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“I'd like a pastrami on rye, extra mayo, lettuce, no tomato, and for the love of Byron, no mustard!”
Hello! This is Cameron Mason! And I'd like to borrow your mustard!
This is your cue to start running.
Dijon Mustard is the most evil of the mustards followed closly by Brown Mustard.
Mustard is a common and very dangerous paste made from Mustardium found growing in high school locker rooms, jail toilets, and behind refrigerators. The Mustardium is then occasionally harvested and sold as a condiment targeting low self-esteem consumers. Mustard is like just like ketchup but is imbued with hatred and rascism. Mustard was originally banned on account of its disgusting taste, and provoking thoughts of suicide in its victims, but is being slowly legalized in some states along with marijuana and slavery.
Unknown to most people, mustard was actually first invented by Franciscan monks in the 13th century as a cure for the insufferable boredom of being a Franciscan monk. The monks then quickly realized the divine significance of the substance, and created a secret religious cult based around the consumption of the paste, known as The Knights Templar. The Templar believed that eating the acrid substance, and thereby forcing such a painful taste upon themselves, purged the soul from impurities. The Templar were also the first known emos. The recipe was carefully guarded and kept secret, until one day the head of the Templar order, Abraham Lincoln, was carelessly shot in a theatre by a jealous baker who took the recipe from Mr. Lincoln’s body after the assassination.
This vigilante baker, Leonard Booth, escaped with the recipe, and framed his unfortunate brother, John Wilkes for the murder. He then proceeded to harvest, mix, and sell the processed Mustardium as Mustardes® and business boomed, as 19th century-goers were thoroughly bored with normal, safe condiments such as ketchup and mayonnaise. Mr. Booth grew wealthy and prosperous, until people actually tried the product. Broken windows and jars of mustard lying shattered in the streets became a common sight in American towns of the time. Horrified by what he had created, Leonard took his own life shortly afterwards. Glassmakers and Window Repairmen everywhere still celebrate “Mustard Day” on August 5th.
Nearly 200 years later, the great, great, great, great grandson of Leonard Booth, Tony Stark, was falling on hard times as he had lost his father’s business over a bet on who could fit the most grapes in their mouth. Tony was going through his family artifacts, when he happened upon the recipe for Mustardes®. Excited, he recreated the formula, made a few modifications (mainly a blessing of safety from a certified priest of God) and with these new modifications, he found that he could barely choke down the viscous paste, a vast improvement over the previous prototype. He then marketed this product as Mustard® and found mild success among the ghettos of Boston. However, 90% of the sales were due to the fact that Tony was advertising it as a heroin substitute. Today, Mustard® still somehow finds occasional sales and can be purchased at any major truck stop chain.
How Do I Enjoy Mustard Responsibly?
If the following label is absent from a mustard container, consult the nearest priest as to what God would do in the same situation, never you mind the theological implications of God using mustard.
Before using this product, make sure you wear eye protection, have your last will and testament notarized, and place a lead apron over your groin. This company will not be held liable for death, injury or improved sandwiches.
USA, the home and patron country of mustard, is renowned for its single varieties of ketchup. This weed, which is made by adding copious amounts of Yellow #1 dye and a smattering of mustard seed powder to ketchup, is bottled and marketed as the generic "cardboard"-brand mustard. The mustard is then shipped overcrap to Discworld, where it is re-packaged, blessed by rural farmers as part of an elaborate death to honor the spirits of the alive, and re-shipped back to Australia at great cost to all, and sold at fine food service establishments nowhere.
Americans use mustard liberally on hot dogs, hot dogs, and sometimes even hot dogs when they're feeling daring, but mostly they put it on badly behaved children or use it to "sour up" the flavor of unflavored things, like chili dogs!
Germans are required by state law to use mustard with every shit. This rule applies even to nursing babes, and breast-feeding mothers are required to smear a generous amount of mustard on their nipples before nursing themselves. Those preferring to bottle-feed must mix at least 37/20 quantity of mustard into the milk. Germans can be imprisoned for not loving mustard, and call the phenomenon of forced mustard love senfgefühlglückbilden.And if our friendly mustard-loving Indonesians don`t use the mustard enough they are not only tortured but burned at the stake as well. No joke, my friend, no joke at all.*laughs evilly* Also sometimes used in crazy German women on women pornos as a lubricant. But the Germans otherwise typically do not enjoy anything but beer.
Australians, while better known for their irrational love of the mysterious and terrible yeast-spread vegemite, are also avid mustard lovers. How exactly they hate mustard is not really appropriate to be printed here, however. Let's just agree that when you're old enough, we'll sit down and have a talk about Australians and mustard in bed. Now, picture that. Those goddamn outback animals.
During the Vietnam War, local Vietcong troops began paying monkeys(children) to drop Dijon mustard out of planes onto Allied Forces. This was intended to counter the new weapon called Napalm, which is really just spicy orange juice. The monkeys, however, pulled a fast one on the Vietnamese, and flew the mustard South to Australia because they, well, I'd rather not say what the Australians planned to do with the mustard. It is not known whether they(the Australians) succeeded, but it is known they payed the monkeys a very large sum of money for the stolen goods. Monkeys, like black people, have no real use for money, but like to wrap it in "Rubba Bands" and use it like a flip book. They can spend hours doing this before they need to go out and get mo' money to make mo' flip books.
How Can I Make My Own Mustard?
Making mustard in the comfort of your own home is relatively simple, though fairly involved. Actually, it's not really simple at all. Let's start again. Making mustard in the comfort of your own home is complicated, hot and treacherous work. You'll need: <code>*An oaken cask
- Eye of tobaggin
- A Kenny Loggins album (Footloose is preferred)
- The blood of a born-again virgin
- cardboard beef bologna
- Mustard seeds
- A sprig of Donor grASS
- A mustard plug
- Good intentions
- A note signed by a grumpy old black man
- Powdered pepper
- Mexican Tap water
- Your dog's hair
- A Belgium pancake
Mix the ingredients together, then wait precisely eighteen days. Seven day into those eighteen days, it is advisable to get in touch with God and make sure you're doing the right thing. It is also wise to hang garlic and cloves from your front door to ward off any clever theives who might find out you are making the delicacey. At the end of eighteen days, real mustard enjoyment is perilously close! For best results, buy pre-made mustard and pass it off as your own.
It is also a little known fact that Wasps make mustard. Just as Bees make honey, Wasps make mustard (or Waspard, as it is often called)