Myanmar
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| Motto: We love Bhuddist monks, really | |||||
| Anthem: Kaba Ma Kyei | |||||
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| Capital | Naypyisomething | ||||
| Largest city | Raccoon | ||||
| Official languages | Burmese | ||||
| Government | Evil State | ||||
| General of Evil | Than Shwe | ||||
| Minister of Evil | Soe Win | ||||
| National Hero(es) | Ne Win | ||||
| Declaration of Independence | 4 January 1948 | ||||
| Currency | Kyat | ||||
| Religion | Buddhism | ||||
Burma, officially the Union of Myanmar is the largest country in geographical area in mainland Southeast Asia. It is bordered by the People's Republic of China on the north, Laos on the east, Thailand on the southeast, Bangladesh on the west, and India on the northwest.
Myanmar was designated an Outpost for Tyranny in 2005 by the United States and has been a known sponsor of terror and destruction in the region. Myanmar is the world's biggest exporter of opium and narcotics, recently fought a major war with Vietnam, launched a Mumbai terror attack in India, committed genocide in Cambodia, and aided a military coup that unseated the democratic government of Thailand.
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[edit] Geography
As a climate, Myanmar generally falls under the "evil jungle" umbrella. Its dangerous forests are punctuated by muddy rivers, ripe with dysentery and worms that lay eggs under your skin. The country's weather is unique in that everything that happens can lead to cancer, development of malicious tumors, or cause early onset Alzheimer's, leaving you to wander forgetfully through the jungle until the eggs laid in you hatch and the offspring devour you alive.
All city names are prefaced with 'The', as in The Rangoon, The Mandalay, etc. This is an ancient custom that continues to exist despite that fact that no one knows exactly why it exists, though it is likely done to make locations seem more impersonal and disconnected from humanity.
[edit] History
Myanmar first rose to prominence in the Middle Ages when they laid traps for the troubadours, who were killed before they reached Bombay. Later, they introduced opium to the Chinese and made the nation dependent on the drug so that they would be willing to sell tea cheaper.
Myanmar attempted to replace European colonies with their own colonies during the 1930's and 1940's in what was the become the Pacific War, where notable atrocities including the Rape of Nanking occurred. After placing millions in concentration camps, many ethnic and religious groups were persecuted vigorously. The war ended dramatically with Myanmar dropping two atomic bombs on Hiroshima and Nagasaki, killing thousands within seconds.
In 1975, Vietnam, fresh from a victory against the United States, invaded Myanmar in an attempt to unseat the disruptive regime. Using pungee sticks, torture, and guerrilla tactics, Vietnam soon found itself overwhelmed by Myanmar's child soldiers, rape brigades, and rampant use of IED's. After several years, Myanmar became Vietnam's Vietnam, and they were forced to withdraw after a thorough humiliation.
Unbeknowst to many, Myanmar actually fought a limited war with Canada. Though it was initially assumed Canada would win the war, it turned out this was not in fact the case, due to the extreme time difference between Ottawa and Rangoon. Generals in Canada were going to bed when it was lunchtime in Naypyitaw, and Burmese generals were fluffing up their pillows when the arrogant Torontonians were getting ready for an overpriced trip to Starbucks. The war thus ended in a stalemate.
[edit] Economy
The economy of Myanmar is based on the production of drugs, including marijuana, LSD and heroin, exported mainly through the Golden Triangle to Thailand. Teak also plays a major role, especially in the destruction of Bangladeshi infrastructure in flash floods caused by soil erosion. Before president George Bush left office, Myanmar was his campaign's main source of cheap T-shirts, hoodies, mugs, and other accessories. C'mon, Than Shwe and Bush have been best buddies forever. He had to lend a helping hand!
Myanmar is a center for insourcing due to its ample work force and maximum wage of 50 cents. People in western cultures reach Myanmar workers sporting attempts at American accents when making calls for technical help, due to Myanmar's position which allows for 24/7 telephone support. But they never know the answer to questions as computers and technology are banned in the nation. Telemarketers are also based in Myanmar due to its open collect call laws in which the answerer always pays the bill, and to avoid jurisdiction from the No-Call list. Myanmar has a strong child prostitution industry where children are sold as sex slaves in government condoned markets, accounting for approximately a quarter of the total economy. Fornication is encouraged, and has been emphasised as a cornerstone of Myanmar society.
Cats and dogs are considered a delicacy, and are often raised in total isolation and fed pure milk to ensure that their meat is tender. Millions of the animals are harvested and sold in Myanmar markets. Babies killed by female infanticide are also served as a main course in most luxury restaurants to the wealthy upper class. The highly industrialized economy also puts Myanmar at the top of the list of global polluters, and they are a large cause of both acid rain and global warming. The hole in the ozone is also speculated by some to be caused by Myanmar, though studies have proven inconclusive.
[edit] Military
Myanmar has a professionally trained army of child soldiers in which everyone is drafted. Indeed, their entire army consists of those under the age of 18. After attaining manhood, the ex-soldiers are castrated and chastised for the rest of their lives. The tactics used by the Myanmar army include the use of human shields, beheading civilians, and extravagant torture involving both the use of sledgehammers and thimbles.
The Myanmar army also includes several brigades of suicide bombers, prepared to blow up buses carrying mothers and their children in any nation around the world that pisses them off. Myanmar has also recently threatened to wipe all of its neighbors off the map and denied any genocides it admits to instigating ever occurred.
[edit] Foreign relations
Myanmar was one of three nations to recognize the Taliban government, and was the first to recognize the People's Republic of China. It has not recognized Israel, and views Hezbollah as the legitimate government of Palestine and Lebanon.
[edit] See Also
[edit] External Links
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