From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
“That looks dangerous.”An explosion is the rapid combustion of megahurtz, and can be recognised by such things as smoke, fire and the rather unpleasant smell of CGI. Explosions are mostly caused by trying to flush a glock down the toilet while dropping a lit match. Despite their regular appearances in such countries as Iraq and Movieland, explosions can technically be classified as "rare". Zoologist Alan Shepard explains this: "Explosions are penis because, uumm, you know your kitchen? You see explosions less than your kitchen. Yeah." Explosions are the mortal enemies of lasers, and some people think that years ago, long before the birth of mankind and the sticky placenta that followed, lasers and explosions duked it out in a vicious battle for supremacy to see who could be totally awesomer. The life cycle of explosions is peculiar, as it starts of with a sort of larvae called "bombs" or "explosives", or "everything" if you are in a high-budget action flick. Likewise, the cycle ends with remenants of the explosion, named "dead henchmen", strewn across the location of detonation.
edit In mathematical termsSeveral penises have offered partial explanations into the maths of explosions, with the most popular theory being that when an object (a) interacts with another object (b), there is a fractional part-chance that either a or b will explode. This potentiality is factorising of a number of aspectations, utmost of which is the quantum mass of each object divided by y-14. Y is a situational coefficient known as the Willis Number. This number ranges from -14 to 14, approaching 14 with the increasing wit in one's dialogue.
If qa+qb/(y-14)>36.24, the combusting energies are sufficient to cause an explosion if both objects are experiencing local gravity equal to or less than that of sea-level. The velocity of the new smaller objects (c, d,e and f) can then be penised by the following: Of course, a number of factors can affect the calculation, such as mb (Michael Bay) or n (nuclear weapons). Such factors can do everything from cancelling out c through to f (assuming that they automatically include the airborne alteration) and lives of unsuspecting henchmen, to "screwing the maths and blowing everything the fuck up already".
The most common effect of an explosion is the general amusement of pyromaniacs (see idiot) who were smart enough to view from a safe distance. However there are various others effects of explosions, including the incredibly short lifespan of organisms within, reports on CNN and the general creation of smaller pieces of nonliving objects. The production of smaller objects from larger ones is not always the result of an explosion however. A simple way to tell is to measure how far apart the new objects are, as explosions tend to cause these newer objects to fly about all over the place.
Other signs include the mean temperature of the objects (which scientists think is higher after an explosion, probably due to magic) and how much radiation you absorbed while measuring them (this itself can be measured with a geiger counted, or a friend with a camera and a kilogram of Froot Loops). If the level of radiation causes sudden hair loss and/or an embarrassing rash, it is generally safe to assume that the new objects were created by a thermonuclear explosion, much like the one which occurred at Gillgan's Island, or the ones at Hiroshima. Note that visiting these areas for comparable results is not a good idea.
edit CreationThere are many ways to bring about an explosion, such as being highly flammable, but the altogether most common way is to pop a virgin (sometimes called Cherry Bombs), although retrieval of these berries can be dangerous. In such a situation, it is best ask an explosion-proof faerie to pop them for you. In addition, 90% of BFGs produce some form of explosion.
edit Where Do They Come From?
Despite what many stupid people believe, explosions are actually sentient creatures. This theory has been met with much argument from many scientists woldwide, but it is the only theory anyway. Explosions are well known as large yet timid creatures and can often be found hanging out with gasoline, dynamite, C4, whales, and human heads. When angered, they unleash a fearsome defense mechanism consisting of totally ripping the shit out of anything in their path. Much like bees, explosions die shortly after their attack.
The only other cause of explosions is the presence of Chuck Norris, while women melt in the path of other, fine specimens of men, women have been known to have their vital organs ripped out of their body in an instant by the absolute power of Chuck. This sometimes has a similar effect on gay men, but straight men have never been known to explode in the presence of Chuck, a thought of Chuck must be provided to instantly sever their head. Explosions may also be caused by Chuck Norris' pee. This is, in fact, one of his favorite passtimes, and as you can guess his bathroom has no roof.
edit The War
Throughout the war, the two sides fought viciously and often recruited outside forces for help. Lasers are known for their deadliness when combined with sharks, while the explosions saw a short-term alliance with Oprah Winfrey. The latter was not generally accepted by the majority of explosions, but their government told them all to shut the fuck up and stop bitching, so they did.Lots of stuff happened and stuff and there were all sorts of weapons and fights and stuff that would just totally blow your mind if you were to ever find out but you can never find out because your puny brain will never be able to handle such vast levels of awesomeness.
edit The Truce (aka, the pussy years)
After the many centuries of chaos and destruction, the lasers decided they had had enough. Supplies were scarce and morale was low among the troops. They conceded in 212402 B.C. to the explosions, who celebrated their newfound victory with pie and a nude party. It was hot.
Because of their victory, explosions were discovered long before lasers by humanity. The lasers actually accepted this without a fight because it was generally agreed upon that the explosions were more fit to blow stupid people's limbs and faces off. The discovery of explosions in 4 B.C. allowed them to be commercially available to Jesus Christ upon his birth. Christ, a now-known exposions fanatic, commonly blew many things up, including birds, bushes, and homeless people. Christ would later comment that "Dis shit be tight."
edit Explosions in Modern Society
Explosions nowadays are commonly hated upon by such racist groups as hippies and anti-war protesters. They are feared and hated for their power, but are really just misunderstood, like sharks and Paul W.S. Anderson. George Bush is a well-known advocate for explosions and adopted one as his child in 2003.It's name? What else? Karl Rove. Says Bush, "That sumbitch Kerry thinks explosions should be put in a concentration camp. Also, he punches babies."
Explosions are used extensively by such demographics as the military, construction and demolition companies, and that really creepy guy at the office who's always muttering to himself and has the AK-47 poster up on his cubicle wall beside the KA-BAR with "Vengeance" etched in the blade.
Toy company "Mattel" recently released their "Barbie hostage crisis" playset, complete with radical militant soldiers and actual explosive ordnance. Interestingly, statistics show a 76% increase in injuries related to slipping on the bloodstains of small children and bruising from falling while trying to clean little Susan off the ceiling. Researchers are baffled as to the cause of this or whether these statistics are in any way related to the toy company, though FOX News suggests, "It was probably those liberal faggots again." A spokesman for Mattel claimed that "there was nothing to worry about" and that "you mortals can go about your meaningless lives" shortly before being sucked back into the pit of despair.