NCIS (TV series)
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“Why are there so many motherfuckin' letters in that motherfuckin' name”
“It's like the Navy killing people”
“Ya think, Obvious?”
“You American's steal all your good ideas from us”
NCIS (Native Crimenal Investigation Service) was created by CBS when they realised that CSI was too scientific (read = expensive), the straight-forward cop show was too violent (read = expensive) and no one was watching JAG anymore (read = expensive). It concerns the various adventures of stern-yet-endearing former Marine and father-figure Leroy Jethro Gibbs and his team of sex/science-crazed yet siblingly team of miscreants that seem to have no friends or life outside of work, and yet still have things to talk about.
Because CBS was worried about all the navy-obsessed fans of JAG buggering off to other channels, Season One dealt with cases that actually concerned the Navy. However, once these fans had been safely harvested, CBS realised they could just go ahead like any other cop show and squash the occasional marine or dogtag into the odd case. They also realised something was needed to define them, so someone came up with actually revealing to the viewers the outcome of the case without all that tedious watching: before the episode starts, there is a sound like a duvet being hit and the screen shows a black and white image of some members of the NCIS team looking distressed or some poor sucker's mangled corpse. Episode continues normally until it reaches this point in time, and the greyness returns. Enter commercial break, unless you're watching in Britain or Australia, in which case this happens randomly and annoyingly in between breaks. After the break, the end of the next bit is revealed.
Episode begins with a grizzly murder. On discovery/occurence of this murder, the camera pans to Agent DiNozzo posing with an obnoxiously flashing camera. Other characters argue/pose/crack one-liners over the corpse. ME arrives and cracks a one-liner. Gibbs cracks a one-liner, and the intro sequence happens, featuring various shots of the characters running around in Washington waving their guns and raising their eyebrows at each other. There is a short turf-war with another agency (usually Tobias Fornell from the FBI, but it can also be with some random CIA spies.) Afterwards, Gibbs usually goes to autopsy and complains that Ducky the ME is taking too long cutting up dead guys. If Season Two, this will feature a reference to Ari Haswari, resident evil guy and arch-nemesis. If Season Four, ME's assistant Jimmy Palmer and Agent Lee will usually be having sex somewhere strange. Ducky will tell Gibbs things, and Gibbs will shimmer off upstairs to the NCIS lair, usually breaking up some childish argument between DiNozzo and McGee or DiNozzo and Kate/Ziva. Gibbs yells at DiNozzo to get back to work, and yells at McGee, who does things to his computer and finds a suspect. Some driving stunts, only to find suspect is gone. If season 3 to 5, Gibbs argues/flirts with the director (he only argues with the director of seasons 1 and 2 and threatens to shove the toothpick of Vance up his ass). He will always get his own way. DiNozzo (who is doing no work) finds some vital piece of evidence. Suspects are uncovered/spoken to. Case is seemingly hopeless. But then Abby calls up Gibbs and reveals some case-cracking piece of evidence which inevitably leads them to the wrong suspect. However, by this point Gibbs undoubtedly knows who the murder is. Some interrogating happens and his suspicions are proved. More driving stunts and some gun-waving. Somebody jumps on the suspect who whines a bit and confesses. Everybody sits in NCIS lair in evening and talk each other/eat Chinese food. Gibbs grins or cracks a one-liner. Enter credits.
edit Current Cast
- Special Agent Leroy "Jenkins" Jethro Gibbs
The Dad figure. A Marine. Was blown up in Season Three and went completely insane. As a result, spent the summer living as a bum in Mexico with a beard and his adopted dad. Came back in Season Four and downgraded to a moustache, which soon died due to popular demand. Has three ex-wives that he plots feverishly to have murdered (he even tried to have the mob do it for him once), one dead wife, and a few ex-girlfriends - most of which are redheads (though not all - one was Medusa). Spent one summer in Paris banging Jenny Shepard, but she left him for Job. Has frequent flashbacks and/or visions of his dead wife and daughter, who died in a tragic banana boat accident. It was discovered in Season Six that Gibbs is John Walton's son by some floozy from down the mountain.
- Special Agent Anthony "Very Special Agent" DiNozzo
The Older Brother figure. An ex-Jock fratboy who has delusions of Gibbs-hood. Is very pretty. Isn't good at much so they let him sketch crime scenes, which lets him sit there and perfect his prettiness. As a result of not being good at much, he is the one who is usually framed for crimes he didn't commit by evil, sadistic murderers out to destroy the aforementioned prettiness. This was a reoccurring theme for Seasons Three, Four, and Five. Got a really annoying half-French, American-raised girlfriend in Season Four, who is, unfortunately, still alive somewhere, but we haven't seen her since she accused him of killing her pet goat. Has allegedly bonked all female members of his team. Is head-slapped in nearly episode by Gibbs, and then head-slaps McGee because he can. Is also supposedly pregnant with McGee's child. Accidentally made out with a guy in a bar, thinking he was a chick. Carried a bucket full of crap as a child. Is a huge movie buff and uses every opportunity to relate an event to something from a movie. Just like you and your friends do, which means that you and your friends are cool like DiNozzo.
- Played by surfer dude Michael Weatherly.
- Special Agent Timothy "Mc-Whatever-DiNozzo-Says" McGee
The resident noob and Younger Brother figure. Is a complete nerd who is, miraculously, a genius at both math and literature. Wrote a book about the NCIS team, just with different names. Naturally, this was the plotline for several episodes. Got rich and bought a leather jacket, having previously dressed himself in an unvarying routine of beige suits not matching his pants with diagonally-patterned ties. Shaved his head at one point. Has a reoccurring crush on Abby, and gets jealous whenever she dates someone. Speculation is that the writers are trying to duplicate the sexual tension between DiNozzo and Ziva, but it's not working. At all. Still, he managed to attract Abby by getting a tattoo on his ass and they promptly had sex in a coffin. Went on a Jenny Craig diet; it worked and he was finally thin enough to join NCIS.
- Played by rabid Trekkie Sean Murray.
- Abby "I Can Kill You Without Leaving Any Evidence" Sciuto
The Younger Sister figure and Gibbs' favorite. It is uncertain whether being the favorite is meant in a familial way or if she and Gibbs are secretly banging each other. Sleeps in a coffin. Has a farting hippo plushie called Bert. Talks to her machines. Has several stalkers. Had sex in a coffin with McGee, and is suspected to be a vampire. ODs on caffeine daily. Seriously. We could not make this up.
- Played by Goth legend Pauley Perrette.
- Special Agent Eleanor "Are you going to eat that?" Bishop
The team's latest token girl and also the challenger for McGee's place as resident noob. Used to be with the NSA, until she wasn't. Eats a lot, but never gains weight, and refuses to tell anyone what her secret is, the brat.
- Played by blonde cousin of Pip from South Park, Emily Wickersham.
- Director Leon "Dude with a 'Tude" Vance
The Cousin figure. Appeared in Season Five when Jenny Shepard, the then-Mom figure, was suspected of embezzeling from the local bake sale. Took over in Season Six and promptly sent DiNozzo, Ziva, and McGee to summer camp and made Gibbs babysit the neighbor's kids. Is BFFs with Ziva's dad. Enjoys pissing Gibbs off whenever possible.
- Played by that guy who plays with rocks, Rocky Carroll.
- Doctor Donald "Ducky" "Dukes of Duck" Mallard
The Grandfather figure and also Scottish. Has insane British mom who says British things and has British corgis. Scottish. Went to a Scottish school in Scotland, drives a British car and is tres cultured. Scottish. Had a threeway with Gibbs and Jenny in France where he and Gibbs were mean to les flics while Jenny was nice. Did we mention he was Scottish? Has also been caught numerous times performing necrophilia.
- Played by the single British actor in the world, David McCallum.
- Jimmy "J-J-Jim-my" Palmer
The nerdy Kid-Next-Door figure and Ducky's nerdy assistant. Can't read maps. Has constant and unlikely sex with Agent Lee throughout Season Four. Devoured the previous ME's assitant to get the job. Became slightly less nerdy when he dated and then married this really hot chick who is really into necrophilia. She has no idea that he has never had sexual relations with a corpse. Is completely terrified of Gibbs.
- Played by Abs' man Brian Dietzen.
- The Elevator
Not technically a person, but still an important character. People often share feelings, top secret information, or impromptu hugging sessions in its presence, since these things cannot happen outside of it due to contract constraints. The only exception to this is if such things are revealed in Gibbs' basement. See also: "Under the Stairs."
- Played by The Elevator.
- F.B.I. Agent Tobias Fornell
The Dad's buddy figure and the show's requisite FBI asshole. There are no other FBI agents unless they are his mindless minions or ex-girlfriends. Married one of Gibbs' ex-wives and spawned a kid with her. Promptly hanged himself later, but Got Better due to being the only FBI agent around and CBS not wanting to invent a new one (read = expensive). Also has a thing for flipping elevator switches. Is good friends with The Elevator. Has recently gotten back together with his ex-wife, and both of them have been trying to seduce Gibbs into a threesome.
- Played by that spanner-wielding guy, Joe Spano.
edit Former Cast
- Special Agent Caitlin "Puritan Kate" Todd
The ex-Sister figure and token girl. Used to be in the Secret Service but got fired for trying to shoot Spotty. Had UST with Gibbs at one point, then started dating voraciously in a vain attempt to make him jealous. Was stalked by Ari Haswari, who was obsessed with her, and then kills her at the end of Season Two when she spurned his advances. CBS planned to resurrect her halfway through Season Four, but Ziva devoured her to keep her job. It took a while, but CBS was able to get past this by bringing her sister onto the show to shrink everyone.
- Played by sashaying Sasha Alexander.
- Director Jenny "Black Widow" Shepard
The Mother figure for Seasons Three, Four, and Five. Was the first director that appeared on the show on a regular basis. Doesn't speak much about her past, but that's mainly because Gibbs gave her brain damage after fucking her brains out in Paris. Started screwing DiNozzo in Season Four while Gibbs was growing a beard in Mexico. Seduced The Frog, and killed him after she did him. Dies at the end of Season Five when an ex-girlfriend finally catches up with her.
- Played by Jim Carey's ex-wife Lauren Holly. No, really.
- Special Agent Ziva "Zee-Zee" David
Is theoretically the Sister figure, but there is speculation that she and DiNozzo are secretly getting it on in various places including the Director's office. Also a completely sexy and gorgeous ninja chick. If she isn't getting it on with DiNozzo, then she seriously needs to before the pent-up sexual tension implodes and eats them. Starts getting possessive of DiNozzo in Season Five and is a bitch to every woman who looks at him. Is also the team's token girl. Initially starts out as the "liaison" between NCIS and Isreal, but hardly ever does so. Eventually, she joins NCIS for real to piss off Daddy David. It works, and he throws shrimp at her. Too thin to be called butch, but the capacity is there. Is good at beating people up and talking about her supposed butchness, so this is her job. Is really Solid Snake in disguise. Left the show but miraculously didn't die. As far as we know.
- Played by singer/song-writer/acrobat Cote de Pablo.
- Special Agent Michelle "I am super smart and you can't beat me!" Lee
The nerdy-kid-next-door's-shag figure. Is Asian, and is therefore good at math. A lawyer and part-time nerd. Can't shoot, until she suddenly can. Used Palmer to gain access to secret information, though how that makes sense, we don't know. Went evil and was promptly killed. Large numbers of men aged 18 to 39 promptly killed themselves in response.
- Played by that hot chick Liza Lapira.
- Gerald "Wait, what?" Jackson
The former smartass sidekick figure and Ducky's ex-assistant. Had a steamy relationship with his iPod, who cheated on him with Ducky. Let Ari Haswari shoot him in the midst of his heartbroken depression. Was replaced by Jimmy Palmer while whining in the hospital. When he tried to return to his job, Palmer ate him to ensure that he couldn't.
- Special Agent Paula "Been There, Done Him" Cassidy
The cousin of the neighbor figure. A girl. Had a thing with DiNozzo until Ziva had her assassinated by chompsticks in Season Four.
- Played by Jessica Steen, that one girl who tried to play Elizabeth Weir once. It didn't work.
- Doctor-Agent Ari "Die Gibbs Die!" Haswari
The stalker figure. Darth Vader: the early years. So obsessed with Kate he had to kill her. Likes blowing shit up. Ziva's half-brother due to her dad having a fling with his mom. She shot him in Season Three when he went evil. Seriously, you'd think people would learn on this show that if you go evil, you will end up dead.
- Played by ninja Rudolf Martin.
- La "The Frog" Grenouille
Arch-nemesis figure for Season Four. Tony's irritating girlfriend's dad. Bit it in Season Five after he screwed Jenny. His name is woefully mispronounced. His wife left him after he tried to eat her. This is normal in frogs.
- Played by... oh, who cares, really?
- Doctor Jeanne "Tadpole" Benoit
Bitch. Frogspawn. Bitch. Tony's girlfriend in Season Four. They broke up in Season Five when she tried to eat him. Used as an insult when DiNozzo gets even more annoying than usual. Ziva should have eaten her.
- Played by that one chick in that really bad movie.
Itself launched by JAG, NCIS has in turn launched NCIS: Los Angeles, NCIS: Las Vegas, NCIS: New York, NCIS: Puerto Rico, NCIS: Royal Naval Patrol NCIS: People's Republic of China, and NCIS: Guam. Each new spinoff's pilot has the new characters investigate the lead character of the old show for murder. None of course, that are as popular as the original, but used as sparse money-makers, as the ratings go up higher than their average of 80 whenever they feature an original NCIS character that has obviously been bribed or blackmailed.