eastern oil reserves,[7] and indeed, modern accusations that this-or-that policy constitutes a "war for oil" reference Napoleon's Egyptian Campaign. Napoleon, moreover, was sure that Britain would abandon India after France's glorious invasion of Egypt. However, Napoleon did not know that India is nearly 4500 km distant, and that his conquest of Egypt would do nothing but establish the fez as a French fashion staple.

This campaign began with the conquest of Malta, one of Napoleon's greatest achievements. In a difficult battle, 40,000 French soldiers defeated 2,000 Maltese Knights (half of whom were French and refused to fight).[8]

After that, the French fleet successfully landed in Alexandria, though it was supposed to land elsewhere. That day Napoleon spoke to his soldiers:

The peoples we will be living alongside are Muslims. Do not contradict them; treat them as you treated the Jews. You will here find different customs to those of Europe. Get accustomed to them, or accustom them to your bayonets! The only people you can afford to treat differently are women. This country has not invented suffragettes yet.

The only part of the speech that the soldiers listened carefully to was the one about women.

Then the French army, being almost as scary as a troop of cossacks, arrived at the walls of Alexandria. The city resisted to its full capacity, which lasted a better part of a day.[9] Other important achievements of Napoleon's included the French army conquering an Egyptian village and then losing it. All in all, he spent three years of his life after the French Revolution conquering Egypt and then giving it back.

Napoleon comes to power

Europe According to French

Napoleon began his reign with a map of his "European plan", marking all the neighboring countries it might not make sense to try to invade again.

After successfully campaigning in Egypt, because of the loss of the entire fleet, decimation of the army to the disease they called La Merde de Terre ("The Rather Unpleasant Thing from the Earth"), and his own generals' failed coup d'états, Napoleon's popularity increased and he decided to make himself an official monarch, while no one was looking. For his noble deeds and his romantic Corsican accent, he came to be adored as a hero by the French people, so the previous leaders of the Revolution, finally, had to come in agreement with the masses and to leave Napoleon to his own fate. Thus in 1799 Bonaparte was proclaimed First Consul and later Emperor of France.

European Blockade

Napoleon's rampage across Europe was a lull in the storm for Britain, which put the time to good use by having the Royal Navy blockade every French port to embargo her from her colonies. However, when the coffee bean supply began to diminish, Napoleon woke up and smelled the missing coffee. He realised that he had been fooled. He marshalled a huge fleet of French and Spanish ships to sail to the Caribbean for a refill.

Off the coast of Cape Trafalgar, the fleet disappeared. On receiving the news, British admiral Lord Horatio Nelson rushed to the Spanish coast, convinced there would be less competition at the counters for the "bottomless cup." He was surprised to see the ships from the Caribbean mission in port and loaded to the brim with java. He sunk most of the fleet where it lay. Unfortunately, none of the coffee was of the Instant variety, and the resulting mix was not savoury, even after adding double cream and sugar.

Working on a salty caffeine high, a pensive Napoleon was ashamed of how cruel his Empire had been, compared to the wonderful, peace-giving, charitable Britland.[10] This led to him diminishing taxes, increasing the number of happy French people from 0 to 1 and gaining more popularity.

Napoleon takes over most of Europe


I sweeping across Europe and all you want to do is sunbathe?

Quickly coming to his senses, Napoleon set out with his Grandé Armeé to invade the whole of Europe and achieve his lifelong ambition of creating a European Union (for the benefit of the French and others).[11] First, he created the Confederation of the Rhine among the minor states that bordered France: Belgium, Luxembourg, and Disneyland Paris. He swept across Europe, knocking down all the German States that stood in the French Empire's path. He took over West Germany, Venice, Austria and finally East Germany. Soon, Napoleon's empire covered a huge chunk of what the British refered to as that "worthless piece of land," Continental Europe.

Bonaparte himself said that "a Union of the Europeans, controlled by me would be highly beneficient to the French people, so, if other people want to be happy, they have to become French"[12].

On the way to this splendid statecraft were great victories such as Austerlitz and Friedland. However, Napoleon was disheartened to find that the two greatest potential adversaries, Britain and Russia, didn't give a damn. He began to wish he had invaded Britain when he had the chance rather than going for the rest of Europe. Happily, he could serve as Adolf Hitler's fall guy when Hitler did the same thing centuries later.

Peninsula War

Moore's assualt


As this cartoon of the Battle of Salamanca from the time presents, the Spanish guerilla tactics were devastating for the French.

While Napoleon attacked all the boring parts of Europe, Britain sent a large group of tourists down to Spain as they heard from the Portugese that the weather was nice in Spain and the locals were as drunk as the British so they wouldn't throw the British out if the Brits became roudy at a football match. These tourists were led by an inspirational, upper-class, young tour guide by the name of Sir John Moore. Moore asked around for the locations to the warmest parts of the Iberian Peninsula. The local Portuguese told Moore that the nearer to the centre of the Peninsula one goes the warmer it gets. So the drunken, rowdy crowd of British tourists began to head for Madrid in large numbers.

Napoleon who was about to start his invasion of Prussia (a small insignificant German state) heard news of the large body of Englishmen walking about in Spain which by this time was governed by France. Napoleon was worried that the French tourists in Spain would be thrown out and replaced with English tourists and thus Napoleon called off the invasion of East Germany and brought his elite troops of the Grande Armée down to Spain to deal with the pests.

When Moore saw the army of 200,000 Frenchman approaching the 50,000 British tourists, Moore suddenly decided it would be better to find a place near the coast with plenty of sand to build sand castles. When Moore and his men reached the beach they realised that there were too many Frenchmen to share the beach with and so in true British tourist spirit Moore got his men to fight a rearguard action against the approaching French army in what became known as the Battle of Corona. After the British tourists victory they all got rather drunk, hopped on some sailing boats and sailed back home.

Wellesley takes Portugal

After the huge disaster of losing British tourists in Spain and Portugal from Moore's assualt the British decided to take the very British option and send in the British military at the French. At the time the French thought of the British Army as the worst army in the whole of Europe proved by the fact that the French were defeated by the English at Agincourt, Poitiers and Crecy 400 years before. Arthur Wellesley, a British General was sent to re-take Portugal and Spain from the French. In 1809 the British landed North of Lisbon. So the French sent a small force to Oporto to defeat the small English landing force. Unfortunately Oporto was the home of Port, a beverage which the French soon learnt to love, so the French soon became very relaxed and didn't bother to engage the English troops[13].


Sharpe was a British hero of the Napoleonic Wars, famous for womanising and killing "Frenchies." Despite the stories, historians are not sure whether he actually existed or is simply a legend.

Wellesley had a dilema. If he sent in the British troops to attack the French then they too would become addicted to the drink of the region however if he simply beseiged Oporto then his troops would be defeated by much larger French forces who would come to aid the original French force. Thus Wellesley sent in his German troops from the Kings German Legion to attack the French as he knew that the only drink that affected a German was beer (and even then it only made a German more precise). This was a huge success and Wellesley defeated the French forces.

The British force continued advancing through Potugal and then onto Madrid in Spain itself. On the way Wellesley defeated many French armies thrown against him and thus earned little respect from either the British or other allied governments as he was Irish and so not a true Brit. Wellesley was reknown as a master of logistics. His army was fully supplied and needed to steal nothing off the land. This was because companies such as McDonalds and Pizza Hut had sponsered Wellesley's 500 mile march across Spain and so the British troops were not allowed to eat any other food. British troops had also been through a thorough training regime and could fire 3 shots a minute as opposed to the French infantry man's one shot of Port every minute, which left the Frenchman helpless.

“When other Generals make mistakes their armies are beaten; when I fall down a hole, my men laugh at me.”
~ Arthur Wellesley on getting stuck in holes.

Despite the British victory at Talavera, the now Viscount of Wellington decided to retreat steadily to Lisbon as the Spanish rebels in the area were being crushed and Napoleon's greatest Marshall, Marshall Salt, was advancing towards Lisbon (Oporto had been drunk dry by this point).

The (sponsered) march on Madrid

After a winter behind the Torres Vedras, Wellington needed to finally get round to liberating the whole of Spain (around 3 years after the British first came up with the idea). For this he needed more equipment and more supplies. He thus came up with the idea of a sponsered march on Madrid. It was an idea he had taken from a charity day at his primary school and he would now be exploiting in a time of war. Wellington was later to say, "The British education system really does train every man for war."[14] With this sponsered march he would be able to collect enough money to pay for more supplies and equipment from his men.

Wellington therefore decided on a route to Madrid that would pass all the major Spanish cities in the West of Spain to collect as much money as possible. The Spanish, hearing that the sponsored march may be coming through their region, overthrew the French in their area, who had forbid them from wasting money on such a futile charity scheme, and lined the streets with bags of loot to throw into the collection buckets. Soon the British were moving through the Spanish country waving "Save the Spanish" banners and piling up collection buckets.


The British Army paraded through the countryside of Spain pilaging each hamlet for donations towards Spanish Freedom.

When Wellington reached Salamanca, however, he once again met one of Napoleon's most trusted "useless Marshalls", Marshall Salt. This time Marshall Salt felt more confident as he had been reinforced by Polish troops (Polish immigration to Western Europe had just begun around this point). The French and British armies marched around in a circle, eyeing each other up, a tactic present in many shoot-outs of Western Films. The British, however drew first and sent their British, German and Portuguese troops smashing into the French lines. The French almost immediatly broke. The Poles as usual had stolen most of their jobs and the French were now employed as cooks and quarter masters in the French army and so unhappy with this they routed en masse. The Poles gave way after a gallant fight, mainly thanks to new Spanish illegal immigrant deportation laws and Marshall Salt abandoned his army and pretended that he had never controlled it in the first place. Unfortunately Napoleon didn't buy it and he renamed April Fool's Day (Fish Day in France), Salt Day. The pun being that, according to the French, when salt is sprinkled on fish it ruins the taste.

Finally Madrid was reached and the British swarmed through the city to make way for the instalation of the King of Spain once again. When Madrid fell, the French position in Spain deteriorated thanks to the sudden poor weather, which rusted their wagons and weapons. Wellington continued to push Napoleon's armies into France until 1814 when Napoleon's Empire called a tea break for a year and Napoleon went to relax on the Isle of Elba to clear his mind.


For most other nations, the War in Spain was a sideshow however for Britain it was the ipitamy of the whole Napoleonic Wars along with Waterloo and Trafalgar. A small professional army had kicked the mighty French bottom right out of Spain so that the Spanish could once again continue to exist as a slowly declining country and run into more financial problems and rebellions.

It was the first example in history of the moment when the Russians blame the British for not contributing to the war and forcing Russia to do all the effort. It took 2 years for Russia to expell Napoleon's Grande Armee of 600,000 men and drive them across Europe from Moscow to Paris and it took 4 years for the British to rid Spain of Marshall Salt's 200,000 men garrison and travel across the Iberian Peninsula from Lisbon to Madrid. The second example of the Russians blaming the British for not pulling their weight was of course WW2 because the British and French barely suffered anything when France was invaded and and the Channel Islands wiped out.

The War of 1812

Main article: War of 1812

America's failure to conquer Canada left this legacy.

As with most European wars, the Americans felt a necesity to enter the Napoleonic Wars and turn it into a World War. As usual they had planned to enter the war late just as their allies were winning and then claim victory for themselves so they declared war on Britain in 1812, just after the French looked sure to win the war against Russia. Unfortunately for them, unlike with the First and Second World Wars, the USA had got it wrong and hadn't entered on the good-guys side. This meant that America's invasion of Canada was squashed by Canadian peasant farmers and Native Americans, who were actually fighting for freedom and liberty. This confused the American troops because they thought that they were the ones fighting for freedom and liberty.

After the USA's defeat the country fell into complete confusion. It was hard for them to get over the fact that the US was on the Axis' side and that the President had got it wrong. While the American's were staggering about in bewilderment, King George III couldn't hold back his childish intrigue on whether fast food (which did not exist in Europe yet) really was as good as they said it was. He therefore sent a group of British troops up the Hudson River to raid the Presidential Palace and report back with the President's food. Unfortunately the situation got out of hand and the British troops ate the American President's dinner and accidently left the oven on, which burnt down the Whitehouse.

The Americans finally agreed to sign a peace treaty with the British, after the British had blockaded all their ports for five days, which although was not long, meant that McDonald's had begun taking out one of the layers in their "Triple, Double-decker Whooper" and the American people could not stand eating a "Double, Double-Decker Whooper" as a replacement anymore.

Russian Campaign


After having realised that his European blockade did not work as well as he expected, Napoleon tried to find who was guilty. This, of course, was Russia, at that time - the Russian Empire. In reality, it did not even try to cease the relations with Great Britain. Russian peasants in desperate need of money were selling fine fire arms and horses to British soldiers. These soldiers, having been provided with everything they needed for war, could not surrender to Napoleon's blockade. And Britain not having surrendered, Russian peasants continued merchandising with it. This was a vicious cycle which could only be ended with a war. But Russian peacefulness and patience assured that a war was not going to be started by them. So Napoleon had to make the first move. Napoleon, who has never succumbed to any authority, could not understand how a country, which had not even experienced a proper revolution, could dictate his behaviour.

The French agreed that this was a good reason for starting a war.

1812: Beginning of the campaign


Napoleon's logistical skills were said to have had some impact on the outcome of the Invasion of Russia.

The great French Emperor started the Russian campaign. He probably forgot to look at the calendar and was too busy to ask his servants which month it was and so he went to Russia in October, when winter was in its full possession of the country.

Napoleon made the great entry inside Russia, as well as the one inside the history books. He crossed the same river Hitler would come to cross a hundred years later which shows that even at that time he had a very close friendship with Adolf, was well aware of his future plans and probably respected his ideology. He began this glorious campaign by decapitating one of his generals. This made all the Russians afraid of him, so they did not dare refuse him the access into their country.

That is why the whole French Grande Armee (600,000 strong) was able to reach the Borodino field full of nothing. This is where the Russian army had hidden the night before and this had been accomplished so well that Napoleon could not find them anywhere till the following morning. Russians decided to attack and began moving backwards because one of the Russian reversals says: "The best defense is attack" (or maybe the other way round: "The best attack is defense"). The Russian army with marshal Kutuzov at the head of it could not sleep at night because of the great temptation to begin the battle. This is why they struck (retreated) when all the French were still sleeping full of wine and cheese.

Battle of Borodino and its consequences


Leo Tolstoy thanks Napoleon for providing the inspiration for his opus:Woody Allen:Angst and Childcare.

The attack did not work as well as Kutuzov expected because one of Napoleon's marshals was suffering from insomnia and it is he who noticed that the enemies forgot to hide. Russians were forced to return to the battlefield and defend themselves.

The French were acquainted to the rumors about the Russian bravery, so they decided that the only way to beat them was to be even braver. That is why the whole army ran right into the Russian canons and bayonets. Russians did not understand that manoeuvre and the French had to repeat it several times. Finally, when Napoleon has lost most of his talented officers and brave soldiers, the battle began. Kutuzov was glorious. After five minutes, he ordered his army to retreat and to leave Moscow behind.

The end of the campaign

Russian campaign 1812

This is the map that Napoleon had in his cabinet. He did not expect Russia to be twice as big as this in reality.

After losing the Borodino Battle (he lost more soldiers than the Russian army), Napoleon decided to enter Moscow. As it was a common knowledge at that period that Russians were very hospitable, he spent the whole day on of the hills near the town (Moscow was not a village) waiting for the Russian emperor to welcome him. After his impatience and fatigue took over the politeness, he entered Moscow without noticing that all its citizens disappeared, chose a modest apartment in Kremlin and fell asleep without drinking (Russian wine does not count, because of its inferior quality to the French drinks).

The following morning, the Corsican woke up in a very cheerful mood, willing to enjoy himself. He was very surprised to see his lieutenants running around and trying to save all the precious things from the fire started by their enemies. Napoleon, however, still did not suspect a betrayal from the Russian side and was still envisioning a picture of several Russian officers (probably drunk) accidentally dropping a candle on alcohol.

He had to abandon this peaceful image after he discovered that the whole town was burning. Russian capital turned out to be a village.

In the end, Napoleon discovered that nobody found any fertile grounds in Russia. The climate was not that mild and Napoleon's spies informed him that half of the Russian citizens did not know what England or France was. Any further military actions revealed themselves pointless.


"Don't worry Louis, the Socialists win next time."

Situation after the campaign

After the campaign Napoleon was in a worse situation than before. However, there were several good effects of the 1812 war.

First of all, French economy became better because Russians did not steal any food when they were residing in Paris but, on the contrary, honestly paid in all the restaurants where they ate (and which were not very much visited before).

Also, cossacks did not like waiting for food and always screamed: "Bistro!" ("Quickly!") to French waiters. This is how the world famous French bistros appeared. They pretend to serve everyone quicker but even now Russian clients are still not satisfied.

The Russian war tactic has revealed itself to be very wise. Since that moment, France began using it and during the World War 2 they let the enemy inside the country but the lack of experience did not allow them to throw him out without the help of the Allies.

Finally, at that time Napoleon understood that his dream (to be the Russian Emperor and live in this country) was not as good as it seemed. He did not enjoy the Russian capital especially because of the fire and understood how silly he was before. This was one of the main causes of his future depression.

Several minor effects consisted in the liberation of several minor European countries from the French authority.

The Battle of Nations - Leipzig


A lack of cannons saw the French pilfer from German kindergartens for their reduced firepower.

Unfortunately for Europe, Napoleon wasn't done yet. He may have been expelled from Russia but he didn't want to relinquish the rest of Europe, a Continent which he loved so much that he taxed his population to bits about it. As with Hitler's final days, Napoleon too believed he could live on. The Sixth Coalition was formed with Sweden, Prussia, Great Britain and Russia against not France but Napoleon himself. This was generally accepted to be the case by all powers involved apart from Britain who insisted they were fighting both the French and Napoleon.

Soon Metternich, the great map-maker and magician of European politics, pulled Austria into the alliance and the armies of Austria, Prussia, Sweden and Russia descended upon the remanants of the French army at Leipzig.

The Battle of Leipzig was fought in 1813 and was fought by 600,000 combatants making it the largest European battle to take place before WW1 and the most disorganised rabble of men ever to travel to one town in Europe until England invented football and played an away game on the continent. The French army and Napoleon was defeated, finally putting an end to his succesfull string of victories he had aquired over his life. This annoyed Napoleon a lot as he had wanted to mention those victories on his CV for when he needed to apply for his next job.

Napoleon rushed back to Paris and formed a defence of the city. Unfortunately the word "defence" in French has two meanings so his "useless Marshalls" mistaked the command and began to defence the city by removing any fences and barricades which blocked the allied path to victory. The allies then swarmed into the city and Napoleon resigned as Emperor with his famous speech in which he kisses the French flag along with his soldiers and manages to cause one of the greatest outbreaks of typhoid in Paris.


Denied proper healthcare treatments, Napoleon was forced to use the same hanky for his whole time while in exile on Elba.

Napoleon's Exile on Elba

Napoleon finally decided to abdicate the throne of France after the fall of Paris and was sentenced by the allies to live on the Island of Elba ("Elba" being the Italian word for "Elbow"). It was generally agreed by both British and Russians alike that this was an extremely generous re-habilitation for a lower-middle class pleb who'd only taken over all the boring and useless parts of Europe.

While on Elba, Napoleon's illnesses such as madnees got much worse and he began ruling the island as though it were his own. This did not bother the islanders too much as Napoleon's other illness of Alzheimer's meant that he forgot that he ruled over them most of the time. Napoleon when in a fit condition complained that his British Government paid social healthcare worker only came round to his residence once a week for fifteen minutes which was inadequate care for his mental conditions. He was surprised when he was informed that this was because the social healthcare worker was only paid two tupence a week for her services thanks to large Government funding cuts.

Finally Napoleon got fed up and bored of the Island of Elba. He found the taste of the local cheese and wine taste not up to the standards that any "any decent Frenchman could accept" and he therefore decided to end his exile and return to France to build a socialist country that could actually afford social healthcare workers where Frenchman did not need to work and the Government paid them for just being there and being French everyday.

The Hundred Days Campaign

When Napoleon returned from exile he was re-united with his people who had no choice but to adore him for fear of Napoleon remembering he'd left his guilotine behind on Elba. The old Bourbon Monarch was kicked out and replaced with Custard Cream, which had always been Napoleon's prefered choice of biscuit.


Napoleon decided to invade Belgium first as they seemed easy prey to him and he craved for the taste of Belgian chocolate in his puddings. This just happened to be the place where the British, Dutch and Prussian armies were lying in wait and so Napoleon had to defeat each in turn because he was only on Level 1 of the campaign so the AI Prussian army was on super-easy mode. After sweeping aside Prussia easily, Napoleon turned to face the British at Waterloo, named so because the sewage system often was used to cultivate the local agriculture.

The Battle of Waterloo


The victor of Waterloo. Wellington's statue in London is now used as a road marker to warn people about a sectioned off lane of traffic.

Main article: Battle of Waterloo
“By God sir, I've lost my mind!”
~ Lord Uxbridge remarked to Wellington after wasting the British cavalry in the reckless charge at the French guns.
“By God sir, so you have!”
~ Wellington replied as he shot a retreating deserter.

On 18th June 1815 Napoleon and Wellington faced each other over the boggy ground outside Waterloo. Wellington had chosen his position carefully on a steep ridge so that his troops could peer down upon the beautiful French women in the French camp so that they were inspired to win the battle and also so that the French would be forced to advance into the local sewage draining system outlet (although it turned out that the French found this more satisfying than disgusting).

Napoleon, not having had his breakfast that day, sent in an attack against the French Chateau on Wellington's right-flank in an attempt to steal the wine and cheese from the storeroom to feed Napoleon and his Marshalls. This attack was repulsed by the British Foot Guards, the elite troops of the British Army, who then ceremonaly burnt the alcohol storeroom down in plain sight of the French. Horrified that the British had little respect for proper cuisine, Napoleon went on a full scale attack with the main body of his men. Seeing the French attack most of the Dutch remembered they'd left their orange flags behind in Holland and so ran away back home to retrieve them. This left a small Scottish force protecting Wellington's centre. General Picton in command of the Scots cried a celtic war chant and then they all charged down the ridge into the oncoming French. The French immediatly routed, smelling the putrud smell of the average Scotsman. The British cavalry were also commited to battle at this time too, by Lord Uxbridge. They charged straight into the French guns and their horses were made into meals for the starving French peasant soldiers.

Napoleon himself retired, still in shock at seeing good French wine lain to waste and Marshall Ney took command of the field. Marshall Ney remembering the French use of tactics at Agincourt, sent in the whole French cavalry against the British. The British and remaining Germans and Dutch formed squares with bayonets acting as steaks around the edges of these squares. Wellington then ordered the men in the middle of the squares to fill up buckets with the local sewage drained onto the land and chuck the buckets at passing French horsemen. The French mistaking the sewage as perfume, presumed the British wanted to be friends and trotted back to the French lines. Napoleon, who had returned from his 4 hour long toilet break, was furious with the situation. "Attacking the British infantry is like trying to attack a brick wall, that throws poo back at you," Napoleon is quoted to have said. At that moment the trade union leaders of the French army declared that their daily strike was overdue and so they sent the French Army home. Napoleon fled the field for Paris.

Napoleon's Second Exile

Napoleon realising that all was lost, prepared his suicide pill. However this was mistaken for a mussel and served up to an unsuspecting customer in a French seafood restaurant in Brest. Napoleon attempted to flee to America but made the mistake of trying to go to North America and not South America, South America being where most dictators fled to and North America being firmly under the control of other dictators. He was caught by the British and taken to St. Helena, an island in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. There he spent his last few years ranting about how stupid everyone was and playing the sixth Dwarf at the local pantomime every year.

A French view of Napoleon's defeat

French generals, who have survived after the battle, asked General Antoine-Henri to speak for them in front of the people, whilst they were booking a hotel in Corsica. This is what he said:

In my opinion, four principal causes led to this disaster (not counting many minor ones; that day we were the most unfortunate men in the world): The first, and most influential, was the arrival of the enemy forces, Prussians amongst them (how could we expect that they would not be seduced by Belgian peasants and would arrive on time?). The second was the admirable structure of the British infantry, joined to the sang-froid (French sang-froid) and aplomb of its chiefs. The third was the signature horrible weather that the British brought with them. It softened the ground, rendered our offensive movements impossible and retarded till one o'clock the attack that should have been made the previous week. The fourth was the inconceivable formation of the first corps, and the last ones as well, organised by Napoleon's marshalls.

Napoleon's legacy


One of France's Napoleon dishes. The brown chocolate representing Napoleon's digestion problems and the cheese representing Napoleon's cure for them.

Napoleon's main plans and ideas were reconsidered by all the following French monarchs and were realised peacefully (without broken wine-glasses) after all the French military campaigns failed. The result was the League of Nations which later turned into the European Union. This system heralded the "Code Napoleon" one of the most famous constitutions of history, built on the system of Democratic Oligarchy.

Napoleon was adored in France and has since then been seen as a French hero and also the only person in history to ever amasse a group of over 10,000 Frenchman who were not on strike. Unlike the Germans, the French are allowed to admit that they are proud of their dictator because he treated all the nations and races he conquered nicely.

Napoleon's name lives on in many cuisine delicacies of France, including "Le Gâteau de Napoléon"; "Napoléon Délicat au Chocolat" (Delicate and Chocolate Napoleon) and "Les Cuisses aux Grenouille" (a reference to the fact that Napoleon always had to jump to make up for his height). Suprisingly his name also lives on in the English Language with "Boney" meaning a decrebid, nutcase who has lost his marbles.

Some Frenchmen simply choose to believe that the Napoleonic Wars never actually took place and were in reality a series of fictional wars dreamt up by Russians and Brits alike in pubs and taverns that resembled a combined hate for the French and a description of the malicious brawl taking place in one corner of the inn. These Frenchmen pretend that nothing happened between 1789 and 1815 and will suddenly shiver and change the subject in a conversation if those dates are mentioned.

See Also

Reference List

  1. Andrew Charles (1834) Causes of the Napoleonic Wars
  2. Penguin's (2003) The Handy Book for Cross References
  3. Nigel Farage (2010) A History of UKIP with all the Bad Bits left out
  4. Adrianne Turne (1987) Hitler's Only Got One Ball and Other Anatomical Observations of Various Dictators
  5. Francois Le Duc (1964) Les Partes Importantes de l'Histoire
  6. Armus Dredus (1858) The Catholic Church Strikes Back
  7. Peter Trancer (1902), Oil and How Napoleon Got Covered in It.
  8. John Invern (1947), Why the Maltese Don't Deserve the George Cross.
  9. John Invern (1948), Why the British Should Continue to Rule Egypt.
  10. Harry Gareths (1994), Facts about the British Empire that You Cannot Deny
  11. Francois Le Duc (1967), Napoleon Était un Pacifiste.
  12. N.B., Tous Français et tous contents.
  13. Jeff Barks (1975) An Investigation into the Abuse of Alcohol in Western Europe and How to Prevent Alcohol Suffering
  14. Brian Derchard (1843) Wellington's Memoirs
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