Moustache
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“ The moustache is the evolutionary next level to enlightenment”
~ Oscar Wilde on Moustache Logistics
“ See this? This means I'M the man of the house until you can grow one.”
~ Your Dad on Moustaches
“ Excuse me sir I moustache you a question. ”
~ An angry lesbian on Moustachology
A Moustache is a rather small, horrible beast related to species such as Walrii, Bears, Mullets and Breast Hare. In the prehistoric times of the 1980's male hominids caught wild moustaches, tamed them and carried them in their upper lips in order to catch attention of females. The most publicized case of this is Dick Van Dyke's Moustache. However, for most this didn't work really well and the male had to turn to sodomy or shaking his twanger.
Since the 1980s moustaches have become more and more endangered. Which is widely agreed to be a very very good thing, their potential extinction is the greatest concern of most world leaders at the moment. Every conference on Climate Change, World Peace and Famine will be most likely be postponed until this issue has been dealt with.
In the late 1990s Moustaches became very abundant once again when Monica Lewinsky made riding them a popular pastime for women.
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[edit] Etymology
Mustache is a contraction of must and ache; something that most probably hurts. This may be a reference to how a bad mustache hurts the eyes, or how much it may hurt to kiss someone with an unwieldy mustache, or how much it hurts to get stuff stick in one. The similarity in pronunciation to mistake is no coincidence: many mustaches result from mistakes. In fact, even if someone intentionally wears a mustache it is often considered a mistake
[edit] History
THIS PICTURE SHOWS MICHIEL ARTS IN HIS GAY SUIT
It was recently discovered in 1834 that the earliest ancestor of the Moustache was the McDonald's logo which lived freely in what is now known by the name Mexico, the ancient people of this land were called Mayan or simply those guys from that place over there. Throughout history there has been many legends of Homosapiens with Moustaches mainly these were males although in places such as eastern europe the women loved to grow moustaches, this was usually cut off and used as a delicacy surprisingly this did not catch on. Eventually the now more tamed species of the Moustache about 100,056 years after it begin to spread across the globe at 'which time thought to be flat' reached a new land of France this is normally mistaken for the origin of this species as it was the birth place of most modern moustaches such as the Handlebar Moustache this is specially used during the act of sexual intercourse 'which is not allowed before marriage'. One day the Moustache arrived in a little yet powerful 'with great power comes great responsibility' island known as Britain, the main country of these isles England decided to adopt the moustache as a form of Sexual perversity in public areas such as parks although now the beast has been tamed and can often be seen in pornography as 'porno taches'.
The mustache was invented in 1843 by a blind old guy's horse which believed it was eating harmless grass, not knowing the folly of its cunning crafting of the most evil and successful being ever. The first mustaches name was Bruce (circa 1843 to infinite time loop) [aside: the original author's brother met Bruce in a dream and told me all about it]. Bruce's first deed of notability was commandeering the world's first time machine to travel back in time and breed its way through the cosmos. Bruce's accomplishments were quickly surpassed by such mustaches as those of the first frog and Jesus.
Later in approximately 1917, and also paradoxically before, in 1129AD, Soviet Russian scientists began working on the perfection of the moustache. (Contrary to popular belief, the Soviet Moustache had to be discovered, as it did not, in fact, find YOU!!) It was once widely believed that the power struggle in the Russian Communist Party may have had something to do with the rise of the Soviet Moustache (we all know it has offensive capabilities far outstripping those available to Capitalist pig-dogs), but later studies carried out by blind pigs searching for acorns accidentally stumbled upon the real reason why the Communists were attempting to form a cooperative relationship with this most insidious of upper-lip dwellers: bad teeth caused by poor dental care not provided by a decent and completely rationalized wellfare state. Championed by none other than Joey S himself, the Soviet Moustache rose to heights before unheard of in the ranks of the powerful (namely, the rather average height of 5'6").
the moustache is most famously used by hitler, fredy m and a man named pete.This man named pete is believed to be german.
[edit] Politics
There was once a time when the mustache, beard, and sideburns could collectively co-exist peacefully. This era is commonly referred to as the 70's. Presently it's becoming exceedingly rare to find a side burn, most of the scientific literature on the subject postulates that their disappearance is linked to bell bottoms, which vanished at roughly the same time.
In recent history the mustache has been in constant conflict with the beard. Beards are constantly at war with mustaches for dominance of the human face with mustaches clearly on the higher moral and metaphysical ground. Beards will eventually be forced into oblivion with no hope of overtaking the mustache in its divine intervention over humanity.
[edit] Alternative theory
Mustaches have played a critical part in human evolution, science, history, geography, space travel, jeans and the 70's. Mustaches have long been thought of to only inhabit the area's under men's (and some women, including Margaret Thatcher's) noses. After much research it was found that mustaches are actually a swamp-dwelling bird that has had a long running domination of the human race. There is usually a mustache at the front of every major human accomplishment and deed of notability.
[edit] Possible Moustache Uses
There are many possible reasons for having moustache, the best recommended by readers of "My Little Moustache" a weekly magazine:
- Kudos in dictator interview
- Hiding those irritating upper lip tattoos that say "Get it below" you thought looked great when drunk
- brainwashing small children
- Running for town hobo
- flirting with a goat
- Moustache Rides are popular at carnivals.
- Saving beer for the road
- Decide who must do something unpleasant
- The ability to offer "Moustache rides" in the privacy of your own home
- Convenient safety net for Nose Gnomes
- Solidarity with your Spanish/Middle Eastern girlfriend
- Allows the wearing of a leather studded cap and chaps in public
- Instantaneously grants the wearer the ability to speak Italian (could be substituted with large hand gestures)
[edit] See also
- Mustaches of Legend
- Moustache-o-meter
- A brief history of facial hair (communism) in the 20th century
- Stache
