Mr. T

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Revision as of 02:52, August 4, 2007

Bouncywikilogo2
For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article very remotely related to Mr. T.
Mrt-hs200-2

Mr. T, pitying the bouncing Wikipedia logo.


“You can pity some of the fools all of the time, and all of the fools some of the time, but only Mr. T can pity all of the fools all of the time.”
~ Plato on Mr. T's pity of all fools


“I used to like him until I realized that the word terrorist starts with a T.”
~ George W. Bush on Mr. T



Sponsored by the Samuel L. Jackson Centre for Bad Motherfuckers, Mr. T. (the "T" stands for "Teyeeighyee", pronounced as "tee" and the "Mr." is presumably either some form of anti-fool title or possibly an abbreviation for his mysterious first name that some suppose is simply "Mister") is one of the most diverse entertainers in all of the universe, and the most deadly, he can kill flowers by just staring at them. He could kill every member of your family just by looking at them. It is believed by today's most revered scientists that when god said "By the power of Greyskull, let there be light" he was speaking to Mr. T, who took off a necklace and threw it into the sky to create the sun. And after close examination of ancient texts it has been shown that due to mankind's ignorance, the original words of God were misquoted due to translations errors. The actual text of God's plea for light was as follow "Oh great and powerful Mr. T, please grant upon me the honor to serve you by allowing me to create a world in which you will let there be light." Mr. T then proceeds to leave Earth until recent times in order to fight the works of Super Mohammed McBuddha, and kill all Martians in the universe. He has starred in many major motion pictures, hosted his own talk show, starred in multiple sitcoms, guest starred on dozens of sitcoms, hosted the longest running cooking show in the history of the food network, appeared in many plays both on and off Broadway, hosted his own children's show, was the first man to actually go fuck himself (fortunately, it was on the kids show), performed stand up comedy around the world, built the pyramids, wrote most of the Satanic Bible, has written several introspective poetry tomes and epics that are commonly attributed to other authors, and even authored the New York Times crossword puzzles for nearly a decade.

He is a hero in every sense of the word except the sandwich one. He is commonly referred to as "The Patron Saint of Badass Motherfuckers." Despite his immense popularity, when his people needed him he answered the call and fought bravely alongside his fellow countrymen,and kicked some serious ass. And as the new millennium dawns, rumor has it that he has his sights set on politics.

He has had many names, such as Mr. T (duh), Mistah Tee, T or Tee, Jewelry-Man and Bling-Bling Betty (although calling him this is not advised, as he usually pities those who do).

In the United States, being pitied by Mr. T is considered a natural cause of death in 24 states. The same is true in Japan's Osaka and Kyoto prefectures.

History

The Miracle Birth of Mr. T

Mr. Twas born as Alfred Blaine Christokos, however his parents, Kika Miass and Oprah Winfrey decided that was a messed up name and changed it. From then on he was known as Andy Dwardmond, Mr. D. He was born from the ashes of the ultimate pie (Cheese) in the days after the birth of Chuck Norris, in Chicago, Illinois. It is widely believed that a satanic cult lead by Kyle Humble. was responsible for his creation but it was actually from Koko the gorilla. His birth was heralded by miraculous signs heralding joyous times, including the appearance of a new star in the sky, rain falling upon the Sahara desert for the first time in a century, and the spontaneous combustion of 3,100 mimes. He was created for one purpose, and that is: to defeat Chuck Norris because he was super gay. He succeded. At the end of the battle, Mr.D roundhouse kicked Chuck Norris, 16 letters forward in the alphabet. So in the end Mr. T defeated Chuck Norris.

Astonishingly, Mr. T was born with his pubic hair, in the same hairstyle that has been feared for millions of years. He is currently a member of YMCA. He has two brothers, George Lucas, and Lebron James.

Upbringing

Mr-t

Mr. T for president!

However, Mr. T was a troublesome of rich, buttery wolverine milk. At the age of 3 he could outperform most Olympic athletics. even while wearing 400kg of gold chains. Mr. T also had a brother known as Mr. P. He liked to "Titty the Fool!!!".

Mr. T also has a son, which leads to the explanation of his trip to Russia. "No more 'Merica womans wanted ta DO me, y'know??" In response he fled to Russia, coincidentally during the Russian Revolution. Hiding back behind a building, he saw crowds of homosexuals sprinting for their lives down the rotten streets of the USSR. Upon his present sexual obsession, he grabbed a 12-year-old communist girl fleeing the homosexuals, and claimed that "she raped me!"

The young couple fled to Paris for the nearest hospital. Nine months later Cain was literally shot out of the girl. She committed suicide at the knowledge that Cain had a gun in his hand when he was born, similar to the one Mr. T had when making love. Mr. T then renamed Cain Cain Aaron III, winning a bet that spoke against his doing of this. Cain abandoned Russia to join a Chinese Communist party, his only relevance of being related to his mother.

Shortly after discarding his child as he would an empty carton of milk, Mr. T went through a brief period of renaissance, where he enthusiastically embraced a myriad of cultural learning and activities. During this time he frequently engaged in surfing, pottery, painting, and talking pretentiously. He gained fluent use of thirteen languages and wrote a book on religious philosophy, which was the first text ever to illustrate to broader society the extent of the evil ducks empire that had permeated throughout the world.

After a week of this life had passed, Mr. T happened to stumble upon a wounded van by the side of the road. Moved out of pity, Mr T stopped to repair the medium-sized transport vehicle. He lovingly replaced its tires, and even polished it, despite the blazing heat. Sunburned, and layered in sweat, Mr T stood back in awe of the van he had made new. It gleamed with an intangible power, and it stood before him in a stance befitting a warrior of god-given might. Tired by his hours of work, Mr. T drove the vehicle back home. Its engine roared and its wheels tore eagerly at the ground. Finally Mr T had met his one and only equal, aside from Chuck Norris of course, who would forever remain his nemesis. He threw away his artwork, burned his writings, and shaved his hair with a shard of glass, save for a strip of hair, which he left as a mark of the time he veered off the path of empowerment, of the time he became a fool. From that day he has been living a life of retribution, some call it an immortal crusade, bringing the divine hand of pity unto the fools of the world. Over the years he has gained many allies in his quest.

It is also a known fact that Mr. T doesn't get on "no plain", yes you read it correctly, "plain". Ever since he was a child he would run through fields until one day he tripped over a root vegetable, believed to be a potato. After this scarring experience, Mr T will never go anywhere near farms or the countryside.

After becoming a children's T.V presenter and having an extreme urge to sing through every single episode, he gave up wearing gold, but thankfully, only for a while. He also started talking normally. For example instead of saying "I ain't gettin' on no plain!" he now says in proper English vocalisation: "I refuse to obey, as I have a very well justified phobia of large, open, grassy plains"

Mr. T also happens to despise the K.K.K, and once attempted to burn them with his radiant skin (because of Philip Pullman's 'special' cream. All he did was manage to remove their robes, and realised that Chris Rock AND Samuel L. Jackson (the Hindu one) were members of the H.S.E.F (Ham Sandwich Eaters Forum).

The Rise of Bizarro T

But, some time later, a youth center was destroyed and Mr. T was the prime suspect. T was then confronted by an alternate and disfigured version of himself, Bizarro T! Bizarro T wore a pair of glasses with a plastic nose, he had an afro and a clock around his neck. He spoke in what Mr. T could only described as "Jibba Jabba" eg. "I commensurate the imbecile that underestimates my might!" an epic battle then began! the two charged at each other, causing an atomic explosion, luckily, they were fighing in in New Jersey.

The battle raged on through the night, when eventually, the real T emerged tripumpahnt. He then proceeded to throw Bizarro T helluva far (he ended up crashing into the Eifel Tower). Bizarro's only reaction to this was: "Zounds! That Mr. T can propel large objects incomparably long distances!" in a cliffhanger twist, it was revealed that Megatron had infact, hired Bizarro T for the job!

Mr. T's Underwater House

Much debate surrounds Mr.T and the rumor of his either past or present underwater home. Some leading scientists say its not possible to live underwater, but these scientists have been some of the same that have said that Mr. T Doesn't exist. Several surf bums, homosexuals, over-weight sales representives as well as Joaquin Phoenix have claimed that they have witnessed Mr. T slipping into a wet suit then putting his gold chains on over it as he boards a dolphin-powered chariot to carry him to his sub-sea habitat. Wolf Blitzer reported in august of 2005 that Dr. Charlie Mazel, one of the leading scientists that was researching the tittanic began an expedishun in search of Mr. T's home. But in early 2006 Wolf reported the sad news that he been devoured by an underwater bear. This spawned rumors that Mr. T has his home guarded by geneticly altered animals such as lions, bears, wolves and otters and teletubbies. The wax museum over what fans have believed Mr. T's home to look like is located in Erwin, Tennessee and gets an average of 70000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 tourists a year. Their Old tales and fables that are told on holloween eve about Mr. T's Underwater home (also know as the T's water pad). These are tales of Mr.T's wars with the Crab King of the Crabton Empire. It is said that he was able to eat over 20,0000000000045 crab warriors in one 3 hour period. These wars have come to be know as the Crab Wars. He was also able to rope the king and ride him onto Pearl Beach in south L.A. This act was seen by thousands and a statue of the event is being erected out of candy.

Mr.T and "The Fool"

The days in which Mr. T lived as a struggling playwright saw the rise of extreme animosity between himself and the much more popular William "Bad Azz Mofo" Shakespeare. Mr. T was still searching for the one big idea which embodied his pure badassness, while Shakespeare held raving parties, danced with naked women on Mr. T's front lawn and ordered pizzas in T's name while NOT leaving a tip. Mr. T could not seem to overcome the evil powers of Shakespeare, until the ill-fated play "King Lear" was published under Shakepseares name. So awful was the character of 'The Fool' in the play that Mr. T laughed for an enitre year, a laugh that ruptured the Earth's crust forming what would later be known as the tectonic plates, and excalimed "I pity the Fool" a remark that caused Shakespeare's head to implode due to the shear quantity of badass pitying it endured. The phrase instantly rocketed Mr. T to the role he holds today; Supreme High Overlord of the Moon.

Early Stabs at Fame

Besides continuing his standup career, with the help of his agent,a man known only as 'Sweet Sugar Johnson', Mr. T. began to expand his entertainment resume. He recorded a demo tape one night and somehow it got in the hands of some powerful record executives in Nashville, and later that year the album Merle Haggard and Mr. T Sing the Songs of Hank Williams Sr. went gold and rose to number 14 on the charts.

This early success opened many other doors, and T. was approached by execs at the newly formed Food Network to do a cooking show and by the end of the year, 30 Minute Gagh was a number 1 prime time hit (and holds the record for longest running cooking show). Eager to use his growing celebrity for educational purposes he quickly went to work writing, directing, performing and producing The First Rite of Assention (with Klingon subtitles), The Second Rite of Assention (with Klingon subtitles) and The Third Rite of Assention (with Klingon subtitles). It was during this time that T. released his first exercise video, I Pity Those Abs to rave reviews and his long running game show Stump the Fool first went on the air.

He also became an established television actor, initially on the less than well received reality show Baby Police Chief (which many critics point to as his true coming out party) and later to much greater accolades in B. A. Baracus, Attorney at Law.

Mr. T the Mega Star

Now that he was an established A-list celebrity, the sky was the limit for Mr. T. He began hosting his emmy award winning late night talk show Late-Nite Jibba-Jabba and began making many influential and famous friends. He was given the lead role in the drama series Suburban Bodybuilder and also in the documentary comedy Two Guys, Mr. T, and a Pizza Place.

Food Network rewarded T. with a second show on their network, I Pity the Fool Who Don't Like Bloodwine and a second exercise video, Mr. T's All-Star Gold Chain Workout solidified his claim as intergalactic celebrity.

Throughout his career he had appeared in minor roles in motion pictures, but by and large that industry remained as the one medium that Mr. T. had yet to conquer. However, his courageous portrayal of Mo Hawk in the film The Man With the Golden Chain and as the suspiciously curious Clubber Lang in Clubber Lang in...The Assassin, he once again proved to the universe that no area of celebrity was outside his grasp.

Assassination Attempt

David Hasselhoff & Gary Coleman

Just before the assassination attempt.

On August 11th 1983, at the height of The A-Team's success, David Hasselhoff and Gary Coleman attempted to assassinate Mr. T. They were fed up with Mr. T's show being more popular than their's. They decided to strike while Mr. T was eating his Cheeto's. Too bad they didn't know Cheetos gave Mr. T (and all black people) super human strength. When Hasselhoff threw Coleman through Mr. T's trailer door, Mr. T caught him, and preceded to bite Coleman's penis off. (An event which would cause Coleman to attack forty-year-old women who would dare ask him for his autograph.) David fired off a few rounds at Mr. T, but only managed to hit Mr. T's bag of Cheeto's. Infuriated, Mr. T called Hasselhoff a "fool", and took a shit right in his mouth. (This is rumored to be the cause of Hasselhoff's shitty singing career.)

Inventory/Trademarks

Mr. T is helluva tough, so he has a wide variety of attacks and signature moves. A list is as follows.

  • Pity: Mr. T’s most commonly used move. Often used in conjunction with his catchphrase “I pity the foo'!”. His pity has been known to on its own be responsible for many of his actions, as he can use his pity to do just about anything he wants. He can pity someone to kill them, he can pity someone to cure them of disease, he even was once seen pitying a shopping trolley which caused it to suddenly drive off down the store and do his groceries.
  • Throwing: As seen in his documented adventures on the entirely factual database Mr. T vs everything, a throw from Mr. T is approximately the equivalent of a roundhouse kick delivered by Chuck Norris. Mr. T can throw people helluva far, and often in slow motion.
  • Gold Chains: Mr. T’s gold chains are more then just a fashion accessory; they are an extension of Mr. T himself. His gold chains are amongst, if not the, strongest material in the universe. They have many mysterious miraculous and almost paranormal properties which are unknown to most mortal men, and are part of what is responsible for his superhuman strength as they weigh more than one thousand suns.
  • Mohawk: There are many theories as to why Mr. T has his Mohawk. Some think the eighties never left for Mr. T, where as others think that Mr. T’s hair is so scared of him that it all gathered at the top of his head and stood up right in an attempt to get away from him. Of course, if Mr. T just simply likes that hair style, nobody will ever say otherwise if they value their life.
  • 1982 GMC Custom Van: His van is helluva fast foo! He aint getting on no plane!
  • T-Fu: Less commonly known is his personal Martial Art, T-Fu, simply because he very rarely has to use it, since simply pitying foo's and throwing people helluva far is usually more than sufficient. No mere mortal living has EVER claimed mastery of T-Fu, and if they tried to, Mr.T would undoubtely pity the foo' so hard as to kill them and remove any evidence they ever existed.

The Question of Popularity: Why Mr. T?

According to studies at Cambridge University, Mr. T is generally considered, among modern philosophers, God. The whole point of Mr. T is, in the words of Jacques Derrida: "He's great, just because he's Mr. T. If Mr. T came in here right now and made a moving, grunted speech about how we all had to help him save the local library from some bad property developers who wanted to knock it down and build a bad casino, we'd ALL DO IT. Why? BECAUSE HE'S MR. T, DAMMIT!" At this point Derrida famously got out his miniature replica of the van shown in The A-Team, and began driving it across his desk, while making engine noises.

And by the way, you should deffo read the wikipedia on T too. He's just as funny as anything on this page in real life.

Mr. T's Acting Career

File:Play.gif
MrTcrazy

Mr. T likes to break it down every once-in-a-while.

In the turbulent 1980's, Mr. T's job was to beat up people and yell. Also, for a brief period of time, Mr. T was a camel riding Jewish monkey soldier (see illustration on right). But that didn't last long, so Mr. T decided to go into acting. He played the following famous roles:

Filmography

  • Star Trek : The Wrath of Rick Moranis ..... Mr. Spock, Worf, a banjo, and various other characters
  • Romeo and Juliet ..... Hamlet
  • Blade Trilogy ..... Blade
  • Boogie Nights ..... Dirk Diggler
  • All seven Rocky movies ..... Apollo Creed
  • Terminator 2: Judgment Day..... Mr. T-1000
  • King Kong ..... Apollo Creed
  • Godzilla ..... Mr. T
  • Taxi Driver ..... D.C. Cab
  • The Pokemon Movie: Mewtwo Strikes Back ..... a cactus
  • Star Wars ..... Luke Skywalker
  • Office Space ..... Milton Waddams
  • The Gay Team ..... B.A. Maracas
  • Critically acclaimed documentary T For Vendetta: Himself
  • X-Men ..... Professor Xavier
  • The Good, the Bad and the Ugly ..... One of those three guys from The Good, the Bad and the Ugly
  • Apollo 13 ..... Tom Hanks (uncredited)
  • The Green Mile ..... John Coffee
  • Shrek 1 & 2 & the Third ..... Shrek
  • The A-Team ..... B.A. Baracus
  • Boys in the Gecko ..... Johnny wilkinson
  • Final Fantasy 7 ..... Barret Wallace
  • Hannibal ..... Hannibal
  • GTA: San Adreas ..... That bloke out of GTA San Andreas
  • Gorillas in the Mist ..... A Gorilla
  • GTA: Vice City ..... That bloke out of GTA Vice City (He had to wear a little makeup)
  • That bloke off the telly (You know who)
  • The Davinci Code ..... Detective 3
  • The AAA-Team ..... G.M. Baracus
  • American Pie ..... The Girl Next Door (It was a special lense)
  • Pong: The Movie ..... Pong
  • Mercenary For Hire ..... John Steele
  • Bouncer ..... "Tiny" Barstow
  • Boob Patrol II ..... Sgt. Gabe "Hands" Roper
  • Shotgun Fury ..... Logan Ironwood
  • Schindler's List ..... Itzhak Stern
  • Boob Patrol ..... Sgt. Gabe "Hands" Roper
  • Sucka Fool ..... Crazy Guy in Parking Lot
  • Tough Streets ..... Street Tough #2
  • Wedding Crashers..... that butler guy
  • Predator..... The predator
  • Top Secret!..... Chocolate Mousse
  • "Chicken Run..... That one chicken
  • Mr.T Vs. Unicron Vs. Chuck Norris..... As Himself and that one dinobot fool
  • Mr. T and Tina ..... Mr. T
  • Juan in Vietman..... Mr Happy smiles
  • ET..... the T
  • Les Misérables..... Inspector Javert
  • Man of La Mancha..... the Windmill
  • 8 Mile..... Jimmy Smith, Jr.
  • Juan's early days..... Mr.T worked along side juan in this crime/romance/comedy/pornography chick flick
  • Snakes On A Plane (also known as motherfucking snakes on a motherfucking plane)..... Anaconda (Cameo apperance)
  • Star Wars III Revenge of the fool..... Mr.T
  • Harper Valley PTA..... Tonto's homey C

Other appearances

  • He was featured in an Alvin and the chipmunks episode in which Mr. T. helped them recover a watch from some neighborhood bullies in the episode: "The C-Team".
  • In 1992 Mr. T was to be the main character in the arcade game, Mortal Kombat. However he was later taken out after it was realised that none of the other character's attacks could hurt him. There was also the problem that he kept having sex with the 3 ninja girls, at the same time. This confused the programmers, as they had not written any sort of code for that yet. More over, the Mr. T character seemed to move independent of the controller. Mr. T later explained this to them, with "You can't control T."
  • Mr. T starred in the highly successful 'Final Fantasy 7', in which he used his powerful throw to defeat the effeminately evil Sepiroth in a blaze of deadly lens flare effects.

Musical career

Mr. T in 1984 released a rap album titled Mr. T's Bold textTen Commandments much in the same tone as his 1984 educational video which instructs children to stay in school and to drink as much milk as humanly possible.


Track listing:

  1. "Mr. T's Commandment" (5:01)
  2. "Don't Talk To Strangers" (5:12)
  3. "The Toughest Man in the World" (3:55)
  4. "(He Was Made For Love)" (3:22)
  5. "The One and Only Mr. T" (4:47)
  6. "No Dope No Drugs" (4:20)
  7. "Milk (SAVE SOME FOR ME!)" (1:32)
  8. "You Got To Go Through It" (4:28)
  9. "Stay Away From My Bins" (43:18)
  10. "I ain't get on no plane" (69:27)
  11. "I pity the fool" (9999:9999)

If you point out that there are 11 tracks, Mr. T will administer a severe pitying. The eleventh track being the track "Mother" the video to which was leaked on many popular websites.

Mr. T in popular culture

Teeism

MrT-stained-glass

All hail Mr. T, prime god and saviour!

Worship of Mr. T is known as Teeism and followers are known as Teeists. The central belief of Teeists is that Mr. T is wise, righteous and all powerful, while they are only ignorant wretches. Only by acknowledging this ignorance- admitting that they are, in fact, lowly mortal fools- will the all-powerful Mr. T be moved to grant them his pity. The central proof of Teeism is:

Premise 1: God is infinite forgiveness
Premise 2: In order to forgive us, He must first pity us
Premise 3: Human folly is universal: we are all fools
Premise 4: Mr. T pities all fools
Therefore: Mr. T is God. We are all pitied.

Mr. T on Uncyclopedia

MrT
Stop hand "Total number of fools Mr. T has pitied" Stop hand
432,654,234,122,433,236,786,456,654,322.2^12³ and 1 and Sarah
Mr. T asserts his God-given authority in his quest to keep Uncyclopedia foo' and crap free.


Mr. T has taken a personal interest in editing Uncyclopedia, and you'll see his hand in keeping Uncyclopedia running every time you see the "rewrite" tag, which he places personally. Mr. T has his own unique, "hands-on" style of editing. If an article isn't improved within a week, he'll hop in his van, track down the writers, and pummel them to within an inch of their life. He will then rip off a piece of the offender's gold-plated jewelry and add it to his own. If the offender doesn't have a piece of gold-plated jewelry then it is unknown, as no-one (not even Mr. T, but of course Mr. T transcends death, simply pitying it.) has survived to tell the tale.

The Apocryphal Legend of Mr. T, the Friendly Alien!

In the year 1977 a meteor crashed down to earth and killed all the dinosaurs. And out of that meteor came Mr. T. Mr. T pity'd us foo's and decided to stay to educate us on the way of his people.

Mr. T the Friendly Alien is known to drive a black van. He claims he can drive faster than anything else in it. He can travel through space and time and relative dimensions in his van. Unlike that other Friendly Alien Doctor Who, Mr. T does not take any crap and has been known to fight back. In fact, if you were ever foolish enough to get into a fight with Mr. T, there would only be two hits: Mr. T hitting you, and you hitting the surface of the Sun. It is interesting to note that no matter what time, direction, place, or universe he would hit you in, you would always hit the sun. It has also been theorized that the Laws of Physics obey Mr. T, rather than the other way around. T's other main achievement was setting up the Most annoying creature ever award soicety. T's used to eat chicken at wall mart witch used to give him rashes from eating the skin on the chicken and would make T, go agro and go on crazy bush walks to find chuck norris's shower buddy eddie

Mr. T Breakfast Cereal

Starting in Los Angelas, California in the year 1979, during the depression, a startling new product would take brekfast community by storm! In such troubling times Mr. T and his colleague Guteburg discovered they could find sustenance by eating small nuggets of berries Mr. T had horded away while in Africa. The idea for Mr. T's Breakfast Cereal was born.

In 1982, hard times were a-coming, and Mr. T's primary markets in America, western Europe, Egypt, the Congo, the Mediterranean, the Yucatan Peninsula, Yggdrasil, Ancient Chiner, Jesuztown, Lemuria, and Belgium, grew bored of such a gimmick. The solution was to be found in the sequel to the cereal-- Baracca O's.

The production of both ceased on January 8th, 1987, due to a freak smelting accident, which killed many fools, whom Mr. T all pitied.

Fools Pitied by Mr. T

see main article List of Pitied Fools

Some historians have taken up on Mr. T unofficial biographer Rupert "Howling Mad" Murdoch's suggestion about possible origins of Mr. T's sense of the pitiability of fools. It is known, as Murdoch points out, that early on Mr. T lived amid the outbreak of undead zombies. Using his trademark fighting styles, which include grunts, fisticuffs and the launching of adversaries over his head, he defeated the zombies before the outbreak could be spread. Amid the melee, some of the survivors he was defending saw in the zombies their relatives and friends, and Mr. T began to pity both the zombies he was decimating and the survivors he was protecting. It is not known if 'fool' connotes either the incontinent and mute zombies or the foolishness of those survivors.

Mr. T vs. Chuck Norris

Mr.T once had a cancer. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Mr.T no longer has cancer. Do the math. It is obvious that Mr. T has made Chuck Norris cry. Well, it turns out that this is, in fact, factual, however this phenomenon was not by force (as they are longtime Kappa Kappa Kappa fraternity brothers). Instead, it was spurred by one of T's extremely moving interpretive dances. This one in particular involved peacock feathers, bringing the dance's levels of both beauty and emo-ness to a level of infintesimality, which is the only level of emotion that is capable of releasing Chuck's tears from his diamond-plated ducts. Some of this miracle man-juice of anti-malignance splashed into Mr. T's then exposed bellybutton, instantly and completely curing the cancer within him.

Embarrassed with the proceedings, a new and strange feeling for the great Norris, Chuck started hyperventilating and flailing all three of his arms about in a circular motion. After nearly 48 hours of this uncharacteristic behavior, he inadvertently stumbled on a nearby house, leading one of Chuck's flailing fists to land inside Mr. T's Pringles can-sized pee-hole. What occurred next has since, and will forever, appear in the first 2-3 chapters of every history textbook in Universe 2; Mr. T pitied Chuck Norris. Holy mackerel.

Mr. T once pitied a fool so bad that the fool cried until he had no more tears left. This fool was Chuck Norris. For the 100,007,456,445,654,654 Omnichromnian years (T's summer vacation planet) following the initiation of this tear drought, Chuck had an unquenched thirst for tears, which is obvious, man. WTF? Subsequently, he made nightly soups from the tears of small children, gophers, and Terminator, which he consumed with lots of black pepper for taste. Chuck finally received his much sought-after chance for revenge in 1869 when Mr. T hungraliciously went to a McDonald's that Norris just so happened to be a third-shift manager at. Being a big fan, Ronald McDonald greeted Mr. T at the door with a hug and a baseball ass-slap. What occurred next proved to be the most violent beating of a clown ever recorded in human, but not Omnichromnian, history. Chuck Norris, now overwhelmingly upset over dually being de-runged from his previously held record for beating up Pennywise the Dancing Clown and being pitied to the point of tearlessness, finally challenged Mr. T to a duel.

They traveled to the only safe place in the universe, the beginning of time. If they were to fight each other anywhere else, everyone in Asia would die. They bowed to each other and Chuck launched in with his famous roundhouse kick. Unprecedented, Mr. T blocked the kick, and the resulting pressure wave is commonly called the Big Bang. Mr. T then punched Chuck Norris at the exact moment he roundhouse kicked Mr. T in the chest. The result was the 80's (and we ALL lost on that one). Then, in the flurry of the battle, Mr. T's gold chains touched Chuck Norris' hatchet wound. This created Heaven. Finally, after fighting for 14 millennia, Chuck Norris went Super Saiyan and used Kamehameha. This created Hell. The attack missed Mr. T, but it was so awesome that they forgot all about their fight and resolved their issues with one another. Chuck Norris and Mr. T. have remained friends since. Kinda like the USA and Japan.

Mr. T vs. England

In the year 2005, Mr. T took a trip to London. Once there, he was apalled that one of the local customs was "Tea Time". Citing improper use of his name and his favourite beverage, malk, Mr. T pitied everything from Big Ben to Parliament until the economy crashed, at which point he legally bought the rights to saying "It's T Time." To say that quote now would incur royalties. And nobody wants to be in debt to Mr. T.

Mr. T vs. Mobile Phone Company

Currently Mr. T is taking legal action against mobile phone giant .T..Mobile.. for breaking copyright law. His popular range of child pacifiers having been in production for years now.

Mr. T vs. Bobobo-bo-bobo-bo

This happened directly after Bobobo said "That's because, you ain't in Kansas anymore, foo'!" Mr. T heard this from his local youth centre and immeadieatly came running to see who had used his trademark of pitying foo's!

Bobobo saw this as a chance to live his lifelong dreamof becoming more powerful than Mr. T. The battle raged on for several days of Nosehairs and Pitying, but eventually, Bobobo fought him to a draw. Bobobo is one of the few people to have done this, and is often contreversially dubbed Mr. T's equal.

Other fools

Rumors about Mr. T being involved with Ürk-people

It is actually a fact that Mr. T pitties fools on an organisation called the Ürk-people. This great organiszation, led by the famous Jossy has always seen Mr. T as a valuezable teammember. When Pingu and Stalin were having beef, Mr. T was almost becomming the leader of Ürk-people. However, Jossy stayed in power.


Mr. T rumoured to be involved in Tupac Shakur's death

When Mr. T's Chee-Tohs were missing, former US presidents Clinton and Bruce Campbell pointed out to Mr. T that they suspected it was Tupac Shakur who had eaten them. Mr. T chased Tupac Shakur in his van, confronted him at a traffic light and after Shakur pointedly denied having eaten the said Chee-Tohs, Mr. T noticed that Tupac's fingers were orange (from Chee-Toh dust). Shakur then mentioned in passing that 'we all gotta be soldiers in this game of life 'n death'. This infuriated Mr. T and as a result, Mr. T whipped out his 12 Guage Manual NYPD-Commission Shotgun and stabbed Tupac Shakur to death and then escaped in his van by pushing it - his desire to save the environment is commendable.

However, police deny that they consider Mr. T a suspect and it's highly unlikely that even if they do, they wont bother to capture him. Unconfirmed reports suggest that Mr. T is infact an NYPD hitman and is in the pay-roll of Notorious B.I.G. who is an NYPD sympathiser. More reports from the accounting sector of Wall-Mart suggest that Tupac Shakur was in fact a volunteer for the Black People's Volunteer Fire Fighters Brigade of New York (BPCFFBNY) a subsidary of the NYFD. Hence as a result, the entire chirade has been called by the New York mayor Borat, 'A turf war within New York between Police forces and Fire Brigade forces'. So far, the only FBI agent (the FBI were summoned because NYPD forces were deemed biased) who tried to apprehend Mr. T, namely inspector Roderick Ryan Aaron Meshuggah Decker Malone, was unable to catch up with Mr. T's van. When questioned about this, mayor Sarah Mod Rocked Star said: "Well punk, you just made my day, what did you expect, no one can catch Mr. T in his van because his van is fast". At that time, Mr. T stuck his head around the corner and shouted: "Not just fast you fool, it's HELLUVA fast!".

On top of this, Mr. T is known to be more inclined to toss and/or pity fools, not blast them with his NYPD commissioned shotgun. The police have also fingered Master Chief, and Courtney Love. However, as far as suspects are concerned, Gordon Freeman, Santa Claus, and Lindsay Lohan are currently under investigation. Initial autopsies have indicated that kittens were not involved.

The Children of Mr. T

Mr. T is rumoured to have fathered 1008456 children, with 55 1/2 different women (one was a midget named Oprah). Most of whom grew up looking like him. When they were children, they were routinely forced to listen to Mr. T's rap album, instead of a night time story. Mr. T does get upset when they come home with bad grades on their report cards. "I pity da fu who comes home with an F, instead of a T.". If you ask about their mothers, the children will all just look into the air while repeating the lyrics to Mr. T's number one hit "Treat your mother right".Intergolactial Terrorist Tiger Woods is one of Mr. T's children

Mr. T is Revealed To Be Genetic Scientist

Recently, the genius of Mr. T was lauded once more as former child actors Gary Coleman and Emmanuel Lewis who played Webster were found to be clones created from the genetic material of Mr. T. When asked for comment, Mr. Coleman replied "Whatchoo Talkin' 'Bout Willis?"

Facts

  • He Wrestles for the WWE
  • He pities 'da foo', whoever that may be.
  • He is a member of the IRA
  • In 2002, he opened a hair salon called "I Pretty da Foo!"
  • M. Night Shamalynonianlimaman (spelling?) is his brother.
  • Mr. T version 2.0 will be released sometime next eternity
  • It is well known that he has captured four Grues
  • He has a power level over nine-thoussaaaaaannd!”
  • He is a devout believer in The Space Pope. Though pities his banjo playing skillz.
  • He pities fools ALL the time, and doesn't even care!
  • His weapons include: bling, milk, the A-Team Van, and a razor sharp beard hair of Chuck Norris.
  • Built Center Park during the 1960s.

What people are saying about Mr. T

“I pity this fool.”
“Reports of me pitying fools have been greatly exaggerated.”
“I pity them fools.”
~ Mr. T on Dead People
“I have here in my hand a list of two hundred and five fools that were known to the Secretary of State as being fools and who nevertheless are still working and shaping the policy of the State Department.”
~ Mr. T on Fools in the Government
“I pity da fool that drinks milk without 7-up!”
~ Mr. T on Anyone
“He's my mutha fuckin fatha!!”
“Shut the hell up ya cute little bitch!”
~ Mr. T on Babies
“Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and I pity the foo'.”
~ Mr. T on Valentine's Day
“I have so believed that this fool is indeed worthy of my sympathy.”
~ Mr. Tea on fool
“I'm WAY better than him!”
~ Nobody on Mr. T
“I pity the foo' who don't pity the foo'!”
~ Mr. T on Anti-Foo-Pitting Foo'
“He stole my van and my theme tune.”
~ Juan on Mr.T
“I like, totally hate Mr T. He's like eeeeew.”
“It was amazing! He just ripped her head clean off with his gold chain!”
~ Witness to the death of Paris Hilton
“I pity the foo' who gets into his plane”
~ Mr. T on John Denver
“On Behalf of all of us we would like to thank him for having Pity”
~ Fools on Mr T
“Enough of this jibba-jabba”
~ Mr. T on This Article
“He owes me 10 dollars but he would stomp my face in if I brought it up. ”
~ Oscar Wilde on Mr. T
“In Soviet Russia, the fool pities YOU!!”
~ Russian Reversal on Mr. T
“You going' down, bitch!”
~ Mr. T on Russian Reversal
“We have tried to clone him, but two Mr. T's would cause great unbalance”
~ George Lucas on Mr. T
“He broke my Keyblade, the motha' fucka'! I hope someone pities him...”
~ Lord Sora on being pitied by Mr. T
“I have tried to send Mr. T to hell, but he just beat the crap out of Satan. I will let him live for 500 more years, when I can deal with it more personally”
~ God on Mr. T
“Believe in yourself, drink your school, stay in drugs, and don't do milk!”
~ Mr. T

Further reading

See also

External Links



The six Magic Mystery Rangers
With the power to unleash the Rosie O'Donnell Mark 2,
and kick Ultra Jesus' butt
Mr. T: Ultra Magic Mystery Ranger Magical Magic Mystery Ranger: Harry Potter
Godzilla: Über Magic Mystery Ranger Spoiled Bitch Magic Mystery Ranger: Paris Hilton
Captain Crunch: Well Balanced Breakfast Magic Mystery Ranger Robot Magic Mystery Ranger: Optimus Prime


Preceded by:
Oscar Wilde
Supreme Pitier of Fools
Current incumbent



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Scientist
Alert: Snowball's chance of greatness

A recent exhaustive study at the Massachusettes Institute of Technology has determined that the nature of its topic dooms this article to a perpetual state of mediocrity. Submitters should take heart that they've steered it clear of a worse fate. And hey, even snow has no reason to give up. Um, right? . . . Frosty?


In their cold-hearted pessimism, scientists would also like to remind you that unicorns do not exist, climate change threatens to destroy civilization, and excessive cowbell is far more likely to cause disease than cure it.

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