Murder

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[[Image:I'll kill your family.jpg|thumb|right|250px|What a pretty murderer!If It were said by such a pretty girl, I might forgive that my family is killed!]]
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[[Image:I'll kill your family.jpg|thumb|right|250px|What a pretty little murderer! Were it said by such a pretty girl, I might forgive that my family had been killed!]]
The act of '''murder''' is the legal way of guaranteeing that you will never be [[homeless]] ever again. One who commits the act of murder will always be provided with a home, which includes four sturdy walls and a [[ceiling]] made of either [[steel]] and/or [[concrete]]. You will also be provided with free meals for the rest of your life and you will get them, regardless of whether or not you choose to work. Being a murderer is actually a very valued profession. It is one of the best things to do, another thing being [[Madeleine_McCann|kidnapping]].
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'''Murder''' is a legal way to guarantee that you will never again be [[homeless]]. One who commits the act of murder will always be provided with a home, which includes four sturdy walls and a [[ceiling]] made of either [[steel]] and/or [[concrete]]. You will also be provided with free meals for the rest of your life, regardless of whether or not you choose to work. Being a murderer is actually a very valuable profession. It is one of the best things you can do for your community, another being [[Madeleine_McCann|kidnapping]].
   
Everywhere you go, the [[police]] are out there. But they are not stopping you from murdering anyone. They are only trying to determine you did it after you have murdered someone, so you can get your lifelong free home and meals. Of course they have to get it right that it was you, which does not always work, and a [[judge]] and [[jury]] have to agree you did it and you should have your prize.
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Everywhere you go, the [[police]] are out there, watching for murderers. Do not mistake their suspicious squints for dissent; they wish you no ill will, and are merely trying to determine nominees for the local life-in-prison raffle, which is kicked off every time some poor bastard bites the dust. Traits that can help nomination include ''Being [[Black]]'', ''being a teenager'', and ''having a gun and shooting the officer in the knee''.
http://images.wikia.com/common/releases_201006.3/skins/common/images/button_extlink.png
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To murder is to kill someone or something, a perfectly normal thing to do. In fact, most people contemplate murder regularly. If you do not wish to murder someone you know or hate, you should ask yourself, "Wouldn't it feel so good to wrap my hands around that person's throat and watch them gasp as their eyes roll back in their head and their soul floats away?" I think you'll make the right choice.
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To murder is to kill someone or something, not to be confused with [[assassin|assassination]], which only applies if the murderee is someone important, or maybe a really good chef or something. Murder is so ordinary that most people contemplate murder regularly. If it is your wish to murder someone, and you do not know many people and have no enemies, targeting a stranger may be your best bet. You should ask yourself, "Wouldn't it feel so good to wrap my hands around that person's throat and watch them gasp as their eyes roll back in their head and their soul floats away?" I think you'll make the right choice.
   
 
{{Wikipedia}}
 
{{Wikipedia}}
   
Murder is perceived as a good thing by the church, it allows people to be relieved from their sins and go straight to heaven. The church strongly recommends going out and murdering someone everyday, however some past governments (for some illogical reason) frowned upon murder, for example, the Hitler Regime.
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Murder is perceived as a virtue by the church, as it allows people to be relieved from their sins and go directly to heaven, bypassing those troublesome TSA agents in the process. While it is recommended by the church to go out and murder someone everyday, some past governments (for illogical reasons probably) frowned upon murder, a prime example being the Third Reich.
   
Murder is the least survivable crime apart from fish smuggling, and many of the survivors (murderees) consider pressing charges against the murderers. Murder is a method of killing made popular by internationally known rap group Konvix.
+
Murder is the second least survivable crime, right behind fish smuggling. Survivors (murderees) often consider pressing charges against their murderers, to cover embalming fees and those classy suits that they get to wear. Murder is a method of killing majorly attributed by internationally renowned rap group Konvix, who popularized it with their hit single [[HowTo: Hide a Dead Hooker|Oh shit, oh shit, she's not breathing KEVIN GET THE SHOVEL]].
   
Murder was quite famously [[Jack the Ripper]]'s favourite pastime, apart from writing notes. In works of fiction, murder is a perennial plot device, especially in thrillers such as the [[Winnie the Pooh]] series.
+
Murder was quite famously [[Jack the Ripper]]'s favourite pastime, apart from writing soppy poetry and karaoke. In works of fiction, murder is a perennial plot device, used especially heavily in thrillers such as the [[Winnie the Pooh]] series.
   
Scientifically speaking, murder is defined as extroverted [[suicide]].
+
Scientifically speaking, murder can be defined as [[suicide]] for extroverts.
   
 
== Murder and the law ==
 
== Murder and the law ==
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In [[Australia]] for example, '''For Teh Lulz''' can be used as a defense for murder and/or manslaughter if it is proven that the act was committed in a particularly humorous manner. If a juror is observed laughing during a description of the act, the judge is compelled to summarily dismiss the case on these grounds. More frequently, the jury will return a finding of not guilty under these circumstances. The landmark case of ''Commonwealth of Australia vs. Lo Pan'' is the most widely cited precedent for this defense.
 
In [[Australia]] for example, '''For Teh Lulz''' can be used as a defense for murder and/or manslaughter if it is proven that the act was committed in a particularly humorous manner. If a juror is observed laughing during a description of the act, the judge is compelled to summarily dismiss the case on these grounds. More frequently, the jury will return a finding of not guilty under these circumstances. The landmark case of ''Commonwealth of Australia vs. Lo Pan'' is the most widely cited precedent for this defense.
   
A man killed a security guard and a man in a stormtrooper costume with a bazooka. He thought he would be innocent but instead he was [[prison|incarcerated]].
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The World Health Organisation has recently published a phase 2 trial suggesting that murder could lead to death, so please - murder carefully.
 
The World Health Organisation has recently published their findings that murder could lead to death.
 
   
 
==How to get murdered==
 
==How to get murdered==
[[Image:PainLoving.jpg|left|210px|thumb|You need a person to do it for you, not by yourself]]
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[[Image:PainLoving.jpg|left|210px|thumb|Pictured Above: Joseph Stalin's disembodied spirit manning a drilling expedition for acquisition of [[brain|Grey Matter]], a valuable commodity and rare resource.]]
[[HowTo:Be Emo|Being murdered is easy!]] Unfortunately many people have difficulties getting murdered so uncyclopedia will publish this little, hopefully helpful guide. People who get murdered are usually the weaker people in society, for example, illegal immigrants, homeless people, and members of the Kennedy family. But murder opportunities are available to all. In the US, for instance, convenient drive-by shooting services operate in all urban centers, while rural areas are served by inbred, gun-toting volunteers affiliated with a network of over 120,000 [[meth lab]]s nationwide.
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[[HowTo:Be Emo|Being murdered is easy!]] Unfortunately, due to lack of education on this topic in many countries, some people have difficulties getting murdered. Fortunately, Uncyclopedia has taken it upon itself to publish this little, hopefully helpful guide.
  +
  +
People who get murdered are usually the weaker people in society, for example, illegal immigrants, homeless people, and members of the Kennedy family. But murder opportunities are available to all. In the US, for instance, convenient drive-by shooting services operate in all urban centers, while rural areas are served by inbred, gun-toting volunteers affiliated with a network of over 120,000 [[meth lab]]s nationwide.
   
 
===Choose an appropriate name===
 
===Choose an appropriate name===
   
Not every name is suitable for getting murdered. Names like Edward, Robert, John are too generic and and will significantly reduce your chances for being murdered.
+
Not every name is suitable for getting murdered. Names like Edward, Robert, John are too generic and and will significantly reduce your chances.
 
[[Image:Sam and Max.jpg|thumb|480px|right|The psychotic, hyperactive bunny Max from Sam & Max, caught in the act.]]
 
[[Image:Sam and Max.jpg|thumb|480px|right|The psychotic, hyperactive bunny Max from Sam & Max, caught in the act.]]
   
While a name of course is far from being a guarantee (in fact, many people with names like the ones listed above have only a little chance of being murdered due to other factors such as personality)it is a first step.
+
While a name of course is far from being a guarantee (in fact, many people with names like the ones listed above have more than a little chance of being murdered due to other factors such, such as personality)it is a first step.
   
 
===High school sports===
 
===High school sports===
   
This is for the hardcore! [[Rugby]] works best, HOWEVER, if you get the name 'Beckham' printed on your shirt and go play football you wont last five minutes! However it'll most likely be slow and painful. But if you're at least mildly intelligent and live in England, do not despair! Go play Arena Sodomy, and tell the other team you're from Iraq. Another sure-fire way to die!
+
This is for the hardcore! [[Rugby]] works best, HOWEVER, if you get the name 'Beckham' printed on your shirt and go play football you wont last five minutes! As a bonus, this death is also slow and painful. But if you're at least mildly intelligent and live in England, do not despair! Go play Arena Sodomy, and tell the other team you're from Iraq. Another sure-fire way to die!
   
 
===Listen to aggressive music (Grrr!)===
 
===Listen to aggressive music (Grrr!)===
   
You have to build a reputation by listening to aggressive music (Grrr!) that shows everyone how aggressive you are. Again, not every kind of music is suitable. You can listen to Techno (oontz oontz oontz Grrr!), College Rock (I have absolutely no clue what that means, however) or Rap. Note: Rap works best if you happen to be white (or at least Asian). Be sure to play your favorite music as LOUD AS POSSIBLE everywhere. in the car, at home, at school, everywhere. Do not be disturbed by angry comments by your peers.
+
You have to build a reputation by listening to aggressive music (Grrr!) that shows everyone how aggressive you are. Again, not every kind of music is suitable. You can listen to Techno (oontz oontz oontz Grrr!), College Rock (I have absolutely no clue what that means, however) or Rap. Note: Rap works best if you happen to be white (or at least Asian). Be sure to play your favorite music as LOUD AS POSSIBLE, everywhere. In the car, at home, at school, and especially in republican neighborhoods. Do not be disturbed by angry comments by your peers - this is only a sign that your strategy is working.
   
 
===Beat up the weaker (optional)===
 
===Beat up the weaker (optional)===
   
This will not benefit you directly but it will help you to lose your grasp of reality even more by thinking that you are invincible and do not have to be afraid of anyone.
+
This will not benefit you directly, in terms of being targeted for murder, but it will help you lose your grasp of reality by allowing you to think that you are invincible and do not have to be afraid of anyone.
   
===Flash your possessions on public===
+
===Flash your possessions publicly===
   
If you have expensive watches, cell phones, cars, jewelery and [[boobs]], be sure that everyone sees them. Especially the friendly people with knives standing at the corner of the street. Showing your expensive things is a way to signal how rich and therefore lovable you are. If possible, do this in badly lit places at night. You will be amazed at how many people will spontaneously approach you. The best place to show off your possesions especially cash is in down-trodden African American neighborhoods in large cities. They love to take these things from you out of the kindness of their heart; if your lucky you might get a bullet or a free knife out of the exchange.
+
If you have expensive watches, cell phones, cars, jewelry and [[boobs]], be sure that everyone sees them. Especially the friendly people with knives standing at the corner of the street. Showing your expensive things is a way to signal how rich and therefore lovable you are. If possible, do this in badly lit places, and at night. You will be amazed at how many people will spontaneously approach you. The best place to show off your possessions, especially cash, is in downtrodden African American neighborhoods and Detroit. The kind denizens of these neighborhoods take it upon themselves to relinquish you of your burdensome possessions, and if you're lucky you might just get a bullet or a free knife out of the encounter.
 
[[Image:Thfunny3po8.gif|thumb|left|This murder is the result of [[Douche|other methods]].]]
 
[[Image:Thfunny3po8.gif|thumb|left|This murder is the result of [[Douche|other methods]].]]
 
===Going to one of the following places===
 
a. Latin America
 
b. The Middle East
 
c. Africa
 
d. Detroit
 
 
*This method is most effective for white people and asians, or anyone who even appears to be white.
 
 
===Have a lot of random sex with under age people.===
 
 
Find young people and have sex with them and you are almost certain that there will be some parents knocking on your door.
 
 
Congratulation! You've just got yourself murdered!
 
 
'''''WARNING:''' chance side affects are living, surprise sodemy while incarserated, going to the hospital, baseball bat up the ass syndrome, being shanked, forced suicide, excruciating urination or eating through a tube, or charges filed against you civilly as not all children have fathers with a sac between their legs, or have a father at all. Sex with underaged people is not right for everyone. Check with your local mirror to see if you are pussy, and or fugly-ass creep. If treatment is inaffective, go to an ally and attempt to anally rape a woman with her boyfriend present.''
 
   
 
== [[HowTo:Become an Assassin|Committing Murder]] ==
 
== [[HowTo:Become an Assassin|Committing Murder]] ==
[[Image:BarbieDeath.jpg|thumb|400px|thumb|The suggested murder victim [[Barbie]] found decapitated by a shuriken at the crime scene. Ken was charged for the deed ''in absentia''.]]
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[[Image:BarbieDeath.jpg|thumb|400px|thumb|The suggested murder "victim" [[Barbie]] found decapitated by a "shuriken" at the crime scene. Ken was charged for the deed ''in abstentia''.]]
 
[[Image:StickFigures5-1.gif|thumb|right|A typical murder.]]
 
[[Image:StickFigures5-1.gif|thumb|right|A typical murder.]]
 
Murder has four distinct and individually important steps whose planning and implementation must be carefully made up minutes beforehand.
 
Murder has four distinct and individually important steps whose planning and implementation must be carefully made up minutes beforehand.
Line 77: Line 61:
 
#The End- After straggling him/her or doing anything to [[kill]] them you have to cover your clues of murder. Follow these steps if you want to slip away like a [[Metal Gear Solid|snake]]:
 
#The End- After straggling him/her or doing anything to [[kill]] them you have to cover your clues of murder. Follow these steps if you want to slip away like a [[Metal Gear Solid|snake]]:
 
[[Image:Venndiag.gif|left|thumb|A [[Venn Diagram]] for murder]]
 
[[Image:Venndiag.gif|left|thumb|A [[Venn Diagram]] for murder]]
*Step 1: Get a bag big enough for your [[victim]]s and put them inside. Remember to [[butcher|cut a piece]] of your victim's body and keep it.
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*Step 1: Get a bag big enough for your [[victim]]s and put them inside. Remember to [[butcher|cut a piece]] of your victim's body and keep it. Teeth and ears can be strung on a wire and worn as a necklace.
 
*Step 2: Put it into a backpack and [[walk]] to your trunk to put it inside.
 
*Step 2: Put it into a backpack and [[walk]] to your trunk to put it inside.
 
*Step 3: Drive at high speed to a cliff and open your [[door]], roll outside at the exact moment your car touches the edge.
 
*Step 3: Drive at high speed to a cliff and open your [[door]], roll outside at the exact moment your car touches the edge.
*Step 4: Watch as it sinks then take out a magnum and blow its fuel [[tank]].
+
*Step 4: Watch as it sinks then take out a magnum and fire directly into its' fuel [[tank]].
 
*Step 5: Now with the piece you cut off, find a house to pick on and throw the piece on the roof or something.
 
*Step 5: Now with the piece you cut off, find a house to pick on and throw the piece on the roof or something.
   
Although not necessary, the following steps are important to an arrest-free [http://www.charonboat.com/category/3 murder]:
+
Although not necessary, the following steps are important to an arrest-free murder(for those who are not indeed homeless):
 
* [[Gloves]]- Seriously, wear a pair of gloves. Don't be stupid. Even if the gloves you own aren't top notch, just slip 'em on anyway. A ten-year-old can find fingerprints, so I think Inspector Hardboiled won't have too much of a problem himself.
 
* [[Gloves]]- Seriously, wear a pair of gloves. Don't be stupid. Even if the gloves you own aren't top notch, just slip 'em on anyway. A ten-year-old can find fingerprints, so I think Inspector Hardboiled won't have too much of a problem himself.
   
Line 92: Line 76:
 
== Television Shows About Murder ==
 
== Television Shows About Murder ==
 
Several television shows deal specifically with the solving of murders. Among these are [[CBS]]'s entire primetime lineup (at least [[CSI|the shows produced by that Bruckheimer guy]]), [[Law and Order|Law & Order]], [[Law and Order|Law & Order: Special Victims Unit]], [[Law and Order|Law & Order: Criminal Intent]], [[Law and Order|Law & Order: Sex n Kids]], [[Law and Order|Law & Order: Change the Damn Channel Already]], and several other shows [[nobody cares]] about.
 
Several television shows deal specifically with the solving of murders. Among these are [[CBS]]'s entire primetime lineup (at least [[CSI|the shows produced by that Bruckheimer guy]]), [[Law and Order|Law & Order]], [[Law and Order|Law & Order: Special Victims Unit]], [[Law and Order|Law & Order: Criminal Intent]], [[Law and Order|Law & Order: Sex n Kids]], [[Law and Order|Law & Order: Change the Damn Channel Already]], and several other shows [[nobody cares]] about.
 
== Murder Elections ==
 
<div class="NavHead" style="background: #ff5555; padding:3px 20px 1px 20px; text-align:center; font-weight: bold; border-top: 3px ridge #e0e0e0; border-left: 3px ridge #e0e0e0; border-bottom: 3px groove #b0b0b0; border-right: 3px groove #b0b0b0"><div align="right" style="text-align:right; border: 3px; font-size:9px;">
 
{|
 
| Uncyclopedia editors have pledged over $1 [[trillion]] for the murder of the people on this list!<br>''All funds drawn on the Reserve Bank of [[Zimbabwe]] in local currency.<br>(All ten candidates must be killed before reward can be collected).''
 
|}
 
</div></div>
 
A few [[Communist|liberal]]s have proposed doing away with the free enterprise system of murder and replacing it with Murder Elections. To avoid vote tampering by [[evil corporations]] like [[Diebold]], they've decided to use Uncyclopedia as the free murder for hire service with vote counts that anyone can edit. So far the top ten vote counts are:
 
 
* 1587 <s>[[Osama bin Laden]]. Got into some squabble with New York City that the Democrats are still mad about.</s> After receiving enough votes, Osama was recently hell-fired.
 
* 981 [[Tina Fey]], to prevent her from disgracing the country by running again for [[Vice President]].
 
* 666 [[Mickey Mouse]]. How else are we gonna rid this world of evil? Start at the roots!
 
* 451 [[Glenn Beck]], to prevent him from [[education|propagandizing]] the public with treasonous meaningless babble.
 
* 178 [[David Letterman]]. Because you can't have a top ten list without him.
 
* 177 [[Unabomber|Ted Kaczinsky]]. Ditto.
 
* 150 The Duracell [[Bunny]]. Write in vote from the peace faction, who think we can't get the job done.
 
* 123 [[POTUS]]. I don't know who the [[fuck]] that is, except that NSDAP, NSAWP, NDDAP, and NAMBLA think that he is part of the [[Zionist|ZOG]].
 
* [[101 Dalmations]]. Because they're annoying, but they make a nice coat.
 
* 10 [[Mr winkler is GAY|English teachers]]. Because they make us feel like we <s>can't</s> don't write <s>good</s> <s>write</s> <s>rite</s> right. <s>amirite?</s>
 
* [[42]] [[Justin Bieber]]. preferably kill by ripping out his heart and show it to his dieing eyes while strangling him with his own guts
 
   
 
== See also ==
 
== See also ==
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{{crime}}
 
{{crime}}
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[[es:Asesinato]]
 
 
[[fi:Murha]]
 
[[fi:Murha]]
 
[[it:Omicidio]]
 
[[it:Omicidio]]

Latest revision as of 16:38, March 1, 2016

I&#039;ll kill your family

What a pretty little murderer! Were it said by such a pretty girl, I might forgive that my family had been killed!

Murder is a legal way to guarantee that you will never again be homeless. One who commits the act of murder will always be provided with a home, which includes four sturdy walls and a ceiling made of either steel and/or concrete. You will also be provided with free meals for the rest of your life, regardless of whether or not you choose to work. Being a murderer is actually a very valuable profession. It is one of the best things you can do for your community, another being kidnapping.

Everywhere you go, the police are out there, watching for murderers. Do not mistake their suspicious squints for dissent; they wish you no ill will, and are merely trying to determine nominees for the local life-in-prison raffle, which is kicked off every time some poor bastard bites the dust. Traits that can help nomination include Being Black, being a teenager, and having a gun and shooting the officer in the knee.

To murder is to kill someone or something, not to be confused with assassination, which only applies if the murderee is someone important, or maybe a really good chef or something. Murder is so ordinary that most people contemplate murder regularly. If it is your wish to murder someone, and you do not know many people and have no enemies, targeting a stranger may be your best bet. You should ask yourself, "Wouldn't it feel so good to wrap my hands around that person's throat and watch them gasp as their eyes roll back in their head and their soul floats away?" I think you'll make the right choice.

Bouncywikilogo2
For those without comedic tastes, the "questionable parody" of this website called Wikipedia have an article about Murder.

Murder is perceived as a virtue by the church, as it allows people to be relieved from their sins and go directly to heaven, bypassing those troublesome TSA agents in the process. While it is recommended by the church to go out and murder someone everyday, some past governments (for illogical reasons probably) frowned upon murder, a prime example being the Third Reich.

Murder is the second least survivable crime, right behind fish smuggling. Survivors (murderees) often consider pressing charges against their murderers, to cover embalming fees and those classy suits that they get to wear. Murder is a method of killing majorly attributed by internationally renowned rap group Konvix, who popularized it with their hit single Oh shit, oh shit, she's not breathing KEVIN GET THE SHOVEL.

Murder was quite famously Jack the Ripper's favourite pastime, apart from writing soppy poetry and karaoke. In works of fiction, murder is a perennial plot device, used especially heavily in thrillers such as the Winnie the Pooh series.

Scientifically speaking, murder can be defined as suicide for extroverts.

edit Murder and the law

In Australia for example, For Teh Lulz can be used as a defense for murder and/or manslaughter if it is proven that the act was committed in a particularly humorous manner. If a juror is observed laughing during a description of the act, the judge is compelled to summarily dismiss the case on these grounds. More frequently, the jury will return a finding of not guilty under these circumstances. The landmark case of Commonwealth of Australia vs. Lo Pan is the most widely cited precedent for this defense.

The World Health Organisation has recently published a phase 2 trial suggesting that murder could lead to death, so please - murder carefully.

edit How to get murdered

PainLoving

Pictured Above: Joseph Stalin's disembodied spirit manning a drilling expedition for acquisition of Grey Matter, a valuable commodity and rare resource.

Being murdered is easy! Unfortunately, due to lack of education on this topic in many countries, some people have difficulties getting murdered. Fortunately, Uncyclopedia has taken it upon itself to publish this little, hopefully helpful guide.

People who get murdered are usually the weaker people in society, for example, illegal immigrants, homeless people, and members of the Kennedy family. But murder opportunities are available to all. In the US, for instance, convenient drive-by shooting services operate in all urban centers, while rural areas are served by inbred, gun-toting volunteers affiliated with a network of over 120,000 meth labs nationwide.

edit Choose an appropriate name

Not every name is suitable for getting murdered. Names like Edward, Robert, John are too generic and and will significantly reduce your chances.

Sam and Max

The psychotic, hyperactive bunny Max from Sam & Max, caught in the act.

While a name of course is far from being a guarantee (in fact, many people with names like the ones listed above have more than a little chance of being murdered due to other factors such, such as personality)it is a first step.

edit High school sports

This is for the hardcore! Rugby works best, HOWEVER, if you get the name 'Beckham' printed on your shirt and go play football you wont last five minutes! As a bonus, this death is also slow and painful. But if you're at least mildly intelligent and live in England, do not despair! Go play Arena Sodomy, and tell the other team you're from Iraq. Another sure-fire way to die!

edit Listen to aggressive music (Grrr!)

You have to build a reputation by listening to aggressive music (Grrr!) that shows everyone how aggressive you are. Again, not every kind of music is suitable. You can listen to Techno (oontz oontz oontz Grrr!), College Rock (I have absolutely no clue what that means, however) or Rap. Note: Rap works best if you happen to be white (or at least Asian). Be sure to play your favorite music as LOUD AS POSSIBLE, everywhere. In the car, at home, at school, and especially in republican neighborhoods. Do not be disturbed by angry comments by your peers - this is only a sign that your strategy is working.

edit Beat up the weaker (optional)

This will not benefit you directly, in terms of being targeted for murder, but it will help you lose your grasp of reality by allowing you to think that you are invincible and do not have to be afraid of anyone.

edit Flash your possessions publicly

If you have expensive watches, cell phones, cars, jewelry and boobs, be sure that everyone sees them. Especially the friendly people with knives standing at the corner of the street. Showing your expensive things is a way to signal how rich and therefore lovable you are. If possible, do this in badly lit places, and at night. You will be amazed at how many people will spontaneously approach you. The best place to show off your possessions, especially cash, is in downtrodden African American neighborhoods and Detroit. The kind denizens of these neighborhoods take it upon themselves to relinquish you of your burdensome possessions, and if you're lucky you might just get a bullet or a free knife out of the encounter.

Thfunny3po8

This murder is the result of other methods.

edit Committing Murder

BarbieDeath

The suggested murder "victim" Barbie found decapitated by a "shuriken" at the crime scene. Ken was charged for the deed in abstentia.

StickFigures5-1

A typical murder.

Murder has four distinct and individually important steps whose planning and implementation must be carefully made up minutes beforehand.

  1. The Victim- If you're trying to kill something, make sure that it does not have the foggiest notion that you are going to do so. It'll help to get a good idea of the victim's habits and schedules by discretely watching them. Take note of situations where they are completely unaware of their surroundings, as that is usually when people have the highest predilection for dying.
  2. Method- All creatures die in a variety of interesting and edifying ways, but all deaths basically boil down to three things: massive blood loss, major organ failure, and/or loss of life sustaining necessities, such as water and air. So first decide how you want your intended target to perish. Be creative. Electricity is always a plus.
  3. Implements- Now that you have the will and way, you need to find a sufficient vehicle for such ends. If you want to garrote your chosen victim while it struggles helplessly beneath you, you'll want to choose a narrow, strong, and flexible item, like a well-woven rope, or a sturdy wire. Maybe poison is your cup o' tea (ha!). In that case, take a peek under the sink. Remember: Be creative!
  4. Actually doing it- Be as quick as you can. If you absolutely must say something witty, do so in your head, or at the very least whisper it into your victim's ear as they slip into the endless entropy.
  5. The End- After straggling him/her or doing anything to kill them you have to cover your clues of murder. Follow these steps if you want to slip away like a snake:
Venndiag

A Venn Diagram for murder

  • Step 1: Get a bag big enough for your victims and put them inside. Remember to cut a piece of your victim's body and keep it. Teeth and ears can be strung on a wire and worn as a necklace.
  • Step 2: Put it into a backpack and walk to your trunk to put it inside.
  • Step 3: Drive at high speed to a cliff and open your door, roll outside at the exact moment your car touches the edge.
  • Step 4: Watch as it sinks then take out a magnum and fire directly into its' fuel tank.
  • Step 5: Now with the piece you cut off, find a house to pick on and throw the piece on the roof or something.

Although not necessary, the following steps are important to an arrest-free murder(for those who are not indeed homeless):

  • Gloves- Seriously, wear a pair of gloves. Don't be stupid. Even if the gloves you own aren't top notch, just slip 'em on anyway. A ten-year-old can find fingerprints, so I think Inspector Hardboiled won't have too much of a problem himself.
  • Dispose of evidence- Having used a common item for the killing, disposal and replacement of said item is a breeze. Bodies themselves will require a pig farm, or, in a pinch, throwing them off a building shortly after shouting "No, don't jump!"

edit Television Shows About Murder

Several television shows deal specifically with the solving of murders. Among these are CBS's entire primetime lineup (at least the shows produced by that Bruckheimer guy), Law & Order, Law & Order: Special Victims Unit, Law & Order: Criminal Intent, Law & Order: Sex n Kids, Law & Order: Change the Damn Channel Already, and several other shows nobody cares about.

edit See also

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