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“Boogity boogity boogity! Lets go racing boys!”
NASCAR (often confused with NASCRAP) is a motorsport in which cars loosely resembling what they're named after drive lap after lap after fucking lap around an oval. It is believed to have originated from Bill Clinton whilst on sabbatical in Tanzania. Though criticized by the International Baseball Society for unoriginality, Rednecks have insisted that it not be removed from the Olympics.
“This is getting heated up, folks.... OOH!!! Look! He's making another left! And another left! Look! That's four left turns in succession! WOOHOO!!!”
At NASCAR driving school you are taught to turn left, turn left, turn left, and turn left, and repeat for about 270 more laps. Of course, there are some complex road courses, like another motorsport whose name we will not disclose for security reasons.
Races last approximately three hours. That's three hours of cars driving around in a circle. No, seriously, that's all that happens. I'm not fucking kidding. They drive around in a circle. A fucking circle. For three hours. (later insert: OH, I'M SOOOOO SORRY. IT'S REALLY AN OVAL. Fucking geometry assholes.) The driver who can count the amount of laps he has driven or the first car to cross the finish line after completing approximately 10,000 laps wins the race. This is followed by a victory lap, then a staged victory lane celebration where the victorious driver takes a swig of his sponsor's favorite soft drink amidst a sea of pulsating homoerotic energy emanating from his pit crew. Points are assigned to all participants who finish the race. At the end of the year, the driver who can actually count to his point total (the record for most points is five) is awarded the prestigious
T-Mobile Sprint Cup. The sheer act of remaining conscious during these hours results in a race more determined by mental fortitude than by physical strength.
The official rules of NASCAR racing were laid down by Bill Clinton's successor and daughter, Miley Cyrus. At first she insisted that there be one simple rule: WRECK THE FUCKING SHITTY FUCK out of everybody. However, most people thought it was too dangerous. So here are the five basic rules. For some reason Bill is still working on it, and over 1,000 people have died in races sanctioned under said rules.
- Green flag means go.
- Yellow flag means danger, not caution.
- Red flag means that blood has been drawn.
- Black flag means racist remarks deemed appropriate.
- Blue flag means turn left.
Caution laps are called for debris on the track. Debris on the track typically includes but is not limited to hot dog wrappers, Skoal bandits pouches, corpses, banana peels, and portals to alternate dimensions.
Drivers are prohibited from leaving the car for anything. And we mean anything. If you gotta go to the bathroom well you should have thought about that before getting in the car.
“The cars in NASCAR go really fast.”
Each car needs a window net and advanced aerodynamics, including a spoiler for higher altitudes when the car gets turned and goes airborne (blowover). The driver must wear a polyethylene helmet and polyester suit. Each car is sponsored by multiple sponsors, such as Skittles, Budweiser, Coca-Cola (sponsor of the Coca-Cola 600), Amabell MacLarson & Co., and others. Many consider it cars advertising while driving in a
“I'd like to thank my team, my pit crew, Walmart, Target, 7-11, Viagra, Bank of America, Cintas, Coors Light, Craftsman Tools, Diageo, DIRECTV, DRIVE4COPD, DuPont, Exide, cancer Growth Energy, Gillette, Goodyear, Head & Shoulders, Mars, Mobil 1, Nabisco, Nationwide, Office Depot, Old Spice, O'Reilly's, SIRIUS XM Radio, Sprint, Sunoco, Unilever, UPS, Visa, K & N, Toyota, Pepsi, eBay, FedEx, Sunoco fuel, Satan, Another Castle®, your mom, and SpaceX for helping me get to the front after that long 500 mile race. Can't wait till next weekend, as there's a road course, and it involves a right turn...WHAT!!! OH MY GOD!!! I CANT TURN RIGHT!!!”
The top tier of NASCAR racing is the prestigious Sprint Cup. Here, the cars are max tuned for the Wangan line in Japan. The Sprint Cup is followed by the Nationwide Series for amateurs.The races are about half as long, though considered most exciting by many NASCAR racing fans. Finally, there is the Camping World Truck Series for those who appreciate trucking more than NASCAR.
NASCAR drivers are required (by federal law) to be named "Junior." Last year's Sprint Cup winner was Jacob Johnny Junior Jesus Joe Jeff Jr. III. Runner ups included Kyle Junior, Dale Junior, Bob Junior, Anon Junior, Peter Griffin Junior, and Jerry Springer Jr.
As mentioned above, races last about 10,000 laps or three hours. The first race is the Daytona 500, then follow the Subway 500 (YUM), Las Vegas 400, Bristol 500 and 1,000,000 other frickin races.
“And you make a left turn here and a left turn there and a left turn here and you turn left all around! You do the NASCAR-pokey and you turn yourselves around! That's what it's all about!”
Most of the racetracks are ovals. And yes, all of you fucking haters, there are TWO road courses used in NASCAR!!!
edit Restrictor Plate Tracks
These tracks require a plate over the engine that reduces the power of each car due to them reaching speeds higher than 240 MPH without. Unfortunately, this has garnished a lot of hate, because the cars NEED to be fast in order to have the horrific, fatal crashes most people will pass off as "fuckin' awesome" because they're a bunch of fat stinking drunkards.
edit Daytona International Speedway
Ah, the famed Daytona, which hosts the Daytona 500 and Coke Zero 400 each year.
Oh, boy. Bring on the stupid listings everybody hates.
edit Talladega Superspeedway
Here, the cars go even faster. Did you watch the Camping World RV Sales 500 last year? Last lap, turns 3 and 4? Brilliant. Go watch it. Google it. Scrooge it. Do your mom it. Yahoo it. Do whatever. YouTube it or I'll run you over with the COT model.
The basic tracks.
Blah Atlanta blah California Las Vegas is fricking awesome boring Texas blew New Hampshire blah blah blah Phoenix *raspberry* Hoemstead sign Rockingham (not even in NASCAR anymore!!!) poop Darlington your mom Kansas boo Chicagoland and fuck you uh... Well that's it.
edit Short Tracks
“They're so short, man!”
.533 mile. 500 fucking laps here makes me realize how much I want to kill myself
.526 mile. HOLY SHIT THIS IS THE LONGEST TRACK EVER!!
.75 mile. The race where everyone falls asleep
1 mile. ITS THE MONSTER FUCKING MILE BITCHES
edit Road Courses
YES YOU PEOPLE. RIGHT TURNS. READ THE QUOTE EARLIER IN THIS ARTICLE. ASSHOLES. :)
Wait, what do I say? All I know is that it's in California!!! AAAAAUGH!!!