From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
“If I had been a woman, I would have wanted to be Mylène Farmer.”
Mylène Gautier, better known as Mylène Farmer, is a French singer, actress and occasional cross-dresser born in 1961 in Canada. She is mainly known for being Alizée's mother, but she's also one of the best selling recording artists of all time in France during her free time.
edit The beginning of her career
In 1984, she met a guy whose name was Laurent Boutonnat (Lawrence the Button in English). She gave birth to their daughter Alizée not long after. For an unknown reason, they didn't care much about her, decided to give her to a Corsican family named the Jacoteys, and eventually completely forgot that she ever existed. Mylène then started recording the music Laurent had written for her. She chose to name herself Farmer because it was the first word that came to her when she saw him.
Her first songs didn't get much attention. Laurent, who was angered by this, decided to create a character that he named Libertine (meaning "Brave Knight" in French). Thus, Mylène dyed her hair red and starting dressing like men from the 18th Century. This was so silly and old-fashioned that the song about Libertine's biography became a hit. Since people seemed to like this character, she continued playing it in songs and videos such as "Sans contrefaçon" (meaning "I'm a boy"), or "Pourvu qu'elles soient douces" ("Let's hope I'm a good knight"). She released two albums: Cendres de Lune ("Ashes of the Moon", an album about astronomy) and Ainsi Soit Je… ("Amen I", an album about Egocentrism). She then started her first tour. Instead of performing on stage, she sang in cemeteries. It is reported that many people saw real ghosts during these concerts, but nobody could ever confirm it. She then released her third album, L'Autre… ("The Other"), which is about her fascination either for Oscar Wilde or for crows. It isn't clear.
edit Libertine's death
One day, Mylène got tired of playing the Libertine character and decided to simply show her true self. It caused the loss of many of her fans, but she gained so many more that she didn't care. She started worshiping the United States, which led her to write the album Anamorphosée ("California", an album about America, drugs, sex, losing one's mind and going to jail). After a Tour 96 in which she showed her in underwear, she went on a trip through Russia for three years, which was the main inspiration for Innamoramento ("Master Buddha", an album about mythology and religion). This album was followed by a Mylenium Tour that recreated Ancient Egypt.
In her hotel in Moscow, Mylène was watching the French TV. She was looking for her favourite channel when she saw a stupid music show. Although she couldn't stand this shitty show, she watched the whole performance of the singer who was on the scree: Alizée. She then turned off the TV and took the first plane to go to Paris and kidnapped the poor 16-year-old to force her to record two albums that she had written with Laurent Boutonnat, Gourmandises ("Sweets", an album about healthy food) and Mes Courants Électriques… ("My Electric Currents…", an album about electricity), and to perform them on tour. It could have continued, but an idiot told her the whole story about her origins. Alizée decided that she wouldn't have anything to do with Mylène and Laurent anymore. She then continued singing, and made other albums without them.
edit After Alizée
Alizée's departure caused much depression to Mylène, which she used to write her saddest and calmest album: Avant que l'ombre… ("In the shadow of death…", an album about suicide, death, sadness, melancholia and suicide). People saw it as Libertine's resurrection as a woman. However, Mylène never understood what they meant with this statement. She proposed thirteen concerts in the same place, Bercy, because any other place in the Universe was too small for the show, under the very ambiguous name "Avant que l'ombre… à Bercy". She then released another album, Point de Suture ("Nutshell", an album about dead dolls and medicine) and went on her Tour 2009. However, the theme was "old stuff" : no song made after 1999 was allowed in the setlist..
edit Extramarital music
In 2010, Mylène released her album Bleu Noir ("Looking Glass", an album about The Picture of Dorian Gray), which for the first time wasn't composed by Laurent. This is caused by Mylène being bored of her husband and having found many lovers who gave her compositions as a gift. They include RedOne, Moby, and Archive member Darius Killer. Laurent then whipped her 666 times for betraying their musical fidelity.
Mylène understood she had crossed the line and apologised by making a new album with Laurent, Monkey Me ("no translation needed", an album about albino monkeys), and imagined a new tour with him, Timeless 2013, which is about sex with robots (also known as "robofetishism").
edit Mylène now
- Mylène sleeps in a coffin and doesn't seem to age in any way, which leads people to believe she is a vampire.
- She stated several times that her favourite meal was alive spiders with bat blood. This caused a lot of Greenpeace activists to ask for her death for cruelty against animals. However, after she gave 666 million euros to the association, the complains stopped and nobody ever talked about that again.
- In one of her videos, Mylène is shown as a Russian princess. Many people then believed that she actually was part of the Romanovs. For now, there is no proof, but [CENSORED BY THE GREAT
- Mylène has explained in her song "Sans logique" ("Without logic") that she suffers from schizophrenia, which can explain her frequent and sudden changes, and why she exploited Alizée the way she did.
edit See also
- ↑ Yes, I know it doesn't sound very Corsican, but it's not my fault.
- ↑ Indeed, Nobody died in a plane accident before he could tell the truth about this story. We may never know what really happened. :(
- ↑ Rumours say that she cried continuously for three years after she learnt about her origins, which could explain the long gap between Mes Courants Électriques… and its follower Psychédélices.
- ↑ Actually, Mylène hated her new songs so much that she didn't want to perform them live.
- ↑ He was Lady GaGa's husband at the time, and this affair caused her much sorrow. It can be heard in her song "Alejandro" (which is RedOne's first forename) or "Judas" (which is his second forename).
- ↑ Or maybe Keeler. I'm not too sure, actually.
- ↑ Laurent doesn't mind being cheated on by Mylène, but he gets simply furious when she wants to work with other people than him. However, he has the right with other people and Mylène mustn't say anything. Laurent has a wonderful logic.