Nancy Grace

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search
Bouncywikilogo9
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Nancy Grace.
Mustaine

Nancy Grace at the mike...everyone take cover!

“Asshole.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Nancy Grace
“This is the true* account of how I lost a part of my Soul”
~ Guest #3 on Nancy Grace
“Evil Has a Face”
~ Larry King on Nancy Grace
“" "”
~ Craig (news.securecomp.org/SpareRoom on Nancy Grace

Nancy Ann Grace (born October 23, 1959) is an American legal commentator, television host, television journalist, and former prosecutor. Widely considered America's top prosecutor, Grance was born in 1960-something. When you tune into her show, you can actually smell her soul rotting through the television screen. She is a dangerous and violent television host who shoots fire from her eyes. It is thought that she may be a distant relative of Medusa. She's also on the rag 24/7. She's a fat, annoying bitch that really needs to be euthanized. You know like that dog you hit on your way home at 3 a.m. after a drinking binge with a one legged Vietnamese hooker named Yum Yum. She also won't SHUT THE FUCK UP about the Casey Anthony story. (SERIOUSLY NANCY, CAN IT!) She also has a prominent nasal blockage no doubt caused by constantly burying her nose squarely up her own ass. Her intern staff has admitted that she wears the same bra everyday because she believes it was the same that John Wilkes Booth used to strangle President Lincoln.

edit Watching 'Nancy Grace' on HLN

I was resting in bed one day, watching T.V as people do, when I came across a woman. She wore heavy makeup, wore her hair in an odd stiff style, and had a fire in her eyes and voice. She was arguing with some person about the innocence of a crime suspect. She felt very strongly that the suspect had indeed committed the crime, which was odd considering the evidence in the case was very weak.

Through the next few weeks I felt compelled to watch her show. I began to act strange and irritable. I would scream at the television. I stopped eating and bathing. My dog wouldn't come near me. I was being slowly murdered by this hate-filled, back-woods, inbred, corn pone country harlot of a woman. Her name (I shudder to speak it aloud) is Nancy Grace. And she was slowly stealing my Soul a piece at a time.

Nancy Grace is concentrated evil. I do believe she may even be Satan. She is at least on the short list of candidates for that position. Whoever said that the Prince of Darkness (no, not Ozzy, bless his soul) had to be male? Nobody is expecting a woman, right? She is the Medusa of our time. If you look directly into her eyes for any length of time you begin to lose hope in the Goodness of the world. The light dims, your soul will shiver in fear, and if she doesn't suck it through the television to feed upon it, as her kind are wont to do (see "succubus") your precious Spirit will flee your body, this Earth, and this very realm of existence to find a plane upon which the horrific terrorizing Evil that is Nancy Grace cannot be found. May the Souls of those unfortunates find peace!

edit Legal background

Here is some basic background on The Sadist Nancy. She grew up in Georgia and lost her virginity to her father and uncle in the annual family orgy at the ripe age of 12. Her mother thought her a prude for waiting so long. It is said that her first words after the breaking of her hymen were, "Git off me Pa, yer crushin' mah smokes."

The Soul-Eater was a strange child for her family, having made it through high school only being held back three times. She went on to study journalism at a local college. The Dean accepted her based solely on her fellatio skills (which she could attribute to her older brother's nightly instructions). At this time she actually found a man she wasn't related to that had agreed to marry her (the out-of-family aspect shocked her parents to no end). This man was blind and was often known to eat his own feces as one would eat corn on the cob. This poor individual was granted divine release from his painful situation when another man mercifully murdered him. Her Evilness was so distraught over the loss of her first victim that she changed her field of study to Southern Law (which we all know is a system of law in which race plays a major factor).

The Dark One's Daughter went on to become a prosecutor. Her expertise was using underhanded tactics to convict innocent men of crimes they didn't commit. She was so good at it that the Georgian Supreme Court investigated her. Twice. The GEORGIAN Supreme Court...yeah.

edit Switch to television

After the Agents of Good forced her out of practicing law, she somehow swindled her way onto Court TV, reporting on various criminal cases. Then she obtained a position with CNN (whose administrators usually display moderately logical judgment, but I suppose they needed someone to compete with Bill O'Reilly). She describes herself as an advocate journalist; which is an oxymoron, like a good liar or an honest banker.

Journalists are suppose to report truth and be neutral. No such thing as advocacy when you're neutral. Really she just uses her position to steal souls. She is the purveyor of all things wrong and unholy. She produces and distributes child porn and heroin. She traffics in sexual slaves and sells machetes to warring tribes in Africa. If their is a bad thing that you can think of (alcoholism, sub-prime mortgages, Sudden Infant Death Syndrome, flash floods, AIDS,hemorrhoids, brain tumors, genocide,bad head gas prices, jaundice, nose bleeds, all the various forms of cancer, acne, etc.) this horrid, evil, satanic woman is involved in it in some fashion. She wishes to undermine all that is Good and Just in the world, that she might then devour it.

edit Exorcism

I was saved by my loving family. They obtained four priests to perform something kind of like an exorcism/intervention. Long story short, I'm alive again. Though with only part of my Soul intact. She'd already irretrievably devoured part of it.

So guard thy selves well. If you cannot avoid this Demon, their are some things you can do to protect yourself and your family. She does not like mirrors, holy water, the true laughter of a child, kind and unselfish deeds, or the touch of pure iron.

Don't be fooled; garlic, silver bullets, salt and wooden stakes have no effect on her. The most powerful weapon we have against her is to perform an unselfish act. Each time a person does something kind for (or to) another person, without any intention of making a profit or gaining some type of benefit, her power in this realm decreases a little bit. Join us in the fight to save our world. We must not let her win so easily.

So go out today and love someone for nothing. She'll hate it almost as much as she hates you.

edit Love affair with Michael Jackson

In 2006, Nancy Grace went totally apeshit over the trial of Michael Jackson, otherwise known as Prince, for child abuse. She was completely unhinged, pounding her fist on the studio set and screaming, "Guilty! Guilty! Guilty!" over and over while on-air, and also for hours off-air, apparently oblivious that filming was over. Towards the end of the trial she swore that "Jackson will be found guilty or I will eat a massive helping of crow on-air!" When he was found to be innocent, Queen Grace chickened out and ordered Taco Bell instead, which is ten times worse.

It turns out, based on subsequent investigation by rival network MSNBC and their Dateline NBC program Purient Justice that Nancy Grace was a jilted ex-girlfriend of Jackson's. Apparently she refused to tone down her nymphomaniac tendencies while around him, and he dumped the poor bitch. As they say, he' hath no fury like a scorned woman!!!

edit Transcript of on-air confrontation

The following notable episode of Nancy Grace aired live on September 17, 2006.

Nancy Grace, former federal prosector: "Good evening, I'm Nancy Grace, and we have Breaking News!!! BOMBSHELL TONIGHT! A young blond toddler has gone missing in the Tampa public library!!! We're out, live, to crack the case tonight. Beginning with, KDUM correspondent Jeremy Dundun."

Dundun: "Hello ma'am, it's good to--"

Grace: "Objection! You stop right there pal or I will sue your pants off for sexual harassment. Now tell me, where were you on the night of September 15, 2006??"

Dundun: "I was in the newsroom prep--"

Grace: "So you have no alibi! No witnesses! Do you sir have an interest in young girls? Young white toddlers???!!""

Dundun: "No, ma'am--"

Grace: "Ah! So you are interested in little girls! Where is she? Where is little Ashlee!!!???""

Dundun: "I'm a reporter...I am here--"

Grace: "Reporter? I CALL B.S.!!!! Now, to the experts. Unleash the lawyers! Joining me now, Marla Toto of the New York District Attorney's office, and Callie Hammond of the Public Defenders of America."

Lawyers (crosstalk): "Good to be with you Nancy."

Grace: "We have here the chief suspect, Jeremy Dundun, related to the missing Ashlee. What do you think of his 'defense', Callie?"

Hammond: "Nancy, he doesn't sound like he is involved--"

Grace: "Typical defense lawyer!" (shakes head) "Lying all the time. You know Callie, I had a teensy-weensy bit of respect for you until now! Now, nada! Zilch! To Marla, isn't he guilty as sin!??"

Toro: "Well, based on the available facts, we may be looking at a range of possible suspects...he may or may not be--"

Grace: "HE! IS! GUILTY!!!"

Toro: "Nancy, let's be reasonable here--"

Grace: "WHAAAT??? You betta turn in you're law degree now young lady. We have a guilty predatory man right here and you are afraid to defend innocence in the face of such evil. How dare you? How can you sleep at night????!!!"

Lawyers (crosstalk): "But! But!"

Grace: "If it were all up to me, you'd ALL be under ARREST. You, Jeremy, for kidnapping an innocent little girl. And you, pathetic excuse for lawyers, Callie and Marla, as ACCESSORIES to the CRIME!!!! TAKE THEM AWAY!!!" (gestures to producers)

Grace: "Get the handcuffs!!! As you can see, we here at Nancy Grace are committed to the safety and protection of America's innocent victims. We are always working on behalf of Lady Justice..."

Grace: "And I want to thank you, the viewers, for bringing us into your homes. Until next time, good night, friend."

(As the camera fades out)...

Grace: "Oh! and don't forget to buy my latest book, Objection!! The case against all lawyers and especially you!!!!"

The preceding was a typical episode of Nancy Grace, airing weeknights on HLN.

Personal tools
projects