Mythical Creatures

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Xiuhcoatl
“Fairies are quite tasty with butter and jam. Trolls on the other hand, not so much.”
~ Oscar Wilde on mythical creatures

Mythical creatures are creatures that only exist in fantasy, folklore, mad scientists' labs, and your stoned imagination. Mad scientists are responsible for irresponsible genetic splicing of human genes with animals, thus creating bizarre creatures like mermaids and centaurs. Other bizarre experiments cross one incompatible animal with another. On occasion, some of these creations, like the basilisk, the Loch Ness Monster, or the giant squid, escape from the labs and into the wild, with disastrous results to the ecology. However, this damage to the ecology is balanced out by the boost to the economy from tourist dollars, as tourists love to flock to the vicinity of these escaped creatures, in hopes of seeing and photographing one. Moreover, large corporations make tidy sums of money creating creature-themed merchandise, especially t-shirts, pins, embroidered pillowcases, dolls, action figures, rugs, necklaces, figurines, and the like. The following is a brief list with descriptions of the most common mythical creatures.

Dragons

Dragons breathe fire, and have a taste for princesses and wealth. However, since they are almost always male, the species has nearly died out despite their accumulated hordes of wealth. They live at the bottom of volcanoes, and wake about every 500 years. When they wake up, they sometimes burn things with their yawning. Fortunately, gold is flameproof, which is why dragons use it as their preferred bedding. Unfortunately for villagers, wooden buildings are not quite as flameproof.

Leandricus

A really strange creature that has been seen around the contability department. Its supposed to be a bread between a vampire and a accountant executive. Wary and be careful. It does exist. Leandricus

Unicorns

Unicorns were created by a mad scientist crossing a white horse and a goat. This is why they are often white in color, although occasionally a fluke gene will cause a pink color. The pink ones have the ability to disappear at will. Having been sexually abused and traumatized in the distant past, causing rectal injuries, unicorns will now only allow virgin maidens to approach them.

Centaurs

Half horse, half human, these creatures have an interest in astrology and are expert archers. Using their expertise in archery, they instantly shoot down anyone who is caught ogling their women (who are perpetually topless but extremely beautiful) or trying to ride them. Being a very jealous and protective race, they always carry bow and arrows with them. This explains why so few people can ever claim to have seen a centaur and lived to tell about it.

Mermaids

Half-fish, half human, the female of this species is known to have an unearthly beautiful voice. The males, on the other hand, have voices that sound like nails on chalkboard. They are known to destroy entire ships with the waterpool effect that is created when the males and females sing together; the singing simultaneously attracting and repelling the very water the doomed ship is sailing upon.

Basilisks

These have the reputation of turning the poor sod who looks directly at them, to stone. However, this has no effect if one is already stoned.

Gnomes

Known to pose as lawn ornaments. Rather woody in flavor.

Giraffes

Also known as camel-leopard, some obscure mad scientist deliberately released this creation into the wild. Like camels, they are fond of vegetation, but they retain the spots of leopards.

Fairies

Fairies were created by splicing human genes with hummingbird genes and butterfly genes. This is why they are so elusive. Different colors of fairies have different properties: they come in green, red, and blue. Although they are delicious, eating them may affect your ability to drive, use heavy equipment, or perform in public.

Rhinoceros

This is a classic example of an escaped experiment getting loose and proliferating in the wilds. A unicorn was crossed with a hippo to create this bizarre mythical creature. Commonly seen in Africa, and in zoos.

Dinosaurs

Yet another example of an experiment let loose. However, since these were so dangerous, they were quickly rounded up by the U.S. government and moved to Area 51. Occasionally, the government will plant fossils deeply into the ground in order to spread the rumor that they have gone extinct, and have been extinct for many millennium. What the government will never tell you is that fully a quarter of their defense budget goes into feeding these monsters (they have huge appetites) in the event that they should be needed as last resort for a future war effort. Dinosaurs are immune to radiation, and turn purple when exposed to it.

Orcs

Not to be confused with the ORCA whale, orcs are in fact, as ugly as they are reputed to be. This is why they kidnap and swap human babies for their own, in an effort to bring beauty to their race. Orcs are the result of breeding between Green witches(see below) and Trolls.

Griffins

Griffins are creatures with the head of an eagle, body of a lion, and wings. A lion and an eagle were forced to make out in an attempt to create a powerful mammal-bird hybrid. Griffins are known to live in mountainous regions and prey on wild asses. Perhaps the most famous griffin is Peter Griffin.

Trolls

Reputed to be ugly and stupid, they are actually nerdy and just intelligent enough to post to internet forums, Wikipedia, 4chan, and Uncyclopedia. You may even be in a dialog with them and not know it. Trolls feast off others misfortune, but since misfortune is increasingly rare and scarce, they will settle for annoyance. They are especially fond of n00bs.

Fire Salamanders

Fire salamanders are usually red, orange or yellow, but rarely green. They prefer extremely hot climates, and are quite comfortable within the flames of fireplace or bonfire. Sharing many of the properties of fire, water is harmful to fire salamanders. Salamanders are known to be spicy hot, and tasty with clams.

Green Witches (Hags)

These were created by crossing rare green fire salamanders with human genes. They have green skin, warts, and an extreme aversion and allergy to water. They are known to live in candy houses, sell poisoned apples, and feast occasionally on children. They are extremely jealous of fair maidens, since their own natural looks are wanting due to their genes. When burnt at the stake, their human form is burnt away, and they change into fire salamanders.

Dryads

Also known as tree nymphs, dryads are so attached to trees that they have been known to literally tie themselves to their trees and proclaim loudly that if the tree dies, so will they. They are known to be fond of tye-dye shirts, hemp, and the color green in general. See also Tree Huggers.

Minotaurs

Minotaurs are the result of an experiment in mixing human genes with that of a bull. They are fond of puzzles of all kinds, especially mazes. However, due to their temperament, which is a bull-like stubbornness and fierce, quick temper, they are usually solitary. Never challenge a Minotaur to a game of chess, because if you do, you will either lose or be gored.

Vampires

Vampires were created by crossing human genetics with those of a vampire bat. Earlier attempts to cross human genes with fruit bats were unsuccessful. Like their ancestral vampire bat, vampires enjoy blood, and have an occasional taste for auras. However, they dislike Garlic since it gives them bad breath. They also have an aversion to crosses since the accident with a cross-shaped branding iron. Recently, a rare freak mutation was discovered where a vampire has sparkly skin. This is believed to be the result of an albino becoming a vampire. The affected vampire is usually shunned by others of his own kind for fear that the condition may be contagious.


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