Mr. Falcon
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Mr. Rupert "Stretch" Armstrong Falcon III was a network censor responsible for editing the dialogue of popular films when broadcast on television, in order to make them safer for children who would undoubtedly become drug users and murderers if obscene language fell upon their innocent ears. Falcon was hired by the networks to edit out the offending language and replace it with alternate dialogue. He was remarkable for his ability to substitute an obscenity with a word that was offensive to nobody and always made absolutely perfect sense, and to imitate the voice of any actor with no less than 23% accuracy.
Falcon died tragically in 1997, succumbing to breast cancer. On his deathbed, he dictated his Last Will and Testament to his stepson, Bill Nye the Science Guy, saying, "This mothertrucking disease has gotten the best of me. Please distribute my money and assets evenly among my family, except my brother, O.J. Simpson. What that disgusting slug in a ditch did was complete bullspit, and he deserves nothing of mine."
Listed below are some of his most memorable works:
| Original Line | Edited Line | Film |
| "Yippee ki yay, motherfucker." | "Yippee ki yay, my friend. | Die Hard |
| "You son of a bitch." | "You scumbum." | Smokey and the Bandit |
| "Those motherfuckers." | "Those other funsters." | Lethal Weapon |
| "You son of a bitch." | "You slug in a ditch." | Back to the Future |
| "Yippee ki yay, motherfucker." | "Yippee ki yay, Mr. Falcon." (a nod to his own work) | Die Hard 2 |
| "This is a real fucking gun." | "This is a real firing gun." | Lethal Weapon |
| "Choose your eternity? Choose your own, you fag." | "Choose your eternity? Choose your own, you fool." | Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey |
| "You racist motherfucker." | "You racist melon farmer." | Die Hard with a Vengeance |
| "You're gonna be one bad motherfucker." | "You're gonna be one bad mother cruncher." | Robocop |
| "Let's do this motherfucker." | "Let's do this monkey feather." | Out of Sight |
| "This is what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass." | "This is what happens when you find a stranger in the Alps." | The Big Lebowski |
| "Nobody fucks with me." | "Nobody plays with me." | Police Academy |
| "Give me the keys you fucking cocksucker!" | "Give me the keys you fairy godmother!" | The Usual Suspects |
| "Strike this motherfucker out!" | "Strike this ... guy ... out!" | Major League |
| "Fuck you!" | "Flip you!" | Repo Man |
| "Pardon my French, but you're an asshole!" | "Pardon my French, but you're an aardvark!" | Ferris Bueller's Day Off |
| "I fucked your wife, and later I'm gonna fuck her again." | "I popped your wife, and later I'm gonna pop her again." | The Last Boy Scout |
| "Eat me!" | "Hug me!" | Sixteen Candles |
| "He saw the size of the bug's dick." | "He saw the size of the bug's gerkin." | Ace Ventura: Pet Detective |
| "You fuckers!" | "You fakers!" | Saturday Night Fever |
| "Way to go, asshole." | "Way to go... JERK!" | Stripes |
| "None of us could stand that son of a bitch when we were alive." | "None of us could stand that son of a squid when we were alive." | Field of Dreams |
| "You killed Ted, you medieval dickweed!" | "You killed Ted, you medieval bonehead!" | Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure |
| "All it took was a fat chronic blunt." | "All it took was a fat karate punch." | Mallrats |
| "Don't talk to me like that, assface." | "Don't talk to me like that, owl face." | Fletch |
| "Fuck the machine? FUCK THE MACHINE!" | "Forget the machine? FORGET THE MACHINE!" | Glengarry Glen Ross |
| "Go fuck yourself." | "Go drown yourself." | Casino |
| "Little bastard shot me in the ass!" | "Little punk shot me in the you know!" | Blazing Saddles |
| "Enough is enough! I have had it with these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane!" | "Enough is enough! I have had it with these monkey-fighting snakes on this Monday-to-Friday plane!" | Snakes on a Plane |
| "Something that sucks!" | "Something that-" "ANNA!" "All right" | Freaky Friday |
| "Lousy human bastards!" | "Lousy human backstabbers!" | Conquest of the Planet of the Apes |
