MySpace
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“I LOVE IT!!!”
~ rapist on MySpace
“Lets go to myspace so i can google your yahoo”
~ quagmire on MySpace
“MySpace is a place for little girls.”
~ The Ultimate Warrior on MySpace
“letz meet in the park at nite when our parentz r sleeping”
~ "hot girl" asking
13 year old boy out.
“MySpace is a place where we guarantee you'll get raped.”
~ Tom on MySpace
MySpace is a shitty, waste of a life, badly built social networking website offering an interactive, user-submitted network of nerds and nerdstar wannabes personal profiles of ugly skanks trying to find an escape out of their cafeteria lunch-lady jobs, incoherent blogs that assume someone actually gives a shit, groups of nerds who flock together to escape the fact that they don't have a single friend in real lifefriends, photos of nasty bitches trying to look decent by photoshopping in the hopes someone will notice them, and crappy music and videos from bands that no one over the age of 12 with an IQ of more than 40 would give a flying fuck about.
Contents |
[edit] How to Make a MySpace Profile
- Sprinkle gigantic pictures all over your page so it cannot even viewed properly even in the largest screen resolution on a standard computer screen.
- Make a list of
nerds"friends" who sit behind a computer shooting their glob at under age MySpace girls and pretend to like them so they will post more pictures to satisfy their paedophilic ends. - Make sure several epileptic fits are caused by your flashing background/name.
- Add the loudest, most annoying song you can imagine (making carefully sure its at its highest volume level) and four or five videos (maybe more), then ensure that they're all simultaneously launched just as the page fully loads and displays its incoherent, babbling mass of text - so poorly written and of so little interest that it's sure to cause anyone viewing it to attempt suicide.
- Make sure the corner of your profile advertises whatever you used to make your profile so groovy. It is illegal on MySpace to write your own code, as code generators are smaller companies owned by MySpace so they find it mandatory to advertise themselves on their own website.
- Make your background orange and type in a slightly different shade of orange.
- Type in Size 5 Comic Sans MS all the time without ever closing the tag.
- Misspell the word 'gay' as 'ghey', and tLk LyK a RtRd.
- Take a picture of your emo self shot at an impossible-to-duplicate angle with hair over your face.
- Don't follow no grammer rules why bcuz grammur is ghey!!!
- Comment someone's picture back if they comment yours even if you don't think they look 'sOoOoOo hawt'.
- Add messages on friends' pages every 10 minutes, then the next day ask them if "you got my message on MySpace" when you could have just as easily picked up your cell phone and called and/or texted them to ask your pointless questions.
- Post at least
1000over 9000 pointless comments a day such as 'sup', 'nm, urself?', 'wbu?' and 'ily mwaaa xx' even though Messenger can as easily be accessed. - Add every profile you see, trying to be the most "popular" person on MySpace.
- List every single band and song you know under the music section.
- Put a picture of Lil' Wayne in your "Who I'd like to meet:" section, even if his music don't make sense, ya' diq?
- Call everything that requires more than an IQ of 7 "TEH GEYZORZ!!1!!!1". Make that Caps Lock button your friend.
- H4t3rsz m4k3 y0u f4m0us.
- add random whores or sluts and put them on your top 8 friends, in order to impress your peers that you actually have a friendship with them.
- Make deep thought-provoking headline offset specialness typing "you" "u" "your" "ur". Also, make sure you misspell minimum half words in. For example: "if ther is someone in ur life that u love and u can't be togeather and if they are worth it then u should def. hold on 2 them!!" Also dont forget to add a bunch of "~" or replace o's with zero's instead. ex:LIEK 0MG L000LZZEERZS!!!!11!!!1!!111ONEONE
- Babysit a 5 year old, document his actions and ask probing personal question; post this as your profile.
- Post all sorts of stupidly-titled Bulletins that include chain mail, surveys, and other shit nobody really cares about.
- Make sure when discussing a topic to overuse the word "like" but spell it "leik"."heees Liek SoOoOOoo tottaly haawtz"
- Make sure to give out your real age to ANYONE who askes for it just because you think hes "hawt"
- Add User:Bernard
- Have conversations in comment boxes so that your entire comment wall is by only one person because they are too lazy to open up MSN Messenger
- Add a load of totally shitty, I mean pointless myspace apps and invite (and seriously annoy) all your friends aka people you'll never really know, to add the app.
NOTE: Myspace may drive you insane. If you are suffering from post traumatic stress disorder from myspace, alternatively create an account at "therapistfinder.com" for friends or just someone to talk to who has the same interests as you (wink wink)
[edit] Rules of MySpace
- Pictures — If you're ugly (that's possibly why you're on MySpace in the first place) your comments along the lines of omg so FIT! ILY!, sex-ay biatch and top model pose xox don't fool anyone; people are pretty used to that kind of thing by now: if, for example, a person has a case of the Elephant Man's disease, then they would probably label themselves as "rugged". It's a bonus if you're in your bathroom holding the camera at an angle (37.6 degrees is widely held to be the optimum) - or even better, photographing your reflection in the mirror. There are camera-experts out there who add your MySpace just to check out your camera-model, you know. Obese people, by default, take half-body photos showing only the part from their large boobs (omitting the flabby gut beneath) to their pudgy, chocolate-brownie-morsel-sprinkled face. Make sure to upload thousands of pictures of your friends, or pictures you took with your classmates and make people think they're your friends, because remember that people really care about this stuff. If you really want the girls though, be sure to take a picture of yourself with Heath Ledger's Joker makeup. And put on that "serious" face - you know the one. Pictures in the mirror are a must-have. That bright spot and out of focus picture is "So Smexxii!" Don't forget mirror pics!
If you are still concerned, you can always use a picture of some really hot chick from Google Images, so no-one finds out who you really are. This method is frequently used by ageing paedophiles.
- Bulletins — These have replaced the once-popular insanity indicator of talking to oneself. Here you can write about all the shit that nobody gives the slightest fuck about. Okay, we heard you the first time: if we WANTED to reply, we would have done so then. Millions of MySpace bulletins in the space of five minutes aren't gonna earn you any friends; they will encourage people to spam up your comments list.
- Friends — This feature was added to make little nerdy saps whom nobody would go near without running away screaming at the top of their lungs feel like they have people who actually care for them. They live blissfully, feeling "popular", when in reality the last people they talked to were the Jehovah's Witnesses who had to flee in terror last time they came and knocked on the door. Having over 1000 friends does NOT make you popular. It's thought that 1 out of every 150 MySpacers are a sub-ordinate of Paris Hilton. More friends = more sub-ordinates.
- Messages — When jerk-offs think they're too cool to comment (or, as likely, they can't actually find where to comment on your page because you're just "unique" like that), you can message them. Messages usually start with words like "hey", or "wuzup", or "LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL RFOLROFLROFLROFLROFLROFL PLEASE NOTICE ME!!!" You will notice when someone is desperate to talk, because by the time you've finished replying and gone back to your homepage, they have already commented back. If you send a person a message and that person is a bitch, they will probably read your message and just ignore you in order to be "cool". In a case where a person has changed their profile picture, and the picture implies that there's been a dramatic change to the person's body, face, hair, or gender, they probably want your reply to start with "WOAH, YOUR PICTURE IS TOTALLY DRAMATIC AND SHIT...", in that case, DO NOT REPLY BY SAYING "WOAH, YOUR PICTURE IS TOTALLY DRAMATIC AND SHIT..." Do not give those attention-whores what they want: if you do, it will cause them to have a little celebration in their head saying "OH MY GOD I'VE BEEN NOTICED! THANK YOU GOD!" Please, please just let them kill themselves.
- Bands — No, you aren't ACTUALLY friends with Fall Out Boy. Hate to break it to ya, but it's the truth, even though 99% of crappy MySpace bands are actually so shitty that nobody over the age of 12 with an IQ of over 40 would actually listen to them... hate to break it to THEM. But, what's really pathetic, I mean, kewl, is to pretend you're a band yourself. Then you're a REAL fan, though it's most likely you'll get ignored anyway.
- Suicide notes — If it were serious, it wouldn't be on MySpace. "OMG I'm dejected and defeated. I feel like cutting my wrist lol, do you notice me now?" and similar attention-seeking messages are not to be taken seriously: legitimate suicide notes are not written in text or html, so don't have a cow, man. People who write these sorts of messages fit into one of two categories:
- I'm writing this for attention.
- man i'm really gunna do this, life's sad, boohoo, mum won't let me buy a bottle of whisky...
- Either way, no-one gives a damn fuck. Although it DOES suck if you're not allowed to buy whiskey...nonetheless you SHOULD kill yourself if you're headed down that road in the first place (no one who matters will notice, much less care).
- HTML formatting — If you haven't got this one down, you might as well forget the idea of owning a MySpace page entirely. In fact, even if you've got it down the bloated MySpace underworld doesn't need another jackass thinking they're a part of something that any normal person gives a shit about.
- Hate mail — Does NOT mean you are famous; quite possibly the opposite. So remember that before you put something stupid on your page like a glittering flash saying "Keep hatin, ur only makin me famous lol!". Keep in mind that MySpace "fame" is worth the exact same amount as the turd that came out of you the last time you sat down on the toilet. Actually, it's probably not even worth that much. A squished snail that got hit by a truck and has rotten away ever since gets closer...
- Begging — Posting a bulletin that says "new pics, comment please! lol!" or "PC4PC LOl?! COMENTS?!137eggfriedrice!!ZEBRASHIT!!!!suxmyc=8" makes you a whore. Period.
- OHHH wait. A whore actually makes money whoring. So never mind. You're worse than a whore. You're just a slut.
- Status Updates — Usually has do do with a phrase such as "pc4pc" so that they feel like they're not the loneliest pieces of shit in the world. Also, sometimes used is "Is in Your Extended Network" for those dumb shit s who dont know how to fucking change the status.
- LOL Rules — This are the most specific rules on MyUniverse, so you need to agree with this rulez. First of all, the LOL can be used by any member of the unsocial network, by any administrator and by any moderator. Formattings for LOL, needs to be, as the following: LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL. LOL, means something like Love O Lovin' (Near as that). And if you write this to your GirlUnFriend, please take care that she can become your BoyFriend. So plese Start Love O Lovin' with LOL o Matic.
[edit] Showing Emotion
Only totally gay people actually type out 'I'm happy' or 'I'm angry' on MySpace. To show emotion on social networking sites such as MySpace, use the following expressions and "smilies" or "emoticons":
- Love: <3 (it's a ball sack, plain and simple. Some emos might think it's a heart!)
- Hate: </3 (same as above except the ball sack seems to be cut off. Which is what would happen if your girlfriend wants to be a plastic surgeon some day, or if she hates you)
- Happiness: =] (note: people's mouth are not actually square, and their eyes are not that close together. If you do happen to see someone with this dreadful affliction, feel free to contact your local plastic surgeon. Also note that the amount of "]"s represents exactly how happy the person is. =]]] is a very popular way for scene kids to express their happiness - either that or they're just fat and have too many chins)
- Sadness: =[ (the opposite of happiness - which is very clever)
- Confusion: =S or the apt statement "wtf" ("Williamstown Theatre Festival," - most MySpace users don't know what theatre is, therefore they are confused)
- =\ may also be used (everyone knows that when you're confused your lips go all squiggly or slide into a perfect diagonal direction)
- Anger: >=( (it should be noted that eyebrows shouldn't contract that far)
- Laughter: xD or =D (shown with mouths as "D"s - the letter "D" representing a big mouth full of joy. The more "D"s there are, the more amused they are. Example: xDDDDDD shows either great amusement or many, many chins.)
- Dick: 8===D~~ (shown by a girl after her and her mate had passionate passionate love)
- Boredom: ++$!| (generally shown right after reading an Uncyclopedia article that's completely devoid of lulz)
- Boobs: (. Y .)| (generally shown right after reading an Uncyclopedia article that's completely full of sex...along with the penis)
- also the basic alt codes performed by holding the alt button and pressing 1 or 2(respectively): ☺ & ☻ | (often used by geeks or people with enough free time learn alt controls, you the user can find your own alt code to fit your needs on Windows XP by first going to start->All Programs->Accessories->System Tools->Character Map"
[edit] Making friends
Repeated usage of MySpace can cause an unexpected twist in a teenybopper's life. She may gain lifelong real-life friends who admire her awesome posts!
[edit] Poser Emos
As you may have suspected, MySpace is a prime location for the well-known sport of emo-hating, as the place is crawling with 'em. Under no circumstances should you engage in this kind of activity, as emo-kids are very sensitive, and the slashes on their wrists could reach a new level of intensity. The emotional people of the future have gone so far as to use ancient books of dark magic to destroy all the worlds!
Be absolutely sure to also note that emos, as previously mentioned, are extremely sensitive. Even the slightest insult can and will send them into a deep and irreversible spiralling depression. They will also not "tolerate" questions such as the ever popular Why are you emo? That, my friend, will never go well. You will sit on that computer for hours listening to their incredibly sad (and not that bad considering, a kid from a third world country who has it a thousand times worse) life story. Remember, though, to console them at every given pause - because, as we all know, pets lighten up our lives, and while a dog or a cat is nice, an emo is even worse.
Another method, which is becoming increasingly popular, is to stare into a piece of bread containing Rhizopus, at a 45 degree angle. It is believed that this is how the emos are able to sustain themselves in these awkward positions for long periods of time. They somehow suck nutrients from the infected bread.
