Mustard

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{{whoops|ketchup}}
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[[Image:mustard2.jpg|thumb|right|200px|Ah, sweet, smooth mustard for my bread...wait, is that [[butter]]? I was told this was mustard! You goddamn hack artist! Look at me when I'm talking to you! Look at me!]]
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{{Wilde|I'd like a pastrami on rye, extra mayo, and for the love of Byron, no mustard!|mustard}}
   
{{Wilde|I'd like a pastrami on rye, extra mayo, lettuce, no tomato, and for the love of Byron, no mustard!|mustard}}
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'''Mustard''' is a common and very dangerous paste made from Mustardium found growing in high school locker rooms, jail toilets, and behind refrigerators. The Mustardium is then occasionally harvested and sold as a condiment targeting low self-esteem consumers. Mustard is just like ketchup but is imbued with hatred and racism. Mustard was originally banned on account of its disgusting taste, and provoking thoughts of suicide in its victims, but is being slowly legalized in some states, along with [[marijuana]] and [[slavery]].
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Mustard was actually first invented by Franciscan monks in the 13th century as a cure for the insufferable boredom of being a Franciscan monk. The monks then quickly realized the divine significance of the substance, and created a secret religious cult based around the consumption of the paste, known as The [[Knights Templar]]. The Templar believed that eating the acrid substance, and thereby forcing such a painful taste upon themselves, purged the soul from impurities. The Templar were also the first known [[emos]]. The recipe was carefully guarded and kept secret, until one day the head of the Templar order, [[Abraham Lincoln]], was carelessly shot in a theater by a jealous baker who took the recipe from Mr. Lincoln’s body after the [[assassination]].
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This vigilante baker, Leonard Booth, escaped with the recipe, and framed his unfortunate brother, [[John Wilkes]] for the murder. He then proceeded to harvest, mix, and sell the processed Mustardium as Mustard® and business boomed, as 19th century-goers were thoroughly bored with normal, safe condiments such as [[ketchup]] and [[mayonnaise]]. Mr. Booth grew wealthy and prosperous, until people actually [[Suppository|tried]] the product. Broken windows and jars of mustard lying shattered in the streets became a common sight in American towns of the time. Horrified by what he had created, Leonard took his own life shortly afterwards. Glass-makers and Window Repairmen everywhere still celebrate “Mustard Day” on August 5th.
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Nearly 200 years later, the great, great, great, great grandson of Leonard Booth, [[Tony Stark]], was falling on hard times as he had lost his father’s business over a bet on who could fit the most grapes in their mouth. Tony was going through his family artifacts, when he happened upon the recipe for Mustard. Excited, he recreated the formula, made a few modifications (mainly a blessing of safety from a certified priest of God) and with these new modifications, he found that he could barely choke down the viscous paste, a vast improvement over the previous prototype. He then marketed this product as [[Mustard]]® and found mild success among the [[ghettos]] of [[Boston]]. However, 90% of the [[Barack Obama|sales]] were due to the fact that Tony was advertising it as a [[heroin]] substitute.
   
__NOTOC__
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Today, Mustard still somehow finds occasional sales and can be purchased at any major truck stop chain.
=Overview=
 
   
Hello! This is Cameron Mason! And I'd like to borrow your mustard!
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==How to enjoy mustard responsibly==
 
This is your cue to start running.
 
 
[[Image:mustard2.jpg|thumb|right|200px|<small>'''Ah, sweet, smooth mustard for my bread...wait, is that [[butter]]? I was told this was mustard! You goddamn hack artist! Look at me when I'm talking to you! Look at me!'''</small>]]
 
'''Mustard''' (not to be confused with custard) is a popular and dangerous condiment used the world over by those "in the know." Originally developed by '''Franciscan monks''' in the 13th century as a cure for the insufferable boredom of being a Franciscan monk, mustard was found inadequate in this task and was ditched in favor of [[beer]].
 
 
Mustard languished for centuries before being re-discovered by Vaudeville talent scouts at [[Vassar|Vassar College]] during the summer of [[1913]].
 
 
Since its re-discovery, mustard has spread across the globe like a smooth, spicy, viscous paste made out of ground mustard seeds and water, plus other various ingredients, bent on being smeared all over things that lack the yellow completeness offered by mustard.
 
 
The world record for guzzling mustard goes to [[Thomas Brundardt]] of [[Slow Boy Running]] who drank a record breaking 3 bottles of mustard at the coercion of his bandmates.
 
 
Dijon Mustard is the most evil of the mustards followed closly by Brown Mustard.
 
 
==How Do I Enjoy Mustard Responsibly?==
 
 
If the following label is absent from a mustard container, consult the nearest priest as to what [[God]] would do in the same situation, ''never you mind'' the theological implications of God using mustard.
 
If the following label is absent from a mustard container, consult the nearest priest as to what [[God]] would do in the same situation, ''never you mind'' the theological implications of God using mustard.
   
<code>'''Before using this product, make sure you wear eye protection, have your last will and testament notarized, and place a lead apron over your groin. This company will not be held liable for death, injury or improved sandwiches.'''
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===In the USA===
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The [[United Spades|USA]], the home and patron country of mustard, is renowned for its single varieties of ketchup. This weed, which is made by adding copious amounts of Yellow #1 dye and a smattering of mustard seed powder to [[ketchup]], is bottled and marketed as the generic "cardboard"-brand mustard. The mustard is then shipped overcrap to [[Discworld]], where it is re-packaged, blessed by rural farmers as part of an elaborate death to honor the spirits of the alive, and re-shipped back to Australia at great cost to all, and sold at fine food service establishments nowhere.
   
===In USA===
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Americans use mustard liberally on [[hot dog|hot dogs]], hot dogs, and sometimes even hot dogs when they're feeling daring, but mostly they put it on badly behaved children or use it to "sour up" the flavor of unflavored things.
[[United Spades|USA]], the home and patron country of mustard, is renowned for its single varieties of ketchup. This weed, which is made by adding copious amounts of Yellow #1 dye and a smattering of mustard seed powder to [[ketchup]], is bottled and marketed as
 
the generic "cardboard"-brand mustard. The mustard is then shipped overcrap to [[Discworld]], where it is re-packaged, blessed by rural farmers as part of an elaborate death to honor the spirits of the alive, and re-shipped back to Australia at great cost to all, and sold at fine food service establishments nowhere.
 
 
Americans use mustard liberally on [[hot dog|hot dogs]], hot dogs, and sometimes even hot dogs when they're feeling daring, but mostly they put it on badly behaved children or use it to "sour up" the flavor of unflavored things, like chili dogs!
 
   
 
===In Germany===
 
===In Germany===
[[Germany|Germans]] are required by state law to use mustard with every shit. This rule applies even to nursing babes, and breast-feeding mothers are required to smear a generous amount of mustard on their nipples before nursing themselves. Those preferring to bottle-feed must mix at least 37/20 quantity of mustard into the milk. Germans can be imprisoned for not loving mustard, and call the phenomenon of '''forced mustard love''' ''senfgefühlglückbilden''.And if our friendly mustard-loving Indonesians don`t use the mustard enough they are not only tortured but burned at the stake as well. No joke, my friend, no joke at all.*laughs evilly* Also sometimes used in crazy German women on women pornos as a lubricant. But the Germans otherwise typically do not enjoy anything but beer.
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[[Germany|Germans]] are required by state law to use mustard. This rule applies even to nursing babes. Those preferring to bottle-feed must mix mustard into the milk. Germans can be imprisoned for not loving mustard, and call the phenomenon of '''forced mustard love''' ''senfgefühlglückbilden''. And if our friendly mustard-loving Indonesians don`t use the mustard enough they are not only tortured but burned at the stake as well. But the Germans otherwise typically do not enjoy anything but beer.
   
 
===In Australia===
 
===In Australia===
[[Australia|Australians]], while better known for their irrational love of the mysterious and terrible yeast-spread [[vegemite]], are also avid mustard lovers. How exactly they hate mustard is not really appropriate to be printed here, however. Let's just agree that when you're old enough, we'll sit down and have a talk about Australians and mustard in bed. Now, picture that. Those goddamn outback animals.
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[[Australia|Australians]], while better known for their irrational love of the mysterious and terrible yeast-spread [[vegemite]], are also avid mustard lovers.
   
 
===In Vietnam===
 
===In Vietnam===
During the [[Vietnam War]], local Vietcong troops began paying [[Monkey|monkeys]](children) to drop Dijon mustard out of planes onto Allied Forces. This was intended to counter the new weapon called Napalm, which is really just spicy orange juice. The monkeys, however, [[Joke|pulled a fast one]] on the Vietnamese, and flew the mustard South to [[Australia]] because they, well, I'd rather not say what the Australians planned to do with the mustard. It is not known whether they(the Australians) succeeded, but it is known they payed the monkeys a very large sum of money for the stolen goods. Monkeys, like [[black people]], have no real use for money, but like to wrap it in "Rubba Bands" and use it like a flip book. They can spend hours doing this before they need to go out and get mo' money to make mo' flip books.
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During the [[Vietnam War]], local Vietcong troops began paying [[Children|Monkeys]] to drop Dijon mustard out of planes onto Allied Forces. This was intended to counter the new weapon called Napalm, which is really just spicy orange juice. The monkeys, however, [[Joke|pulled a fast one]] on the Vietnamese, and flew the mustard South to [[Australia]] because they, well, I'd rather not say what the Australians planned to do with the mustard. It is not known whether they(the Australians) succeeded, but they paid the monkeys a very large sum of money for the stolen goods. Monkeys have no real use for money, but like to wrap it in "Rubba Bands" and use it like a flip book. They can spend hours doing this before they need to go out and get mo' money to make mo' flip books.
 
==How Can I Make My Own Mustard?==
 
Making mustard in the comfort of your own home is relatively simple, though fairly involved. Actually, it's not really simple at all.
 
Let's start again. Making mustard in the comfort of your own home is complicated, hot and treacherous work. You'll need:
 
<code>*An oaken cask
 
*Eye of tobaggin
 
*A [[Kenny Loggins]] album (''Footloose'' is preferred)
 
*The blood of a born-again virgin
 
*cardboard beef [[bologna]]
 
*Mustard seeds
 
*A sprig of Donor grASS
 
*A mustard plug
 
*[[Good intentions]]
 
*A note signed by a [[Good Old Days|grumpy old black man]]
 
*[[Vinegar]]
 
*Powdered pepper
 
*Mexican Tap water</code>
 
*Your dog's hair
 
*A [[Belgium]] [[pancake]]
 
   
Mix the ingredients together, then wait precisely eighteen days. Seven day into those eighteen days, it is advisable to get in touch with God and make sure you're doing the right thing. It is also wise to hang garlic and cloves from your front door to ward off any clever theives who might find out you are making the delicacey. At the end of eighteen days, real mustard enjoyment is '''perilously close'''! For best results, buy pre-made mustard and pass it off as your own.
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==Heroic feats involving mustard==
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The world record for guzzling mustard goes to Thomas Brundardt of Slow Boy Running, who drank 3 bottles of mustard upon the dare of his bandmates.
   
It is also a little known fact that Wasps make mustard. Just as Bees make honey, Wasps make mustard (or Waspard, as it is often called)
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Dijon Mustard is the most evil of the mustards, followed closely by Brown Mustard.
   
== Feedback on Mustard ==
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'''Colonel Mustard''' did it with a candalabra in the conservatory.
<youtube>2_75egyxc50</youtube>
 
   
==See Also==
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==See also==
 
*[[Ketchup]]
 
*[[Ketchup]]
 
*[[Butter]]
 
*[[Butter]]
 
*[[Awesomesauce]]
 
*[[Awesomesauce]]
 
*[[Hot Dog]]
 
*[[Hot Dog]]
*[[Snausages]]
 
*[[Dave Mustaine|Dave Mustardstain]]
 
 
*[[Sausage Festival]]
 
*[[Sausage Festival]]
   

Latest revision as of 21:04, August 30, 2013

Mustard2
Ah, sweet, smooth mustard for my bread...wait, is that butter? I was told this was mustard! You goddamn hack artist! Look at me when I'm talking to you! Look at me!

“I'd like a pastrami on rye, extra mayo, and for the love of Byron, no mustard!”
~ Oscar Wilde on mustard

Mustard is a common and very dangerous paste made from Mustardium found growing in high school locker rooms, jail toilets, and behind refrigerators. The Mustardium is then occasionally harvested and sold as a condiment targeting low self-esteem consumers. Mustard is just like ketchup but is imbued with hatred and racism. Mustard was originally banned on account of its disgusting taste, and provoking thoughts of suicide in its victims, but is being slowly legalized in some states, along with marijuana and slavery.

Mustard was actually first invented by Franciscan monks in the 13th century as a cure for the insufferable boredom of being a Franciscan monk. The monks then quickly realized the divine significance of the substance, and created a secret religious cult based around the consumption of the paste, known as The Knights Templar. The Templar believed that eating the acrid substance, and thereby forcing such a painful taste upon themselves, purged the soul from impurities. The Templar were also the first known emos. The recipe was carefully guarded and kept secret, until one day the head of the Templar order, Abraham Lincoln, was carelessly shot in a theater by a jealous baker who took the recipe from Mr. Lincoln’s body after the assassination.

This vigilante baker, Leonard Booth, escaped with the recipe, and framed his unfortunate brother, John Wilkes for the murder. He then proceeded to harvest, mix, and sell the processed Mustardium as Mustard® and business boomed, as 19th century-goers were thoroughly bored with normal, safe condiments such as ketchup and mayonnaise. Mr. Booth grew wealthy and prosperous, until people actually tried the product. Broken windows and jars of mustard lying shattered in the streets became a common sight in American towns of the time. Horrified by what he had created, Leonard took his own life shortly afterwards. Glass-makers and Window Repairmen everywhere still celebrate “Mustard Day” on August 5th.

Nearly 200 years later, the great, great, great, great grandson of Leonard Booth, Tony Stark, was falling on hard times as he had lost his father’s business over a bet on who could fit the most grapes in their mouth. Tony was going through his family artifacts, when he happened upon the recipe for Mustard. Excited, he recreated the formula, made a few modifications (mainly a blessing of safety from a certified priest of God) and with these new modifications, he found that he could barely choke down the viscous paste, a vast improvement over the previous prototype. He then marketed this product as Mustard® and found mild success among the ghettos of Boston. However, 90% of the sales were due to the fact that Tony was advertising it as a heroin substitute.

Today, Mustard still somehow finds occasional sales and can be purchased at any major truck stop chain.

edit How to enjoy mustard responsibly

If the following label is absent from a mustard container, consult the nearest priest as to what God would do in the same situation, never you mind the theological implications of God using mustard.

edit In the USA

The USA, the home and patron country of mustard, is renowned for its single varieties of ketchup. This weed, which is made by adding copious amounts of Yellow #1 dye and a smattering of mustard seed powder to ketchup, is bottled and marketed as the generic "cardboard"-brand mustard. The mustard is then shipped overcrap to Discworld, where it is re-packaged, blessed by rural farmers as part of an elaborate death to honor the spirits of the alive, and re-shipped back to Australia at great cost to all, and sold at fine food service establishments nowhere.

Americans use mustard liberally on hot dogs, hot dogs, and sometimes even hot dogs when they're feeling daring, but mostly they put it on badly behaved children or use it to "sour up" the flavor of unflavored things.

edit In Germany

Germans are required by state law to use mustard. This rule applies even to nursing babes. Those preferring to bottle-feed must mix mustard into the milk. Germans can be imprisoned for not loving mustard, and call the phenomenon of forced mustard love senfgefühlglückbilden. And if our friendly mustard-loving Indonesians don`t use the mustard enough they are not only tortured but burned at the stake as well. But the Germans otherwise typically do not enjoy anything but beer.

edit In Australia

Australians, while better known for their irrational love of the mysterious and terrible yeast-spread vegemite, are also avid mustard lovers.

edit In Vietnam

During the Vietnam War, local Vietcong troops began paying Monkeys to drop Dijon mustard out of planes onto Allied Forces. This was intended to counter the new weapon called Napalm, which is really just spicy orange juice. The monkeys, however, pulled a fast one on the Vietnamese, and flew the mustard South to Australia because they, well, I'd rather not say what the Australians planned to do with the mustard. It is not known whether they(the Australians) succeeded, but they paid the monkeys a very large sum of money for the stolen goods. Monkeys have no real use for money, but like to wrap it in "Rubba Bands" and use it like a flip book. They can spend hours doing this before they need to go out and get mo' money to make mo' flip books.

edit Heroic feats involving mustard

The world record for guzzling mustard goes to Thomas Brundardt of Slow Boy Running, who drank 3 bottles of mustard upon the dare of his bandmates.

Dijon Mustard is the most evil of the mustards, followed closely by Brown Mustard.

Colonel Mustard did it with a candalabra in the conservatory.

edit See also

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