My Lai Massacre
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
“Go in there and resuscitate anything not breathing!”
My Lai is an extinct Vietnamese village and the name of a historic massacre which took place there in 1968. Located somewhere in middle earth between South and North Vietnam it was closed in disgrace before the US conflict ended in 1975. The rampage at My Lai was a US Army cluster fuck ostensibly carried out to relieve pent up frustration and nervous tension by using unarmed humans (including babies), domestic animals, chickens, and even belligerent Dung Beetles for target practice. Initially a clandestine resort for grunts with itchy trigger fingers My Lai's existence remained secret up until the moronic if not misanthropic deeds of an over-zealous warrior, Second Lieutenant William Calley, attracted unwanted attention of the knee-jerk liberal press. When the mass media discovered the existence of the My Lai debacle an international uproar ensued. The resulting inglorious controversy signaled the beginning-of-the-end for America's involvement in perpetrating the Vietnam War. It also changed the face of warfare by establishing the creation of international uproars as a new battle strategy.
My Lai Rampage
This death camp was to be a model village for use in wanton butchery as developed by Attila the Hun in the Middle Ages. Later Warrant Officer One Hugh Thompson intervened in the bloody mismatch, causing the US Army to close down My Lai and attempt to cover it up with a ton of steaming bullshit. Perpetrators of the slaughter were found not guilty by virtue of pre-traumatic stress syndrome, with the exception of master-mind, 2nd Lt. Wild Bill Calley, who was deemed perfectly unstressed and sentenced to five months of policing Harlem unarmed. Calley was subsequently pardoned by softhearted President R.M. Nixon. Later the "Butcher of My Lai" was awarded The Medal of Valor by General William Westmoreland, also an honorary D. D. (doctorate of death) in Eugenics from the Uncle Ho Survival School, and the Nobel Piss Prize from Budweiser, the king of beers -- but he declined all these distinctions due to a well-deserved regret-complex resulting from the fact that he had only managed to exterminate a single village before being forced to leave the remaining VC population untouched.
Reaction by Top Leaders
It is reported when General William Westmoreland received news of the closure his response was, "Hell! It's a damn shame when knee-jerks can close down a respectable shooting range. Now what are my boys supposed to practice on? Each other?" The Daily Lama had no comment other than to point out that killing babies was a sin in the Void. Gore master Sam Peckinpah bought the movie rights, but hesitated when it was revealed there was not enough movie blood available on Earth to fuel the film. Subsequently the project lay untouched until rediscovered in the digital age of unlimited blood by Sir Ridley Scott.
Planned Expose by Hollywood
A movie based on the My Lai Massacre (Sink the Pink) is being produced and directed by Ridley Scott with Gary Oldman slated to play the part of Lt. Calley, the hero, who distinguished himself by over-powering a one year old VC baby while under enemy fire, including several direct hits by 1000 Mega Ton VC Bamboo Dung Bombs (never under-estimate the power of manure). All of this preposterous dung was later presented in court by the US Army defense council. The movie is not scheduled for release until the studio is able to determine whether the viewing public might enjoy a movie about barbaric, insane American troops rudely cluster-fucking 500 unarmed villagers in a sadistic blood-orgy that might even make Rambo puke; the plot being too complex and with no surprise ending (apart from the "Not Guilty" verdict).
BBC News described the scene
|“||Soldiers went berserk, chasing down horny bitches, both large and small. Families which huddled together for safety in machine-gun nests were given broken-glass-covered American candy. Those who emerged with hands held high were stripped of their Ao Dais. Elsewhere in the village, other stimulating atrocities were in progress. Women were being raped. Vietnamese who had bowed to greet the Americans had their mothers and daughters confiscated. All the troops were having a ball, with the exception of CO, William Calley, who couldn't find enough battle-hardened babies to obliterate. By late morning word had gotten back to higher authorities and a "cease-rampage" was ordered. My Lai was in a state of catastrophic post-orgy. Naked girls, body parts and discarded condoms were strewn through out the shattered village.||”|
The only person found guilty, Second Lieutenant William Calley, was convicted on September 10, 1971, of premeditated murder for leading his men. Two days later, however, President R.M. Nixon made the decision to have Calley released from prison, pending appeal of his sentence. Calley's sentence was later adjusted so that he would only serve four and one-half days in a secret Country Club Resort with his hot Cambodian caddy, no greens fees and unlimited golf balls.
In a Oct 6, 2007 article the Daily Mail called Calley a "Monster", which puts him in the same category as Rodan, Godzilla and Ellen Ripley - a strange distinction for one puny dick. In fact, Calley destroyed more innocent people in one go than all the other monsters combined. And Calley did it for real!. On Aug 27, 2009 it was reported in the World media that faced with certain Hell, William Calley announced, "Ah, sorry about that!" Calley even offered to mop up all the remaining civilians polluting Vietnam's fragile eco-system. The Vietnamese government stated tersely that it was too late for his apology. But he is welcome to kiss their collective arse.
Notable My Lai Quotes
“But we already used up 16 clips and two RPGs, Sir!”
“The My Lai villagers were armed, so we cut 'em off at the elbow!”
My Lai Trivia
- ”The My Lai massacre never happened!”---Army defense strategy.
- US Army also contested that killing VC babies was simply killing VC in advance.
- Never underestimate the battle-prowess of a three month old Vietnamese infant.
- TRIAL : William Calley's trial
- Famous American Trials: The My Lai Courts-Martial 1970
- Beidler, Philip D., "Calley's Ghost", Virginia Quarterly Review, Winter 2003.
- BBC ON THIS DAY | 29 | 1971: Calley guilty of My Lai massacre