Murphy's law application for antigravitatory cats

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"Eddie Murphy did a movie about space cats?"

~ Oscar Wilde on antigravitatory cats

Axioms

  • Murphy's Law:
 If something can go wrong, it will
 
 so,
 
 If you throw a toast with butter to the air, it will always fall by the butter's side
  • Cats conservation law:
 A cat will always lands on its feet, standing on them.

Demonstration

Cat toast

So, what would happen if we stick a toast with butter to a cat's back and we throw it to the air? The cat, by law, will land on its feet, but the toast, (by law too) will land on the butter's side. Against this problem of physics laws, the nature chooses the best (and laziest, I think) way of taking a solution: the cat may just not fall

The cat with the toast, once it's free in the air, will float to the so-called "balance point", where butter repulsion forces and cat forces are in balance. This point can be adjusted by removing some butter from the toast, adding it, or cutting some hairs (or legs) from the cat. In theory, this will cause the cat to remain stationary, however, in reality, due to varied nature of gravity and the non-uniform profile of Earth, the cat will simply spin around its center of gravity at ever-increasing speed.

In fact, most civilizated species in the universe already use this principle in order to build their UFO's. Thus, the buzzing that you can hear when you see an UFO is actually the purr from the cats. Anyway, there's a big danger in this. If the cat somehow is able to eat the butter on the toast, it will automagically fall, causing a great disaster.

Propulsion In order for the equilibrated cat to escape it's inertia one must attach a propulsion device. The neccessary item consists of cellotape (and if possible some object such as a bottle top); when the cellotape is attached to the cat's tail, the cat feels compelled to escape the anomaly caused by the disruption in tail dynamics. Thus the cat engages in accelerated motion in a direction diametric of the cellotape.

Theoretically if one attached, further, a piece of string to the tail disruptor one may have a suitable steering mechanism, however this theory has not been tested --- and some well positioned, suspended, tuna would probably be suffice.

It has further been suggested that if one were to wrap the cat with rolls of insulated copper wire and rig the landing site with magnets, the cat and toast could become a rotating generator. Of course, these effects only last as long as the cat lives. Once the cat dies, the toast wins. The life of the cat could theoretically be extended by enclosing the landing site in a box containing a source of radiation, and closing said box once the cat is safely inside — thanks to the law of quantum possibilities, the cat is simultaneously both dead and alive. If the box is never opened, the quantum state of the cat being alive continues to cause the cat and toast to spin, thus generating electricity for all eternity.

History

In 1977 A.C., Oscar Wilde, in trying to get two bisexual women back to his place at the same time, accidentally tied a piece of buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from the top of the Leaning Tower of Pisa. "Oops," he said.

The cat-toast hybrid fell at the constant acceleration of gravity until it stopped just above the ground, hovering. Both substances wanted to hit the ground first, canceling each other out.

Oscar Wilde, always one to recognize the violation of laws of thermodynamics, found a way to harness the limitless potential energy of the hovering cat-toast creation to power his Uncyclopedia -- a Cat-Toast Device.

All rumors about the Uncyclopedia being powered by a Stormtroopers vs. Red Shirts Device or a Wind farm are totally baseless.

This is not to be confused with the mythical Kitten-PopTart Singularity.

Counter-theories

Some scientologists think that creating antigravitatory cats is virtually impossible. They demonstrate it by doing the experiment by themselves.

In order to do the experiment, you need
A toast
Butter
Some gluing dispositive

Let's imagine you have that ready. Try to put the cat and the gluing dispositive together. See what happens? Exactly! There is no cat!

When the gluing dispositive and the cat are in the same tetradimensional space, the cat dissappears.

There are three thinking schools that explain this:

First theory

A cat is built by particles called "superquarks" (also called "meows"). These superquarks show both atomic (they are built of normal quarks) and feline qualities (so these quarks have charmed characteristics). But, the gluing dispositive isn't made of superquarks, so when cat and glue are put together, they cancel themselves. This theory, however, doesn't explain why the cat is the one who dissapears, and not the gluing dispositive.

Second theory

Cats are pandimensional, superintelligent creatures. So, when they think they are in danger, they start to purr and travel to their origin dimension. The reason why the cats stay in this dimension is because here they find enough food and people stupid enough to feed them.

Third theory

The cat runs away, scratching the idiot who tried to put glue on it. (Most theorists dismiss this idea as pedantic.)

Fourth theory

The cat and the toast spin themselves so fast that they create a black hole and people and objects are sucked into the swirling mix of Catoast, eventually the planet would be sucked up and everyone would finally know the answer, but no one would be able to do anything with the knowledge they'd just gained.

Fifth theory

Murphy's Law: If something can go wrong, it will. Therefore something will mess up this cat theory. After this, something will mess up Murphy's Law, then the cat theory has no basis and someone will discredit it and something will go wrong with the attempt at disproving it. Then the cat theory will not be proven incorrect, and relying on Murphy's Law, will prove Murphy's Law correct again. Therefore something will mess up this cat theory. After this, something will mess up Murphy's Law. Ad nausem.

This causes an infinite cycle of the theory being viable and unviable and will mean that the cat will be beaten against the floor at frequency \nu, which is proportional to the reduced fat mass of the butter \mu. The cat is therefore beaten to death eventually, but if something can go wrong, it will. Therefore someone will mess up my cat theory, then Murphy's Law. It doesn't make sense! I'll go mad!

Sixth theory

The butter drips off, or is replaced with Flora.

See Also

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