Mustaches of Legend
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A little known Islamic prophecy recorded by the scribe Abu Kuffar in the year 952 AD, supposedly gleaned from a scribbling in the margins of Mohammed's personal sketchbook, predicts the existence of Moustaches of Legend.
Contents |
[edit] The Prophecy
Before the Last Day, Nine Mustaches shall rise to oppose the Mahdi.
- The First Mustache, the Blond Mustache
- The Second Mustache, the Brown Mustache
- The Third Mustache, the Red Mustache
- The Fourth Mustache, the Black Mustache
- The Fifth Mustache, the Grey Mustache
- The Sixth Mustache, the White Mustache
- The Seventh Mustache, the Incongruously White Mustache
- The Eighth Mustache, the False Mustache
- The Ninth Mustache, the Blue Mustache
[edit] Speculation
For each mustache in the prophecy, here are some individuals who are thought to possibly match them.
[edit] Mustache 1
The possibilities for this mustache are controversial. Some argue that Hillary Clinton, being a woman, cannot have one of the Mustaches of Legend. Others suggest that since Clinton's mustache was acquired from the Joe Stalin (who was a man, of course) there is no problem. However, the fact that she is a Democrat raises questions over her likelihood of her being in opposition to the Mahdi and therefore ineligible for the Legend. Another possibility for this mustache is Harvard professor P. Danforth Some (see #2), although Some's hair color is disputed. And his goatee might disqualify him.
[edit] Mustache 2
As stated above, Harvard professor Dr. P. Danforth Some is a possible bearer of the Second Mustache of Legend. Even he himself is unsure whether his mustache is best described as brown or blond. Some have described it as "sandy", others as "computer generated". Controversy swirls around his mustache like soup.
[edit] Mustache 4
 Sal Fasano. |
Sal Fasano, catcher for various Major League Baseball teams, indisputably possesses The Black Mustache of Legend. His mustache -- displayed here in the Fu Manchu variety -- has been known to cure cancer, AIDS, syphillis, the common cold, homosexuality, heterosexuality, acne, skid marks, and losing streaks. It is also the most ticklish mustache in baseball history, according to Mike Piazza.
[edit] Mustache 7
It is a practical certainty that the Seventh Mustache is John Bolton, as his white mustache is clearly incongruous with his gray-brown hair. Whan asked about the whiteness of his lip-fur, John replied: "So I enjoy a nice hot cup of Chlorox every night! You should see my wife's bearded clam!"
[edit] Mustache 9
 Unknown. Could be you. |
The idea of a blue mustache is rather strange, but some suggest that recent Japanese experiments in genetically engineering people with blue hair may soon bring answers to this question. An anonymous source suggests Sophia is planning to partake in these experiments, and may very well be the bearer of the final mustache.
