From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
NBA Jam is a fruit preserve product made for spreading on bread, toast, cakes and various other sweets and confectionery. It is a sweet tasting spread, made from various flavors of fruit, such as various berries and NBA players semen. A Very simmilar product to Jelly Spread but has seeds in it.
Welcome to NBA JAM
The National Basketball Association (NBA) have their own special brand, that was established in 1992 by Midway Home Jam Makers. The Jam is made up from professional basketball players blood, sweat and semen. The product is also made up personally by each player that represents their own flavor.
He's Heating Up
Each individual contracted to their special label flavor is required to have an NBA official observe the process to mark it as 100% genuine to what goes into each 350ml serving of delicious NBA Jam. The official will be required to make sure the athlete, or athletes in some cases, testicles or anus are at a barmy 76 degrees Celsius. Anything below that temperature is rejected and sent to Smuckers for their lower quality Goober products. The official may be required to bring the individual people involved a hot towel, Gatorade to put back in what the sweat takes out, or sometimes if the individual is having personal problems, he may be required to lend a hand him or herself.
He's On Fire
Once the JAM is in it's fermenting stage of the process, it is then sent into a boiler at 350 degrees to kill off any live sperm cells to make sure no fertile tadpoles can re-produce in the prevention that eating NBA Jam will cause rappers to think they are basketball stars, or in worse previous known cases, basketball players thinking they are rap stars. This process became compulsory by the NBA in 1998 after evidence was given after watching the MTV top 100 marathon of current rap music since 1995.
NBA JAM: Tournament Edition
In 1996 the flavors of the Jam product where enhanced and expanded to include more then just one players personal touch. The regular individual flavors remained on the market while new flavors where brought in to heat things up, and to keep interest in the jam. Some new flavors included, "2 in 1", "Practice Shots" to "whole teams" contributing to the new flavors of NBA JAM. Some flavors even claimed to help give power-ups to every serving, to make people run faster, jump higher and for the L.A brand, to rape harder.
NBA JAM Extreme
This product was introduced in 1998 as part of the last promotion the NBA JAM product would try introducing. It had vast improved flavors and more contributors, but after this one, no one was really taking much notice of the product anymore. One reason for this is that the makers, Sculptured Soft Foods, plastered the word "EXTREME" all over the packaging. They also measured every nutrient in EXTREME measurements, right down to EXTREME Calories per EXTREME serving. Even the jam itself was covered in EXTREME. All this extreme made eating the jam an extremely slow process. Drinking games soon sprang up where people would take a shot every time they saw the word EXTREME in the jam. They would always be too drunk to continue before they got halfway through the jar and end up eaten by any nearby grizzly bears. Such incidents were especially common in Vancouver. Safety concerns also arose when people discovered that the Chicago brand grew multicolored hair and that spreading the jam on the same piece of bread three times would cause the jam to smoke. The product was not as much as a success, so it was agreed upon, to just keep the popular brands under the regular NBA JAM title's and port it to every home eater they could.
Each glass jar is made from a 100% authentic NBA glass backboard. It is a well known fact that each backboard will break and shatter to pieces between the 1st to 3rd major slam dunks in the 4th quarter, that is, provided it was dunked on massively during the first 3 quarters. Once the cameras are off screen from visibility of the shattered ring, half the NBA JAM clean-up-crew move in as fast as lightning and collect the glass to be recycled for the NBA JAM jars while the other half replace the backboard with a stronger one that will not break. The glass is then taken to the NBA JAM factory and melted down to make the jars that supply the contents of the delightful tastes of NBA JAM.
NBA JAM with Wee
NBA JAM has remained a classic jam spread for over 3 decades now. In January 2010, original recipe and Midway marksman Mark Turmwell joined the E.A team's confectionery label to start concepts for a new NBA JAM promotion. It has been over a decade since the NBA JAM product has launched a new flavor. Mark is currently coming up with ideas with E.A to launch new urine flavored jams to be exclusively sold wherever Nintendo toilet products are found. The NBA JAM Wee project is yet to be labeled with an official name, but the product should start being manufactured and launched by November 2010.
- Update: NBA Jam was released under the same title in 2011. Appearing not just with wee, but also with a surprise flavors from NBA players ex-girlfriends, entitled eX-Box Jam. The flavor's have been a smash success since their release, so awesome that the products are also found on the shelves of Playstation Shopping Isles and sold in smaller travel size doses via the Itunes home shopping device.
- Shaq Attack - Made from the personal feces of Shaquille O'Neal after his post Friday night Taco Bell dinner rampages.
- Jordan's Air Balls - Is a rather salty tasting spread produced from Michael Jordans wrung out testicle sweat. It was pulled off the shelf in 1995, but returned in 1996, then fucked off again in 1998 only to return in 2000 with a new flavor that no one cared to try.
- Magic's Johnson - This is a special magic lemonaid flavor that speaks for itself. The personal slogan for this jam is "when life gives you aids, make lemonaids"
- Kareem Abdul Chewbar - This is a rather thick spread that contains bits of crunchy peanut and brittle chunks and comes in a Jar 33 times the size of your dick.
- Dennis's Rod, Man - This was a popular product with celebrities in the late 90's, but was pulled off shelves for giving people worms.
- Patrick Spewing - The oatmeal textured vomit created by this one was a #1 seller until they found traces of hookers pubic hairs inside them.
- Bird Dip - Larry Bird personally extracts 3 pints of semen into every cup himself, which makes it a rare find as only 5,000 are produced per year.
- Kobe Cola - This particular product is no longer available due to flavor of it just plain sucks, and too many women complained once they opened the jar it attempted to rape them.
- Mugsey Takes A Bog - This one is popular with people who just want a little extra something in their diet.
- Scottie Shitten - At first the name put everyone off trying the Jam, but once they tried it, they knew it was a great back up to help improve the flavor of the Air Balls jam when mixed together correctly.
- Anfernee Hardaway At Work - This was a popular flavor in Orlando for a while, but then people realized the taste wouldn't get them very far.
- Latrine Peewell - Made from the entire teams sweat and urine of the Golden Shower Warriors.
- Utah Jizz - This flavor wasn't the same when Karl Malone & John Stockton parted ways and left their contribution to the jams fecal matter tasting rather empty.
- Chicago Bull Sperm - The flavor used to be popular when people thought Scottie Pippen and Jordan where included in the team jam, but it turned out it was just the sperm of Luc Longley, Bullwinkle & The Rock.
- Charles In Charge - Sir Charles Barkley still manages to sell this product, even tho he spent the end of his career in the shadow of the other flavor Hakeem "The Jam & Cream" Olajuwon, the product still managed to sell.
- Ankle Breakers - This is a popular spread with kids for a while, till no one will pass them the jar and hog it all to themselves.
- Detroit Piss Tonnes - Isaiah Thomas will collect 1 tonne of piss from the Detroit Pistons locker room, and donate it to NBA JAM to make this bitter-sweet flavor.
- Washington Wizz - This ones much like the Detroit one, only it doesn't taste as good.
- Philly 69ers - This one is made up from the Philadelphia 76er's and their cheerleaders wetspots.
- Miami Heating Up - This is the most common Jam on the market by the NBA Jam company. The Miami Heat jerk off into 7 buckets before each game for the flavor to be mixed in with Coconut and Pineapple.
- San Antonio Sperms - Tim dunks his Duncan into a cantaloupe once per month and shoots of the extracts into a towel boys Gatorade cup for a surprisingly refreshing taste that puts back in what the cum takes out.
- Clydes Drexler - Clyde will glide his penis through 90 degrees of hot chocolate and then top off the flavor with chopped up M&M's.
- Charlotte Horny Bastards - this was popular till they lost Larry's Johnson and Alonzo's Morning contributions leaving the Jam to struggle to sell till it was just given up on all together.
- L.A Shitters - Trust us, you don't wanna know what they put in this crap.
- Boston Spill Dicks - a creamy after taste of mint and Celtic pride goes into every jar.
- Wilts Chamber - this one died off the market, but was said to be great in it's day as possibly the best flavor of all time.
- Horses Ass Grant - This one comes with goggles on the jar. It has a pretty good defensive taste, but hasn't sold as well since 1995.
- Double-Dribble - This one just drools with flavor provided by the towel boys of the Memphis Grizzlies.
- Denvers Nuggets - This one is a more required taste for people who want a chunky chicken taste with hints of nuts and corn.
- Yao Dingle Ming - This has a big Chinese flavor that is delicious and makes you crave more of it but it it keeps falling off the shelves and breaking it's jars, so you can only find it for a few days in the early season of January.
- Cleveland's Cream - This flavor has a very smokey flavor procured from the air in Cleveland and had sucked until 2003 when they added a flavor that is now in Miami Heating Up. Up until 2010 this flavor was one of the best on the market, but the special ingredient decided to "take it's flavor to South Beach". Now this is one of the worst flavors in the world.
Famous People Who Secretly Love NBA Jam flavors
|National Basketball Association (2010)|
|Atlantic Division: Boston Celtics | New Jersey Nets | New York Knicks | Philadelphia 76ers | Toronto Raptors|
|Central Division: Chicago Bulls | Cleveland Cavaliers | Detroit Pistons | Indiana Pacers | Milwaukee Bucks|
|Southeast Division: Atlanta Hawks | Charlotte Bobcats | Miami Heat | Orlando Magic | Washington Wizards|
|Northwest Division: Denver Nuggets | Minnesota Timberwolves | Portland Trail Blazers | Oklahoma Team Stealers | Utah Jazz|
|Pacific Division: Golden State Warriors | Los Angeles Clippers | Los Angeles Lakers | Phoenix Suns | Sacramento Kings|
|Southwest Division: Dallas Mavericks | Houston Rockets | Memphis Grizzlies | New Orleans Hornets | San Antonio Spurs|
|Other Articles: NBA Finals | All-Star Game | NBA Draft | Current team rosters ||