Myst IV: Revelation

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“"No! I am Sirrus, and I WILL NOT BE DEFEATED!"”
~ Some screaming jerk upon learning of Myst IV's release

edit Plot

The game unfolds as you sit in a golden Flying Car, next to some random girl you don't know. For some reason, she summoned you to the car to tell you to take a picture. she won't let you advance until you take the picture, and the game forces you to take the picture after she starts screaming at you (out of annoyance at the girl). After she parks the flying car and runs through a door, which eats her, you are forced to follow her, to find Atrus' laboratory. There are a few interesting things to do, such as torture a frog from Riven, which Atrus has forced into dancing the macarena to his amusement. It also includes an overcomplicated machine that is entirely useless to the plot of the game.

In a little bit, Atrus comes up and scolds you for playing with his frog. Only then does he realise how strange and psychopathic that seems, and changes the subject. He tells you that his sons, who burned his house in Myst, aren't really dead. They're trapped, like all the villains in this series are. He then forces you to align two radio frequencies so he can see if his sons have finally been driven mad or not. After finding that the two frequencies caused the overcomplicated machine to asplode, leaving him with nine fingers on his right hand, and seven eyeballs on the left side of his third leg (don't ask. please.). Then the horribly disfigured Atrus reports he needs to go to another age for some reason, and he takes his wife for some reason, too. He then leaves you alone with the annoying girl from the golden car.

(In the Druggie Achenar easter egg, you can only at this moment sell the golden car to The ShamWow guy, who lost his job and started working for EBay prior to the game. He will then give you a key to the Reeleeshahn book, which turned out to be Achenar's crystal meth lab. This turns out to be a preview to a sequel to the game, Myst VI: Director's Cut.)

After licking poisonous newts with the crazy girl and playing with LEDs (she continues to ruin the power system by clogging it with mascara acquired from the ShamWow Guy), she will be kidnapped by the crazy psychopathic brothers. If you go to the trouble to go back to the overcomplicated machine and tuning in to Atrus, he will tell you that he is trapped on Dunny again because his hideous looks caused his linking book to rot upon reaching Dunny. He will then tell you something about homework and breaks up because the player faints from looking at him too long.

edit Then, just as you thought it was getting boring

...the player blows up the age of Spire (forgetting about all the useless clues you find there), finds the shrine to Chuck Norris in Haven, moving the chocolate self-portrait out of the way, to reveal a flamethrower, which he then proceeded to torch Haven with because he was getting bored. He then roasted the corpses of ten Nazi Zombies in the giant ship, BBQing them to lure the gigantic creature that has no name, which you must hop in the mouth of to gain entrance to the age of Giant Garden Age Without a Creative Name. The player then traps the crazy girl in an electric chair, which is activated by falling asleep. The player and Druggie Achenar then plast away using jet-packs stolen from James Bond, who was patrolling for people he could beat up between movies. They both then crash into a Boeing 747 that was bringing the first wave of tourists to GGAWACN age, inadvertantly saving the planet from a stream of Fat Americans wearing Hawaiian Seizure T-Shirts.

  Atrus is trapped on Dunny for getting stuck there for the seventh or so time. He is stuck next to the Giant Sacred Toilet with the Guy from Metal Gear Solid taking a dump, who is, in fact, taking a dump.

edit SPIRE

Known to haters as "big rock age", Spire is... a big rock. Somehow Sirrus managed to make an electrical system from crystals he stole from Achenar and some sap from plant specimen 84B (there are a LOT of different plants in these games) and uses them to become a flower murderer. He also made a terrible hot air balloon, held in place by magnets. In fact, if you hold the purple crystal for thirty-seven seconds EXACTLY, touch the black rock for 3/54376 of a second, bite the nail, and pick up a certain weed found in Atrus' journal on page 18, paragraph 19, line 2354, word 23653 (he writes REALLY SMALL), then the next time you try to use it, it will knock one of the magnets off the chain, and they will fall to the surface of the planet (which appears to be radioactive... oh dear...), and be killed instantly. If you actually want to finish this age before you die, rot, and are reanimated by Satan, you will have to drive yourself insane, and just let your insane self fool around with some knobs and switches and completely useless pieces of paper for about a straight week.

edit HAVEN

Well it's a haven. It's basically an island filled with homocidal monkeys, Nazi zombies, and naturally-occurring drugs apparently loved by achenar to keep his habit alive. Oh, yeah. Achenar lives here. He came here via rotting book at the bottom of a lake. After nearly drowning, he jabbed a random sea monster in the eye. Then he went to live in a crashed pirate ship, murdering Jack Sparrow in the process and making some fangirls....... VERY unhappy with him. After that he started gassing out monkeys so he could eat their brains. After eating his first monkey, Nazi zombies were attracted to the open brains and swam (like freaking Michael Phelps I may add) to it, where Achenar made them asplode with The Force. He then became devoted to Chuck Norris Worship, and smoked even more, causing a fire in his nose, causing a Nasal Explosion, which entirely coincidentally blew up the visiting chamber (lazy bastard). I would also take notice of it being in the Bermuda Triangle. That's why everything in the Bermuda Triangle disappears: Achenar EATS it all!!! (when he's not trying to keep his drug habit alive).

edit SERENIA

Originally a giant miniature golf course, Serenia has been taken over by priestesses that worship Diglett. It is possible to screw with the waterways to flood the golf course, but you are not supposed to do that because that clogs Atrus's toilet in Dunny, causing him to arrive at Serenia in anger, effectively ruining all of Achenar's hopes and dreams. The priestesses will examine you, and determine if you dissolve in water, are allergic to pollen, or are highly flammable. After choosing the appropriate element (water, pollen, or fire), they will force you to huff it, thus transcending you into a higher state of consciousness. You must solve the magical double rainbow puzzle or you will be trapped in hammerspace forever. Solving the puzzle teleports you into Achenar's crystal meth lab. In a tense moment, Achenar and the annoying girl debate who is the horniest. The girl, of course, is much more attractive than Achenar, but Achenar claims that the girl is actually Sirrus in disguise. They demand that you settle the issue, or the girl will shoot you in the face with a crossbow. If you choose Achenar, she shoots you. If you choose her, Achenar throws her in a chair and throws a random lever out of anger, not knowing that he threw the lever of death. She dies instantly. Then, you kill Achenar for killing her. When you return to Atrus, you find out that Achenar was right, Sirrus WAS disguised as the girl, somehow. Weird. He congratulates you for disposing of his sons once and for all.

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