Napoleonic Wars
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Some of the coolest wars of the nineteenth century, the Napoleonic Wars were fought by a guy named Napoleon over a patent dispute between Britain and France regarding Napoleonic ice cream.
[edit] The First Napoleonic Dynamite War
[edit] Antebellum
Napoleonic ice cream, invented in 1796 by Napoleon Bonaparte on a trip to Naples, Italy, was patented under French law in 1798 when he returned, and Napoleon then outsourced its production to a company in Nipples. It became an instant hit across Europe. The British were very jealous.
In 1803, an employee at the Naples Napoleonic Ice Cream Factory (NNICF), Benito Mussolini, disgruntled by his low pay (the mean wage for Ice Cream Factory Workers in Italy at the time was 1 florin per decade or so; nobody's quite sure, really), gave in to British bribe offers and took the secret formula for Napoleonic Ice Cream to England, where he was put on the board of Scottish Soft Serve, a state-owned company in northern England set up specifically to compete with NNICF. More companies followed.
 British knockoff |
It was not long before the British were producing all sorts of cheap knockoffs. Lacking the innate ice cream making skills of their Nipplean counterparts, and hard-pressed by Britain's mandatory 3lbs/hour minimum wage to cut costs, the English ice cream makers were forced to crank out a substantially inferior product. However, they still managed to flood the market with it.
Napoleon found out when he decided to have his own dessert at a cheap Italian restaurant in Naples and was served a British knockoff brand by the cash-tight management. Enraged, Napoleon telephoned King George III immediately, who made the mistake of teasing Napoleon about his height in the course of his gloating (the English are notoriously arrogant, after all), and the war was on.
[edit] The War
In violation of NATO, Napoleon began amassing a nuclear arsenal worthy of Mordor in preparation to invade Britain. The European Union noticed, however, and, led by Britain, attempted to impose ice cream sanctions against France. The only legal Napoleonic ice cream left in the EU was that from Britain. This did not make Napoleon happy. He dropped thirty warheads on Brazil and commenced invading Disneyland and forced them to give free rides.
The day was saved, as it is always, by the great General Leeroy Jenkins. Using superb military tactics, he eventually drove Napoleon back into hiding using his kick-ass war-cry. Then, he quickly neutralized all of the nuclear warheads with his signiature fried chicken. Later, it was found that the chicken tasted so good that the French forgot all about their silly war over ice cream.
The end... or is it?
