My Morning Jacket
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
My Morning Jacket or My Morning Wood or N Sync is an American folk group operating out of Nebraska. It was formed by Jim James and Kirk Hammet in their basement. They had a slew of succesful singles such as "Holdin onto Death Metal", "Drugs", "Touch Me and I'll Scream, I Mean it Mister! Pt. 1", "One Big Vacation" and "Drugs". The band now conists of Bob Dylan, Win Butler, 50 additional members hired by Win Butler, Cate Blanchett, 2nd founding member Kirk Hammet and Marcus Mumford who took over lead vocals and hurdy gurdy from founding member Jim James.
edit Early Years
My Morning Jacket were formed when local Louisville, Kentucky slacker Jim James and Pentatonic scale expert Kirk Hammet decided to form a band in their basement. Together with cultural icon Elvis Costello, Depressed and Schizophrenic folk raver Marcus Mumford and two really talented musicians whom no one cares for, they formed My Morning Jacket. They played in local Louisville clubs, smoked up all the Marijuana in Kentucky, recorded two EP's, broke several guitars and worshipped Van Morrison in their spare time.
In the spring of 1992 they were picked up by Jeff Tweedy, owner of Motown records and a devout follower of Johnny Cash, the Olympian God of wheat picking. Jeff was their peyote guru and sometimes producer (when he wasn't busy giving Johnny Greenwood grooming techniques) through the first few years of the band, helping them formulate the calculations needed to build a Hadron Collider. After this success Tweedy left the group and sailed over to Britain to start the trippy acid band Radiohead. His departure also coincided with the arrival of Canadian hipster Win Butler, who convinced Jim to hire an additional 50 members. With this new development in the band Jim further realized Kentucky wasn't big enough to hold this much raw musical power, and after several days of negotiating with Kirk, the band picked up and moved to Californa.
All they could see in Californa was sunshine and happy people so Jim and co. went to Nebraska instead.
edit Nebraska and the Fall of Van Morrison
They started worshipping and praying to their god, Van Morrison more frequently. In turn, Van gifted them with several new ideas for albums. However, the Egyptian god of fertility and horse throat singing Bob Dylan grew jealous of Van, and plotted to steal Van's place in the Holy Trinity of Inaudible Singing, of which Van was first, Anglo-Saxon street hustler Thom Yorke was second and Bob was third.
As My Morning Jacket's fame grew and grew, so did Bob's jealousy. He first quietly instructed his mortal form on how and when to destory his reputation, and then on how to kill Van Morrison. Bob convinced everyone that Van was an actual van, then he put rohypnol in his whisky during a night out on the strip. On the same date that the vehicle version of Van was discoverd dead (30th April, 1995) Bob buried the real human version of Van, alive. Jim and his cohorts prayed to Van the next day, but got no answer. Confused, they prayed to Leonard Cohen, who instructed them to look outside. They did so and low and behold, Bob Dylan walked through the dank and dreary Nebraskan clouds and down to the earth.
The band were amazed, and accepted him as their new god. Thus began the beginning of the end of the beginning of the third era, prophesised in a lost portion of the holy sacred Lord of the Flies scrolls. Bob led them to new heights of super stardom, they won three Golden Globes and an Oscar, stayed Number 1 on the Billboard charts for 3,000 consecutive years and kicked all of the members of Coldplay in the balls multiple times.
edit The Spilt into The New Basement Taps
During a Summer 2005 tour around Arizona (Jeff Tweedy requested that they collect some peyote for him. Peyote was on the rise of becoming a much used musical instrument in Great Britain and Radiohead liked to follow trends) Bob Dylan and Jim James had a deep and meaningful conversation about the state of the band. They decided that Jim, the two talented musicians whom no one cared for and Elvis Costello, who by now was going around as his alter ego Elvis Presley, would leave My Morning Jacket and start a new band. It would be called The New Basement Taps. The idea came to Bob while he was recording music in his basement while a tap dripped Beethovens Ninth Symphony during the French Revolution. The whole fight for democracy thing + Beethoven gave him the musical equialent of an STD which in turn inspiried albums upon albums worth of sexually transmitted music. While Jim and co. went off into the Arizonian desert looking for energy to record new material as well as peyote, My Morning Jacket filled in the missing spots with Bob Dylan's daughter and famed Hermaphrodite Cate Blanchett. Even though like four really talented people left the band it was ok since they had an extra 50 musicians whom were bought in by Win Butler years previously. Seven and quarter half months later in 2006 when Napoleon began his march across Russia, Jim, Elvis, random musician #1 and random musician #2 came back from the Arizonian desert and started recording. The subsequent album was called The New Basement Taps, a throughly creative album title if I must say so myself. Released on Febuary 14th 2007, it became another New York Times bestseller, broke several world records in pole vaulting and 440 meter freestyle swimming, respectively. Jesus Christ, Jim James's ancestor and Feng Shui master said the album, "Provides a fresh perspective on the whole revolution fueled folk music thing. Just like My Morning Jacket band member Bob Dylans choreography work in the 60's, The New Basement Taps The New Basement Taps bought back those long forgotten feelings of the willies." Lou Reed, celebrated artist and world famous Asshole said of the album: "Jim and co. pulled off a brilliantly orchestrated album, with plenty of out of tune guitars and top notch tap dancing. Also, viva la revolution!". He died three minutes after issuing this statement.
edit The New Basement Taps Relocation to Space
With Bob Dylan as the King of Kings, surrounded by his twelve folky disciples and Jim James as his protege, things were looking up for My Morning Jacket and The New Basement Taps. They were looking up so much, that Jim decided to move to space. Or more precisely, Titan, a moon orbiting around the Kate Bush quadrant. With Bob Dylans blessing and the support of the Harlem Globetrotters, The New Basement Taps settled on Titan. There they experimented with the Space-time continuum and collaborated with Roger Waters who was orbiting above David Bowies planet which was right next to Titan. They released their next album, Jesus Hippie Stripper Moon Spacebusters from Mars Vol. IIVIIIVVIII and a sequel to 2001: A Space Odys.... The album and movie sequel proved so populer that it became a Thing. Eventually every folk-ish band on Earth were relocating to other planets and recording Fucked up albums. Even trippy acid band Radiohead (who liked to follow trends) with their producer Jeff Tweedy moved to Venus. The New Basement Taps continue to enjoy a peyote and space fueled life on Titan. They are currantly working on a collaboration with The Rolling Stones singer Paul McCartney to make an album composed of Antimatter in the theme of populer Existentialist film The Big Lebowski.
edit Present Time
My Morning Jacket have continued to sell millions of albums all throughout the galaxy. They are right now on a tour around Mercury, playing to the illegitimate children of Lady Gaga. Their next album will be titled Sheezuz, it'll have a more Hip hop influence and they will collaborate with God on the song Get Circumsized or Go to Hell. They still pray to Bob Dylan every day.