Mr. Roboto

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Robot


“i-ll b-ee ba-ck”
~ arnold schwartzerobot on stuff

Mr. Roboto was the name given to a robot, created by the mentally insane DR-DOS to help him create an empire from a cheese grater. After DR-DOS was captured by Bill Gates, he helped him escape, but then, soon after a disagreement with DR-DOS over British humour, ran away from the Birmingham, Idaho Cottage Cheese Factory in which he lived. His efforts to form his own rock band "The Junkyard Wars" were mostly met with derision; however, his never-give-up attitude and his portrayal as an unlucky victim soon shot him to fame and fortune.

The "Missing Period", and what Followed

Even the best historians are unsure exactly where Mr. Roboto went and what he did between when he left Idaho and 1980. However, on March 12, 1980, he, along with three other robots he had built himself, appeared at a lonely suburb in modern-day San Jose, California and suddenly began to rock out on electric guitars. The people there, not at all used to such amounts of rock, soon complained of symptoms ranging from abundant earwax and gas to death. To save their city, the king of San Jose, Markwell Finkerbottom, ordered an airstrike that destroyed the three unknown robots and the guitars, but not Mr. Roboto, who was across town buying beef jerky. Distraught over the deaths he had caused, Mr. Roboto became more and more emo, never again to rock out as he had in that San Jose suburb. His songs badly received, he announced on April 8, 1982 that he would never sing publicly again.

It should be noted that tough the "Missing Period" is called such, nobody important to this whole article story thing got pregnant.

Styx and Mr. Roboto

Inspired by the sad story of Mr. Roboto, the band Styx, released the sonnet "Mr. Roboto" on September 14, 1982 (later re-released as "Doctor Roboto" in the same year on December 2.). This song told the story of Mr. Roboto's life. Sadly, the song was not very well received, and by that, I mean people hated it, some Christain groups burning the albums, proclaiming that only Satan and Oprah could cause such copious amounts of suck. The song was also indirectly responsible for one of the greatest injustices of our time: from this song, Al Gore got the idea to enslave the robot population. However, in the past years, the song has gathered a cult following with the opinion that there is, in fact, a deeper message within the song, probably about the meaning of life, or God, or pregnancy or something like that.

An Explanation of the Song

Kitty robot1

Homo sex-i-cat-o, Mr. Roboto. Homo? Homo. Homo? Homo.

First, Styx thanks Mr. Roboto for rocking out, then, by means of an example, illustrates that such rocking out to people from an uneducated town such as San Jose is as foreign as the Japanese language to normal people. ("Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto,/Mata ah-oo hima de") Styx then kicks aside the then-current rumor that Mr. Roboto was actually Ringo Starr in a robot suit. ("You're wondering who I am; machine or mannequin") Next, Styx sings about Mr. Roboto's sentient nature; at the time, most people assumed that if Mr. Roboto was a robot, he must have been controlled by someone ("My heart is human, my blood is boiling, my brain IBM"). Afterwards, his years of being controlled by DR-DOS are described ("I'm just a man whose circumstances went beyond his control/Beyond my control; we all need control"). At this point, however, Styx ran out of things to sing about, and, under the influence of kittens, began to make random shit up.

Still, that Roboto Dude Totally Left a Legacy

In 1992, the Barenaked Ladies tried singing about Mr. Roboto in their song "The King of Bedside Manor", but could only get as far as the "ster" in "Mr." before stopping for a cigarette break. Later that year the song was found to have been adapted by a race of Giant Space Beetles as their national anthem.

In 2002, Austin Powers revealed that he would've never amassed such an amount of gold nuggets had he not have had that "Mr. Roboto" song stuck in his head; according to Powers, the song temporarily drove him mad, forcing him to dig like crazy until he accidentally struck a vein of gold.

In 2004, a group of English and American dodgeballers, inspired by the same song, formed "The Englerican Domo Arigatos", which rose quickly to the number one spot, or something.

In a country-wide poll in Japan, it was revealed that the song "Mr. Roboto" was the most popular. However, the Japanese are crazy.

In 1998, Seth Green, Adam Sandler, and Jim Carrey formed the Robotos, attempting to revive Mr. Roboto's rocking-outness. However, the three quickly ran out of songs and officially disbanded in 2005.

In 1994, Mr. Roboto's only son, Alpha 5, died in captivity, thus finishing off the Roboto Legacy. However, R2 D2, Alpha's buddy, attempted to continue the legacy of Mr. Roboto.

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